To think we've lost something by not having a standard funeral outfit

[Sleeptightnightlight]

So, this is musing really. Over the last couple of years I've been to a few funerals and at all there has been the request for no black/dark colours. (Several specifically asking for bright colours etc).

I'm not in any way criticising the individual choices of the bereaved people (frankly if they'd asked me to turn up in a gimp suit and tutu I would have if I thought it would help them through the day). I absolutely think people should choose whatever dress code they want.

But I can't help wondering if this move to colour/'normal clothes' means we lose something in terms of other people recognising people who are in mourning.

For example I remember being at a service station barely holding it together and it occured to me that being dressed in what was basically festival garb no one serving me etc had any idea we were on the way to a funeral.

I think in the past people would wear a black armband on their suit so everyone would know and perhaps that person would be treated more kindly/gently?

AIBU to think having recognizable 'mourning clothes' had a social function that we have lost/are losing? Maybe on a society level we need some new sign that someone has suffered a loss?

*should not apply

I would always follow the bereaved family's dress code requests without quibbling, but I'm relieved that none of my nearest and dearest had a "jolly bright colours" funeral - having to lay out a bright outfit when you're desperately sad and just want to cry is not something I'd fancy. Weeping messily in my best...yellow? If I can avoid it without upsetting anyone, yes I'd like to.

If yellow were someone's culturally normal mourning colour, though, I'd be OK with it! So I guess it's about matching the semantics to the emotional mood, rather than the absolute RGB values.

I'm really sorry but you don't get to choose how people mourn. Black, yellow, purple, green. It's just a colour. No more or less disrespectful. It's how you feel about the person inside.

I agree. I dislike black at funerals and I don't care what people wear. I'm just grateful that they attend. As much as I don't like black, I've only told people that it isn't necessary but I wouldn't ask them not to wear it.

As for it being a celebration, why not? Obviously it depends on the circumstances but we've lost a lot of relatives at a young age in my family and even then as devastated as we were, we enjoyed sharing stories about them including funny ones. It was cathartic. I've no interest in holding memorial services later but that doesn't mean that I think others are wrong to do so.

I don't understand this need that some people have to tell everyone that they aren't mourning "correctly"

Well dh wanted his football team colours at his funeral and that’s what he got.

it wasn’t compulsory but most people did wear the colours and I’m bloody glad because it brought us all together, his friends, family and it helped us as a family to grieve.

when my father in law died we all wore black because that’s what mil wanted and it was fitting.

its so condescending telling people how they should grieve and what they should wear by people who are not in that persons situation.

thank god dhs funeral wasn’t all black and depressing, me and the kids and his family couldn’t have stood that

dont tell what we should and should have done/wore/mourned etc.

I think it’s just a fashion. People think they’re being original and different. Once it becomes the norm, which it’s on the way to being, people will think they’re being radical by wearing black, and that’ll come back into fashion.

I always wear black . I just wouldn't feel right any other way.

You really think people at a funeral are attempting to look original and different because they're not wearing black?

I see where you are coming from but I also disagree.

I had to bury DSIS in the height of covid. She in her 30s. It was shit enough without having to face a miserable sea of sad faces in black. She insisted on no black. DN wore his PJs.

I also agree that wearing all black doesn't equal funeral. 90% of the people I work with wear head to toe black when they go to court.

When my grandparents passed. R of them I wore black to all. I didn't have black outfits for the kids bit the boys wore a suit and the girls a smart dress. But our family prefer mourning clothes to colour. It was easier to then take it off when I got home and that was it. They are for being sad in. I wouldn't wear them every day. So after the funeral I can take them off and feel a little lighter if that makes sense?

Wanting to be original and different at dhs funeral !!

really!!

I was too busy grieving, coping with 4 bereaved kids, the knowledge id only been married 8 days and sorting out the funeral.

being original and different was the last bloody thing on my mind

insensitive much

I come from a family that can't afford to have occassion wear, so funerals and weddings alike are usually just one's best clothes. That still feels respectful to me in that climate, but i do wear black to family funerals, i do though keep it casual so as not to stand out. I haven't been to a funeral where I've been asked to meet a dress code, but if i was asked to wear something that didn't fit how i felt then i wouldn't. As a mourner you've got to be able to Mourne in a way that feels right to you too, and i would feel preoccupied by my clothing choice if i couldn't just wear a plain or simple black outfit.

I like the idea of wearing a black armband for at least a month to show you are grieving. Not saying in any way grieving is over in a month .

90% of my clothes are black.
I usually wear black or navy to funerals but I could care less what anyone else wears.
I have absolutely no recollection what anyone wore to my dads funeral, I was too focused on the service and consoling my mum and sister.

I think you are all weird. I'm not in the UK and people wear whatever they want when attending funerals here. That doesn't make it disrespectful. As for the poster who ignores one of her DM's friends because she went to her funeral in faded jeans and a coatigan - well, that says a lot more about you than her. I find the UK gloomy doomy wearing black and looking solemn so out of touch with real life tbh.

I do find UK funerals awkward, but it’s not really because of the dress code (although I do think it can be a nice way to show respect for the deceased).

I struggle with the repressed emotions. The bereaved aren’t really allowed to weep freely and openly, unless they’re young children. And these days, it seems that the close relatives of the deceased are often expected to speak at the service. Then you have the ghastly receiving line as people leave - in which the bereaved relatives are expected to greet everyone in turn, thank them for coming and listen to awkward platitudes.

I hear where you're coming from OP, but I can't say I noticed what anyone was wearing at my dad's funeral. I was just glad of the support and pleased that people cared enough to turn up.

Just as an aside, when my sister died suddenly many years ago at 27, I only noticed one person's outfit at the funeral. DSis used to have a bit of a giggle about a colleague in her office who always wore gold pumps and a matching handbag to work every day. So when I saw someone wearing these to her funeral, I knew immediately who she was and had a little laugh to myself, thinking 'Ah, that must be Angela' (not her real name!) It was a lighthearted moment in a truly difficult day.

@onlythreenow

Agree 100%

@blackheartsgirl

So sorry for your loss and the insensitive posts by some on here

It looks smart and respectful when people wear black! I think it looks tacky when people want you to wear bright colours, especially football shirts! Absolutely hideous.

Surely it's about what the bereaved family want, it's that simple. To me, wearing what they request is respectful.

You really think people at a funeral are attempting to look original and different because they're not wearing black

Not ‘look’, but ‘be’. It’s a sort of rebellious instinct, raging against the dying of the light. And not the attendees, the bereaved.

It’s not just the clothes, it’s the ceremony, memorial markers, everything. People react against the traditional norms because for them their loved one’s death is exceptional and they want the funeral to be exceptional.

So once ‘celebrations of life’, colourful clothes, pop songs, helium balloons on the grave etc become the norm, as they pretty much are now, there’ll be a turn, and it’ll be back to something more sombre.

This sounds like wild speculation. Where are you basing these thoughts upon?

For centuries, mourning colours were worn for weeks.

The first weeks/months after a loved one dies can be horrific. Often you feel quite fragile and sadly these days people often don't stop to consider what someone may have going on behind the scenes. It can be difficult to talk about it as well. So having an armband/funeral outfit that people could wear to let others know that they need some sensitivity/compassion shown to them without the need to say it out loud would be useful.

The day of the funeral is a drop in the ocean of grief. Signaling it to others on the day doesn’t change the fact that it’s weeks/months/years later that you’re on the floor with grief.

i find it very strange to read people noticing what anyone wore to their loved one’s funeral. Totally at odds with my own experiences of grief.

@bloodywhitecat I'm sure you did whatever was right for your family. I'm sorry for your loss.

It's not a recent thing, wearing colours etc. We did at my Dad's funeral over 15years ago.

I agree that funerals are in some ways for the living, but in particular, you really think people aren't wearing black at a funeral for attention?