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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Brothers kids exclude my dc, feeling so sad for them

394 replies

Cantsleep4am · 20/11/2022 05:00

We live in London & travel hime to visit my elderly father very frequently who absolutely adores my kids & vice versa. My dc are always so excited to see their cousins who are the same age unfortunately the feeling is not mutual... My sil has never been inclusive & my brother would never even ask my husband out for a pint even though he's heading out himself. We've accepted this even though we would love to feel more welcome when I come home. I'm crying my eyes out here for my dc though.. We had a get together at home for my father's birthday at my brothers. My dc were so delighted to be spending time with their cousins. When we arrived my nieces & nephews didn't acknowledge my kids & kept playing on their screens. I could tell my dc were crushed. They sat with them anyway but mine don't have devices so we're clueless & felt awkward. Then my bro announced he was taking his dc to the town hall as something was on, my eldest piped up can I go too... My niece replied "it's only for people from Littleton" (not name of my village). The night before there was another event in the village, we were travelling down from London but I told my sil my kids would love to go with their cousins. She was very unenthusiastic, then said oh we won't be staying long & besides the dc will be with their pals... So upset at how insular they are, my dc are crushed & I feel there's a reverse snobbery towards us as we're from London. We need to come down to my village as often as we can to see my father who has a wonderful relationship with my dc but the obvious contempt their cousins have for them is heartbreaking.
I won't discuss it with sil & my bother as they have never included us when we're home.

OP posts:
Gumreduction · 20/11/2022 07:21

FreakyFrie · 20/11/2022 07:17

Bit OTT to say to a child ‘police at the door’
The OP didn’t even know about the event so it would of just been for people in the village.

My village occasionally do events just for people in our village.

Also I’m not sure why the OP would even want to go considering they didn’t want her there. Their cousins would of just carried on ignoring them and the adults would of say with their friends leaving the OPs family out.

OTT to say “will there be police at the door?!” To a pre teen?

My village occasionally do events just for people in our village.

so if one of the villagers brought along a family member… what would happen?? And what kind of event “just for people in our village”?

Stressfordays · 20/11/2022 07:22

Let them take their devices, it can bond children quite quickly. Especially a game of fortnite together or something multiplayer. They can add each other on the devices and game together when at home, it might foster more of a relationship. You can change how your brother parents but you can allow your children to do what their cousins are doing to build more of a bond.

Gumreduction · 20/11/2022 07:23

I have similar aged children

and, well, first of all - mine would laugh this off and not give a hoot, but I appreciate that other children are more sensitive BUT what I am baffled is that your children continue to get “very excited” about seeing their cousins despite seemingly having no positive relationship with them even though they see each other frequently.

SD1978 · 20/11/2022 07:24

What do you do to encourage a bitter relationship? You don't like your SIL, has your husband ever suggested the pub to his BIL? Have you ever suggested an event to take the kids to? Have you ever extended an invite down to London and have them stay with you? Having a family relationship works both ways- and whilst to don't 'do' devices, if the kids were all playing together it would get them interacting.

Hesma · 20/11/2022 07:25

If you won’t discuss it with your brother then how will you ever sort it out? Speak to him

Greytea · 20/11/2022 07:26

The OP didn’t say they visit every other weekend, she says they go home as often as they can. The OP works every other weekend. How often do you actually visit? Twice a year? How far away is it? Five hours’ drive each way? I think I the cousins were a bit rude, but I also think it slightly odd that your DC were “excited” to see their cousins.

FreakyFrie · 20/11/2022 07:26

Gumreduction · 20/11/2022 07:21

OTT to say “will there be police at the door?!” To a pre teen?

My village occasionally do events just for people in our village.

so if one of the villagers brought along a family member… what would happen?? And what kind of event “just for people in our village”?

Yeh I think it’s OTT to say to a child. It’s being sarcastic to a child. No need.

How would I know what would happen, I don’t run the events! i just know they occasionally take place.

lifeinthehills · 20/11/2022 07:26

They don't sound very friendly but you can't force relationships. I would just let my kids bring their devices if you're keen for them to connect with their cousins. It would give them common ground to possibly bond over.

As far as taking your child to the event, were you going to go with them? Maybe they didn't want to watch someone else's child?

Sometimes people are just different and we have to accept that there will never be a close relationship with them, family or not. It's disappointing but just what it is.

Gumreduction · 20/11/2022 07:26

FreakyFrie · 20/11/2022 07:26

Yeh I think it’s OTT to say to a child. It’s being sarcastic to a child. No need.

How would I know what would happen, I don’t run the events! i just know they occasionally take place.

Genuinely curious. What events in your village only for villagers??

Teateaandmoretea · 20/11/2022 07:31

OP they sound awful, but they aren’t going to change. ‘Events just for people in the village’ my arse.

I’d go and see your dad but do so when they aren’t around.

It’s not ideal, but you can’t change people, it’s a fact of life. I imagine there is a lot of jealousy that you got away and the seeds are planted into the kids.

Softplayhooray · 20/11/2022 07:36

Cantsleep4am · 20/11/2022 06:00

@medicatedgift so sorry I did say that. Lack of sleep tonight! I think it's more the fact that their cousins didn't greet them & stayed playing their devices tgst made them feel awkward, not the lack of devices. I would have absolutely called my dc out if they behaved that rudely to any guests.

I mean it's not great manners, but probably the cousins just don't feel happy with feeling like they should entertain your kids every time you turn up. They are probably just very different personalities. We avoid a cousin as her kids and ours just really don't get on - one of theirs is abrasive and very rough but we just couldn't say that to them without causing a rift so avoiding is a good way to go.

I'm not a lover of devices but sounds like them bringing theirs on these occasions might help them bond a bit? Or ask them or another family member what the issue might be?

medicatedgift · 20/11/2022 07:37

How does being tired mean you forget that your kids have devices?

Barnowl25 · 20/11/2022 07:39

My BIL takes my husband to the pub when we visit - BILs friends chat to DH and are inclusive. No idea why other posters are so shocked at the idea of inviting BIL for a pint. There must be more to this story or the village is like sitting out of Hot Fuzz.

Pipsquiggle · 20/11/2022 07:44

Sounds like there is other stuff going on here. Sounds like a lot of pent up resentment directed at you that could influence the behaviour of their DC.

Does your DF live with your DB?
If not does he require a lot of care /help?

Does your DB's family do the vast majority of work needed for DF?

Do you swan in every other week to see your DF, don't really help just cause extra hassle for your DB's family and then leave, off back to London?

I remember our family doing the most care for my DGM due to proximity. My aunt or cousins used to swan in every other week, act like do gooders but not actually help DGM and caused more hassle for us. My DM asked my aunt if she could do all the stuff you can do remotely E.g. Finance but my aunt refused

Could there be more to your situation than moody nieces and nephews?

Rainbowcat99 · 20/11/2022 07:44

I could have taken them myself but a) we didn't know it was on & b) I was taken aback & said "no dd remember we must take the dog & grandad's dogs out of their walk"

But this does sound as if you not only wanted your dd (and the other two???) to go, but you wanted somebody else to take them? It's a big responsibility taking on somebody else's kids and I'm wondering if there's been a history of you expecting them to take your kids out whilst you "visit" your dad?
What happens when you organise a trip out for your dc and their cousins op? Do they behave better when you're treating them?

ivykaty44 · 20/11/2022 07:44

I do think crying your eyes out over this is a tad dramatic.

if you’re traveling down there every other weekend most months then it must be difficult for your children to not have friends there in their cousins.

you can force a relationship between the children. Can you organise other activities there so your children make their own friends?

does your dh ever ask his BIL to the pub for a pint?

Chocchops72 · 20/11/2022 07:46

@Stressfordays

agreed. my 12 and 15 year old have managed to create a really close relationship with their only cousin thanks to Minecraft, Fortnite and other online games - despite living in different countries. They only saw each other 1-2 times a year at most. But they criss-crossed online a lot when they were apart, always chatting and having a laugh. My DSs even got to know some of their cousins friends online, and then eventually met them IRL.

GoldenSpiral · 20/11/2022 07:49

God, you do sound like one of those annoying London-based families that think you're superior to everyone else when you leave town. Painful. Why would they feel a sense of reverse snobbery if they are well off?

They must be absolutely green with envy for not living in London but not to fear, I'm sure they get to live through your family as you probably all witter on about how amazing your busy city lives are. Lucky, lucky them. I can't imagine why the cousins don't greet them with open arms...

Beautiful3 · 20/11/2022 07:53

I would explain to my children that, their cousins aren't friendly, so not to bother them. Bring their devices so they have something to do. I wouldn't be asking the brother or his wife to take one of my kids somewhere, just take them yourself. It could be they're feeling the strain of caring for dad, it could be why they never go away. They may feel resentful that you moved away. Not only is London more appealing, you also get to travel. It might also be upsetting for them, how your dad reacts to your visits. Your brother may never get that happiness from dad, because he's always there.

Could you talk to your brother, ask him if there's anything he needs help with for dad. Could it be he's running around alot, but your dad's not said anything.

Januarcelebration · 20/11/2022 07:54

Greytea · 20/11/2022 07:26

The OP didn’t say they visit every other weekend, she says they go home as often as they can. The OP works every other weekend. How often do you actually visit? Twice a year? How far away is it? Five hours’ drive each way? I think I the cousins were a bit rude, but I also think it slightly odd that your DC were “excited” to see their cousins.

Op says they are home twice a month. I presume she means to visit her dad and family. That’s roughly every other week.

Greytea · 20/11/2022 07:57

ivykaty44 · 20/11/2022 07:44

I do think crying your eyes out over this is a tad dramatic.

if you’re traveling down there every other weekend most months then it must be difficult for your children to not have friends there in their cousins.

you can force a relationship between the children. Can you organise other activities there so your children make their own friends?

does your dh ever ask his BIL to the pub for a pint?

OP is not travelling down every other weekend. She hasn’t said how often she visits.

Baconking · 20/11/2022 07:58

If you've visited regularly since your kids were babies I would be really surprised that the cousins aren't closer.
Did they play as toddlers and when younger but suddenly stopped now?

euff · 20/11/2022 07:58

I don't understand the flack you are getting. My DC were always excited to see their cousins and vice versa. I think it helped that parents on both sides were also enthusiastic about them being together. We never had to force it and I thought it was lovely. My DH also has a wonderful relationship with his cousins. Unfortunately your brother and SIL aren't keen so there's nothing you can do.

Don't big up the relationship or the visits for your children so they aren't deflated when they get there. Do your own thing and take your own kids for days out/ meals/ walk with hot choc or anything even if bro, sil are kids are around when you are there. If you feel they are cold towards your family then just visit your dad and look out for your kids. If they do visit you consider allowing your kids to get on with their own lives and seeing their own friends even though to you that's rude. Don't make your kids treat them better than they are treated though no need to say that's what you are doing.

MuthaHubbard · 20/11/2022 07:59

It's not great and you can't force things - I used to hate having to drag my sister along when playing, never mind a cousin
Also sounds a bit like you expect to be entertained by them. And they shouldn't have to change what they are doing just because you all tip up every other weekend. It's not exciting for them, they are just going about their normal life

Greytea · 20/11/2022 08:00

Januarcelebration · 20/11/2022 07:54

Op says they are home twice a month. I presume she means to visit her dad and family. That’s roughly every other week.

“At home” means she is at her own home in London, surely. That’s what I understood.

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