To refuse to apologise

[ChocBanana]

We are seriously, seriously struggling for money at the moment, as in all our food is coming from the local community food scheme and I haven’t paid my phone bill in two months.
We are working on getting it sorted but these things take time.
We do have family who could help but there are lots of other health issues going on and I don’t feel comfortable asking.
Last week was my sil’s birthday. Not a significant one, 53 I think. They live away and I literally didn’t have enough money to send her a card (a card plus a stamp or a loaf of bread was my choice).
I see her maybe three times a year and she’s been with my brother pretty much since school, so she has had a lot of birthdays since I’ve known her and usually gets something, even if it’s only small.
Incidentally, my older brother is proud of the fact he hasn’t sent a card or present to anyone for at least ten years (around the time his wife left him).
In lieu of the card, I asked my DH to send her a text (his phone and internet is paid by work so is still on). He wrote “Happy birthday, have a lovely day, look forward to seeing you all soon.”
I also sent her a message on FB, pretty much saying the same.
Yesterday I got a phone call from my mum saying my sil is gutted that I didn’t bother with her birthday and now they are saying it might “make it awkward” for Christmas.

I explained to my mum the situation, saying that I didn’t feel I needed to explain myself, and also my sister in law isn’t six, she should realise that some people are struggling (they have had three holidays this year so I imagine they’re not so much).

My mum thinks I should apologise and move on. I refuse to apologise for being poor.

Now a family row is brewing on top of everything else over a piece of fucking paper.

Should I apologise and move on, or stand my ground? I realise not apologising is incredibly childish but also, I’ve got principles.

AIBU?

You’ve got nothing to apologise for but you should explain, given you’ve caused offence. How is your SIL supposed to know the situation.

Don't apologise.
But do send a private FB message saying exactly what you said at the start of your message. She is being childish and maybe she should know your situation to understand that some people have a bit more to think about right now.

Don’t apologise but do explain why you didn’t send a card directly to her

It’s not apologising for being poor though; it’s acknowledging you couldn’t afford it this year and letting her know that’s why you didn’t send a card

I’d be telling her that you can’t afford a card, and that she’s very childish for making a point out of it.
I really don’t understand this, my retired SIL’s go mad if they don’t get a card. It’s pathetic and childish, the cards sit on the side for a day or two and then get chucked.

If you want to smooth things over, I'd be tempted to say I was sorry she felt that way (rather than sorry for the act because you have nothing to apologise for).

Did she get you much for your birthday?

She sounds rather dramatic.

In your shoes, I'd send a FB message and tell her everything you've said here.

As you say, if she has no money worries then she has no idea what you're going through.

Don't apologise, but do explain as her feelings are hurt, to avoid it becoming a bigger thing.

I dont think you should apologise, just briefly explain

but i would absolutely be complaining to your mum every single time your older brother doesnt acknowledge an event, just to make that point. Ive had the same argument with mine over my older brother. He stopped acknowledging all children as soon as his ex left him. But of course being the son, can do no wrong in our mum’s eyes.

That's what I'd do and hopefully she will be really ashamed of what a childish little twat she is.

Yes just explain why you didn't send a card. Would she have been expecting a present too? Anyone in their right mind would feel pretty embarassed making a fuss still after you've explained.

You don't have to apologise, but why cant you explain? Do you see them over Christmas? I take it there's no presents being given this year from them to you and vice versa?

I would explain but not apologise.

Do they send you/your DH a card? Does it look like you've just not bothered this year and you've given no explanation? I don't think SIL is being childish if you haven't explained at all - she's not a mind reader. I'd apologise for not being clear and therefore upsetting her so I've voted YABU - but I don't think you should apologise for not sending a card in the first place. Ignore me if I've misunderstood and she had been made aware of the circumstances!

@ChocBanana if my dd told me that she had to choose between food and sending a birthday card I wouldn’t be pursuing the apology.
I’d be transferring what I could afford into her bank and asking how I could help.

Dont apologise to your sil but tell her you are frankly embarrassed to have to explain that you are in financial hardship.

Both your mum and SIL need to grow up. Don’t they realise there are other things going on in the world? I can’t stand adults who expect the world to stop for their birthday. I would send her a message explaining why you didn’t send a card (don’t apologise) and hopefully she will feel embarrassed she’s behaved like a toddler.

We dont do cards in our family or gifts (My parents get a gift and card off us but not siblings, nieces, nephews)
To me, Its a waste of money and ive found we just send a text or message on social media.
Dp family get offended when no card arrives though.p
I wouldn't apologise either, maybe explain your situ but again tbh , I wouldnt do that- you and Dh sent a message and thats should be enough

Has your mum offered to help now that she knows how much you're struggling? Surely no mother would let their child live like this if they could help? I'm staggered her response was to tell you to apologise. I wouldn't apologise but I would explain to SIL

No, don’t apologise for that.

Brief explanation done in a way that hopefully makes her feel bad for being ridiculous would be my choice of 'apology'.

I’d explain, it isn’t apologising for being poor and as much as she should be able to recognise that people are struggling you fail to say why she’d know you guys are struggling so much. Does she know the extent of the issue?

She's being dramatic but maybe she does have other stuff going on that made this feel more hurtful to her in the moment.

I wouldn't apologise as such, but I would explain. It's ridiculous that anyone would be making Christmas awkward over this but you shouldn't feel that you need to keep your situation a secret, so many people are struggling this year.

Like others, I would explain, not only to avert an argument now, but also because presumably because you are going to face the same issue at Xmas. They will assume you will buy them gifts, and you won't have the cash to do so. The situation has got the potential to get a while lot worse.

Obviously you know the characters involved - but are ypu totally sure your SIL is bothered and it's not your DM projecting a bit? I'm not saying she's lying, just wondering if it's a case of something more like SIL mentioning she didn't get a card (meaning "is ChocBanana ok as I didn't get a card") and your DM interpreting it as "that bitch ChocBanana didn't even get me a card".

Just seems such an overreaction that I wonder if somethings got lost in translation!

SiL needs to grow up a little by the sound of it.
I would apologise for any offence caused, not for not sending a card, and I'd explain what you have told us here.

"I'm so sorry FOR NOT BEING ABLE to send you a birthday card this year. I hope your day went well and I look forward to spending time with you at Christmas"