Brothers kids exclude my dc, feeling so sad for them

[Cantsleep4am]

We live in London & travel hime to visit my elderly father very frequently who absolutely adores my kids & vice versa. My dc are always so excited to see their cousins who are the same age unfortunately the feeling is not mutual... My sil has never been inclusive & my brother would never even ask my husband out for a pint even though he's heading out himself. We've accepted this even though we would love to feel more welcome when I come home. I'm crying my eyes out here for my dc though.. We had a get together at home for my father's birthday at my brothers. My dc were so delighted to be spending time with their cousins. When we arrived my nieces & nephews didn't acknowledge my kids & kept playing on their screens. I could tell my dc were crushed. They sat with them anyway but mine don't have devices so we're clueless & felt awkward. Then my bro announced he was taking his dc to the town hall as something was on, my eldest piped up can I go too... My niece replied "it's only for people from Littleton" (not name of my village). The night before there was another event in the village, we were travelling down from London but I told my sil my kids would love to go with their cousins. She was very unenthusiastic, then said oh we won't be staying long & besides the dc will be with their pals... So upset at how insular they are, my dc are crushed & I feel there's a reverse snobbery towards us as we're from London. We need to come down to my village as often as we can to see my father who has a wonderful relationship with my dc but the obvious contempt their cousins have for them is heartbreaking.
I won't discuss it with sil & my bother as they have never included us when we're home.

Thanks we're not an anti tech family at all.

well you’re quite keen on religiously updating internet chat forums OP! 😂

Yes we’ve gone from him needing a lot of help provided by SIL and Brother to being a 75 year old man in fine fettle

So if you father

shops for himself and enjoys buying from independent traders

drives

walks the dogs across fields daily

Does lots around his home

has no financial worries

Why exactly does your SIL and BIl do “an awful lot for him” and your DH does all the maintenance jobs in the house? And he also doesn’t ever want to come to you it would seem

it really is baffling!

@Gumreduction

Also why would op need to go home so they could have a holiday. Does she mean take over her dads care or look after there children 🤷‍♀️

It’s all unravelling isn’t it?

It's really not.

Do you have elderly parents? I'm in OP's brother's shoes, I live a short walk from my widowed mum's house and whilst she doesn't need me to provide physical care, she does need a lot of company.

It's weird that the concept of OP wanting to spend time with her elderly dad is so suspicious.

Your mother drives?
Lives alone in a large home?
Walks dogs across fields every day?
Financially independent?
Buys all own groceries and cooks for himself?

No suspicion whatsoever to wanting to spend time with her.
Its the detail around her OP which doesn’t make sense.

why would her bro and Sil do an “awful lot of him” and need to “have a holiday” from caring for him? Why would the OP’s DH need to do all the maintenance around the home? Why would he never be able to visit the Op?

If you won't discuss this with your brother I'm afraid you are being unreasonable.

I think you are completely validated. It's shit when families are cold towards each-other.

I have learnt a lot from marrying into a Afghan family and despite not everything is rosy. One thing I admire is the complete respect and togetherness, the families must show towards each other and done right, is beautiful.

I don't think it's a hard ask for your brothers family to At least look happy to see you and your children and perhaps do a nice activity.

My brother is the same. I moved away. I've tried for years and years. Most often I get ignored. We recently moved here and My husband has moved away from his home town (London) he knows nobody here. And not one of my relatives have tried to make him feel welcome.

It's actually shone light on how cold I was to my SIL (Dh sister) and her expectations since it's happened to me. Luckily her kids and mine adore each other and that keeps our relationship alive.

Yanbu but it's not worth the heartache and feeling of being rejected.

Have you asked them what the problem is?

Op, ignore the twats.
I understand. I think you're right that there's not much you can do - though I'd try and push DH into saying 'fancy a drink, BIL' to see if he squirms or maybe mellows. What I would do, though, is acknowledge the kids feelings and validate them. Tell them that their cousins are being twats (well maybe not but you know) and that some people just have different ideas of how to treat others but that with a bit of luck they'll grow out of it. Be on their side, and don't push them to interact too much with the cousins or they'll get used to a dynamic where others treat them badly and you go back for more punishment.

They don't sound like very nice people tbh. Whilst u can't force a relationship, it's poor form that they don't have basic manners for their own blood.

I don't know why others are concentrating on grammar and dissecting every tiny little thing you write. So weird.🙄
I agree with you. It doesn't matter if you see them twice a month or twice a week, they should still be polite. It's so rude to ignore people. I think you sound lovely OP and your dad sounds like a perfect grandad. I would just concentrate on seeing him, he sounds like a treasure.

A ridiculous number of people haven't actually read OP's posts. It seems like they've skimmed then and then made up their own versions.

As an adult, if I was excited to see someone that I was visiting, and they didn't even return my hello, then yes, I'd be crestfallen too, particularly if they continued to ignore me for the whole visit.
I'm sure that any MNer who had that happen to them would be posting on AIBU about it too.

But apparently the kids and their mum were totally unreasonable to expect a hello from from the cousins.
This thread is madness.

I don't think that it is too much to expect a hello. But when you are "visiting" the house next door 30+ times a year I don't think you can expect a full blown host/guest dynamic and expect to be entertained.

OPs posts make it clear that the issue is not really that they did not even get a polite 'hello'. She clearly hoped for, maybe expected, more than that. I completely agree that it is rude for anyone not to say 'hello' and I'm not sure anyone has defended that being lacking.

OP said initially that the cousins 'didn't acknowledge' her kids and then goes on to give examples of how she had hoped that would happy. I think she wanted them to be 'acknowledged' by playing/ talking/ doing something together. It is that part which people believe is unreasonable - fine to hope for. Not fine to feel disgruntled when it doesn't happen.

It's a bit different as an adult of course in that I don't tip up at the houses of people I hope to be friends with and fee upset if they don't then invite me to accompany them and their friends wherever they're going. It's awkward for children in these situations. Just because they are the same age does not mean it is any more engaging for them to entertain their cousins than it is for anyone else but the weight of expectation is on them.

That's not the case here though - OP and her DC are visiting her father primarily, not the cousins. The cousins just happen to be there at the same time.

This is more akin to you visiting a friend and being annoyed that their teenage child didn't interact with you.

Saying hello would be basic politeness (and I agree it's poor if the cousins are not even managing that) but that's not what OP is talking about.

I thought they were invited to her brothers house for a celebration for her father's birthday. The brother, his wife and kids were the hosts so of course it was extremely rude to ignore some of the guests.