To refuse to apologise

[ChocBanana]

We are seriously, seriously struggling for money at the moment, as in all our food is coming from the local community food scheme and I haven’t paid my phone bill in two months.
We are working on getting it sorted but these things take time.
We do have family who could help but there are lots of other health issues going on and I don’t feel comfortable asking.
Last week was my sil’s birthday. Not a significant one, 53 I think. They live away and I literally didn’t have enough money to send her a card (a card plus a stamp or a loaf of bread was my choice).
I see her maybe three times a year and she’s been with my brother pretty much since school, so she has had a lot of birthdays since I’ve known her and usually gets something, even if it’s only small.
Incidentally, my older brother is proud of the fact he hasn’t sent a card or present to anyone for at least ten years (around the time his wife left him).
In lieu of the card, I asked my DH to send her a text (his phone and internet is paid by work so is still on). He wrote “Happy birthday, have a lovely day, look forward to seeing you all soon.”
I also sent her a message on FB, pretty much saying the same.
Yesterday I got a phone call from my mum saying my sil is gutted that I didn’t bother with her birthday and now they are saying it might “make it awkward” for Christmas.

I explained to my mum the situation, saying that I didn’t feel I needed to explain myself, and also my sister in law isn’t six, she should realise that some people are struggling (they have had three holidays this year so I imagine they’re not so much).

My mum thinks I should apologise and move on. I refuse to apologise for being poor.

Now a family row is brewing on top of everything else over a piece of fucking paper.

Should I apologise and move on, or stand my ground? I realise not apologising is incredibly childish but also, I’ve got principles.

AIBU?

I can't believe your mum is making you apologise. In this situation
a) my mum would be helping me even if she was on the bones of her arse herself
b) telling SIL (and DB I presume) to jog on and get off their high horse.

You explain your situation so she will understand. I’m sorry you are going through hardship but like you say your sister not so much so how is she to know you can’t afford a card ? . Your situation has affected her as she’s upset about a card , silly yes but she’s your sister so explain and maybe ask for help . If you were my sister I’d be more upset that you hadn’t come to me when you can’t afford your phone bill , food and not even a card. Please just explain to your family .

We are seriously, seriously struggling for money at the moment, as in all our food is coming from the local community food scheme and I haven’t paid my phone bill in two months.

Did you tell your mother exactly the above?

If not, I think you should tell your mother and SiL both. I'd be mortified about kicking up a fuss over a birthday card when a relative can't afford to buy food.

You don't need to apologise for being poor, If sending a card is something you always do but have suddenly stopped doing then an explanation would be the right thing to do.

in every family there's one person who's expected to take whatever is thrown at them with a smile, preferable to lie down like a door mat and take it smiling because this disguises the bad behavior or short comings of other members of the family. I've seen this in my own family. We're never ever going to address the fact that my mother is extremely hurtful and to feel our own feelings is sensitive but to not be manipulated back to heel by her feelings is coldhearted. If you stand up for your own right to feel hurt or ask her why she just cannot acknowledge that she hurt you or gave you the silent treatment et cetera then that highlights her flaws which is not your role. PLAY YOUR ROLE

You shouldn’t apologise, but you should explain. Presumably there might be similar offence taken at Christmas if you don’t, and she can’t be expected to magically know that you can’t afford a card.

You didn't hear this directly, you heard it from your mum.
Is your mum telling you word for word what was said or adding her own bits in?
SIL may not have said it in the way your mum told you!
My mum is a shit stirrer and thankfully I speak wirh my sisters directly rather than listen to her gossip.

Similar to prior posters, I agree you have nothing to apologise for but it would be in your best interests to give your SIL and now mum an explanation of how much you are struggling to say why you could not afford a card in the post.

I recognise this will hard because you’ve been deliberately hiding this from them as you do not want them to help you out. This is a bit of stubborn pride if I’m being honest. You are caught up in a massive crisis that is no fault of your own. Family is there to pull together and get everyone through it.

I've never understood grown adults throwing tantrums over a birthday card. This happened to me once, I forgot to send a birthday card to the young son of an ex neighbour of mine. She sent me a snotty letter (pre mobile days) reminding me that she had sent my son a birthday card but I hadn't sent hers one. I never heard from her again which was a blessing tbh 🤣🤣

I think if you always send a card to just stop without telling them you were going to or why is a little off. I would be thinking why have they stopped, have I done something, have they fallen out with me?

So I would explain the reason for the lack of card, and this would also clear up any expectations for Christmas cards and presents!

Very easy this one.

'SIL. I'm sorry our not sending a card made you feel that way. Certainly wasn't the intention. Looking forward to seeing you at Christmas. Just so your aware we are pretty skint at the moment so our gift will be our time, see you soon!'

There, sorted.

I think you should apologise. Not for not sending a card, that needs no apology. But because you didn't communicate beforehand to say you couldn't do birthdays this year/this month/at the moment.

As you say, she has no money worries, so she probably has no idea that a card and a stamp weren't an option. All she'll have seen is that, after everyone usually doing something to mark birthdays, you've ignored hers. Posting on facebook doesn't really count.

Apologise for not warning her. If there's still an issue after that, it is not one of your making.

Agree both DM and SIL are being petty and ridiculous and you should tell them that you are having serious financial issues (it’s possible they may offer to help).

If any similar situations come up, I think there are some pretty good (free) e-cards online. If you wanted to do more, you could even do something like create a word cloud for SIL (should also be free but look thoughtful).

If you have always sent a card/present and didn't this year and sent the birthday message with no explanation I can understand why she would wonder why.

In the birthday message I would have wished her happy birthday and then said "sorry I haven't been able to send you anything, but money is tight just now"

So you don't need to apologise, but I definitely think you need to explain, because on the surface it looks like you have forgotten or don't care.

You shouldn't assume that she knows about your current circumstances.

I will be 53 in my next birthday, I cannot imagine a world in which I would go crying to my father in law because my brothers in laws forgot my birthday. I doubt any of them even know my birthday to be honest. But even if they do it is ridiculous behaviour from a grown woman.

All that said, if you do usually send cards and this is particularly abnormal, I don’t know why you didn’t send a quick explanation “sorry I am not able to send a card this year, things are tight”.

@ChocBanana

Oh I would tell my mum to sod off for stirring up drama and if sil is really that offended she can tell
You herself at which point you can tell her exactly why if need be not that it's any of her business mind you.

Tell your mum to stop with the flying monkey shit.

I used to have this with my in laws all the time mil being the main shit spreader.

We literally tell her nothing now at all.

If she asks anything about anything she gets told to stop being nosey

It all sounds very intrusive and self-involved.

You did wish her a happy birthday. You didn't forget it and didn't fail to acknowledge it. She then went complaining your mum - at the age of 53??! - because she wanted stuff from you. And your mum willingly passed on this crap to you.

Age 53 ffs. Honestly I'd have told my 20-somethings to get a bloody grip, not play flying bloody monkeys for them.

I wouldn't apologise either. What I might do though is tell her not to worry about Christmas being 'awkward' because you aren't bothering with it outside of your own nuclear family anyway, because of the cost of living crisis.

As PP said, I'd probably grit my teeth and send a message to your SiL to explain.

But fucking hell what a petty drama queen to be 'so hurt' to the point of telling other people and feeling awkward about it at xmas at least 6 weeks later...its a bit of paper, with literally the same message that you sent electronically. You didn't forget her birthday and you didnt forget to contact her. Madness.

And your mum...if any of my kids were struggling with money that much I'd be asking what I could do to help out not berating them for not wasting it

My mum would be gutted not to get a card as she really values cards and the messages people write in them. Where my dad couldn't care less.

If you always send cards it does look a bit strange that you suddenly didn't. I would drop sil a pm saying that money is super tight and can't stretch to cards at the moment but you hope she had a lovely birthday.

@ChocBanana
I'm sorry your having such a rough time; I'd message her on fb and totally explain the situation

Eg card & stamp V load of bread

Explain to her but do not apologise - I'm guessing she has absolutely no idea about the situation your in and it might make it easier if you tell her

As for making it awkward at Christmas that's a dreadful thing to say and I'd be having a word with you mum about that and explaining the same to her

YABU

If I can’t afford to buy someone something I will always say “happy birthday/Xmas etc I’m really sorry but I can’t afford to buy you anything this year”.

I didn’t realise anyone still did cards anyway but if it’s something your family normally does then I would definitely have messaged her to explain.

It would also open the conversation to not buying anyone anything at Christmas.

It sounds like you and your partner have both recently lost your jobs which is why you’re both struggling so much and so I would definitely be telling people this so this isn’t repeated at Christmas.

Absolutely nothing to apologise for but I do think you should explain the situation to her, just to set her straight really. If you were a member of my family and I became aware that things were so bad for you, I would do whatever I could to help you out. Sorry things are so shit OP, I've been where you are and know how hard it is. I couldn't even pay 50p for a non uniform day at one point. I hope things get better for you soon. Sending love.

Surely not that close if none of them know you can’t afford food. Nothing to apologise for.

As she's upset (rightly or wrongly), I'd definitely send her a message saying you just couldn't afford a card and stamp this year as money is really tight.
She'd be pretty childish to not understand and appreciate that.