To refuse to apologise

[ChocBanana]

We are seriously, seriously struggling for money at the moment, as in all our food is coming from the local community food scheme and I haven’t paid my phone bill in two months.
We are working on getting it sorted but these things take time.
We do have family who could help but there are lots of other health issues going on and I don’t feel comfortable asking.
Last week was my sil’s birthday. Not a significant one, 53 I think. They live away and I literally didn’t have enough money to send her a card (a card plus a stamp or a loaf of bread was my choice).
I see her maybe three times a year and she’s been with my brother pretty much since school, so she has had a lot of birthdays since I’ve known her and usually gets something, even if it’s only small.
Incidentally, my older brother is proud of the fact he hasn’t sent a card or present to anyone for at least ten years (around the time his wife left him).
In lieu of the card, I asked my DH to send her a text (his phone and internet is paid by work so is still on). He wrote “Happy birthday, have a lovely day, look forward to seeing you all soon.”
I also sent her a message on FB, pretty much saying the same.
Yesterday I got a phone call from my mum saying my sil is gutted that I didn’t bother with her birthday and now they are saying it might “make it awkward” for Christmas.

I explained to my mum the situation, saying that I didn’t feel I needed to explain myself, and also my sister in law isn’t six, she should realise that some people are struggling (they have had three holidays this year so I imagine they’re not so much).

My mum thinks I should apologise and move on. I refuse to apologise for being poor.

Now a family row is brewing on top of everything else over a piece of fucking paper.

Should I apologise and move on, or stand my ground? I realise not apologising is incredibly childish but also, I’ve got principles.

AIBU?

[Bleachmycloths]

@Susurrar

I can’t imagine why a supposedly fully grown up adult would be making a fuss over a birthday card. How petty and/or bored do you need to be?? I wouldn’t apologise, you sent her birthday wishes, job done. The rest is on her.

Your SIL must be related to my SIL btw. A few years ago, she sent me a birthday card. I was floored by a stomach bug, looking after a 6mo DS at the time and didn’t have the headspace to send her a thank
you message . She kept banging on about it to everyone in the family pretty much until Christmas (my birthday is in the summer…).

Expecting a thank you for a birthday card seems OTT to me. Would your SIL then send a “You’re Welcome ‘ card to you? Some people do seem to live their lives as if they are starring in their own movie 😁

[Chickapea77]

Just send her a text explaining your finances do not allow for any extra spending atm and no one more than yourself wishes you could have sent a card. If she is still upset, do a homemade card and hand it over at Christmas 😉

[Blondeshavemorefun]

So you did acknowledge her birthdays. Not once but twice. Text and Fb message

and she still isn’t happy

problem is you have only a version by mum

not from sil

you could message her again and say along the lines about why didn’t send a card and how you are struggling

sure if she knew the extent she wouldn’t be upset why didn’t beg a card

that’s if she is actually upset

i get you don’t want to tell people your financial difficulties but equally they are family and May went to help

[Bleachmycloths]

SIL is an absolute baby. I can’t imagine choosing to be offended because I received 2 texts/FB posts but no card. Today I bought a birthday card plus postage stamp. £3.50. That is a lot if you’re struggling. It would pay for bread and milk.

[Lulusays]

We have a rule in our family that we only get cards and/or presents for the kids of extended family. She needs to grow up. Absolutely absurd to think that caring and love can only be in the form of a physical item. Also why does it fall to you when it’s your SIL?! My own sister is my priority, my husband’s siblings are his!

[TenSixtyNine]

@CrabbitBastard

How are you managing to pay the internet bill to post on facebook and mumsnet? Are you getting all the benefits you might be entitled to? Could you downsize? Increase working hours?

Oh, look, some judgemental, patronising and unsolicited advice that is irrelevant to the point of the thread! You forgot to suggest to take in some ironing. Come on, that's Mumsnet 101 basics!

[J578]

If your SIL is unaware that you are struggling I kind of see her point that she might be a bit upset that you didn’t ‘bother’ with her Birthday with no explanation. If it was me I would just message to say that I was sorry that she felt upset, but it wasn’t that you wasn’t ‘bothering’ but that you are struggling. Life is far to short to be arguing over something so petty.

[Janus]

It’s a piece of paper, what a ridiculous woman she is! Honestly my mind boggles that someone would be upset by this, a message is just as sufficient, you probably write more in a message than in a card.
As for people asking how you afford the internet, if you are on universal credit you can get 6 months of free internet to help with looking for jobs.

[Susurrar]

I can’t imagine why a supposedly fully grown up adult would be making a fuss over a birthday card. How petty and/or bored do you need to be?? I wouldn’t apologise, you sent her birthday wishes, job done. The rest is on her.

Your SIL must be related to my SIL btw. A few years ago, she sent me a birthday card. I was floored by a stomach bug, looking after a 6mo DS at the time and didn’t have the headspace to send her a thank
you message . She kept banging on about it to everyone in the family pretty much until Christmas (my birthday is in the summer…).

[30swith3]

’I’m sorry to hear you were upset & felt we didn’t make effort for your birthday. In all honesty everything is pretty difficult, financially, at the moment and we didnt want to make a big thing out of it. We’re unable to afford …… at the moment and have had to make the difficult decision to not spend money on cards and presents this year. Unfortunately we’ll have to take the same stance at Christmas, so please do the same. Really looking forward to seeing you soon/at Christmas!’

[CrabbitBastard]

How are you managing to pay the internet bill to post on facebook and mumsnet? Are you getting all the benefits you might be entitled to? Could you downsize? Increase working hours?

[Softplayhooray]

OP years ago I was in the same situation and was treated pretty similarly. In fact I spent my last few quid on some flowers and choc for a close family member who was pretty wealthy and didn't even work, when I had literally zero to spend and it was the end of my overdraft and had multiple jobs and that person bitched and moaned that it wasn't particularly nice, instead of saying thanks. Because it was the cheapest on the website.

I thought it was disgusting then and even more so now that I am actually a lot more financially comfortable. To be so cold and callous as to make you apologise for not sending a gift to a grown adult after you'd sent her lovely birthday wishes via phone already?! I mean come on. Talk about greedy ans materialistic. Ignore them all. They are nasty and ridiculous.

[cookiesbeforepookies]

I think if you've always exchanged cards then it would have been nice to send her an e-card with a promise to send a real belated card as soon as financial situation improves.

[Chocolatedip]

I can’t believe an adult is making a fuss because they didn’t receive a birthday card. How petty and immature. You sent birthday wishes - twice, and that was enough.

[mezlou84]

You're not being unreasonable for not being able to afford one. Ways round it make a card on a bit of paper and ask to put it in with your families cards they're sending. We do this with our family we don't hardly see so it's just one post rather than a few. Also could of sent birthday wishes online and explained in pm that money is tight and couldn't afford to post one but hope she has a wonderful birthday. I would definitely apologise because how are they supposed to know the situation and feel like you're snubbing them. It's not apologising for being poor it is just letting them know they are still thought of but can't afford a card right now. Wouldn't be first time I've got a piece of paper from a neighbour and used pens or crayons to put happy birthday on it x

[TenSixtyNine]

Don’t bloody apologise! Seriously, grown adults getting their knickers in a twist over not getting a birthday card? They should ask someone to gift them a grip instead!

[PollyAmour]

A facebook birthday message should be enough. Does your mother not understand how utterly skint you are?

[Outtasteamandluck]

Who sends cards anymore ?!?!

[ChristmasisRuined]

@CarefreeMe

YABU

If I can’t afford to buy someone something I will always say “happy birthday/Xmas etc I’m really sorry but I can’t afford to buy you anything this year”.

I didn’t realise anyone still did cards anyway but if it’s something your family normally does then I would definitely have messaged her to explain.

You didn't realise anyone still did cards? So you've not visited any gift shops, Post Offices, supermarkets, petrol stations, TKMaxx, Boots etc at all in years? Wow

[LadyApplejack]

Well unless she knows you're hard up it must have looked like you knew there was a bday and just didn't bother with card/gift. A brief mention of the situation at the time of messaging her would have been the thing to do but that ship's sailed. Having got involved I think your mum should now explain things to SIL, and let that be the end of it.

[MolkosTeenageAngst]

@Skelligsfeathers

In what world is a stamp and a card 1.50?
A stamp alone is 95p
Most cards cost at least 2 pound

A second class stamp is 68p.

You can pick up a simple birthday card for 50p in most supermarkets or from places like the Card Factory.

[MuthaHubbard]

@Theskyisfallingdown

@gettingolderandgrumpier its not her sister.

‘Hi, that’s a shame you complained about the birthday message, to my mother. I didn’t want to broadcast my private business, but we can’t afford a stamp this month. Really not having a great time at the moment. Hope that clarifies things.’

But I lean in to peoples shitty behaviour, shine a light on it, and never allow drama queens/shit stirrers to control anything.

This

[MuthaHubbard]

I'd explain but no apology, not even 'im sorry you feel that way' Hopefully then she might feel a bit foolish for acting 3 instead of 53.

[LadyMarmaladeAtkins]

Don't apologise. Your SIL is a grabby CF. And make some provisional alternative plans for Christmas. Or actual ones.

[Luredbyapomegranate]

@Donotgogentle

You’ve got nothing to apologise for but you should explain, given you’ve caused offence. How is your SIL supposed to know the situation.

yep - just send a private message

Don't let it escalate to prove a point. It's cutting off your nose to spite your face.

I'm sorry things are so tough .