To refuse to apologise

[ChocBanana]

We are seriously, seriously struggling for money at the moment, as in all our food is coming from the local community food scheme and I haven’t paid my phone bill in two months.
We are working on getting it sorted but these things take time.
We do have family who could help but there are lots of other health issues going on and I don’t feel comfortable asking.
Last week was my sil’s birthday. Not a significant one, 53 I think. They live away and I literally didn’t have enough money to send her a card (a card plus a stamp or a loaf of bread was my choice).
I see her maybe three times a year and she’s been with my brother pretty much since school, so she has had a lot of birthdays since I’ve known her and usually gets something, even if it’s only small.
Incidentally, my older brother is proud of the fact he hasn’t sent a card or present to anyone for at least ten years (around the time his wife left him).
In lieu of the card, I asked my DH to send her a text (his phone and internet is paid by work so is still on). He wrote “Happy birthday, have a lovely day, look forward to seeing you all soon.”
I also sent her a message on FB, pretty much saying the same.
Yesterday I got a phone call from my mum saying my sil is gutted that I didn’t bother with her birthday and now they are saying it might “make it awkward” for Christmas.

I explained to my mum the situation, saying that I didn’t feel I needed to explain myself, and also my sister in law isn’t six, she should realise that some people are struggling (they have had three holidays this year so I imagine they’re not so much).

My mum thinks I should apologise and move on. I refuse to apologise for being poor.

Now a family row is brewing on top of everything else over a piece of fucking paper.

Should I apologise and move on, or stand my ground? I realise not apologising is incredibly childish but also, I’ve got principles.

AIBU?

Yep, this. “SIL, I’ve heard through the grapevine that you’ve questioned why we didn’t send you a birthday card this year. I’m not one to discuss our finances with others but things are pretty tight right now and quite honestly, we don’t have any spare money at all. It wasn’t a reflection of how we feel about you and are looking forward to seeing you soon”.

I think if I usually sent a card I would have just put with the message that you aren't doing cards this year/any more.

Why is your mother getting involved in this? If your SIL is that upset she could speak to you herself. Sounds like a storm in a teacup being fed by wider family. I hope your mother was understanding and offered you some help for your situation.

Op hasn't caused offence imo, the sil has chosen to be offended. She was wished a happy birthday. If that's not giid enough for her, that's her problem. I wouldn't apologise.

I'd also let them all know from now that they wont be getting Christmas presents.

Good luck with that one. She sounds like a fucking child.

I'd have thought that if you've always sent a card and generally never miss birthdays then they'd at least consider that something must be up and instead of moaning she'd give you a call, thank you for the birthday messages and gently enquire if everything was alright.
What leads someone straight into the offensive and makes them think you've purposefully ignored their birthday when you never have before???

Why is your mum stirring? Surely she’s aware of your situation?

Your sil is an immature entitled madam! Don’t feel guilty and just send birthday texts from now on, she can like it or lump it. She’s not a kid, most people that age should be fine with a text.

you obviously do not need to ‘apologise for being poor’, maybe just a little note that you wanted to send a card but couldn’t this year, but nothing else has changed, looking forward to seeing you at Christmas etc. She won’t know there was a very good reason, same as you don’t know if she felt upset or worried that you’d fallen out when you hadn’t sent her a card like you do every year.

They're being pathetic. Don't apologise, tell them you have no money and ask if she would prefer for you to have sent her a card or allowed you to eat that day.

What a bloody drama queen. You DID wish her happy birthday..

Yesterday I got a phone call from my mum saying my sil is gutted that I didn’t bother with her birthday and now they are saying it might “make it awkward” for Christmas

Perfect excuse to swerve a family Xmas if you want to, OP. TBH, if my family got so petty over a card I'd wonder what else was going on.

I haven't had a birthday or Xmas card from my brother in decades. He keeps telling me that Australia Post loses them.....😅

Cut up cereal boxes and make a huge fucking card. Come Christmas shove it up her arse....

Or stay home for Christmas and celebrate being a grown up not a bratty woman child.

I would send a FB message as follows

I have decided to follow my brothers example of not sending cards, not because I am are like him, but simply because it’s now a choice between a card/stamp and feeding my family, and my family comes first. There is a cost of living crisis and not everyone has lots of surplus money. Whilst at it we will not be buying presents this year either, so please don’t get us anything. We have to focus on being able to pay our bills. If this means you will feel awkward at Christmas perhaps it’s better you don’t come

Whether on FB or as a text or email, this message needs to be sent. There are so many people who are simply ignorant that this crisis has pushed so many more people to the edge.

I'd say to her that I'm sorry you felt offended I couldn't send you a card this year. I do understand it's disappointing not to receive one. However, our financial situation is serious. We have no money for anything other than rent, food etc at the moment. We are working as hard as possible to improve it. At the moment we have to be very careful. I do hope you can understand and empathise with our situation.

Yes, that's the grown up thing to do and will resolve any further issues

Explain without apologising.

You don't need to apologise, but if you explain your situation clearly to her and to your brother then I would hope she would have the decency to be embarrassed about her trashy and entitled behaviour. Though perhaps you shouldn't hold your breath there.

If you explained clearly to your mother what your situation is then she too should be ashamed of herself. She should be trying to think of ways she can help you, not shit stirring.

When you message the explanation, also take the opportunity to explain that this is unlikely to have changed much by Christmas, so nobody should expect much (anything) from you as you won't be able to afford it.

I wish you all the best. I've been in your situation before and I know how shitty it is. They should all be trying to help you, not kicking off over a stupid birthday card!

That is the right thing to do @Topseyt123

Dear SIL
I'm sorry you were so offended that we didn't send you a birthday card. Next year we will be sure to send you one with age '4' on it cos at the moment you are acting like a child!!

Does she know how much you are struggling for money? A stamp and card is only going to be about £1.50 max so if I thought a family member was okay for money it wouldn’t occur to me that a card would be something they couldn’t afford. I don’t think you have to apologise, but you probably need to make your SIL aware the reason you haven’t been able to send anything as you normally do is because you are struggling financially and not because it’s some kind of snub or understandably she’s going to take it personally. As you’re all adults it’s also fine to agree that cards and gifts etc are a waste of money and not something to continue with any more, but that’s probably a conversation to have before someone’s birthday rather than to just not send something and change the status quo without discussion so it doesn’t come off as a personally offensive dismissive act.

No apology, no explanation.

You sent your best wishes, that is enough.

If your SIL takes offence, that's up to her. I do not believe there is either a law nor human right not to be offended.

Hardly sensible when OP has only heard this second hand, and her mum bought who be exaggerating.

Are you sure your mum isn't shit-stirring?

Also, if you weren't able to send a card I think it would've been been nice to actually ring her on her birthday rather than just send a text or a facebook message. I dunno, it just seems a bit more personal and like an effort's been made. The only time I ever make a phone call these days is on someone's birthday to wish them happiness.

I realise when I say this that phone calls are actual violence so may not be appropriate in some eyes

@ChocBanana my sympathies to
you - as you rightly say, uproar over a piece of paper! My in laws are significantly (by thousands per month!) better off than DH and myself and we are seriously watching the pennies at the moment. You have nothing to feel bad about, nor do you have to explain why you didn’t send a card. You were thoughtful and that’s more important than a piece of paper that will wind up in the recycling bag. Hugs to you x