Worried about niece and new private school activities

[YellowMarigold]

My brother’s daughter, my DN is bright and enjoys sports. She has a younger brother at primary. Sadly her mum passed away with cancer three years ago. At the advice of her primary DN did a test and got a scholarship to a local private school and her fees are almost completely covered by a means tested bursary. Nobody in the family has experience of private schools and there are a few things that don’t sit right with me that worry me.

There is a lot of sport. The sport in the school day is fine but at least once a week she plays a match against another school and is often not back at school until 6.30pm on the coach. It takes her an hour to get home on another coach, then homework and she practices an instrument. Every Saturday she also plays another sport against other schools. If it is an away match she is often gone all day. There is no choice about playing these matches. She has been told it’s part of school. She was encouraged to audition for a school play and got a part. The rehearsals are after school and on weekends so she often finishes late rehearsing and now is rehearsing on Sunday afternoons. She leaves home at 7am every day to get a bus that takes an hour. It isn’t an hour’s journey but the bus collects children from all over so it’s a lot of travel time. There is a lot of homework.

My worries are:
My DN does not seem to have any down time. She and her brother used to come to spend time with my kids at the weekend. She misses us and texts that she is sad she is busy all the time. She has cried on the phone to me several times and always says she didn’t know it would be such a long day and she finds it very hard. She asks me if secondary school is always so hard and I don’t know what to say. I know she is getting amazing chances from an academic point of view but it feels off balance.

My brother makes her food and keeps it warm, they hardly eat as a family. She isn’t doing more than the other kids, this is the standard. These are not optional clubs. Maybe I’m being overprotective because she has already lost her mum at a young age, but is this too much pressure and too much time in school? She has huge rings under her eyes and has difficulty sleeping because she feels stressed about school. Today she text me to ask if she has to go to her rehearsals. I don’t want to interfere but I don’t want to see her suffer and say nothing.

The scholarship terms will dictate what is mandatory - this will be based upon the subject(s) she was awarded a scholarship for.

Is there the option to board on a part time basis? It sounds like the travel to and from school wastes a lot of time - with part time boarding there is prep time for homework set aside.

Alternatively is there an alternative mode of travel? Buses are notoriously slow but train travel tends to be far quicker.

My son was awarded an all rounder scholarship based upon academic ability and sport, the expectation was that he continued achieving academically and represented the school in sporting events. Extra curricular plays and music were not mandatory.

I would suggest you have a chat with the school about your concerns, , there will be a teacher with responsibility for pastoral care who will be a good starting point and likely be able to help.

My teens are both sporty and in a state secondary. The weekdays sound very familiar with the exception of the earlier start. Weekends used to be busy with another sport each on one day or the other but they were both happy and enjoyed a day's downtime. DD dropped her weekend sport as her social life grew which is fine.

Everyone's different but if she's unhappy, I'd definitely talk to your brother and at least look to getting weekends back.

It goes sound tiring for her, OP. My DC were in independent schools, but all within walking distance (London though). Also none of this Saturday sports business!

It's only a few weeks until Xmas. I guess she can't back out of the play now. I think just have a family meeting over the Xmas break and advise her to not take too much on next term. This term in Year 7 is particularly tiring and always an adjustment. But she will grow into it. The coach is annoying with all the stops, but at least she's safe and not navigating public transport, I guess. Hope she's ok.

Yes I've recently discovered this. I too had a full bursary at private school and there were no stipulations about grades or activities. I still felt like an outsider because it was impossible to ignore how wealthy the other kids were, but the way bursaries are managed now is downright cruel. Really rubbing in how grateful the low income kids should be. When adolescence is such a difficult time anyway, imagine no leeway to make mistakes.

Re the OP, what I'm really observing through my own children and their friends, is that different types of schools suit different personalities of child. I know several kids who have changed schools in year 8 or 9. In my opinion mental health is worth far more than grades and connections.

Also, it sounds as if you have a lovely relationship, OP.

This sounds really normal. I went to boarding school and we were doing our homework between 6:30-8:30 and then down time for an hour or so then bed. Day started at 7'ish - with lessons starting at 8:15 and finishing around 4 - apart from match days on a thursday where you could be coming back just in time for a light supper and then two hours of studies. Musical instruments were twice a week with practice time on top of that during study time. I think it was always harder for the "day pupils" who had to then travel home and get down time at home before going to bed etc.

My advice would be to help her find her rhythm with this, maybe try to do more family time stuff on Sundays so that she doesn't feel so disconnected. I would agree with some of the other posts saying to drop the play - that seems like additional hell. Once she gets into yr 8/yr 9 things will calm down a bit as academics take over. In Yr7 they try to get you to do everything so that you can make an informed decision about where you want to be and what you want to do.

Op this amount of activity is normal in most private schools, this is how children achieve in so many areas, they do more practice!
The holidays are noticeably longer and that is when they rest and catch up.

I feel it is hard for her because she has had a lot of change, going into senior school, changing schools, new work, new team mates, new journey, new everything! on top of not having her mum for support and having to deal with grief.

She has been given an amazing opportunity, but it sounds like she needs more support, ie can her father or someone else drop her in once or twice a week to give her a later start?
Her father needs to know and then talk to the school and explain that it is feeling too much for a child grieving, and work out what is most/least important to the school (as they are paying.)
It may well be they are happy for her to drop one sport ( find the most problematic /time consuming one and see if that can be dropped) as long as she copes well with academics and music and other sports.

OP I'd just like to add that it's perfectly normal and expected to get in touch with the school with any concern you may have, even more so in the circumstances. They would want to know and be able to help.

This is interesting.

I went to a private school in Manchester on a bursary 40 years ago, and realise reading this thread how lucky I was; neither school nor parents were pushy about activities and the only thing I did was choir and piano lessons and neither were intense.

OP I would be concerned too. Speak to your brother. Is everything DN is doing compulsory? Sounds like she’s doing two sports, could she not choose one? I’d be surprised if it’s compulsory for her to do both the drama and the music. I’d be wanting to talk to her head of year or similar to find ways to make it enjoyable rather than overwhelming.

One thing I would say is that private schools usually have longer holidays than state schools. Even day schools are often based on a boarding school model - it's all go in term time, but you have a longer holiday to spend time with your family. From a boarding perspective, it's too keep the children busy so there is less time for homesickness, but in practice, it can be very full on in term time, and adding an hour's commute doesn't help that. This is her first term, and it will be a big adjustment. I suggest focusing on planning some lovely activities to include her in the holidays (like the ice skating). Do you and (more importantly) your brother have time off work whilst she is off school?

Thank you everyone who has taken the time to post your experiences and ideas. I’m going to talk to DN soon and then to DB in the Christmas holidays. There’s so much good advice and insights here, I’m taking it all on board and want to take in all in properly before having any conversations.

Thanks for the update OP. So important to remind your DN that's she's doing incredibly well, she's put on such a lot of work this term in adapting to her new school! It will all pay off.
But anything that's a concern, talk with the school, they've seen it all and can help: they want her to be happy too.