Worried about niece and new private school activities

[YellowMarigold]

My brother’s daughter, my DN is bright and enjoys sports. She has a younger brother at primary. Sadly her mum passed away with cancer three years ago. At the advice of her primary DN did a test and got a scholarship to a local private school and her fees are almost completely covered by a means tested bursary. Nobody in the family has experience of private schools and there are a few things that don’t sit right with me that worry me.

There is a lot of sport. The sport in the school day is fine but at least once a week she plays a match against another school and is often not back at school until 6.30pm on the coach. It takes her an hour to get home on another coach, then homework and she practices an instrument. Every Saturday she also plays another sport against other schools. If it is an away match she is often gone all day. There is no choice about playing these matches. She has been told it’s part of school. She was encouraged to audition for a school play and got a part. The rehearsals are after school and on weekends so she often finishes late rehearsing and now is rehearsing on Sunday afternoons. She leaves home at 7am every day to get a bus that takes an hour. It isn’t an hour’s journey but the bus collects children from all over so it’s a lot of travel time. There is a lot of homework.

My worries are:
My DN does not seem to have any down time. She and her brother used to come to spend time with my kids at the weekend. She misses us and texts that she is sad she is busy all the time. She has cried on the phone to me several times and always says she didn’t know it would be such a long day and she finds it very hard. She asks me if secondary school is always so hard and I don’t know what to say. I know she is getting amazing chances from an academic point of view but it feels off balance.

My brother makes her food and keeps it warm, they hardly eat as a family. She isn’t doing more than the other kids, this is the standard. These are not optional clubs. Maybe I’m being overprotective because she has already lost her mum at a young age, but is this too much pressure and too much time in school? She has huge rings under her eyes and has difficulty sleeping because she feels stressed about school. Today she text me to ask if she has to go to her rehearsals. I don’t want to interfere but I don’t want to see her suffer and say nothing.

Sounds completely normal. Is it a boarding school (with day pupils) as they need to fill the day? From Year 6 my kids did prep until hometime at 6.30pm so they didnt need to do it at home which is great from a parent's perspective (I think,). Wednesday and Saturday matches, often a two hour drive each way with pick up on Saturday night at 6.30pm if you're lucky. My children enjoyed it as they had such a laugh with their friends farting away on the bus (poor bus driver) but perhaps they were luckily in that regard. Sunday used to be a chilled day until they wanted to join the local rugby club and play on Sundays. So Sunday supper was really our only family time! The long holidays make up for it though. And now, despite all this preparation at prep school, big school has been a huge shock as they are even busier!!! ...they're shattered!

It's normal for private schools to finish at 4 or 4.15 each day and to do lots of sports and music. Normally they have afternoon sports twice a week with only one day when they are playing matches - generally either Tuesdays or Wednesdays each week. Some schools have Saturday matches but not every weekend. It does sound like she's finding it hard to adjust and she pours everything out to you by text. It's wonderful that she has you and it's important that that continues. She will get used to it and it will get better because she is adjusting to both a new school and to Senior school. When you text her try to be positive and she'll start to see the positive in the situation and that she's having access to wonderful music, drama, art, sport, etc. She will settle, it's only her first term. Does she have any friends? That will make a big difference to her sense of happiness.

My dd was boarding at a private school for her first year of high school. The pressure was unreal. I removed her. No education is worth the damage it was causing to her mental health. It’s taken her a year at least to recover!

Would just like to add how lucky your niece is to have you. I lost my mum aged 11. Was a long time ago and was basically left to get on with it. I never dealt with the grief as I was too young to know how to on my own. It haunts me still. I hope she is getting time and expert help to deal with her loss. So glad she has a caring aunt looking out for her. Wish her much love.

Sounds normal to me. The travel isn't terrible either. What matters is if your DN is happy.

And now you know why private school kids do so well. I found all of what you said normal and I loved every minute of it. I wasn’t walking the streets like the kids at the local state school.

You don’t see so many obese/ overweight children at private school.

Would someone be able to go to matches with her on Saturdays that way wouldn't have to wait for bus and could enjoy family watching and chatting in car on the way home.

Just here to agree that it’s normal, she will get used to it and musical instruments and play are very likely to be optional. If on a full bursary the instrument will probably be covered - worth keeping up if it is, and if she enjoys it. Drop the play. Lots of private schools run prep clubs at school to get the homework done although this might not be covered by bursary. The homework will get heavier, much heavier and then an avalanche at yr 10 but she will have found her stride by then. Not all private schools are great but if it’s a good one then she’s been given a fantastic opportunity - even if it’s a not so good one, small class sizes and great facilities are a bonus. You do need to speak with your brother about your concerns, you don’t need to break her confidence to do that. Can’t you see her in a Sunday? Are your kids a similar age? Could you all get the homework, or some if it done together?

It’s part of the private school curriculum unfortunately. Driving adolescent to be competitive and ruthless and yes her parents are wrong for pushing her into it unless they want her to turn out like these Tory politicians.

It’s sad that she’s struggling. She will find it a little easier when she’s used to it but it’s not meant to be easy, this is quite normal for private schools. They are encouraged to work long and hard to succeed in life.Why do you think that most of the politicians, directors of companies etc. were privately educated. Also she’s wont be being told that she HAS TO participate in the various out of school activities just because she’s on a bursary, it tends to be compulsory for all pupils at private schools. Sorry I am just stating facts and don’t have anything encouraging to say. I almost want to say, if she isn’t any happier after the first term then speak to your brother about sending her to state school, but I personally think it would be a shame for her to waste this opportunity. Just my opinion, please don’t think I’m trying to interfere in your family decisions.

I went to private school and this certainly wasn’t normal. I didn’t do any clubs. It’s a shame it seems to have gone this way.

Wow some of these posts are so funny, it's hard to believe some people actually think like this ( and my DS is at a private school, courtesy of DGPs ).

Private schools are good at cultivating an old boy ( and girl) network. Like attracts like, that's why so many politicians have been to the most expensive private schools and less to do with their ability and stamina for long days.

Most DPs of privately educated DCs are in a high socioeconomic group, so they tend to have better diets than their poorer counterparts and can afford more lean meat and vegetables, this is likely why there may be less obesity amongst private school DCs.

Dniece may or may not adapt. Withdrawing a listening ear and replacing it with motivational texts would be a dangerous strategy.

I think your niece is asking you to help her and has gone to you because she knows you will listen.

Lots if people on here saying this level of activity is normal in private schools and quite a few implying that she’ll just need to get used to it. But her home circumstances aren’t normal. She’s lost her mum and her father is probably still grieving himself and might not notice what’s happening.

Everyone is probably so proud of her scholarship that she’s likely to be afraid to be seen to be complaining or ungrateful.

I think you should have a very careful chat with her Dad in the hope that he’ll contact the school pastoral lead. If the school is any good they will be on this and support your niece early. All the “opportunities” in the world are worthless if the child is broken.

Your niece is lucky to have an aunt like you to look out for her.

Hi OP. I was at private school and lost my Mum at a similar age to your niece. I didn’t do anything like those hours - I didn’t really do any extra curriculars and I always found the prep very easy so just breezed through it.

Honestly? I wish I had had more extra curriculars. I wish I’d got into sports and theatre (I did it all in Uni and loved it). I spent so much of my adolescence with nothing productive to do and as a result got into lots of drugs, promiscuous sex etc. Anything to fill the hole left by Mum’s absence.

It’s wonderful that your niece has you and can offload to you, but I also wouldn’t be too quick to discourage everything she’s doing. Once she settles into it she will probably find the camaraderie and self confidence that comes with all this sport and theatre really great for her mental health, and goodness knows she will need that in the coming years.

That is wonderful if you enjoy it. Someone who has a miserable 7 years of secondary school is unlikely to succeed.

Not all types of schooling is right for all children.

All the “opportunities” in the world are worthless if the child is broken.
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This ^^

Totally normal for private school. I went through it and looking back I think it was too much and unhealthy. However other people will disagree. The question isn’t whether the school is right or not it’s about your niece’s wellbeing and whether she’s happy. If she isn’t then you need to encourage her to speak to her dad.

All the “opportunities” in the world are worthless if the child is broken.

Yes yes yes yes, exactly.

I think extra curricular activities have to be enjoyable for the kid. My daughter has very long days because she finishes school at 4pm and then goes to muck out and ride her two ponies every day after school. She comes home around 7-8pm. Weekends are all spent at the yard or at competitions. But that's what she loves to do, it's not being forced on her. No kid should be forced into compulsory after school activities.

Private schools want results. To get these results they put children under enormous pressure.

anxiety, depression etc are sky high in private schools.

dd doesn’t want to go to private school, we could have sent her, but she knows 4 people who go to one and they’re all complaining of the homework, how hard it is etc.

dd knocks on for them after school and at weekends but they’re always busy with homework and school projects etc

Oh yes, that would be great for her, you should go too OP, if you could, and Wednesday matches too, if you ever can. Parents have a cup of tea afterwards, whilst children have match tea and it's great to meet and chat with the teachers and other parents.
Also all the matches and activities will be on the parents/events calendar online, maybe you could get a link from your brother? It'd be a great way to keep up with what she's up to, and to familiarise yourself with the school lingo and whatever is happening.
Someone else that would be good to have a chat with is Matron, she's pastoral but on the health side, you could perhaps give her a call and have a little chat?

Sounds similar to my friend's DC's life in top private secondary schools in Central London. I heard children who receive fundings from private schools are expected to take more responsibilities to represent their schools, such as music/sports competitions, media events, etc. Not sure if this is really the case.

Firstly you are an amazing 🤩 Aunt!
Keep supporting her as you are,
I lost my Dad when I was 9
and the support from my Aunts and Uncles was much needed. I would highly recommend bereavement counselling for
the whole family,
Childbereavment Trust is excellent but doesn’t cover the whole of the Uk. MacMillan can also offer advice. The school are hopefully aware that she has lost her Mum they should definitely be able to offer support if your Brother talks to them. Children can seem fine when someone has died and it can come out many years later as stress, depression etc..

Year 7 is a step up with lots more work but changing school and having to travel for 2 hours is a lot. Definitely plan some fun things for the holidays but not at the beginning. My children are at private school and they are always exhausted by the holidays. We always try and have a quiet few days to at the beginning of the holidays.

I really hope your Niece can find the support she needs and thrives at her new school.
💐

Sounds horrendous!