Brothers kids exclude my dc, feeling so sad for them

[Cantsleep4am]

We live in London & travel hime to visit my elderly father very frequently who absolutely adores my kids & vice versa. My dc are always so excited to see their cousins who are the same age unfortunately the feeling is not mutual... My sil has never been inclusive & my brother would never even ask my husband out for a pint even though he's heading out himself. We've accepted this even though we would love to feel more welcome when I come home. I'm crying my eyes out here for my dc though.. We had a get together at home for my father's birthday at my brothers. My dc were so delighted to be spending time with their cousins. When we arrived my nieces & nephews didn't acknowledge my kids & kept playing on their screens. I could tell my dc were crushed. They sat with them anyway but mine don't have devices so we're clueless & felt awkward. Then my bro announced he was taking his dc to the town hall as something was on, my eldest piped up can I go too... My niece replied "it's only for people from Littleton" (not name of my village). The night before there was another event in the village, we were travelling down from London but I told my sil my kids would love to go with their cousins. She was very unenthusiastic, then said oh we won't be staying long & besides the dc will be with their pals... So upset at how insular they are, my dc are crushed & I feel there's a reverse snobbery towards us as we're from London. We need to come down to my village as often as we can to see my father who has a wonderful relationship with my dc but the obvious contempt their cousins have for them is heartbreaking.
I won't discuss it with sil & my bother as they have never included us when we're home.

And perhaps acknowledge the weirdness with your children so they know they haven't done anything wrong and their cousins are being rude.

It does sound a shame that they don’t make an effort but I guess they are at the age where you can’t really force things. I’m sure this relates to the dynamic between you & your brother in some way. I do think you seem a bit dramatic in the way you’ve worded it. Also I would understand more if you had one child & they felt excluded by the three cousins but you have three children too. Can’t your children amuse themselves together?

If you’d taken devices, they probably would have bonded with their cousins over similar games. It’s how it is these day.

How do you know that? Maybe her brother is running around after his DF all week long and the OP swans in occasionally and expects royal treatment.

The OP hasn't answered any questions asking about her DF's daily needs. Perhaps her brother hasn't encouraged his children to be closer to their cousins because it will be even more work for his family being expected to take them on outings and holidays! I would love to hear the other side to this.

Understandable - it is a more than a bit odd for a grown woman with nearly teenage children to refer to her father's house as 'home' and to go there every other weekend.

Don't your children have any regular weekend activities or friends' parties op? In London, where they actually live...

Your SIL seems to do a lot of hosting and supporting for your father. If she wants to let her dc use devices while she’s busy, that’s fine. I’d expect her children to be polite and it does sound like they need more manners, but then I don’t think it was very polite of your child to ask if she could go to an event that her cousin was already going to with friends.

Let your kids have their devices

surely they want them during the car journey?

Is this rooted in your relationship with your brother? What's that like?

I can’t help but feel this has been slightly over-egged because the OP might feel more affronted than her kids actually do. I think painting three kids from London as wide-eyed and confused at their cousins being on ‘devices’ is a bit much, and just smacks a bit of a slur on your brother’s SIL’s parenting. Same goes for the ‘we travel, they stay in the village’ thing.

I mean, it’s perhaps slightly understandable, I imagine your brother and his wife snubbing you and your kids would feel a bit shit. But presumably you grew up in this area? Why do you feel such an outsider? Why not advocate for your kids more of their cousins are being rude and saying they can’t join in?

“Can we come?”
”No, it’s not for people from Littleton.”
DCs faces apparently fall like Victorian street urchins gazing through a sweet shop window.
”I am from Littleton, niece. So we’ll come along.”

🤷‍♀️

Sorry OP, but my daughter doesn't like her three cousins. I kept trying to force her to be friends with them (they are all also almost the same age - my daughter is 12 and her cousins are 13 and 11). She finds it boring and tedious to spend time with them, as she has her own friends and interests. It's always very awkward as her cousins are super excited to see her, but she barely forces herself to acknowledge them.

it is a more than a bit odd for a grown woman with nearly teenage children to refer to her father's house as 'home' and to go there every other weekend.

It isn't. Until my mum died I always referred to going home to visit my mum in London even though I had been living in Leeds for many years. Most people do this.

DD lives in Newcastle so she describes it as going home when she has been visiting us and going back there, and going home when she is coming to visit us from Newcastle. In effect two homes.

Just because you did it doesn't make it not weird, sorry.

I also asked and would still like to know (from op) if her children (and she and her husband) really have not built any life at all in London, to the extent that they can be away one weekend in two without it causing issues. My children (and I) would miss loads of regular activities, parties, events etc. If we did that.

It's all very strange.

This.

I was never close to cousins. You can't and shouldn't force that relationship. Time

Time to manage expectations for both you and your children.

Cousins dont have to be close... especially if they barely know each other.

Also why dont your kids have 'devices'?

At 12 (hell even 9) its really strange to be confunsed and not know how consoles, phones or handheld game work, no wonder they struggling to fit in if they are not up with what is now the very basics of childhood games.

Have you ever invited them up to see you in London?

I have inferred that op could be coming across as judgy and prodigal child to the inlaws...
'We come to see DF and he loves it' so are you coming as visitors who don't actually help out in the caring role?
we love to travel and go on holidays throughout the year. They rarely leave the village other than daytrips.
is this because they can't because of their caring role?

It's not just the OP and PP though. It's very common for people who have moved from other countries or part of the country to refer to the place they were raised as home.

My parents moved from Ireland and lived in London for 50 years, they always referred to Ireland as home when talking about it.
When in Ireland they also called London home.

OP, do you think the relationship might change if you said to them: "Hey family, why don't you go away for a week and we will come and stay with father, do the caring, so you can have a break?" I'd get they might be less favourably disposed if they are the carers while you get to just visit then get on with life, holidays, etc.

I think they have something of a small town mentality, sorry OP and sorry to anyone who lives in a small town! The fact that they rarely leave the village and your niece said that the event was only for people from the village, they sound a bit parochial. I think they see you as outsiders. You should have just said you’d take your DD to the event. There might also be some resentment that day to day they are helping your dad out and they maybe see you as swooping in every other weekend for the fun stuff.

How far away is your dad? I’m not sure this sort of arrangement is sustainable long term, going every fortnight is a lot. My elderly mum lives 3 hours away and when the kids were growing up we’d see her every month but some of those times she and my dad would come to us. Now she doesn’t travel and I see here more frequently, most of the times I go on my own. I’m not sure it’s fair on your kids to be taking them from their home every other weekend, it will be hard for them to establish activités and a social life at home.

It’s tough OP, I get that. I love going to my mum’s and seeing my cousins up there. I wish I could have 2 lives, but it’s difficult to sustain living them simultaneously!

I’m finding this odd too. Taking 6 kids is different to taking 3. Nit many would be up for that. And you did say your kids were clueless, I also have no idea why your kids are getting so completely excited at those ages when it’s always been like this.

I am sorry but this is coming from the parents who are enabling the kids. My sister and I between us have 3 x 16 year olds / but ever since they were little we have encouraged them to interact with our other sisters children who are anywhere from 6 to 10 years younger than them. Just a couple of hours here and there.
I think what you have is an issue with their parents that you don’t know about. You sound very close to your dad - and chance your brother feels like he favours you? Ie you’d brother lives in the village with him and does he due more daily boring stuff for your dad while you are coming every two weeks and your dad might be talking about how wonderful you and your kids are? Just a thought.

They don't sound very nice. Why are you still making an effort with them? Just be polite but otherwise plan to do your own thing - both you and the kids. And manage your kids' expectations of their cousins so they're not upset - tell them their cousins aren't friendly and prefer to play by themselves so you'll plan some separate trips for your DC while staying at your father's. And let them have devices. Also, you don't need your brothers/SIL's permission to do 'local' things - just ignore them and do as you please.

Thanks we're not an anti tech family at all. Dad's birthday tea was at my brothers, when we arrived with dad the kids just ignored us all.. It was beyond rude. We have asked them to London on many occasions but they don't travel. Their friends in the village are carefully chosen & would be similarly wealthy to them. In the past their dc have made comments about certain children in the village who they don't like & won't play with.. Sil or bro would chip in with a bitchy comment about the family.. Not nice.. Sil also from the village... We all grew up together.
I am going to toughen up, still here, bringing the kids to the lake in a bit for a walk & then we're bringing dad out for Sunday lunch. Thanks for all the replies, I'm taking everything on board & getting our plan in action for Christmas.

You can’t expect host mode on a regular basis from a family with three kids and a caring role for an elderly parent. That would only be reasonable once or twice a year max even if you were really close. It sounds like your brother’s family are trying to make it clear that your constant visits are annoying to them. If you want to be included, move there and muck in. It must be really disruptive/limiting to your children’s social lives in London too.