To think we've lost something by not having a standard funeral outfit

[Sleeptightnightlight]

So, this is musing really. Over the last couple of years I've been to a few funerals and at all there has been the request for no black/dark colours. (Several specifically asking for bright colours etc).

I'm not in any way criticising the individual choices of the bereaved people (frankly if they'd asked me to turn up in a gimp suit and tutu I would have if I thought it would help them through the day). I absolutely think people should choose whatever dress code they want.

But I can't help wondering if this move to colour/'normal clothes' means we lose something in terms of other people recognising people who are in mourning.

For example I remember being at a service station barely holding it together and it occured to me that being dressed in what was basically festival garb no one serving me etc had any idea we were on the way to a funeral.

I think in the past people would wear a black armband on their suit so everyone would know and perhaps that person would be treated more kindly/gently?

AIBU to think having recognizable 'mourning clothes' had a social function that we have lost/are losing? Maybe on a society level we need some new sign that someone has suffered a loss?

Agreed.

I find it insufferable all this "celebrate life" and wear bright colours to funerals. It's cringeworthy. We ought to have dignity in mourning.

I agree. When my son died I couldn't cope with the fact that the world kept going. I would have liked to have worn morning clothes and kept the curtains closed just for a while, just so the world could see how I was silently screaming and failing to cope whilst putting on a calm face. I think morning has become more hidden without formalities

💐@SunsetandCupcakes

I don’t care about dignity but a funeral is part of the mourning process, the person has gone and it’s right to feel sad (even if they were 96).

I think memorial services are the time to celebrate the person’s life, 6 months or a year later.

I agree op. I wear whatever the family asks for but I do think there are benefits to wearing full black to a funeral.

@SunsetandCupcakes

I am so sorry

Agreed. When my husband died, his aunt showed up to the funeral in a purple fleece. I thought is was incredibly disrespectful.

Different obviously if the family ask for bright colours etc as a celebration of life.

Agree 100%. We 'do' grief really badly in the UK. I honestly think if there was an expectation of wailing and gnashing of teeth and displaying our sadness publicly we would all feel a lot better. Stiff upper lip in behaviour amd clothes is unhelpful.

YANBU; I always wear smart black clothes to funerals (unless specially requested to wear colours, but that’s not happened yet).

I think we’re losing a lot as a society by becoming more informal in every sense. No sense of occasion anymore, formality, what’s appropriate behaviour in different situations (all those people holding phones up in the King’s face when the Queen died!) - it’s just a mess.

I’m not sure there’s any solution, but I don’t think our very relaxed society now is that good really.

I’m not a fan of colours at funerals (but I do whatever is requested by the family), but I don’t think that people in a service station would treat you any differently just because you were wearing black. Loads of people wear black on a regular basis, so while it is suitable for funerals, I wouldn’t presume everyone dressed in black was in mourning.

I hate the idea of arm bands, seems highly inappropriate.

I don't ever wear bright colours so I always struggle a bit with that. Prefer to wear subdued colours and be more sombre. Not mad on 'celebrating life' as a concept at the funeral as I quite like to be sad at them. Remembering their life seems easier. I don't really mind what others do but I've seen people struggle to remember funny anecdotes or become overwhelmed with sobbing and then feel bad, I prefer the acceptance that it is usually a sad event from the outset.

@SunsetandCupcakes I’m so very sorry for your loss.

When my DUncle died my DAunt kept the blinds of the house pulled closed until after the funeral; I thought that was the right thing to do.

Agree. It’s been 27 years since my mum died and I was only 23, but I’ve never forgotten one of her “friends” (whose kids she walked home from school most days) who turned up at the funeral in a pair of faded jeans and a coatigan. Nowadays I ignore her on the street.

My Grandad died recently & quite a few people asked what to wear - my Granny responded with what you would usually wear to a funeral - dark suits and outfits. Not necessarily black but dark colours. She not someone who isnt overly traditional but for a funeral she is!

When we recently lost a friends father, dark outfits - but they did ask for a nod to his favourite football team colour so a lot of the men had blue ties and blue scarfs worn by the women.

If someone wants bright colours at a funeral I buy from charity shops and donate back afterwards as I feel too sad to wear the garments again that’s where wearing black helped me. Also as has been said if you are seen in black then others are more inclined to b3 aware it’s probably not a good time to be all jolly round you in case.

Surely it doesn’t matter what anyone wears to a funeral? It’s the paying of respects that’s more important rather than what the person wears.

I do tend to wear black but my grans favourite colour was green and my mum, aunt and I wore that colour of top or coat as a mark of respect.

I agreed completely. Funerals are to help the living with the process of mourning. All this wear bright colours, celebrate life is a little too "toxic positivity" to me. It's sad. People will be sad. Someone they love has died. Pretending it should be a happy event is a bit gaslighty and invalidating of people's negative emotions. There's nothing wrong with feeling sad. Why are we trying to "happy" it away.

It seems I did DH's funeral all wrong.

Totally agree.

I find wearing non black clothing, especially if it wasn’t requested by the deceased before they passed, incredibly disrespectful.

Glad you said it OP. I always wear black to a funeral. Even if the request is to wear bright colours or a favourite colour of the deceased. I will always have black on in some form.

Also I've been to a good few funerals in my 41 years (unfortunately) and one thing that really grinds my gears is people literally look as if they are going to Tesco and not to a funeral.

For my funeral I will insist that there is smart dress, black with a touch of pink (my favourite colour) and no jeans or trainers lol

I'm really sorry but you don't get to choose how people mourn. Black, yellow, purple, green. It's just a colour. No more or less disrespectful. It's how you feel about the person inside.

OP I couldn't agree more. When my fiance was killed in an accident I wanted to wear something so that other people would know I was in a state. Then I remembered about Mourning clothes and the purpose of them.
As for funerals, the ones I have been to lately are still traditional dress, but these are Christian funerals in church.

I suppose we all mourn in different ways. I would rather not have the pity and for people to just carry on as normal around me.

On a side note people still wouldn't know you were attending a funeral or mourning. You could be going to court or a job interview for all they know.

Not all cultures wear black to funerals. Also, not everyone subscribes to the belief that anything that isn't black is disrespectful. I'm not saying one should go to the extreme and wear a bright red swimsuit; I'm just saying that this so-called "tradition" should apply to everyone. It's easy to believe as much in your own bubble, but there's a world outside of it.

That's what Jewish funerals do well in my opinion. You have a
code to follow, it is sorted very quickly, and the mourning rituals are known and adhered to, you don't have to think about what to do next. I found the ritual around grief very helpful when I lost my father, and I'm not even religious. These codes, religious or not, exist for a reason sadly