Worried about niece and new private school activities

[YellowMarigold]

My brother’s daughter, my DN is bright and enjoys sports. She has a younger brother at primary. Sadly her mum passed away with cancer three years ago. At the advice of her primary DN did a test and got a scholarship to a local private school and her fees are almost completely covered by a means tested bursary. Nobody in the family has experience of private schools and there are a few things that don’t sit right with me that worry me.

There is a lot of sport. The sport in the school day is fine but at least once a week she plays a match against another school and is often not back at school until 6.30pm on the coach. It takes her an hour to get home on another coach, then homework and she practices an instrument. Every Saturday she also plays another sport against other schools. If it is an away match she is often gone all day. There is no choice about playing these matches. She has been told it’s part of school. She was encouraged to audition for a school play and got a part. The rehearsals are after school and on weekends so she often finishes late rehearsing and now is rehearsing on Sunday afternoons. She leaves home at 7am every day to get a bus that takes an hour. It isn’t an hour’s journey but the bus collects children from all over so it’s a lot of travel time. There is a lot of homework.

My worries are:
My DN does not seem to have any down time. She and her brother used to come to spend time with my kids at the weekend. She misses us and texts that she is sad she is busy all the time. She has cried on the phone to me several times and always says she didn’t know it would be such a long day and she finds it very hard. She asks me if secondary school is always so hard and I don’t know what to say. I know she is getting amazing chances from an academic point of view but it feels off balance.

My brother makes her food and keeps it warm, they hardly eat as a family. She isn’t doing more than the other kids, this is the standard. These are not optional clubs. Maybe I’m being overprotective because she has already lost her mum at a young age, but is this too much pressure and too much time in school? She has huge rings under her eyes and has difficulty sleeping because she feels stressed about school. Today she text me to ask if she has to go to her rehearsals. I don’t want to interfere but I don’t want to see her suffer and say nothing.

Your niece has been given a great opportunity- private school is tough and sounds awful to those who have never experienced it. However they do tend to assess children for suitability and make offers on that basis. A bursary is highly sought after and competitive so for her to be offered one would imply she meets the standard and therefore should thrive in the environment. She will have long holidays and opportunities to have fun. The main thing is that your brother is looking after her emotional wellbeing as well as his own. Most private schools have good pastoral support- my three kids were at three different private schools and all had support via the minister or school counsellor when their dad was ill . she is lucky to have a supportive aunt

Sounds about the same day length and activities DD's friend did at her private school. DD knew her from an after school dance class they both went to. DD didn't go to a private school and was pretty shocked that after that class her friend had to go back to school for homework club and also sports activities on Saturdays.

It looked like hard work but she seemed OK with it all. Probably all she'd ever known and didn't realise state schools weren't as intense.

Yes - this is the norm at private schools. It's also the reason we moved one of our dcs from a competitive private to our local state school. She was overwhelmed. Since switching, she has kept up her musical instruments and still does the sports she likes, but the relentless pressure, long days, and endless travel are gone. She can see friends after school and relax a bit, rather than having them scattered miles apart so that parents still need to facilitate all get-togethers well into their teens.

At the state school, she is getting a decent education - but we've spent some of the money we've saved on private tutoring for a couple of weaker subjects. Perhaps more importantly, she has a more balanced experience of society (I was privately educated and very sheltered until I went to university). It's been a revelation TBH.

The lack of options is strange. She must be good at the activities and trying out. DS is same age and very similar amount of commitments. He is loving it. He's not private but grammar but very happy doing tonnes of sports, several fixtures a week, home by 6.30 also doing music and drama commitments. Its been great for him. Hard on me!!

My experience of actually really intelligent people at C suite level is it they do all of this from a very early age and it’s how they are so successful and end up extremely well rewarded in careers, that allow them enormous amounts of flexibility and Good lives. Nothing you have written sounds extreme. And given how a few women we have in the boardroom, I really don’t think you should be discouraging this young girl.

Sounds pretty similar to what my 11 year old year 6 son does at a prep school.
We limit the activity a bit though so one extra sport plus Lamda plus swimming.
You mentioned instrument practice every night - she’s clearly very diligent but something has to give perhaps she accepts that this is only time to practice every other day. Can Sundays be chill time when she does NOTHING!

Although I agree that the transition to secondary school is tough, especially when it's a private school (that sounds very pressured) and she lost her mum, I think she needs to be listened to about whether private school is right for her.

I think she should be given another term to see whether she settles and if not they should consider a different school. It's one thing being given amazing opportunities but it shouldn't be detrimental to her mental health, maybe she'd benefit from more time with loved ones in her teenage years because of the tough time she has had.

I have children and I see so many parents absolutely hell bent on giving their children the best chances with high pressure schooling, extra tuition, exhausted kids from activities when they forget that childhood years are just as important as the later years and they should be enjoying life the best they can, not pushing and fighting for something that may or may not happen in the future,

Would it be an option to go and see her in the matches and/or watch the play? Then she'd have some contact with you at the weekends and you could see what the atmospheres like, if the kids and staff ate friendly etc and take some snacks.

My 9 year old took up music theatre this year and I was worried about the all day weekend rehearsals, but actually they've been really helpful for her independence.

Sport is only compulsory on Saturday mornings if you’re in the school teams, surely? Being in a play is totally optional.

Senior school is a big adjustment whether private or state. She just needs to learn to pace herself.

I played in the school teams for a year and then used the excuse of Saturday morning music lessons to leave the . I stayed out of play productions until the 6th form.

Thanks for all the replies. I’m reading everything. I don’t know what CSuite means but I’m definitely not looking to discourage her, just want to see her happy and make sure she’s not going to be unwell through stress.

are friendly.

Is it a boarding school? Ours allowed free boarding if the child was representing the school, this really helped the child and ensured they didn’t get too tired. They are responsible for your daughters pastoral care and it is usually excessive to do sport, music and drama - something has to give. . Yes the days are longer but the after school activities are not always compulsory and homework can usually be done instead. Saturdays are usually compulsory for sport but time can be saved if family take her to away-games instead of using school transport. Remember she has very long holidays.

This is all very normal.

However it’s unlikely all fees are covered by a scholarship (usually 10%) or bursary (usually around 50%)

Sounds about right for a private senior school. DS1 has team training before school some days, sport after school on others, plus CCF one evening, school matches on Saturday and sometimes weekday matches too. There will often be weekend or full week CCF camps during the holidays or DoE expeditions for people doing that.

Although it is tiring, it's a great way of throwing yourself into things and getting to know people. Both of mine made friends through sports and other school activities. A lot of senior schools have a culture of joining in, DC are expected to take an active part in the school - join societies, play in teams, get involved in events etc.

It all sounds fairly normal, but she has probably over committed herself to extras. Have a chat with your brother and suggest perhaps he talks to her and the school and she drops the play or the team she’s on (or both) while she gets used to things.

Usually there is time to do prep (homework) at school if it’s a late finish, Is she doing that?

She isn’t going to see as much of your kids in term time so don’t make a big deal of that, but she will get longer holidays so perhaps that’s a chance for her to get one on one time with you when your kids are still in school.

Your brother should be eating with her unless there’s a specific reason not to. Could he have a snack with his younger child when he eats and then eat properly with her? You might need to gently point out she also needs family time.

Do explore this, but overall she should get a lot of advantages from it, with a few tweaks while she gets used to it - she will get used to it and be fine.

Having worked in private schools for my entire teaching career, I can also say that this sounds normal. Also, although lots of pupils do commute a long way to school, many will live on the school's doorstep and so won't have the additional 2 hours a day travel time. No wonder she's shattered. Private schools can often be very intense.

A lot of this is optional, she perhaps feels she has to do them, but your brother can sort that out for her. The play is optional, she doesn’t have to be on the teams, she could stop her instrument. Perhaps she could have a term off from all the extra curricular stuff and see how she feels then. The bus will seem easier in the summer.

Thinking about it - my school was very academic and there was a lot of work. There was thus an understanding that you couldn’t do everything, and that some girls who just wanted to concentrate on work. If you did music you weren’t expected to be on the sports teams, although some people chose both, if you were very sporty you probably wouldn’t do drama and debating too etc.

I don’t know when the production of the play is but if she drops another pupil may be glad of her place.

The thing is for her dad to talk to the school.

Not here. Plenty of 100% bursaries. Scholarships are 10% though.

I'll take PPs' word for it that this is normal. What I think is important to think about though is that this is a wee girl who maybe is just out of resilience. She's done the (completely huge) transition to secondary, it's a very different environment, she's lost her mum so young and potentially is just coming to realise what that actually means for her.

It might be that this just isn't the right environment for her. She needs to be nurtured, not kept busy.

@YellowMarigold C suite is chairman of the board or chief, financial officer, chief information, officer, chief technology, officer, basically those at the top of the tree. Typically, they will work incredibly hard for the first 15 years of their lives from secondary school through to university achieve well in the first five years of their jobs, and then from about 35 to 40 peak. At which point, they will reap the rewards for all of their hard work, and their lives become incredibly easy. Their pension plans will be generous. If it’s a female, you’re able to get yourself into that position, you’d almost be semi, retired by the time you consider children.
basically it’s delayed gratification which has been proven over and over again to be the key to success and financial stability.

A lot of kids on my estate go to private schools and attend these kind of hours and activities.

It's not for me and my children and it's one of the reasons our kids go to state school.

Sounds pretty much like my daughter’s school.

the play though is not compulsory and also, when they have a Saturday match away, parents are allowed to take them just before their match so that they don’t hang around all day like your niece does.

the worse bit seems to be the commute, any chance that your brother moves closer to the school?

It’s the norm but they get longer holidays and proper break eg finish end of June and usually two weeks each half term and 3 weeks at Xmas and 3 weeks at Easter. You are supposed to throw yourself into everything and friendships etc form at the school

the bus journey sound long - phone headphones and audio books or a chat to You?

My daughter is 13, and her life at secondary school sounds similar to your niece OP. She is ina sports team, often as rehearsals, for band and school plays. But she is very happy, and is definitely not missing having "downtime"