To think we've lost something by not having a standard funeral outfit

[Sleeptightnightlight]

So, this is musing really. Over the last couple of years I've been to a few funerals and at all there has been the request for no black/dark colours. (Several specifically asking for bright colours etc).

I'm not in any way criticising the individual choices of the bereaved people (frankly if they'd asked me to turn up in a gimp suit and tutu I would have if I thought it would help them through the day). I absolutely think people should choose whatever dress code they want.

But I can't help wondering if this move to colour/'normal clothes' means we lose something in terms of other people recognising people who are in mourning.

For example I remember being at a service station barely holding it together and it occured to me that being dressed in what was basically festival garb no one serving me etc had any idea we were on the way to a funeral.

I think in the past people would wear a black armband on their suit so everyone would know and perhaps that person would be treated more kindly/gently?

AIBU to think having recognizable 'mourning clothes' had a social function that we have lost/are losing? Maybe on a society level we need some new sign that someone has suffered a loss?

Our family don't do black at our funerals. It would be considered wasting money to get specific clothes. We just wear something smart. I wore a cream top to my dads funeral with grey trousers.

Although as I'm getting older and go to non family funerals that do require black I have had to get a black coat and bag from primark, but they'll last me for decades.

Direct cremation for me.

@bloodywhitecat

I'm sorry I didn't mean it like that, I just wanted the world to know mine had ended whilst everyone else was going about their normal day. I couldn't believe that people were doing mundane things like shopping and walking and driving when my son was dead. I like the idea of an armband, or a formality like they did in the past to mark a grieving period wearing a black veil would have made my interactions with others seem less false.
But it is personal and a funeral needs to suit the family. I am sorry for your loss.

I attend lots (occupational hazard) and wear black. If colour is requested I have a variety of silk scarves to accessorise with

I'm not so bothered on colours (although I always wear black to a funeral unless the family request something else), but it is a formal occasion to me. I was shocked when DHs uncle died and there were people at the funeral in jeans and those massive fleece tops with wild animals/wolves printed on which you only seem to see for sale at country fairs... it just seems really disrespectful to me - like you've just popped into the funeral on the way to Tesco or something, not that it's an important event.

I'm not having a funeral, but a direct cremation. I dislike " tradition" intensely.
Let people wear what they want if the family are happy with that.

@SunsetandCupcakes your post was carefully and thoughtfully worded, you have nothing to apologise for .

I've been to far too many funerals this year alone I'll wear whatever is requested and default to black/ purple if no direct request is made.

When I went back through the airport part-way through a family member's funeral earlier this year, I was still in my black funeral outfit. No body would have had a clue why I was wearing a black formal outfit. I could easily have been wearing it for work purposes.

Grief doesn't end. In some ways you live with it forever. Every grief is individual.

The worst news I've had this year was about a younger family member. My reaction was to lace up my trainers and run out that initial wave of shock by running like Forrest Gump. Wearing something like a black arm band sounds like it would just bring out extreme British awkwardness and make most people feel worse. Many want to cling to shreds of normality to drag them through the early days of raw bereavement.

For my own funeral, I want people to be comfortable and be able to laugh and cry as they need. I like colour, but there'd be no right or wrong.

I honestly couldn't care less what someone would wear to my funeral or that of a close family member. Funerals are usually held on working days and require someone to take a day unpaid off work. If they turn up dressed in jeans and a fleece, I could not care less as I would appreciate the time they took out of their day to support me. Also, not everyone has the funds to buy something black and formal if they don't already have something. I have never in my grief looked around at what someone is wearing at a close family member's funeral and thought to myself, "I'm never going to acknowledge them again because they're not dressed how I want," like a couple of posters have stated they have done.

I'm glad you mentioned purple. One person upthread was offended that an Aunt wore it I was pretty sure it was a traditional funeral colour. I think smart should be the default, but people I know wear black the majority of the time through choice, or for work so wouldn't stick out as someone in mourning. I've experienced people returning smart clothes, worn for an occasion because it's obviously not something they feel they need in their wardrobe, which I find just rude, and not respectful whatsoever to anyone

I don't really understand who it is disrespectful to, too come to a funeral wearing either colour or, casual clothes. The deceased or the family?

I didn't particularly want to be on display when I was recently bereaved. I didn't want people to treat me differently, or worse, for strangers to find my grief triggering. I didn't want family and family fork out for specific clothing that makes no difference to their grief or mine.

My world has shattered regardless whether people wear black or whether it's the funeral day or the day, week, month after that.

We had a direct-to-crem funeral with no service at all for my Dad when he died. The funeral people dealt with the ashes too. He died in hospital then was whisked away and that was that. I can imagine how 'disrespectful' some people on this thread would find that. When he died I went on my iPad and booked everything online.

It's what my Dad wanted and what all my family are going to do too. To us the memories and sadness are associated with the person when they were alive not with their physical body.

Not having had any funeral and service hasn't had any bad effects and we don't regret it at all. People talk about funerals and closure but, for us, the act of my Dad dying was closure adding a ceremony where everyone stands around wearing black wouldn't have made it feel like it was more final.

We obviously still miss him a lot and we chat about him and feel sad but I think it's in a emotionally healthy and natural way.

I followed a hearse the other day. It was driving extremely slowly between two towns for about 7 miles. The queue behind the hearse seemed endless by the time it reached the destination. Obviously I didn't overtake as that would be 'disrespectful' but it does seem like a really strange and outdated way to honor someone who had died.

I’m white British - that’s my ethnicity. My religion and culture is different.

It also wasn’t obvious at all!

My children are well aware that I want as close to full Victorian mourning outfits as possible.

This

We went to the funeral of DH’s uncle last week. He was 92 and very definitely old school. We checked with DH’s cousin, who said the majority of people would be in dark or black clothes, so that’s what we did.

His daughter in law was dressed casually, some of the mourners wore suits, but there were a good number in jeans and very casual wear. These were older people too and exactly why we asked for the dress code, thinking they'd be wearing a dark suit.

Agree. Funerals should be personal, but not ‘individual’ - they serve a social function in helping the living process their grief. I’d also respect the wishes of the family if that’s what they wanted, but I wouldn’t find dressing like I was going to Glastonbury conducive to that. Maybe for a memorial a bit further down the line but not when the loss is recent and you’re in the midst of it. Forced party spirit would make things worse imo.

my Gran had a direct cremation, didn’t want a fuss made. We respected her wishes, but it felt abrupt and impersonal, didn’t help the grieving process.

I wore a big hat and veil to my DPs funeral in March. So that I could slug from a hip flask of neat vodka throughout the service. He would have approved.

I can add the debate about what to wear to the very long list of reasons why I absolutely will not be having any kind of funeral when I pop my clogs. Just hope that whoever is my executor follows my instructions!

I think funerals are personal, insofar as they need to reflect the person who has died within the context of their family and friends.

And when skilfully arranged, this can have room for both sadness and celebration, because what is a person’s life if not a blend of those two things?

I find some of the comments here… if not odd, exactly, then distinctly at odds with my own experiences. In my culture a funeral is collaborative and relatively casual; yes, some people will wear black but ultimately it would be more insulting/inappropriate not to go than to show up in a pink fluffy jumper or glittery DMs. You quite often get people locally ‘popping in’ on their way back from work so it’s not unusual to see people in work uniforms or ‘normal’ clothes. Ultimately, going and being together is more important than what attire you go in.

Surely it doesn’t matter what anyone wears to a funeral? It’s the paying of respects that’s more important rather than what the person wears

conversely to most I find the idea of a “mourning period” too time limiting.

in the immediate aftermath people know you’re grieving, are kind, bring flowers, food, gifts. Black and blinds down make no difference.

the time I found hardest was after the funeral, when everyone went back to their own lives, carried on as normal, and I felt I was expected to discard the black, to cheer up and move on.

my life was disrupted forever. Weeks, months, even years later and sometimes I want to scream at people I had this huge loss and my life is profoundly different to what it should have been, while everyone else seems to have forgotten

so no, wearing black for one day to show grief is not enough. People should wear whatever helps them feel better. Wear black, red, white, i don’t care. Just remember.

@Notanotherusername4321

I hear you.

It appears we are in the same shitty club.

Unmumsnetty hug coming your way.

And to everyone thrown into the upside down.

I honestly didn't care what the mourners at my DMs funeral wore because all that mattered was they turned up.

And I can't even remember the clothes but that is probably because I wasn't looking at them deciding if they were appropriate or not.