Brothers kids exclude my dc, feeling so sad for them

[Cantsleep4am]

We live in London & travel hime to visit my elderly father very frequently who absolutely adores my kids & vice versa. My dc are always so excited to see their cousins who are the same age unfortunately the feeling is not mutual... My sil has never been inclusive & my brother would never even ask my husband out for a pint even though he's heading out himself. We've accepted this even though we would love to feel more welcome when I come home. I'm crying my eyes out here for my dc though.. We had a get together at home for my father's birthday at my brothers. My dc were so delighted to be spending time with their cousins. When we arrived my nieces & nephews didn't acknowledge my kids & kept playing on their screens. I could tell my dc were crushed. They sat with them anyway but mine don't have devices so we're clueless & felt awkward. Then my bro announced he was taking his dc to the town hall as something was on, my eldest piped up can I go too... My niece replied "it's only for people from Littleton" (not name of my village). The night before there was another event in the village, we were travelling down from London but I told my sil my kids would love to go with their cousins. She was very unenthusiastic, then said oh we won't be staying long & besides the dc will be with their pals... So upset at how insular they are, my dc are crushed & I feel there's a reverse snobbery towards us as we're from London. We need to come down to my village as often as we can to see my father who has a wonderful relationship with my dc but the obvious contempt their cousins have for them is heartbreaking.
I won't discuss it with sil & my bother as they have never included us when we're home.

Your brother's family are not friendly towards yours for whatever reason. This is a shame but thats life and their choice, so I'd take it on the chin and encourage your DC to do the same.

Dont cry ,there is nothing to be gained . Focus on visiting your Dad and get on with doing things with him, leave the cousins, brother and SIL out of the equation if its causing you misery.

She said: We're home at least twice a month & stay longer in the half terms /holidays

which is a lot! So if the brother's family is at best indifferent to OP's, then I get why her bro wouldn't want to start taking her DH for a pint because then that door's opened and hard to close. It's their and their DCs everyday lives and friends and they're keeping some boundaries on it. Maybe it would be different if it was a genuine guest/visit situation and more rare/special, but if they're there twice a month, what on earth would the cousins be excited to see them?

I'm not saying it's great behaviour, but OP seems in a hinterland between guest and regular fixture, perhaps wants the best of both world - the London life and the smalltown family/community connectedness - and needs to reset her expectations instead of crying her eyes out. It sounds like the father gets the most out of the visits and that's who she's really visiting, so see the brother and cousins dynamic for what it is. People who you wouldn't be friends with if you weren't related. Civil and minimal contact tends to be best for those, and infinitely preferable than pushing for excitement and ending up with antagonism.

I also agree that kids bond over devices and gaming these days. The expectation they'd put their phones down and sit and chat or go out and mix friendship groups with cousins who are there so often but aren't especially their friends is unrealistic. Take your kids to local events if you want them to go there. Your brother's family have let you know loud and clear they're not your hosts or your friends so your DCs are better off playing together, with or without devices.

This is what the OP said

We're home at least twice a month & stay longer in the half terms /holidays

In the op she says 'We live in London & travel hime to visit my elderly father very frequently' so 'home' is her dad's place.

This. During lock down, my extended family struggled to find basic food supplies on and off. Every one of their local locations had a Facebook group. Which published events and discussed local things going on. I joined and people would post which restaurants were delivering. I stayed on because of the fascinating and informative local chat.

Yes that’s a shame. Your brother’s kids aren’t being encouraged to be friendly, inclusive, welcoming…or even polite. What a bunch of rude, miserable sods.

I feel sorry for your lot too.

Do you and your DB/DSIL get on? If not then the DC will be taking their cues from the adults behaviour.

If you get on with DB/DSIL then why can't you mention the issue? If the cousins are rude I would tell my kids not to bother with them. Your kids have each other so it's not the end of the world.

So she's only in her own home twice a month?
😆

Where the fuck did this come from? Asides your own imagination of course.

Just let them take their devices, they are not the work of the devil and it might help them fit in!
Even if they have nothing in common most kids can bond over a game or two of Minecraft etc.

Yes, I see now where I misunderstood. “Home” to me meant her own home in London, not her father’s home.

They sound rude, insular and unfriendly. And like some mumsnetters I read about who like to have a cap on the number of friends they have. The children don't have to be friends but they could at least make an effort to be civil.

What kind of behaviour are the adults modelling to the children?

They are going to grow up thinking that it is OK to blank people.

@pictish 'I feel there's a reverse snobbery towards us as we're from London.'

Then OP mentions later that the other family are well off in their own right, just not living in London. I've met quite a few London bores. It wouldn't surprise me, based on what OP has said, if this may be adding to the tension.

Why are they always there when you go to visit your father? I understand it for the birthday celebration, but generally.

Generally speaking, I'm of the opinion that devices should be put away when guests arrive. I teach my children that they should greet and interact, as to not do so is beyond rude. I do know there are plenty of households where no such rule exists. Sounds like your bro's house is one of them. It's okay to be sad. Might be best to work on acceptance though, as it sounds like it won't change.

I'm generally anti-device with visitors but, given the situation, I'd let them bring them. They may bond over games.

If someone came to visit me and their kids plonked themselves down with devices, I'd give up and allow my kids to do the same or wander off.

Does your father favour your children over your DB’s children? . You say your DC and DF really get on and delight in each other’s company. But it seems that the cousins just sit on their devices. Maybe that’s where the resentment is coming from if your DF treats them differently.
Or maybe your DF simply looks forward to your family coming but takes his son’s family for granted because they live in the same village and are there more often helping him.
Or maybe your DB and SIL are resentful because they have the drudgery of caring and the responsibility weighs heavily on them, while you all swan in every other weekend from your glamorous London life (as they see it) looking for a lovely social family time.
It can weigh heavily on a family being largely responsible for an elderly parent/grandparent especially if the sibling doesn’t quite understand the implications of how it limits their family life.
Could you suggest they have the entire weekend off on the weekends you plan to visit. Give them plenty of notice of your schedule so that they can plan their own holiday time once a year. Or suggest they all go to your London house for the weekend with an interesting plan of things they could do and nice food ready in the fridge.

OP goes to her " home" village every other weekend, when not working. That's quite a commitment. What isn't clear, OP, is in what capacity you are visiting - ie are you being helpful, or creating extra work for your brother and his DW? Is SIL expected by DF to shop, change beds/do laundry, as a result of your visit? How much care does DF need? I can't understand, other than the party, why they come round when you are there, if they aren't interested in you? Is there obvious favouritism from your DF? Does your DF insist they come to greet you? We need more information. Are you going to drip feed DF lives with them?

Not bringing devices sounds a bit holier than thou, kids can bond over games, once there’s a bond they might be happier to spend time together doing something else. The 12 year olds could possibly build up a relationship over social media inbetween visits, isn’t that how most kids do now? I’m an older mum, and was wary on too much screen time but can agree there is a time and a place, at home DC and their friends use, out to dinner then I don’t expect to see them - happy medium.

Your kids are well rounded, polite and inclusive

they’ve been taught to be that way.

your brother and his wife haven’t taught their kids to be polite and actually themselves sound really rude and cold.

exclude them the next time you go to see your dad and perhaps even tell your db that they dont need to come over and see you all when you’re up as neither they or their kids seem bothered about being social.

Fuck it if they are offended. They don’t care about your feelings, why bother with theirs

That's a bit of projection going on there. I don't think the OP does. We don't live near any family, and when the children were younger and we used to have regular get togethers we never had this problem. DD isn't close to her cousins on DH's side but they always made an effort.

DD is closer to her cousins on my side because we used to regularly stay with them in their house so she actually spent more time with them. One of the cousins was on tour with her work recently and contacted DD to meet up, which I thought was lovely.

Tbh your brother and his family
sound awful so I think no great loss. Do your own thing when you visit your dad, and try to avoid them. Find put what's on locally and make your own plans.

It's sad and hurtful how your family are behaving. If you're not going to address it with them then you'll have to just stop putting your children in this awkward position.

*Your kids are well rounded, polite and inclusive

they’ve been taught to be that way.

your brother and his wife haven’t taught their kids to be polite and actually themselves sound really rude and cold.*

To be fair, OP's kids aren't being visited by their cousins and aunt/uncle every two weeks and longer in the hols. OP's kids aren't needing to host or include anyone. They're perma-guests and it's doubtless lost its shine.