Worried about niece and new private school activities

[YellowMarigold]

My brother’s daughter, my DN is bright and enjoys sports. She has a younger brother at primary. Sadly her mum passed away with cancer three years ago. At the advice of her primary DN did a test and got a scholarship to a local private school and her fees are almost completely covered by a means tested bursary. Nobody in the family has experience of private schools and there are a few things that don’t sit right with me that worry me.

There is a lot of sport. The sport in the school day is fine but at least once a week she plays a match against another school and is often not back at school until 6.30pm on the coach. It takes her an hour to get home on another coach, then homework and she practices an instrument. Every Saturday she also plays another sport against other schools. If it is an away match she is often gone all day. There is no choice about playing these matches. She has been told it’s part of school. She was encouraged to audition for a school play and got a part. The rehearsals are after school and on weekends so she often finishes late rehearsing and now is rehearsing on Sunday afternoons. She leaves home at 7am every day to get a bus that takes an hour. It isn’t an hour’s journey but the bus collects children from all over so it’s a lot of travel time. There is a lot of homework.

My worries are:
My DN does not seem to have any down time. She and her brother used to come to spend time with my kids at the weekend. She misses us and texts that she is sad she is busy all the time. She has cried on the phone to me several times and always says she didn’t know it would be such a long day and she finds it very hard. She asks me if secondary school is always so hard and I don’t know what to say. I know she is getting amazing chances from an academic point of view but it feels off balance.

My brother makes her food and keeps it warm, they hardly eat as a family. She isn’t doing more than the other kids, this is the standard. These are not optional clubs. Maybe I’m being overprotective because she has already lost her mum at a young age, but is this too much pressure and too much time in school? She has huge rings under her eyes and has difficulty sleeping because she feels stressed about school. Today she text me to ask if she has to go to her rehearsals. I don’t want to interfere but I don’t want to see her suffer and say nothing.

I’m so pleased your poor niece has you. You sound like a wonderful aunt. X

So the homework should be done in school? The bus gets her in 20 mins before school starts. She has a lunch break and then it’s a normal lessons all afternoon plus the sports matches. She is sent the homework on an electronic devise and has a timetable for homework on different days. Should she be doing it on the coach? Sorry it this sounds stupid, I’ve no idea about this and want to help her.

@MindPalace you have made me teary. Thank you.

I'm amazed that what most people haven't grasped from this, is that this is an 11-year old girl who lost her Mum to cancer three years ago.

So sorry this happened to you all. Could you perhaps pick her up once a week from activities so she can download her worries and stress onto you in the car?

Has she had any counselling about her Mum? She may not want to worry her Dad if she's knows he is still grieving, but she is allowed to grieve too.

Or discuss with your brother that she drops at least one activity and goes for an ice-cream or swimming or some girlie time or something with you instead? She will be hitting puberty soon (if not already) and needs you.

And definitely ask her Dad to talk to the school about pastoral care.

It sounds as if she hasn't made friends yet. Is she shy? A quiet sort of girl?

Having friends on the bus, on the team, and in the drama club would make a difference.

Can she get reading done on the bus, or homework done in school after classes are over?

Is there a pastoral care team who could help her make friends or keep an eye out to make sure she isn't being excluded?

Remember how long private school holidays are - they do give kids a nice (very) long rest

PS: It's not interfering, it's being there as her Aunt.

Can your DN get a public bus to school or be dropped off by a family member? The upside of the school coach is she doesn't have to worry about getting in trouble if the coach is late due to bad traffic etc. There normally would be an option to collect the child straight from the sports field rather Than waiting for the coach back to school premises. There may be some small gains to be made in time?

they do give kids a nice (very) long rest

Yes, because that makes up for your Mum dying.

Jesus...

Couldn’t your brother collect her? Especially if she has a 6.30 finish? Or you collect her after weekend activities for some family time? The problem with his journeys is that it’s hard to study during that time

Everything about your post, right down to the tears, is “normal” for a young girl like your DN in a new private school. It’s coming to the end of November, she’s new, she is a high achiever surrounded by other bright pupils, and it sounds like she might be in a London or London-suburb school.

This transitional year can be really tough. It’s a big step up from primary, even if you don’t change schools.

My approach with my DD is as follows: I give lots of support and encouragement during the school term, and then holidays are OFF. No expectations, she can eat what she wants, sleep in as late as she wants, do whatever she wants in terms of seeing friends and socialising. Christmas this year will be family-only, lots of loving family going on anround her that she doesn’t have to participate in if she doesn’t want to, zero demands on her. This year we won’t be tearing around, doing late-night performances of the Nutcracker or whatever. She needs to recover from this term and gather her strength for the next one. It will be another slog (but less of one) next term, and then much easier after Easter and then it’ll be summer.

Next year will be easier.

She can do this, she just needs a lot of support. She’s finding her wings, wobbling and doubting herself, and you can help. (You sound absolutely lovely, btw, lucky girl to have you.) Your DB I’m sure is doing what he can but perhaps instead of asking him to bring his DC to you, you can go over to his one Sunday afternoon, and spend time in her house where she can be comfortable in pajamas and not have to make an effort to get in the car again. Just a day at home, she can talk to you if she wants and maybe your DB can hear her.

It's fairly standard in private schools. If she's happy then leave it be

I work in a big standard comp, we don't have many after school clubs and no musical instruments, our year 7s are always on their knees by this time of year its a huge adjustment, emotionally, physically and academically. They all get used to it and settle down.

The bonus of this type of routine is that all the activity is done through the school, giving the parents wrap around care and limiting travelling for the children.

My DD does sport outside of her normal comp school day which means we are out the house 5:45 - 9:00 for training and then most of Sunday is eaten up with travelling to matches or County training. When she was competitively swimming galas took up both weekend days and training was 5x a week in the evening.

I second the comments about grief for her mum.

It's possible that being at her familiar school and with familiar friends for the three years since her mum died cushioned her somewhat from grief.

Now she's in a new environment it may be hitting her in a new way.

I'd ask the pastoral team to see what support they can give her.

Everything about your post, right down to the tears, is “normal” for a young girl

It's fairly standard in private schools. If she's happy then leave it be

They all get used to it and settle down

OMG have you all missed the bit of the original post where HER MUM DIED when she was aged eight? There is nothing normal about this at all.

She’s not shy but she’s not exactly the same background as the others. There was a two week half term in October and she said she was the only one who did not fly off somewhere. This may be exaggerated but PP have stressed the opportunities to relax in the longer school holidays.

She’s close to her old friends, from primary and locally. She hasn’t had any special counselling. I don’t get the sense she’s excluded, she texts about stress, so much to do and always being tired, is it normal, not about people being unkind or unfriendly.

You are the loveliest aunt and she's so lucky to have you looking out for her

So, private schools are often like this. Not all are, I think it sometimes stems back to whether they were once boarding schools and had children there all hours of the day vs those that used to be direct grant grammar schools and in our experience had much less going on at weekends and a shorter school day in the week.

I have experience of both and imo they don't suit every child. The sport is pretty normal but I hated sport and therefore would've resented so much time being taken up with it. My sibling, on the other hand, went to a school that sounds like your DN's and loved it.

What does she really enjoy? Does she want to do the sport? Does she want to do the play? At least that will be over at some point as it won't go on forever. And the same with music - does she enjoy it? Could she not cut down on something somewhere?

The holidays are longer, as PP have pointed out and she will be getting tired at this time of year but they do usually finish mid December so she hasn't got far to go. But I agree with you, it sounds like an exceptionally busy schedule for an 11 year old. Fun holiday activities are a great idea but I wonder if a few days of just relaxing at your house watching Christmas movies with her cousins would be just as appreciated - she needs a good rest!

I'm not entirely sure I agree that being fully covered by a bursary means you're at the mercy of the school. It's worth exploring what pastoral care options are available but also she doesn't HAVE to do the play again in the future, I've never ever heard of that being compulsory in all my years experience of various private schools. It's not uncommon for year 7's to come in and want to do a bit of everything but generally by year 9 onwards, the workload ramps up and academia needs more focus than a million and one extra curricular activities. You still do sport / music / drama but you tend not to have time to do all three! She shouldn't feel she MUST do things just because her fees are paid for; if that was the case it should've been stipulated prior to starting. What they do expect is that she contributes fully to school life and is a good representative of the school- both of which she absolutely would be if she just did one out of those 3 extra curricular activities!

Best of luck to her and to you.

I would suggest talking to the school. They won't be monsters and they will (should) appreciate she needs care. . One of my children is on a scholarship and opted out of the school play because of long rehearsals and No one said anything. The first year of secondary is also exhausting.

Sounds far too much. A scoop day is tiring for children, let alone extra clubs. Down time is important to read for pleasure and date I say it…..play.

• dare

I think the comment comes from someone with a dc in prep (primary). Unfortunately in secondary school, there is often no time for 'prep' before 6pm/bus home, so she needs to do homework at home. It's tough, and it will only get worse with more homework, GCSE/A level revision etc. It is not unusual for private school pupils to be up each night until midnight doing homework/revision, as they are so busy with extracurricular and school day is so long. I am planning on taking dd out of private for 6 form as I think it will be too much and I want her to fully concentrate on A levels and not stress about endless hockey/school play/orchestra/cadet force/Duke of Edinburgh

Honestly? This sort of thing is what makes private schools attractive to so many people. I’m always a bit perplexed by people (on here and elsewhere) who say that people send their children to private school for the contacts - it’s more that they don’t have to arrange childcare or ferry the children around to choir / orchestra / tennis.

Its great that children get lots of opportunities but it does mean that they appear to be relentlessly busy.

Having said that, the first term of year 7 in a new school is exhausting even without all the activities. It also sounds like your niece lives quite far from the school (which does make it harder).

When does she break up for Christmas? We have another 4 weeks but most schools break up the week before ours.

Is this seriously normal for private school now??

Wasn't anything like this at all back in the 90's. Normal school day. There were optional sports/drama you could take part in but this was not normal in the slightest. You could do it but it certainly wasn't compulsory. Had a quick look at their website now (£6k a term school) and it looks the same as it was when we went there.

So maybe normal for London?!

My DD's best friend won an academic scholarship to a private school. She went to a state primary and found the transition very very hard. She is now head girl and in year 13 and loves every minute of it. However in year 7 she was close to quitting. The commitment to sport and music I think in most indapendant schools is compulsory and they literally don't stop all week. I think if you attend a prep school first though you are used to the matches and the long days. Prep is done on site at primary level and my DD's friend did always say that fitting in homework around the sport and music was tough but eventually she got used to it.

However DD's friends brother also got a scholarship to the same school and he left midway through year 8, although he was excelling in his sport that he had gained the scholarship for he found the whole being around children from a totally different background to him daunting and his mental health started to suffer.

So I think she needs to give it a good chance but also be mindful that it may not be for her.

I think it depends on the school. A sporty school with large playing fields and lots of boarders will emphasise sports matches and extracurriculars more than a smaller school in the centre of a city.