Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Brothers kids exclude my dc, feeling so sad for them

394 replies

Cantsleep4am · 20/11/2022 05:00

We live in London & travel hime to visit my elderly father very frequently who absolutely adores my kids & vice versa. My dc are always so excited to see their cousins who are the same age unfortunately the feeling is not mutual... My sil has never been inclusive & my brother would never even ask my husband out for a pint even though he's heading out himself. We've accepted this even though we would love to feel more welcome when I come home. I'm crying my eyes out here for my dc though.. We had a get together at home for my father's birthday at my brothers. My dc were so delighted to be spending time with their cousins. When we arrived my nieces & nephews didn't acknowledge my kids & kept playing on their screens. I could tell my dc were crushed. They sat with them anyway but mine don't have devices so we're clueless & felt awkward. Then my bro announced he was taking his dc to the town hall as something was on, my eldest piped up can I go too... My niece replied "it's only for people from Littleton" (not name of my village). The night before there was another event in the village, we were travelling down from London but I told my sil my kids would love to go with their cousins. She was very unenthusiastic, then said oh we won't be staying long & besides the dc will be with their pals... So upset at how insular they are, my dc are crushed & I feel there's a reverse snobbery towards us as we're from London. We need to come down to my village as often as we can to see my father who has a wonderful relationship with my dc but the obvious contempt their cousins have for them is heartbreaking.
I won't discuss it with sil & my bother as they have never included us when we're home.

OP posts:
Rinatinabina · 20/11/2022 05:33

Does your brother resent you for moving away? Is there a big disparity in lifestyle/ values? Were you close growing up?

Tbh DH’s brother is nice enough when we go to his hometown but really quite disinterested in him. They were very close in age but very different people who’s lives took different paths never very close as brothers. He lives close by to DH’s parents and he and his wife have had to take on the bulk of responsibility for ageing parents and it must be difficult. It does seem like they don’t really want a relationship with you and your family for some reason.

I know it’s hurtful but you may just have to plan stuff for your own kids without them while they are there. You can’t force a relationship, you could try to have it out with your brother but I expect you won’t get the truth.

Cantsleep4am · 20/11/2022 05:34

Shameless bump, feeling so sad for my dc... They are 12, 10 & 9

OP posts:
medicatedgift · 20/11/2022 05:35

What age are the cousins?

Cantsleep4am · 20/11/2022 05:36

They're the same ages as my dc.. 12, 10 & 9..

OP posts:
medicatedgift · 20/11/2022 05:42

How often do you travel down?

You seem to be very different people to your brother and his wife. Your kids don't have devices, for example.

Maybe he thinks it's too forced with you turning up like the prodigal every so often? I used to feel like that about my brother and his family. Swanned in to do performative helping once In a blue moon but weren't there day to day.

You can't make kids be close. Tbh I'm surprised a 12 year old hasn't got a phone for eg. That will make them stand out in this day and age.

Cantsleep4am · 20/11/2022 05:42

@Rinatinabina thank you. It's the way we're made feel like complete outsiders that upsets me... And also the genuine excitement my dc have about seeing their cousin's who then treat them with contempt... DH has mentioned in the past that it's slightly odd my brother wouldn't even mention to him he's going to the local for a pint.
They are extremely good to my father who is elderly & we try & get home as often as possible.
As in lifestyle we love to travel with the dc, once or twice a year. My bro & sil in law rarely leave the village with their dc for days out & don't holiday. They are well off though.

OP posts:
medicatedgift · 20/11/2022 05:44

I have never invited my brothers wife out with me for a drink. Still less out with me and my friends. She's not my sort of person. I have my own friends. She is married to my brother. That's it. I'm polite in her company but I've no interest in being friends with her.

If it's a let's all 4 go out (me, my DP, brother and his wife) then sure - but go with me when I'm seeing friends by myself or just me and her? No

Cantsleep4am · 20/11/2022 05:45

@medicatedgift they do have devices but they would leave them at home for family events etc.. We're home at least twice a month & stay longer in the half terms /holidays

OP posts:
medicatedgift · 20/11/2022 05:47

So how are yours clueless and awkward if they have devices but just didn't bring them?

You can't force friendship. I'm sorry. Either between the kids or with your husband and brother or you and your SIL.

ZekeZeke · 20/11/2022 05:48

Crying your eyes out is a bit dramatic.
Perhaps your brother and his wife do all the caring for your dad while you live away and they just want a break?
There could be resentment on their part.

ASimpleLampoon · 20/11/2022 05:49

Sounds like they are just doing their own thing rather than actively leaving out your children. Heading out with six kids in tow is a lot.... not everyone likes being in charge of other peoples kids. Have you suggested taking all of them out to do something?

MrsJephson · 20/11/2022 05:50

You can't force them to be friends which is a shame and probably a loss for them but it is what it is. You should join a local information group and plan your own things to do when you're visiting and make your own local friends to visit. Your children will soon make friends there if you visit often and include local events. Where do you stay when you're there?

Cantsleep4am · 20/11/2022 05:50

@medicatedgift whatever about DH & I not being made particularly welcome it makes me so sad to see my dc being given the cold shoulder.. My poor dd when she asked if she could attend the xmas event in the town hall with her cousins & my niece replying "It's only for people who live in this village"... I could have taken them myself but a) we didn't know it was on & b) I was taken aback & said "no dd remember we must take the dog & grandad's dogs out of their walk"..

OP posts:
Cantsleep4am · 20/11/2022 05:52

MrsJephson · 20/11/2022 05:50

You can't force them to be friends which is a shame and probably a loss for them but it is what it is. You should join a local information group and plan your own things to do when you're visiting and make your own local friends to visit. Your children will soon make friends there if you visit often and include local events. Where do you stay when you're there?

We stay with my dad & he loves when we're home. We love our trips home too & try to get home aa much as possible, I work every second weekend.

OP posts:
Cantsleep4am · 20/11/2022 05:55

medicatedgift · 20/11/2022 05:47

So how are yours clueless and awkward if they have devices but just didn't bring them?

You can't force friendship. I'm sorry. Either between the kids or with your husband and brother or you and your SIL.

I never said my dc were clueless & awkward! As a family devices aren't carried everywhere with us, this was a family event for my fathers birthday, absolutely no need for devices.

OP posts:
medicatedgift · 20/11/2022 05:55

Was it only for people who live in the village?

If you want to build relationships in the village then you need to start going to stuff with your kids. Be proactive. Join a Facebook group. Start checking what's on and going.

But you'll make your kids friendships difficult in both places if you keep making them go once a fortnight.

They won't be able to go to anything weekly at the weekend in either place and parties and loose arrangements (like your 12 year old will be doing soon) will be difficult in both places.

purplethings · 20/11/2022 05:56

Can you organise something spontaneous when your there ? Is there a garden, could you take a football or something. If you start playing with your kids and having fun I'm sure the other kids will be curious and start to join in. Bypass the parents and engage with the kids on their level.

medicatedgift · 20/11/2022 05:56

When we arrived my nieces & nephews didn't acknowledge my kids & kept playing on their screens. I could tell my dc were crushed. They sat with them anyway but mine don't have devices so we're clueless & felt awkward

You said yours don't have devices, so were clueless and felt awkward? It's right there in the op.

Ohdearnotagain76 · 20/11/2022 05:57

I think your taking this too personally, the kids are cousins not friends. It’s not the childrens fault you come down ever couple of weeks and invade their space/ home, although get why you come. Do your own thing with your dad and just leave your brothers family to do theirs. If your husband wants to go for a pint maybe he should go with his own friends. Good luck with your dad and just enjoy your family

Cantsleep4am · 20/11/2022 05:57

medicatedgift · 20/11/2022 05:55

Was it only for people who live in the village?

If you want to build relationships in the village then you need to start going to stuff with your kids. Be proactive. Join a Facebook group. Start checking what's on and going.

But you'll make your kids friendships difficult in both places if you keep making them go once a fortnight.

They won't be able to go to anything weekly at the weekend in either place and parties and loose arrangements (like your 12 year old will be doing soon) will be difficult in both places.

No! Anyone could attend, it was a fundraiser!

OP posts:
Cantsleep4am · 20/11/2022 06:00

medicatedgift · 20/11/2022 05:56

When we arrived my nieces & nephews didn't acknowledge my kids & kept playing on their screens. I could tell my dc were crushed. They sat with them anyway but mine don't have devices so we're clueless & felt awkward

You said yours don't have devices, so were clueless and felt awkward? It's right there in the op.

@medicatedgift so sorry I did say that. Lack of sleep tonight! I think it's more the fact that their cousins didn't greet them & stayed playing their devices tgst made them feel awkward, not the lack of devices. I would have absolutely called my dc out if they behaved that rudely to any guests.

OP posts:
Whinge · 20/11/2022 06:01

Ohdearnotagain76 · 20/11/2022 05:57

I think your taking this too personally, the kids are cousins not friends. It’s not the childrens fault you come down ever couple of weeks and invade their space/ home, although get why you come. Do your own thing with your dad and just leave your brothers family to do theirs. If your husband wants to go for a pint maybe he should go with his own friends. Good luck with your dad and just enjoy your family

I agree. OP, you seem to think that because your children are excited to see their cousins the cousins should feel the same way. But they're not little children any more, they have friends and plans that don't include your kids. You can't force them to spend time together.

medicatedgift · 20/11/2022 06:02

You can't have it both ways.

PoseyFlump · 20/11/2022 06:15

A few posters have asked you @Cantsleep4am if the real problem is you moving away but you haven't answered?

How old is your DF? What care needs does he have day to day? Does he have regular hospital appointments? Is he able to go food shopping?

I do all of the above for my parents with no help from my siblings. Then when they do occasionally visit they expect my elderly parents to fuss over them making them food etc. I wouldn't go so far as to say I resent them but if your DB and SIL are in a similar situation I could see why they might be lacking in enthusiasm.

Roundandnour · 20/11/2022 06:19

You are there on a regular basis.
What’s wrong with you being proactive with doing things when you’re home?

Like the town hall thing. Nothing wrong with you and your dc making your own way there. Could have taken the dogs out for a walk and then gone rather than relying on others to take yours.

Want a pint? Don’t wait for an invite just pop in when it suits you and your dh.

You know the other dcs will have their devices with them, why keep your children’s ones at home?

Nothing worse than regularly having to entertain people when they are more than capable of entertaining themselves