Brothers kids exclude my dc, feeling so sad for them

[Cantsleep4am]

We live in London & travel hime to visit my elderly father very frequently who absolutely adores my kids & vice versa. My dc are always so excited to see their cousins who are the same age unfortunately the feeling is not mutual... My sil has never been inclusive & my brother would never even ask my husband out for a pint even though he's heading out himself. We've accepted this even though we would love to feel more welcome when I come home. I'm crying my eyes out here for my dc though.. We had a get together at home for my father's birthday at my brothers. My dc were so delighted to be spending time with their cousins. When we arrived my nieces & nephews didn't acknowledge my kids & kept playing on their screens. I could tell my dc were crushed. They sat with them anyway but mine don't have devices so we're clueless & felt awkward. Then my bro announced he was taking his dc to the town hall as something was on, my eldest piped up can I go too... My niece replied "it's only for people from Littleton" (not name of my village). The night before there was another event in the village, we were travelling down from London but I told my sil my kids would love to go with their cousins. She was very unenthusiastic, then said oh we won't be staying long & besides the dc will be with their pals... So upset at how insular they are, my dc are crushed & I feel there's a reverse snobbery towards us as we're from London. We need to come down to my village as often as we can to see my father who has a wonderful relationship with my dc but the obvious contempt their cousins have for them is heartbreaking.
I won't discuss it with sil & my bother as they have never included us when we're home.

This is actually a really good age for your children to learn that you can't change other people, and that people's actions are about them and not you.

This helps them to understand that this is not their problem, that they have no responsibility to try to somehow gain approval from these cousins, and it will increase their resilience.

Start before they even go next time - when they are getting excited, remind them, 'now remember, although it's lovely that you are excited to see your cousins, they may not be excited to see you. They are just not that type of people.'

Not better, not worse, just different.

Just leave them be FGS OP

They ate happy and settled in their village. They don’t want to travel and they don’t want a close relationship with you. Enough now!

This is actually a really good age for your children to learn that you can't change other people, and that people's actions are about them and not you

and that people have different likes and dislikes, and some don’t to travel AND you can’t force people to spend time with you or be excited about seeing you just because you feel differently.

My children are similar ages
and honestly…. I don’t know whether they just have super thick skin but this would really wouldn’t give a toss if cousins they infrequently saw didn’t seem bothered to see them, especially given primary purpose is to visit grampa who you say they adore.

presumably your child have very full lives, good friends etc in their day to day lives? Mine doand so this really would be a 🤷‍♀️, each to their own and I’ll see spend more time with Gramps

then again their mother ie me! Wouldn’t be going around feeling “very sad” and crying my eyes out! They feed off you op

I see this differently, having been the one of the cousins whose parents remained (in Ireland rather than a village). When cousins blew in from America or the UK, their parents always assumed we would absorb them into our activities and our friendship groups and our social lives, rather than just being cousins who hang out at family events. There was definitely an expectation that we would be close, even though their parents had chosen to move away (I'm not judging that, I moved away too in due course).

When we go back of course it is lovely if DS can spend time with cousins and with friends' children, but it doesn't always work out and I certainly don't invite him along to events they are attending with their friends.

I think your expectations are unreasonable, basically.

Wow some people are being very harsh It is hurtful that the cousins didn’t welcome or look up up from their devices. We’ve been in situations like this and it is so rude

You cannot force others to be your friends. It is disappointing but it doesn't sound like you actually like your DB, SIL and children.

I'm crying my eyes out here for my dc though.

This is a tad melodramatic.

It is rude
but…. You shrug it off and focus on your father / grampa and then return back to you home the following day and don’t give it further thought.

or do you get “very sad” and cry your eyes out?

I came here to say this 👌🏻

OP - Have your kids actually said they’re upset about the ignorance of their cousins, or is it your observation (I have read all of your posts but apologies if I may have missed this)
IMO cousins are being rude, even if they have become different people, there is no need to be ignorant and rude.
I’d be explaining to your kids that sometimes people do change however it’s not a reflection on your kids or anything they’ve done; they shouldn’t take it personally, chalk it down to experience and continue to enjoy visits to their grandad whether cousins are going to be there or not. “Be the better person”
enjoy your family Christmas- your kids sound lovely

@GiantPurplePeopleHater no they haven't mentioned it at all, I just know my their facial expressions that they're a little crestfallen & deflated... That's all to be honest. The day of the party they chatted together & with the other guests when saw their cousins weren't interested. They also played outside with my brothers dogs, played uno with their grandad (his suggestion) & fitted in fine. I was gutted though, their cousins could at least have said hello🤷‍♀️

If your children are, literally, "crestfallen" over this you need to do more to help manage their expectations of other people.

Sounds like you’re more gutted than them, you’re just being a sensitive mum😬and that’s OK
They appear to be pretty resilient, grounded kids and their cousins (and their parents) are just stuck in their ways.

Move on and don’t make your thing their thing 🙂

I said their expression was crestfallen. They are used to people treating them respectfully & vice versa. I will not teach my children to think rudeness & ignoring people is the norm.. At least it's not in my neck of the woods. I think I'm finished with this thread now. I won't be changing my values, common courtesy is the least any human being can expect, my children at least deserved a hello. I think anyone would be crestfallen at being blatently ignored, that's not my expectation of people & I won't teach my children to accept this tyoe of behaviour. I will no longer be posting on this thread @EndlessRain@EndlessRain

@GiantPurplePeopleHater last comment! Thank you, it is me who's upset, the kids were grand, they really enjoyed their day & liked catching up with my dad's brothers & sisters who always make a fuss of them! We will muddle along ourselves with dad over Christmas, my brother & his family know where we are if they need us & we'll exchange gifts as always at dad's Christmas eve.

Right, fine. But not everyone will have the manners you do. And your children will need resilience to deal with that or life will be very disappointing and hard for them. It's not teaching them that that beahiour is ok, but rather giving them the confidence not to let it get to them.

When my DC see their same age cousins at some sort of family gathering there is usually some sort of communal chit chat for an hour or so. Then all the DCs end up devices. There is a certain amount of bonding over devices (playing games together, sharing stuff that they are reading/looking at) but a lot of it is them not really interacting whilst in the same space.

And my DC see their cousins twice a year. So seeing each other is unusual and they treat each other like guests.

Your issue seems to be that you want to be treated like guests i.e. others make an effort to entertain you, but your frequency of visiting means you are you are treated in a much more casual way. If you are primarily going to support your father then being there to support him is all you should expect out of the visit! I'd also suggest that you should mix it up a bit. Maybe go by yourself sometimes? And, despite your assurances, I find it very odd that your oldest DC specifically doesn't want to do more at weekends with their friends - they cant' all be away every weekend! And if they don't know, they are certainly likely to in the not too distant future.

Having read through this thread - I'm not sure what you actually want OP. You seem to have this vision of a Hallmark Christmas movie family - yet it appears that you and your brother don't especially get on or like each other.

Your posts seem pretty judgemental about your brother's "provincial" lifestyle, their lack of desire to travel as you do, different attitudes to parenting etc. The judgement is really implied in many of your posts. Do you really think that your attitude has not been conveyed to your brother's family and that they have backed off from you as a result? It sounds as though you visit your "home village" on a very regular basis but do you not have other friends there?

So my question is why - given that you don't respect your brother, SIL or their kids - do you have such a strong desire to play "happy families" twice a month and a chunk of the holidays and constantly expect them to want to entertain your kids and be up for panto trips etc? Is part of the issue that you wish you still lived there - but you have to live in London for career reasons?

Also - as an aside - I think you are crazy making your own kids leave their devices at home when they visit their cousins. I'm speaking as someone who moved abroad and saw cousins from 3 countries who didn't really have much in common bond at a family birthday party over a Nintendo game back in the day Tweens and teens have bonded over electronics at family events for well over a decade . You should consider carefully why you took this decision - is it another part of the (Swallows and Amazons?) fantasy where cousins will run off to the fields and "play"? or is it more a statement of parenting and another implicit criticism of your brother's parenting that yours never have devices and should sit and chat politely? even if it further alienates the 2 sets of kids

OP - do you see it might not be about the DC though?

It might be more about how you impact their family dynamic.

I assume you are visiting 'up north' somewhere.
Do you know how irritating it is when London folk come up and laud it over them about how cool London is (even though you're not) - because it is, and sometimes DC get jealous?

It could be resentment about you not doing any of the grunt work with your DF.

Or it could just be that they are pre-teens and getting moody.

Loads of possible reasons for their truculence.

You have very little in common with your brother now, OP. Your children also have little in common with their cousins. Unfortunately, if you live differently to them, some people will take you simply just talking about your lives to be bragging.

You’re doing the right thing going forward. Focus on your father and your own nuclear family, don’t bother with your brother beyond politeness when your paths cross.

It sounds to me like the cousins are feeling territorial and that you and your family are encroaching on their “space” and relationship with grandad, and so are purposefully giving your children the cold shoulder. Maybe in a few years they’ll mature and come around.

My BIL has never asked my husband to the pub, even though my husband is generally acknowledged to be a cracking bloke by all other friend's husbands (their husbands actually check mine will be there when we meet up, popular bastard).

It's a weird expectation, to be honest, and I do find that you seem to put a gloss on things, like my mum does. No sentence without a superlative.

Please don't be surprised if your kid's relationship with their grandfather begins to evolve. I stopped joining family visits to my gran at 13 because it gave me downtime alone. Nothing to do with not loving her.

Blew in? That says a lot about you.

It's not acceptable behaviour and it's shortsighted of the parents if they're encouraging their children to behave in this way. Yes, people can be friends with whoever they like and can choose who they develop close relationships with but it's very stupid to burn family bridges like this. London is not the be all and end all, but it does offer a lot of career opportunities post-college or university and lots of people do end up there, at least at the start of their careers. Having a friendly aunt to stay with for free when doing work experiences or internships could be incredibly useful in 5-10 years time.

It's inevitable at the age your DC are that they'll not necessarily gel with their cousins, and visiting every other weekend is regular enough that it's not a novelty when they're visiting your dad. When my kids were your kids age, they were busy with their own activities at the weekends (football, dance, parties, sleepovers, music, hanging out with friends) and a family visit would have had to be a big deal to stop those. Also, my kids get a lot of enjoyment socialising via devices and in online games on the X-Box. In many cases, it's the online equivalent of getting out the Monopoly.

Also, my brother and my husband have known each other for 30 years now, get on very well together, but have never been to the pub together the two of them on their own.

The OP makes it sound like your father has a LOT of care needs, but actually he has none.
That being the case, why don't you invite him to stay with you?
I'm sorry, this seems like a ton of fuss for something totally avoidable.