Brothers kids exclude my dc, feeling so sad for them

[Cantsleep4am]

We live in London & travel hime to visit my elderly father very frequently who absolutely adores my kids & vice versa. My dc are always so excited to see their cousins who are the same age unfortunately the feeling is not mutual... My sil has never been inclusive & my brother would never even ask my husband out for a pint even though he's heading out himself. We've accepted this even though we would love to feel more welcome when I come home. I'm crying my eyes out here for my dc though.. We had a get together at home for my father's birthday at my brothers. My dc were so delighted to be spending time with their cousins. When we arrived my nieces & nephews didn't acknowledge my kids & kept playing on their screens. I could tell my dc were crushed. They sat with them anyway but mine don't have devices so we're clueless & felt awkward. Then my bro announced he was taking his dc to the town hall as something was on, my eldest piped up can I go too... My niece replied "it's only for people from Littleton" (not name of my village). The night before there was another event in the village, we were travelling down from London but I told my sil my kids would love to go with their cousins. She was very unenthusiastic, then said oh we won't be staying long & besides the dc will be with their pals... So upset at how insular they are, my dc are crushed & I feel there's a reverse snobbery towards us as we're from London. We need to come down to my village as often as we can to see my father who has a wonderful relationship with my dc but the obvious contempt their cousins have for them is heartbreaking.
I won't discuss it with sil & my bother as they have never included us when we're home.

So he eldest child is 12, you've had enough time now to realise that the cousins have no interest in playing with yours.
They don't sound like a particularly nice family and it would have been lovely if they welcomed you... but they don't so it's time to move on from here. Tbh you do all sound a bit passive at the moment, looking to the other family to include and entertain yours.
So could you try:
Instead of allowing your children to perch passively next to their cousins watching them play, organise a board game, treasure hunt or something else silly and fun that includes your dc and your dad. The cousins can put down their devices and join you if they like.
You suggest a walk, trip out or visit to the pub and invite them to join you. If not, take your dad and leave them to it.
Be proactive about planning your visit, stop waiting for the other family to entertain you then crying when they don't.
It's nice if families get on but this isn't happening here so time to make the best of what you have.

I think OP is getting a hard time - it does sound like the cousins were quite rude and should have been pulled up on it.

But I also think you need to accept that your brother's kids might not want to incorporate their cousins into their social lives every other weekend - ans that's perfectly reasonable.

Have you tried to arrange fun stuff for them all to do together? May be worth a try.

But if that fails i think you need to realise the cousins just aren't going to be friends, it's how they are and don't expect to be able to change it.

You aren’t really a guest if you are family that is there every other week.

It appears you very much stand back and watch things happen. If you wanted to go to the fundraiser, then go. You told your daughter no. You wanted her to go, only if your brother was taking responsibility for her.

Honestly, if a group of friends is together, having someone else there does change things. Especially with kids. If your brother kids were looking forward to seeing their friends, they wouldn’t have wanted to take their cousin and have to try and ensure they felt included.

On one hand you want the kids all to be friends and a super close family, then on the other hand consider yourself as guests. If my brother came over every other week and expected to be treated as a guest every time he turned up, I would tell him to grow up.

You and your kids are not clueless about devices, so no idea why you said that. It’s not lack of sleep. Lack of sleep doesn’t make you forget your kids have devices and know what they are doing with them. but I suspect you are quite judgemental about your brother and sil and their parenting. I am going to guess that is causing some of the distance.

I'm sorry that a lot of posters see your brother's behaviour as acceptable and are making excuses for his family's rude and unwelcoming behaviour. It must be upsetting. I'm not close to my SIL (we're just very different people) but l make an effort when we're all together, especially when the children are present.

I do get it op. My dd (14)dosn't want to be friends with her step cousin(13) who is desperate to be friends with her. It is a shame but dd has her own friends, has nothing in common with her and the cousin was mean to her in the past.

The parents are very hurt and told me they would have to keep them apart as they didn't want to break their girls' hearts. Whilst i get it's a shame, i do think that parents shouldn't be overly invested in kids' friendships. Hard but teach your kids resiliance and how to handle rejection.

In dds case, the more she felt the adults were forcing the relationship, the more she backed off.

But the adults sound horrid anyway in your case.

All of this. Especially the last paragraph. Because I can't understand how you said your kids don't have devices and were clueless about what the cousins were doing on theirs squares with your kids do have devices just you don't allow them them.

Either you're guests or you're not.

I would love to hear the other side of this scenario.

It sounds like you need to be more proactive and plan op. It must be absolutely pants for your 3 kids to go to your home town fortnightly and do absolutely nothing whilst they see their cousins doing fun stuff. Some people are weirdly insular. You cannot change other people’s behaviour. Only your own.

I think it's really sad that your kids have cousins the same age who live so close and yet are not encouraged to be friendly. It's heartbreaking to watch your kids be rejected.

Have you tried inviting your nieces and nephews to London for a day out/weekend? Or suggesting an activity that you can take them all together for when you visit you dad?

You will have to make the first move and see if that helps. If the kids become friends then it won't matter so much how unenthusiastic their parents are.

I’ve been there. Although I used to play with my cousins when I was very small, that died out completely by the time we were towards the end of primary school. They lived near each other and their parents were close so I suppose it was natural. The absolute final straw was at our grandfather’s funeral just a few years ago when they completely blanked me. At that point I went from being vaguely sad that we didn’t have the relationship my Mum has with her cousins to not caring (via well and truly pissed off).

In our case there were a few factors. My mother was never close to them and resented her for perceived favouritism (it stemmed from Mum passing the 11+ which they didn’t, and the fact she was slightly older so helped her parents a lot). We are very different people, and I did judge them for rarely visiting our very elderly Grandad - they couldn’t have know this though. These days we have a distant but cordial relationship with my aunts, and none with my cousins.

I don’t understand why you won’t talk to your brother about this at least. Are you and he close? Do you get on and want to spend time together ? What’s your relationship like? It seems that you think these close relationships should just happen because you are family. My experience is that, especially when you live away and don’t see each other all the time, you have to work at relationships much as you would a friendship.

Rather than your DH waiting to be asked to the pub, can he invite / take your brother? Does he want to get to know him better ?

i wasn’t close to any of my cousins, didn’t have anything in common with them. It sounds like yours are too old to just be dropped in and expect to ‘play’ with their cousins. What do you expect them to do together, if they’ve never been friends ? It certainly doesn’t get easier as there become teens in this respect.

so I guess I think you have to be a bit more assertive. Call your brother in advance of special events like the birthday, and work out together what the plan is and what you will do together.

I think you need to shake up the dynamic - instead of your kids sitting around waiting to be included, have a plan for them which they can do together with their cousins or not if their cousins don't want to join. E.g. take some board games down and your DC can include their cousins if they ask but if not they have fun without them. Or an outing which they will enjoy. Basically shake it up a bit

Is this all happening in your father’s house? Why are your nieces and nephews gaming when they’re visiting their grandfather for his birthday?

Your children sound sociable and that’s a great skill at those ages.

I’d just not factor your brother’s family in when you visit. Make your DF the focus.

Find something nice to do locally for your children, but don’t rely on your B and SIL. They sound incredibly rude. “It’s only for people from our village” What kind of arse says that to a child?

It sounds mean and rude. I feel for your kids and you.
Do your kids have other cousins?
Are their cousins close to sil's family?

It sounds like your sil and db are not keen on you or your family and that has trickled down to their's your kids.
I would find it rude if kids stayed on screens and parents didn't coaxe them off them and into a game or activity with their cousins.
I would address it with your kids and say, it's a shame they (cousins) are aren't more friendly etc so their expectations are managed and they don't feel as disappointed.
I would also try and plan activities in advance for your kids for when you're visiting so they can enjoy those things and sil and your db don't need to feel like you are piggy-backing onto their lives (since they seem so unwelcoming to you).
Ultimately you may have to accept that they just don't want the closeness that you do.
Sad, in my opinion but families are complicated.
At least they are good to your dad.

YABU. Nobody has to be friends with anyone they don’t want to, including family.

Your DC are not crushed, and even if they were, that would only be because of you.

You need to be breezy and show them nobody is obliged to be close to them and if they don’t want to be friends that’s their loss.

BTW I do feel bad for you, it’s normal to hope we keep positive warm relationships with our family.

OP

rather than “feel sad”

Focus on encouraging your children to either ignore and do own thing or confront them

but to just mope around feeling sad” is plain odd

I would have said

“What on earth are you on about?! Of course it’s not just for “people in the village”. So if we rock up…. Will there be police at the door?”

Its very peculiar how you all seem to be a little…. Spineless… in the face of pre teen silliness.

Confront and laugh it off as immature silliness and encourage your DC to do the same.

But please don’t go around “feeling so sad” about this when you can bloody do something about it!

Yabu.

They clearly are indifferent to you coming down… this could be for many reasons. Either way though they don’t want the close relationship you do and forcing yourself upon them will make it worse.

Your brother doesn’t have to invite your DH for a pint, I’m sure he knows plenty of people at his local who he prefers to hang around with then invite your OH.
I don’t invite my SIL out when I go out for drinks as although she’s my SIL she’s not an actual friend.

I don’t actually think the kids have done anything wrong either, they don’t have to be friends with your kids and they clearly want to hang around with their friends while at local village events and not have to worry about your kids.

They do sound insular, but I can’t get past crying your eyes out, because there is absolutely nothing to cry your eyes about here. There is something to shrug your shoulders over, or something you might like to try differently (like make plans your self and not expect a prodigal daughter greeting every other weekend).

You are quite off about some things, why would your brother invite your husband to the pub. You are his sibling not your husband, if he should need one on one time with anyone surely it would be you. I don’t have an opposite sex sibling so it would be like me going to visit my dad and then my sister inviting my husband out, no it would be me complaining that my sister went out without inviting my husband. Absolutely bizarre.

Do you have to visit at the same time?

From what you've posted it doesn't sound like there is anything good to make out of this situation with the cousins.

It does sound quite distressing, but an alternative view these kids are getting older, the days of putting them all in a room and leaving them to play together are over. They are old enough to be massively much more invested in school friends, social gossip etc without yet learning an adult veneer of politeness

There sound very different to your children and if there is a small village, probably a very tight social group that each child has their own niche in

Bit OTT to say to a child ‘police at the door’
The OP didn’t even know about the event so it would of just been for people in the village.

My village occasionally do events just for people in our village.

Also I’m not sure why the OP would even want to go considering they didn’t want her there. Their cousins would of just carried on ignoring them and the adults would of say with their friends leaving the OPs family out.

Do you stay with your dad? Where do your DB and SIL live in relation to your dad?

My DCs do get on with their cousins but as I have a lot of siblings and our elderly parents live with me, it is rare (like 3 a 4 times a year) that we have a completely free weekend without a sibling and their children visiting for at least an afternoon.

In these circumstances, I'm not going to push my DC to play with their cousins every time they visit. They have their own plans, their cousins visit too often to be guests and they have stuff to do - clubs, homework, meeting friends etc and they need a bit of downtime.

If you're going to visit really regularly you need to come up with things to do for yourself to keep your children entertained.

Why are your children always so excited to see their cousins if they treat them so badly all the time? Have they not figured out the cousins dont want to be their friends? They are certainly old enough to understand this, so maybe its time you explained it to them so they dont keep getting disappointed and upset