Worried about niece and new private school activities

[YellowMarigold]

My brother’s daughter, my DN is bright and enjoys sports. She has a younger brother at primary. Sadly her mum passed away with cancer three years ago. At the advice of her primary DN did a test and got a scholarship to a local private school and her fees are almost completely covered by a means tested bursary. Nobody in the family has experience of private schools and there are a few things that don’t sit right with me that worry me.

There is a lot of sport. The sport in the school day is fine but at least once a week she plays a match against another school and is often not back at school until 6.30pm on the coach. It takes her an hour to get home on another coach, then homework and she practices an instrument. Every Saturday she also plays another sport against other schools. If it is an away match she is often gone all day. There is no choice about playing these matches. She has been told it’s part of school. She was encouraged to audition for a school play and got a part. The rehearsals are after school and on weekends so she often finishes late rehearsing and now is rehearsing on Sunday afternoons. She leaves home at 7am every day to get a bus that takes an hour. It isn’t an hour’s journey but the bus collects children from all over so it’s a lot of travel time. There is a lot of homework.

My worries are:
My DN does not seem to have any down time. She and her brother used to come to spend time with my kids at the weekend. She misses us and texts that she is sad she is busy all the time. She has cried on the phone to me several times and always says she didn’t know it would be such a long day and she finds it very hard. She asks me if secondary school is always so hard and I don’t know what to say. I know she is getting amazing chances from an academic point of view but it feels off balance.

My brother makes her food and keeps it warm, they hardly eat as a family. She isn’t doing more than the other kids, this is the standard. These are not optional clubs. Maybe I’m being overprotective because she has already lost her mum at a young age, but is this too much pressure and too much time in school? She has huge rings under her eyes and has difficulty sleeping because she feels stressed about school. Today she text me to ask if she has to go to her rehearsals. I don’t want to interfere but I don’t want to see her suffer and say nothing.

Totally normal. Yes, it’s a huge change. Yes, she will be utterly exhausted. It gets better.

Your niece chooses to play a musical instrument and auditioned to be in a play - it's not surprising that she has to practice and she got a part in the play. The sports commitments are normal (I have lots of experience with private schools).

She may have over-committed herself (this can happen if a DC doesn't fully consider the time commitment of the various things they sign up for), but I notice that it's YOU who is concerned, not the girl herself or her DF.

In all honesty, this isn't your business, but if your niece feels she's overwhelmed at present, I would hope she she uses this experience to learn not to over-commit herself in future.

The bottom line is this - she will have many, many opportunities at a private school to get involved in all kinds of things and the key is to prioritise what she loves and wants to pursue long-term. If she's in Y7 or 8 though, she's still discovering where her passions lie.

Firstly what a lovely Auntie you are to be so caring.

I do think the level of sports/activities is normal for private secondary. This will be the hardest longest term though. Did she get two weeks off in October? When to they finish for Xmas? Mine finish on the 9th December.

Having said that there's not many kids that achieve academically plus sport plus music plus drama. There are one or two exceptions to that but most do some sport and 1 instrument or no sport and two instruments plus drama. I don't think there would be any shame in giving up the play.

Secondary school ? That’s very normal.
my kids were mostly musical not sporty but that’s the level of commitment they had at that age.
thry are now fully functioning adults

OP, it may be that the school isn’t right for your DN or, that in time, she will grow to love it. I work in an indie and it isn’t as intense as what you describe although I know many can be like this. I think at the moment I’d be concerned about how your DN is coping with the onset of puberty without her mum. It is such a tricky time for girls without their mums (I know form my own experience).

There is a wonderful charity called Winston’s Wish that helps children who have experienced a bereavement. I’d be looking at their website for ideas for how school can support your DN.

I attended a private primary for a year that sounds very similar. Really sporty/extra curricular, long days. It was a boarding school too and geared very much towards the boarders I think who didn't have family to get back to in the evenings/at weekends.
My parents spoke with the staff and just refused to have me away too much at the weekend. I missed out on being on the sports teams etc but obviously still played daily. I'm so grateful to them.
Participation may be 'very much expected' but it's not as mandatory as it's made out. DN will be unable to negotiate this for herself so her parents/relatives should step in.
You can start with a term with a less hectic timetable and once that's established it will probably be easier to carry it on as you/your DN wishes.
It's a school, not prison. Parents have a say.

"In all honesty, this isn't your business, but if your niece feels she's overwhelmed at present, I would hope she she uses this experience to learn not to over-commit herself in future."

This seems very harsh, Dniece is only 11 and has no DM to discuss these things with and is perhaps worried she will be letting her DF down by admitting she has found things hard.

OP you could maybe say to your DF that you miss seeing her and see if that prompts any discussion. Also with your Dniece remind her that the play will be over at end of term - hopefully that's the case - and she doesn't need to sign up for everything. Also encourage her to try and do most of her homework on the bus/coach as sounds like that's where she is spending most time.

Is it a boarding school?

As PPs have said, this is pretty normal for a private school - my DS's went to a similar one.

They had to get the bus to school which left at 7 and they got back at 6 in the evening, one also had sports matches at weekends, with other late nights for training.

They did not sign up for drama (which annoyed me!) but one was quite good at music, played in the orchestra which meant more late nights.

It is tiring when they first start and have to get used to everything. But they are both now adults and formed the most amazing long-lasting friendships - my 24 year old still regularly sees his old friends from school.

Your niece can drop the drama next term, it will likely also be different sport and she may not get chosen for the team, it will get better. If the bus journey takes too long is there an option for a parent to take her? Although mine would never have agreed to that as they enjoyed the bus banter!

You sound like a very thoughtful and caring aunt - I would reassure your niece that it will get easier as she goes along, she can do less activivites next term, but if she is really fed up she should speak to her tutor or house-master/mistress.

Kids are much more resilient than you imagine and soon get used to more intensive routines as they settle in. At 12 years old my DD was doing a full school day plus another 22 hours of gymnastics over 6 days every week. I hope you’re supporting and encouraging her, rather than telling her how awful it must be for her. Even state school kids do lots of activities such as football - practice on a Tuesday night, play on a Saturday morning, or swimming - 2 hours every morning from 5am, or martial arts - 3 nights a week. They are perfectly capable of achieving with full timetables. Things change as they develop so make sure you help her make the most of her opportunities.

Going against the grain it's great she's in a good school and keeping busy. I think this is one less worry for her dad and if she is enjoying herself, fits in and has friends then that's perfect

She will get used to it, harsh as that sounds

The problem is that she went to a state primary where she would not have experienced long days and lots of extra curriculars. My oldest DC goes to a state grammar school and before that he went to a private prep. Year 7 was a breeze for him. It was the state school kids that struggled. We are aware of this because we know various parents whose kids went to a mixture of private and state for primary.

DS1 is used to long days - the days are actually shorter for him at his grammar then they were at prep, homework every night and lots of sports fixtures were the norm for him from the age of seven. I always say that the name is on the can - “prep” it prepares. I know this doesn’t help your DN but she will need some adjusting and it will take time to adjust to a very different model of schooling.

To be honest, my DS1 is bored at times and we had to ramp up the extra curriculars outside school because of this.

It IS the child who has expressed concern. Have you not read the OP’s posts?

You sound so lovely OP, I echo others who have said you are a godsend to her. Keep talking and listening. Things may settle for her. If not, I hope you get on well enough with your brother that he will listen to any concerns and advice you may have.

And of course it’s your business!

It sounds completely standard for a private school and there will be no extra pressure because of the bursary. If she has a scholarship for say sport or music, she would be expected to participate fully in that.

The biggest issue here seems to be her journey to school and back which is adding 2 hours to her day plus early starts. The school activities itself sound normal for a private school. They need to consider if they can drop the coach one way and be dropped by car instead to make things easier or perhaps carpool with another family? Or consider if this school is indeed a good choice - primarily due to location. Having said that by year9 the teens are quite resilient to long hours and tough days but they struggle in year 7/8.

My eldest went to a vairy posh public school due to a number of factors including a partial scholarship. I'm from a family of miners and was the first to be university educated so I had no idea what to expect. The pace is intense and year 7 can be a huge readjustment from state primary. The first term is tough but it gets easier. To be fair the autumn term in any year 7 takes time to adapt to. We had to learn a whole new language as well as there were 'removes' and 'shell' and the 'San' (short for sanitarium 😳) which was the little health centre on site that looked like a field hospital on rugger days. I was clueless!

Top tip - if they have a speech day, don't turn up in skinny jeans, a band t shirt, blazer and converse boots 😂
Everyone else was dressed for a society christening and I looked like I'd wandered in on the rob!!! Although it gave me a bit of kudos with some of the kids in years to come as they assumed I was a posh anarchist playing at common people.

She is so lucky to have you covering her back. And if it's not for her she can come back into state education having learned a lot while she was there.

I echo your brother engaging with the pastoral team though. They should be able to be more mindful of her bereavement and check she has what she needs to thrive there.

Personally I think taking up an entire Saturday with sport is a bit of a waste of time, and also rather dull. (However there is the argument that it’s good for them all to be out in the fresh air all day - better than glued to screens).

I would be concerned that it doesn’t leave enough time for academic work over the weekend. My question would how long this will go on? They can’t be wasting whole Saturdays once they start GCSEs surely?

Echoing others - standard for private. DS is sporty, last week he competed for the school Tues & Thurs (rugby), Weds (indoor athletics, got home at 9pm), Sat (cross country, back at 5pm). He then had swim squad at 7am on both Tues & Thurs morning, and his usual after school sports clubs on Mon/Fri.

However, he only does sport - he doesn’t sign up for school performances/music, there is no way he’d have the time - he does, after all, still need to study. Most kids at his school do either sport or music/drama. The sports scholars are contractually bound to compete, likewise music/drama scholars are bound to performances. If she’s trying to do both, I’d agree it’s probably a bit much and I’d encourage her or her dad to tell school she’d like to focus on one or the other.

I don't want to add more worries to you, OP, but how is your nephew getting on? Is he older or younger? If younger and still at the local primary school, he could well be home hours before his sister each day as well as all day on Saturday and have less homework. What's he doing with his time? Is he really missing his sister as well as his mum? And what impact is your niece's activities having on what they do as a family. Our weekends have become much more low key since our DC started private secondaries as they just want to be at home & chill. That works for us but I wonder how it works for this family. Do they need to be doing stuff as a threesome to work out how their new family dynamic works and create bonds together?
As previous posters have said, private schools should have a well resourced pastoral team. They may be able to support your niece or suggest adjustments that can be made. If she's a star of the hockey team, they may be reluctant to let her miss Saturday sport but if she's part of the pack of the B team, missing the odd match wouldn't really matter to the school but could make a huge difference for your niece and her family. They can't step in and make those changes if they don't know anything about it.
I appreciate your point about not wanting to break your niece's confidence but I think you do need to have a conversation with your brother and suggest he engages with the school or, if he doesn't want to, authorises you to.
I think you also need to do a bit of exploring to make sure it is just time management/feeling overwhelmed which is the source of the problem rather than anything else. For example, have a lot of girls at the school come from the same feeder prep and already know each other? Have they all been playing hockey or whatever for years so your niece is feeling a bit rubbish compared to them? Plus, of course, continuing to grieve

How many students to a class?

How much school holidays?

From our experience you’ve highlighted the worst parts, which we could have done too, but we would also mentioned, the extra teachers bright in for some languages, music lessons that aren’t just about GCSE passing, sport is considered far more important than in state schools, 3 week easter holidays, pastoral care in excess including dedicated councellor brought in for individual support, much longer summer and xmas holidays.

If it’s not for her, so be it, but having gone through the gladiator school known as the state system myself, almost always on the verge of strikes, not to mention how much downtime during covid, whereas private schools barely missed a lesson, then it’s an obvious choice for me.

I would ignore this reply.

Maranella - she is 11, still a young child, going through a massive adjustment without her mother. And since when is it none of a family's business to care about and protect their immediate relatives?

You sound very cold.

Op - lots of great advice on this thread and it's wonderful she has you to turn to. She might need extra support and a bit of leeway to settle - maybe she'd be better ramping up the activities gradually rather than plunging in at the deep end?

I'd also look whether alternative transport arrangements can be made to and from school so she doesn't have to get up so early. Even an extra half hour in bed will make a difference. Might be worth looking into whether it's possible to set up a school run account with a local taxi company to take her and pick her up each day.

There will be an element of year 7 in any new school just being knackering. If she has long commutes then some time could be spent on homework or listening to a podcast, music etc. Can you go visit on Sunday?

Your brother speaking to pastoral care would be a plan.

It's a huge chance for your niece.

Remember to support her and encourage her and not to accidentally make things worse by agreeing with her constantly and helping her in dramatising the events (not saying you're doing this on purpose).

Tell her that she'll get to spend plenty of time with you during her holidays and that you'll plan some nice and special things together. Part of her being upset is probably that she can feel that you are upset about her not coming over as much. Focus on the good things. It's fun to learn a new instrument and find new friends at drama club. Exercise is healthy for children. Way better for her to have a sports day than a day sitting in front of her laptop. It's not a punishment but something that is good for her.

Try to find solutions. She has 20 minutes between arriving and having to sign in. Can't she do some homework then? Often homework is given over several days so it wouldn't be last minute but she could get an amount done during that time and also while waiting for the bus to take her home. When is the school play? Is it a Christmas play? Then it will be over soon and she will know whether this is too much for her (and not audition for the next one) or whether she has gotten used to it and would like to continue.

Your niece is being offered an amazing chance and it sort of feels a tiny bit like even though you're supportive of your niece in general you're not really supporting her that much in taking this chance. The supportive thing to do here is to not indulge her in her sadness and confirm how terrible everything is but to point out the good things, to cheer her up, to be happy for her and not think about what you're missing out on when she doesn't come over as often anymore, you'll catch up during the long holidays.