Brothers kids exclude my dc, feeling so sad for them

[Cantsleep4am]

We live in London & travel hime to visit my elderly father very frequently who absolutely adores my kids & vice versa. My dc are always so excited to see their cousins who are the same age unfortunately the feeling is not mutual... My sil has never been inclusive & my brother would never even ask my husband out for a pint even though he's heading out himself. We've accepted this even though we would love to feel more welcome when I come home. I'm crying my eyes out here for my dc though.. We had a get together at home for my father's birthday at my brothers. My dc were so delighted to be spending time with their cousins. When we arrived my nieces & nephews didn't acknowledge my kids & kept playing on their screens. I could tell my dc were crushed. They sat with them anyway but mine don't have devices so we're clueless & felt awkward. Then my bro announced he was taking his dc to the town hall as something was on, my eldest piped up can I go too... My niece replied "it's only for people from Littleton" (not name of my village). The night before there was another event in the village, we were travelling down from London but I told my sil my kids would love to go with their cousins. She was very unenthusiastic, then said oh we won't be staying long & besides the dc will be with their pals... So upset at how insular they are, my dc are crushed & I feel there's a reverse snobbery towards us as we're from London. We need to come down to my village as often as we can to see my father who has a wonderful relationship with my dc but the obvious contempt their cousins have for them is heartbreaking.
I won't discuss it with sil & my bother as they have never included us when we're home.

If you’re there every 2nd weekend and more in holidays I can imagine they’re exhausted spending so much time together. That’s a lot. We see nieces and nephews once every 2 months for a weekend and it’s exhausting, at the end of the weekend my children who love and get on with their cousins are ready for space. We don’t stay with them but go out together etc. Maybe they’re going out without your Dc for the space.

Also I don’t think if you’re going home every weekend your not working you can class yourself as a guest and expect special treatment, you don’t have to find your own weekend entertainment in London so find it when home.

As for devices, my children play on them with their cousins no issue. Let them take them and they can maybe play together. My nephew even played online with one of my DC’s friends.

I also wouldn’t expect SIL to invite me to the pub but sometimes someone will initiate a trip and a few will stay to look after the kids whilst a few go out. B

Basically, you’re not guests with the frequency your visiting so take more responsibility for yours and your childrens entertainment. Theirs no reason you can’t invite their cousins.

When my ds was still alive l had ‘little home’ and ‘big home’

My house and her house were both homes.
I’ve written ‘home’ 3 times and now it sounds like a really weird word!

There is clearly bad blood here and you clearly dislike them intently. Your post is so dramatic, with you sitting crying your eyes out , your kids being so excited clueless bewildered crushed etc

but again, taking six kids somewhere is very different to taking 3. Why didn’t you pipe up that you’d take them as taking 6 children would be too many?

It seems your DB family have there own life and set of friends, as you to should have . But you rock up every other weekend and want to slot into there lives 🤷‍♀️

Visiting every other weekend is a lot. Great if it's you taking your share of caring for your dad, but you can't expect to be treated as visitors if you're there that often. You need to build your own lives in the village.

If you were there a few times a year then yes the cousins should be inclusive and the adults should socialise but every other weekend?! They have their own lives.

If you lived in the village you would have separate lives, not be in each others pockets.

Are your children not missing out on their social lives at home? Might it be better if you visited alone half the time?

Not just slot in, but be fully involved.... Don't know why as op seems to be quite disparaging and doesn't seem to approve of or like them!
Was the event ticketed and the child got it wrong re only from village? Our village Hall is quite small and limited tickets for such events would be on sold due to "health and safety" imposed on the event!

I have always encouraged my daughter to spend time with her cousins. We even lived in the same house with one of them when she was very little. She still hates spending time with them. They are totally different to her and she has her own friends and interests that they don't share. Visiting her cousins is a total chore for her.

Dc go to a private day school (no weekend school & matches are sporadic) all their activities are built into their school week which frees up family time at the weekend. Alot of their friends families also travel out of London at the weekend. Parties tend to happen mid week & quite late in the evening at that!

You haven't answered the question about your DF day to day care.
Do your brother and his wife look after your fathers needs daily?

Dh's sister's kids are not interested in ours. That's fine, they don't have to be friends. But it is sad when one side wants the relationship more than the other. I feel like that too.

But I don't expect anything, I just distract my kids and time our visits so we don't see each other very often.

I think there is also a weird dynamic if one sibling lives 'on site' so to speak with an elderly parent and the other comes to visit. I don't know what you can do about that though. You live where you live.

Maybe a conversation with your db to see how he's feeling about your dad's care, if there's anything he needs support with?

These kids sound horrible and they've quite clearly learned it from their parents. I wouldn't bother, in your position.

"this is a LOCAL event for LOCAL people, there's nothing for you here"

FFS

Let yout kids bring their tech. They are more likely to sit together and play stuff online

I'm wondering if there is a whole load of resentment here from your SIL who feels she has to put out for your father while you live in London? They might feel you just waltz in and out at weekends and holidays? Do they maybe think you are taking advantage of your father staying with him so often? Situations like this can be very difficult.

I do the same as you op - visit parent back in my home town from London where brother and family also live. Unlike your situation though, the dcs do get on with their cousins.
I'm not going to go into the details as that isn't the point of my message but I wanted to say that this relationship has been nurtured over the years.
Have you offered to have your dns over? Have you offered to babysit while you're there? Have you taken them out?
These are all the things I do regularly although it's not often reciprocated. It has resulted in the cousins being close and me having a good relationship with my dns.
Someone has to put the effort in. Luckily my brother and his wife jumped are the chance of child free time so it worked.
Not sure if it would work if you have a brother and his family who almost seem to be actively avoiding spending any time with you and yours.

This. No need to be crying your eyes out and 'so sad'. Accept these people aren't into you and live your life.

My brother & sil do an awful alot for my dad but we have always thanked them profusely, offered to help always, come home to him & actively work. Dh does an awful lot of the house maintenance. We have said on many occasions that we're around & go away for a week/weekend with the kids but they don't. They don't leave the village. They're going to a nearby city in a couple of weeks Christmas shopping but that's it!! We are doing all we can for dad considering dh & I's jobs are in London & the kids are in school there.

My SIL (DP's sis) has the same problem as your bro. She is there caring for her elderly DPs day to day. Her DC, who are 6, 13 and 17, are always there too and treat it like their 2nd home. BIL (DP's bro) and family come over a couple of times a month and expect to be entertained but SIL is too bloody busy!

DP goes a couple of times a week and mucks in, he has a much better relationship with his DSis than his DBro does.

Are you from Royston Vasey by any chance? With you "crying your eyes out" your dc "awkward and confused" and the "local events for local villagers" it certainly sounds like a sketch.

Your brother and SIL are caring for your father. They really don't want to be hosting you for two weekends of their month. As upsetting as that might be, you need to accept it and sort out your own social life when back in Royston the village.

So why the heck didn’t you say this in response to the Niece?!!

So you can see how it’s a bit of a piss take that you wouldn’t take your child to an event, but are upset your dbro didn’t want to take her and be responsible for her.

They care for your dad, then you expect them to take your kids out to something you wouldn’t go to.

It sounds to me that it is the brother and SIL who are from Royston Vasey, not the OP @LisaJool

Do you think though your brother / s’n’law are jealous of you? Are you considered your dad’s favourite? Is it likely he is talking constantly about you and your kids to your brother? I know my mum talks constantly about my sister’s children - I don’t take it personally because I know she is elderly and doesn’t have a lot to talk about. But if I was already jealous of my sister I think I would be very upset about it.

Their friends in the village are carefully chosen & would be similarly wealthy to them. In the past their dc have made comments about certain children in the village who they don't like & won't play with.. Sil or bro would chip in with a bitchy comment about the family.. Not nice.

No, it's not nice, but no one's nice all the time and everyone has a bitch now and then, especially in insular village life. You've cosseted yourself from that by living in London where that community doesn't exist in the same way and you've chosen a private day school for your DC, so you can hardly point the finger at SIL for carefully choosing wealthy friends for her DC and eschewing 'certain children' as by definition that's precisely what you've done - and now you're being bitchy about her.

I'm not saying SiL is great, but you're judging her and her her DC as though you and yours have some moral highground and it probably comes across and bugs the shit out of them. I'd be glad that everyone gets on as well as they do and stop being unrealistic about it.

Sadly I suspect that one or more of the cousins finds yours annoying/ full on and don’t enjoy the visits. I understand how hurtful it is but your kids sound v enthusiastic and perhaps they are getting their hopes up a bit too much? They likely come across as a bit OTT and it sounds as though the cousins want to see their own friends. Horrible seeing your kids feel rejected like that. I just wouldn’t keep making an effort because that is the path to certain madness- to keep doing the same thing expecting a different outcome

In the past their dc have made comments about certain children in the village who they don't like & won't play with.. Sil or bro would chip in with a bitchy comment about the family..

I think this is the crux of the matter. SIL & DB are mean and small-minded, and that attitude has been pushed onto their children. Dial back the visits 'home' - can your DF come to visit you instead?