To think we've lost something by not having a standard funeral outfit

[Sleeptightnightlight]

So, this is musing really. Over the last couple of years I've been to a few funerals and at all there has been the request for no black/dark colours. (Several specifically asking for bright colours etc).

I'm not in any way criticising the individual choices of the bereaved people (frankly if they'd asked me to turn up in a gimp suit and tutu I would have if I thought it would help them through the day). I absolutely think people should choose whatever dress code they want.

But I can't help wondering if this move to colour/'normal clothes' means we lose something in terms of other people recognising people who are in mourning.

For example I remember being at a service station barely holding it together and it occured to me that being dressed in what was basically festival garb no one serving me etc had any idea we were on the way to a funeral.

I think in the past people would wear a black armband on their suit so everyone would know and perhaps that person would be treated more kindly/gently?

AIBU to think having recognizable 'mourning clothes' had a social function that we have lost/are losing? Maybe on a society level we need some new sign that someone has suffered a loss?

Some of you are neglecting to acknowledge that not every culture wears black to a funeral. Are those cultures wrong?

Seems like another "I like doing things one way and the people who don't like to are WRONG" thread.

I'd obviously wear whatever people wanted me to wear but I don't understand why it's more respectful to wear dark colors than brighter colors. Surely what matters is that they are coming to a funeral to support other that are morning and because they are sad themselves.

That's what matters. Some traditions are odd.

"This is the way we've always done things even though the reason is uncertain"

Looks I did dhs funeral wrong too

most of us wore football shirts and colours because that’s what dh wanted. Considering it was one of his last wishes I wasn’t disagreeing. We made clear it wasn’t compulsory

tacky ffs.

Oh please don't feel this @bloodywhitecat , I know from your posts that your DH death was recent and you are raw . When he was ill and you -and he- knew he was dying I'm hazarding a guess that you discussed things like what dress code you wanted to follow . If so , you went with his wishes ?

My Dad's funeral we all wore black , except my Dad who was in his good church suit.
I got a black dress from M&S for £15 , I;m sure my Dad would have applauded my sale bargain.
And he'd have probably asked to be buried in his pyjamas and let his good suit go to Oxfam if he'd been able to .
Nope , you ain't going to your Maker in your PJs , Dad !

Completely seriously, I wish we had some kind of rule where we could wear black for X amount of time or something to signify mourning.

I went through a bereavement and the agony of happy go lucky colleagues always asking how I am was agonising.

I don't really care what anyone else does and I would always respect the wishes of the family etc and not give it much thought.

But I have to say wearing black gives me comfort somehow when grieving - like a way to physically acknowledge and display my grief.

At my own funeral, I'd certainly want it all to be traditional and somber. If I've died, you all bloody well better be sad!

I wear a black dress, black tights, black pumps/heels, and a black coat to funerals. Tbh I wear black nearly every day anyway!

The colour doesn't bother me as much as the casualness. I went to a funeral last month and someone was in tracksuit bottoms. In fact, lots of people were casually dressed.

Quite obviously the OP is talking about what is, or was, the norm for white British culture. No offence intended here that I can see.
Funnily enough, I went to a funeral this week where the family and most of the guests wore mainly black, but one elderly neighbour wore a bright pink jumper that seemed to me a rather odd choice.

Re-read the OP. Didn't see anything "obvious" of white British custom.

Thrilled to hear my mum's funeral was tacky, cringeworthy and an attempt to be trendy, rather than the best way for us to get through one of the worst day of our lives.
We wanted it to be a celebration of her life and people wearing joyful outfits was a part of that. We didn't discuss funeral plans before she died but I know she would have been so pleased with the send off we gave her.

I was at my own mums funeral a few weeks ago. She specified no black but of course people did. Wear what you want. Grief and loss come in many different colours. If you take time out of your life to attend a funeral (many don't) then that's good enough for me. This thread is an eye opener. Do you judge me? My kids? Because we didn't wear black? Are we not mourning enough for you? Fuck off

Thanks for starting this debate OP.
A black armband is a good idea. , I’d never thought of that.

Nothing to do with British custom. Dates back to the Roman Empire.

Why do we wear black to funerals?

I didn't care what other people wore to my husband's funeral and there was no dress code. I don't care about that, what I didn't want to do was have a celebration, I wanted to be sad and have that reflected in my dress and in the choices of music. I didn't line up and thank people afterwards as I felt a bit hysterical. I think the point the OP was trying to make I'd that traditional mourning clothes signalled ongoing grief and we don't have that now. Certainly I was surprised how little my husband was mentioned after the funeral except in my household and perhaps people do forget more easily without external signs, who knows?

I understand what you mean although I think a lot of people have missed it and become defensive.

you aren’t saying that people who wear colours to funerals aren’t mourning properly.

but that by not having recognised mourning clothes in society anymore then strangers don’t know we have experienced recent grief.
I do think this is important and no matter that some people don’t want it to be a sad occasion it is very hard to wear colours and then worry that people are looking and thinking we are being inappropriate. It’s easier to wear black. It does seem to have become a bit of a thing to wear colours and I get that people say they don’t want to be sad and gloomy, the reality is that it is sad and gloomy and mourning clothes do have a purpose.
men generally wear black ties which they wouldn’t wear to a job interview and if in a group of people all wearing black it is obvious to most people there is a funeral going on.

So much horrible judgement on this thread. Support the bereaved- not everything is about you and your narrow world view.

A lot of this seems more based on personal opinion, rooted in nothing else but.

My friends husband was working on the day of my dads funeral but he had said he would pop in at the purvy (Scottish meal after )
He turned up in jeans a hoodie and trainers. I struggled to acknowledge him. At his mothers funeral we all wore dark/black, it’s not like he did t know.

Wearing black could mean going to work or court. Why would you want people to know you’re in mourning?

Funerals and mourning are cultural events.

I actually think some of the Jewish customs such as Shiva having a defined timeline for mourning.

For those who do not know Shiva is seven days following the funeral. People come to the home of the deceased family for a week to pay respects and to pray.

The deceased close family may tear their clothing and not wash / shave / do laundry for that week.

My next door neighbour died yesterday. I live on a cul-de-sac and there have been several deaths since I have been here. I don't think I will go to the funeral but I do know that day the curtains at the front of the houses will be closed.

That's what I don't get. First there's "people dress differently for attention" then "wear black so people know you're mourning."

An odd set of arbitrary rules that are clearly personal preferences.

When my younger brother passed several years ago.
People came dressed in all sorts from full on black, to casual, to old jeans and t-shirts.
We didn't care what they wore, we were just glad to see them there.

My family is from the Gàidhealtachd (basically the Gaelic-speaking regions of the Highlands and Islands).

My father died very suddenly and unexpectedly when I was a teenager and, with hindsight, I'm very pleased that we had very well-trodden traditions to note (such as wearing black, keeping the curtains closed etc) because we were all so shocked and grief-ridden that we wouldn't have had the head space to deal with somebody asking what the dress code is: what do you mean, what's the dress code? Black, obviously.

Mouers such as wearing black to a funeral help 'lubricate' social interactions and take the pressure off those most likely to be affected.

I think people should just do what they want/what the family has requested. It shouldn't have to be one-size-fits-all, and the further we move from judging others for wearing certain colours to certain events, the better. As others have said, unless someone looks particularly formally dressed and downcast, I wouldn't assume that black clothes mean they're dressed for a funeral.

Losing someone is horrible, but unless we go back to the customs of going into very visible mourning for longer periods of time, clothing isn't an effective social signal of bereavement for more than the day of the funeral.