To refuse to apologise

[ChocBanana]

We are seriously, seriously struggling for money at the moment, as in all our food is coming from the local community food scheme and I haven’t paid my phone bill in two months.
We are working on getting it sorted but these things take time.
We do have family who could help but there are lots of other health issues going on and I don’t feel comfortable asking.
Last week was my sil’s birthday. Not a significant one, 53 I think. They live away and I literally didn’t have enough money to send her a card (a card plus a stamp or a loaf of bread was my choice).
I see her maybe three times a year and she’s been with my brother pretty much since school, so she has had a lot of birthdays since I’ve known her and usually gets something, even if it’s only small.
Incidentally, my older brother is proud of the fact he hasn’t sent a card or present to anyone for at least ten years (around the time his wife left him).
In lieu of the card, I asked my DH to send her a text (his phone and internet is paid by work so is still on). He wrote “Happy birthday, have a lovely day, look forward to seeing you all soon.”
I also sent her a message on FB, pretty much saying the same.
Yesterday I got a phone call from my mum saying my sil is gutted that I didn’t bother with her birthday and now they are saying it might “make it awkward” for Christmas.

I explained to my mum the situation, saying that I didn’t feel I needed to explain myself, and also my sister in law isn’t six, she should realise that some people are struggling (they have had three holidays this year so I imagine they’re not so much).

My mum thinks I should apologise and move on. I refuse to apologise for being poor.

Now a family row is brewing on top of everything else over a piece of fucking paper.

Should I apologise and move on, or stand my ground? I realise not apologising is incredibly childish but also, I’ve got principles.

AIBU?

I think some people find birthdays very important. Getting a card or a little gift is key to them. As the op says she had to explain to her mother, then it’d clear the mother didn’t know how bad they were struggling right now, which indicates neither does the sister in law. It’s not the mothers place to tell the ops problems so apologising and moving on is best, if the op doesn’t want to share with them how bad things are.

You didn't cause offence, she took offence. You have nothing to be sorry for, however if you have a good relationship with her, maybe send her an explantation then it's up to her to choose where she stands.

Also, I'm so sorry you're having a tough time. x

Chdjdn · Today 07:52
Don’t apologise but do explain why you didn’t send a card directly to her

Agree, to an awful lot of people, the COL crisis is nothing but an item on the news. She may not be aware of your circumstances.

'Dearest SIL, I'm sorry our inability to afford even a card and postage stamp for your birthday has made your life so traumatic. I'll make sure to go without even more than at present so you get a Christian card at least. With Love. OP'

Drip it with every ounce of malicious sarcasm. If they live so far under a rock that they haven't realised people are struggling, even if they aren't, then they don't deserve any niceties.

@Porcinimushroom you are right and you just have to read the threads on MN about 'big' birthdays and some of the expense expected to confirm this.

I think an explanation is appropriate. Perhaps even suggesting no more cards for adults in your family, and not expecting any for your own birthday.

Please do not say the word sorry in any context. You have nothing to apologise for. You did wish her a happy birthday just not send a card. Let her and your mother know it was a choice between her birthday card and stamp and a loaf of bread to feed your children. Your children's welfare come first every single time. No apology, no further explanation or elaboration. Let that sink in with them all.

Or, as is probably the case in real life, the sister in law hasn't got a clue why she didn't get a card, mentioned it in passing to the OPs mother and promptly forgot about the whole thing. In particular that she is now being bitched about and accused of being childish by a bunch of pathetic people on a website she might not even use 🤷🏻‍♀️🤔

Dear ChocBanana

Wishing we could all be with you today to wish you a very Happy Birthday.

It's your special day — get out there and celebrate!

Much love as always

from Charlize43 + family.

Apologise for what? Just let it wash by you. Do not engage in explanations or recriminations. Rise above it.

Not sending a birthday card. It’s right there in the op?

My parents forgot about my brithday this yar and it didnt cause a fmialy rift. I personally dont get the obsession with cards and certianly not at this age... Also going via another person. You sent her a message as well!

@gettingolderandgrumpier its not her sister.

‘Hi, that’s a shame you complained about the birthday message, to my mother. I didn’t want to broadcast my private business, but we can’t afford a stamp this month. Really not having a great time at the moment. Hope that clarifies things.’

But I lean in to peoples shitty behaviour, shine a light on it, and never allow drama queens/shit stirrers to control anything.

In what world is a stamp and a card 1.50?
A stamp alone is 95p
Most cards cost at least 2 pound

All your food is coming from charity? Then of course you shouldn’t be spending money on cards and stamps.

However, if you usually do send a card, I think it was foolish not to just pick up the phone as well as message.

Are you sure SIL is “gutted” and it’s not MIL stirring the pot? You can get a lot of drags mileage if you’re so inclined from, “did you get a card from ChocB? / no 🤷🏻‍♀️ / of that’s a shame / <non committal acknowledgment grunt>)

Whoever is biologically appropriate, you or your husband, phone her.

”I heard you’re upset at no card?”

Then depending on response, sort it - with explanations not apologies - or tell her to go fuck herself.

2nd class stamp is 68p
Card from card factory, the cheap ones are sold 3 for 99p (I buy ahead using this deal).

I suppose if it’s a
1st class stamp thats 95p
Card from Waitrose or WH Smith is often £2.49 to start.

It won't hurt to say something like "I'm sorry to hear you are upset about not getting a card" which is not really the same as apologising. Then you can go on to explain that things are tight and there just wasn't time to get anything sorted what with you both working all hours etc etc. And finish with a "hope this won't spoil us getting together for Christmas" or similar. But you may also want to add an extra "face it we're all old enough and ugly enough not to believe in Father Christmas so we've decided we won't be giving any presents for anyone over 16 and won't be expecting them either".

Are you by sure your sister in law is 'gutted' or is it possible your mum exaggerating ?

yep - just send a private message

Don't let it escalate to prove a point. It's cutting off your nose to spite your face.

I'm sorry things are so tough .

Don't apologise. Your SIL is a grabby CF. And make some provisional alternative plans for Christmas. Or actual ones.

I'd explain but no apology, not even 'im sorry you feel that way' Hopefully then she might feel a bit foolish for acting 3 instead of 53.

This

A second class stamp is 68p.

You can pick up a simple birthday card for 50p in most supermarkets or from places like the Card Factory.

Well unless she knows you're hard up it must have looked like you knew there was a bday and just didn't bother with card/gift. A brief mention of the situation at the time of messaging her would have been the thing to do but that ship's sailed. Having got involved I think your mum should now explain things to SIL, and let that be the end of it.

You didn't realise anyone still did cards? So you've not visited any gift shops, Post Offices, supermarkets, petrol stations, TKMaxx, Boots etc at all in years? Wow

Who sends cards anymore ?!?!