Worried about niece and new private school activities

[YellowMarigold]

My brother’s daughter, my DN is bright and enjoys sports. She has a younger brother at primary. Sadly her mum passed away with cancer three years ago. At the advice of her primary DN did a test and got a scholarship to a local private school and her fees are almost completely covered by a means tested bursary. Nobody in the family has experience of private schools and there are a few things that don’t sit right with me that worry me.

There is a lot of sport. The sport in the school day is fine but at least once a week she plays a match against another school and is often not back at school until 6.30pm on the coach. It takes her an hour to get home on another coach, then homework and she practices an instrument. Every Saturday she also plays another sport against other schools. If it is an away match she is often gone all day. There is no choice about playing these matches. She has been told it’s part of school. She was encouraged to audition for a school play and got a part. The rehearsals are after school and on weekends so she often finishes late rehearsing and now is rehearsing on Sunday afternoons. She leaves home at 7am every day to get a bus that takes an hour. It isn’t an hour’s journey but the bus collects children from all over so it’s a lot of travel time. There is a lot of homework.

My worries are:
My DN does not seem to have any down time. She and her brother used to come to spend time with my kids at the weekend. She misses us and texts that she is sad she is busy all the time. She has cried on the phone to me several times and always says she didn’t know it would be such a long day and she finds it very hard. She asks me if secondary school is always so hard and I don’t know what to say. I know she is getting amazing chances from an academic point of view but it feels off balance.

My brother makes her food and keeps it warm, they hardly eat as a family. She isn’t doing more than the other kids, this is the standard. These are not optional clubs. Maybe I’m being overprotective because she has already lost her mum at a young age, but is this too much pressure and too much time in school? She has huge rings under her eyes and has difficulty sleeping because she feels stressed about school. Today she text me to ask if she has to go to her rehearsals. I don’t want to interfere but I don’t want to see her suffer and say nothing.

The activities sound quite normal. It's why I loved it when I changed from state to private school at the beginning of Yr9 and why (as we're fortunate enough to have the choice) we've chosen to send our DC private for secondary. A huge range of activities are on offer and there's an expectation that you will be involved in several.
The challenges your niece has is the coach journey adding so much time to her day. Is there an alternative, even if just for a couple of days a week? Also, does her Dad have enough time to be supportive & nurturing at home? When I have manic weeks at work, I can feel the wheels coming off at home and that DD begins to struggle a bit.
The other thing to bear in mind is the holidays. You have intense shorter terms and much longer holidays. Did she have two weeks off in October or just one? She won't have more than four weeks until the Christmas holidays and then she will have three weeks off. It's a very different way of operating and takes a bit of getting used to.
What are the other options? Apart from the fact that she got a bursary, why was this school considered more appropriate than any of the others? If she were to leave, where would she go? And if she doesn't leave, how can her say to day life be made easier?

This is all very normal, especially at this type of school.
My Dd is similar and she’s only 9!
The only reason I’d be worrying about it was if she herself was fed up/not enjoying it.
What a lot of fantastic opportunities for her!

C Suite means the directors etc of a company so the pp meant she's being set up to be a high achiever.

But I am sure she can be a high achiever without burning out as a teen! Some good advice here.

The only reason I’d be worrying about it was if she herself was fed up/not enjoying it

well it doesn't sound like she is if she's crying down the phone to the OP

Yes it sounds fairly normal. Is the play before Christmas? I would encourage her to hang in there but not sign up for another unless she really decides drama is her thing. then going forward Sundays can be dedicated family time. The sports travelling becomes more fun as friendships are cemented.

My dd is at a smaller private school. It isn’t so pressured there. The hours are longer than state school. She could have attended a larger one a little further away, which I suspect is more like this. but she preferred the school, which had a similar vibe to her primary.

The bus for a couple of the other private schools locally leave around 7.30am and back approx 5.30. Dd’s bus is at 8 and it’s a very direct route. She’s incredibly lucky on that score as she’s home by 4.30. All schools are the same number of hours in education btw. She plays matches during school hours, not ideal when she is in GCSE years. She finishes later for optional netball practice once a week and doesn’t play an instrument, neither did she audition for the play.

I agree all year 7s are super tired. My dd was tired and she was at state school. It takes a term to settle into the school, the routine and expectations. There’s also a massive jump in terms of education levels from year 6 to 7. It sounds really tough for your dn. Loosing a parent as a child is devastating and your dn is perhaps grappling with puberty on top of everything else.

It sounds as though your dn has taken every opportunity presented without thinking about her ability to do them. If it isn’t too late, could she drop out of the play or stop the weekend matches for a while?

Would her dad be willing to allow you to talk to the school about your dn? They should make reasonable adjustments and be concerned about the mental health of a child, who has lost her mother.

If push comes to shove, is there anywhere else not so pressured she could try to transfer to? I appreciate she would need a funded place.

As for everyone going off. My dd says the same. We don’t. Not everyone does either. Some of the parents are pretty rich and dd’s school is in a posh small market town with a lot of wealth and a lot of parents living in large rural properties. I hadn’t thought of this prior to her attending.

A good private school should have excellent pastoral care. She should be seeing the school counsellor, who should be making certain curriculum choices such as drama and music, optional.
This workload is normal, but it's obviously too much for your niece.
As she has a full bursary, she must be bright and she might be happier at the local school. If she has parental (and your) support she should do just as well academically as she would at the private school. You sound like a wonderful aunt.

Its not ideal, after losing her mum she needs lots of family time, but I appreciate your dbro might not be able to be on hand all the time if he has extra financial pressure. These kids will be used to the treadmill of extracurriculars. Why not discuss with dbro whether there's a balance of dropping the extra curriculars, increasing family time, different getting into school arrangements. What would her mum have said or done. What does she need. Be her advocate, she's telling you for a reason. And flag with school. She needs nurture.

Hello OP. This is stanndard for most private schools.

There is a wee boy who lost his dad last year at our school. Mum has taken him out of Saturday school to do things with him one on one. They school have made an exception and it has worked well for all involved.

Maybe an idea. X

It's quite old-fashioned for schools to be so focused on compulsory sport at the weekend. I know our's and most of the private schools nearby moved away from it a number of years ago. It's only the DCs who want to be in school teams that have games every weekend.
It was also always possible to opt out if you had other commitments. Maybe her DF can speak to the school and get a sense of what is definitely compulsory and what is optional. Sometimes schools don't publicise that activities are optional. You need to ask.

This isn't unusual for private schools, especially as a day student at a boarding school. My dd had lessons until 12 on a Saturday then sport all afternoon - hers was full boarding, means tested bursary.

It doesn't suit all children, and it's a big culture change from the state sector - my dp boarded but his children did not despite being able to afford it (my dd chose to, specialist school)

My children (adult now) attended private school and what you describe does sound quite normal. Certainly the expectation that they will be spending a large amount of time on homework. However the positives are they get great results/ education and plenty of extra curricular opportunities which will stand them in good stead for future life. I can see it would be harder if your dn has not been used to this from an early age and the homework ramps up at secondary age so there is a big jump from state primary to private secondary in terms of homework.

It's a lot for her to cope with after losing her Mum and certainly good to alert school if she is struggling so they can reduce pressure/give more support.
I would think that she will soon make the adjustment though and they do get lovely long holidays for a recharge.

I'd be surprised if the drama was compulsory - normally it would be voluntary auditions. Sports matches might seem like a lot but they gain so much from the team involvement. My dd is so good at filling her life to the max because she got used to managing a busy life from an early age. It helps to develop a work ethic as well as giving them chance to find out which activities they love enough to keep. As her school friendships strengthen in the next year or so your dn will probably love having the company and support of her friends and may find the long days easier as she gets older. Tough for you seeing her struggling but it might just be a hump she needs to get through in the next few months.

My DS did year 7 at a school that sounds similar, he was out 7 til 7 every day and had no choice about Saturday sport if he was chosen. He had a complete breakdown over the summer as he was utterly exhausted and he begged me not to make him go back. I think your concerns are justified.

However DD is at a different private school 15 mins from home, we leave at 8.15 and I collect her at 4.30, she does no extracurricular stuff so it does depend on the school, they are not all like this. Her school is single sex so they wouldn’t have DS.

DS is now being homeschooled while we wait for a state school place. The impact on his mental health was devastating and that to me outweighed any benefits of a private education.

In my area the girls only secondaries don’t tend to do sports on Saturdays unless you voluntarily sign up for the A / B team in a sport. Some of the co-ed schools do have compulsory sports on Saturday mornings from Year 9 but by then the kids are used to it.

There's an emphasis in a lot of these replies on the fantastic opportunities, on a schedule like this being a (the only?) route to 'success', etc. (even the implication that there's no other way to get to C-level - which in itself is an extremely narrow and reductive definition of success). I think I want to strike a slightly different note in wondering if an 'opportunity' is really an opportunity if the person 'taking' it is experiencing it as an exhausting chore. I think the one-sided emphasis on compulsory 'extra-curricular' (not really extra- if it's compulsory) sports would worry me a bit - it may be the case that this little girl would really like to do the play, and/or her instrument, so she's joined in, but it's just too much along with the rest of it. The comment she made about potentially 'losing everything' if she doesn't keep up would really worry me, especially given her history - I'm surprised nobody else has picked up on that.

OP, yes, I would speak to your brother. She's a young child who's vulnerable by reason of her early loss. If I were him I would be wanting to find out what additional activities the school could be flexible about and what it regards as non-negotiable. Their attitude towards her struggles would tell me quite a lot about whether it was the right environment for her long-term.

Thanks for all the comments and questions. A lot of the questions I don’t know the answers to as she is not my DC. This school was suggested by the primary and it sounded like a great opportunity. I’m not sure of other options but my DB will have looked into options. Sports are definitely compulsory in her year. Everyone is banded into teams by ability. There are lots of teams which is why matches seem to take a long time. She definitely has a very big bursary. I’m not sure exactly what but almost all her fees.

@YellowMarigold

Have sent you a pm

I teach at a top private school, but would not choose it for my kids. I think it’s worthwhile looking at time management and sorting this out with her tutor at school. Great opportunity does not equal happy home life, though the longer hours may allow her father to work more. She sounds truly lovely, keep listening to her concerns and look at time management. Sorting this out with her tutor is the best advice. It’s not meant to be a hamster wheel, she has to enjoy it as well.

Sounds quite normal. If she’s unhappy, I’d suggest your DB speaks to the school to understand whether these activities are genuinely compulsory- teachers are always keen to tell pupils they have to do X or Y but actually (subject to the terms of the bursary- don’t know anything about this) what they mean is you have to do matches after school if you want a place on the team- it’s not actually Compton the strict sense.

He needs to help her understand what actually is compulsory and whether she can do it. If not he can speak to the school to explain the situation.

Sport will be compulsory yes, but it may not be compulsory on Saturday.

If it is compulsory on Saturday she may still be able to get out of it given that she plays an instrument (unless she learns in school).

If it is compulsory, she can’t get out of it, and all the students are away all Saturday, then the school may not be that academic. Academic schools have more flexibility on sports. If it’s not so academic, there will be less pressure on work.

Sport on Saturday is definitely compulsory. She has a letter that was sent to all parents saying they have to facilitate it and it’s part of school. Same for evening sport.

I think it sounds hard but in years to come she will appreciate the incredible opportunity she's been given and hopefully this will give her a great start in life
Also sounds like you have a lovely relationship with her

It sounds like her distance from school is making it unsustainable.
Two hours of travel every day - including Saturdays - is too much when you factor in evenings sports etc.
Would the journey be less by car? Can her DF at least pick her up on the evenings she has sport, rather than her having to get the bus ?

I’m surprised at the agreement that this is normal for private schools. At my private secondary in the 80s/90s, sports teams etc were voluntary, and we had a long lunch break with activities like orchestra practice, choir, clubs run by sixth form students for first years. I was home by about 4.15 every day with plenty of time for homework and music practice.
I would have absolutely loathed having no free time in the week and having to spend all Saturday at sports matches!

Does the school offer boarding? If sounds like it does which would explain the longer days.

I work in a boarding school so can offer some perspective on that:

1. all year 7s are tired, dark evenings, new school, higher expectations etc…. Not just independents
2. is there an option of staying later and her dad picking her up? Which would give time to do prep at school?
3. could she board some nights? Removing the commute can really help
4. speak to her tutor /house parent (if boarding) and explain your concerns - they most likely want to help
5. it might not be the right school for her - and that is ok, she isn’t letting anyone down or wasting a great opportunity, it isn’t the right fit.
6. no, not everyone flew somewhere on holiday, there will be a full mix of very rich to full bursary. Even with no bursary a lot of parents a making sacrifices to attend the school.