To think we've lost something by not having a standard funeral outfit

[Sleeptightnightlight]

So, this is musing really. Over the last couple of years I've been to a few funerals and at all there has been the request for no black/dark colours. (Several specifically asking for bright colours etc).

I'm not in any way criticising the individual choices of the bereaved people (frankly if they'd asked me to turn up in a gimp suit and tutu I would have if I thought it would help them through the day). I absolutely think people should choose whatever dress code they want.

But I can't help wondering if this move to colour/'normal clothes' means we lose something in terms of other people recognising people who are in mourning.

For example I remember being at a service station barely holding it together and it occured to me that being dressed in what was basically festival garb no one serving me etc had any idea we were on the way to a funeral.

I think in the past people would wear a black armband on their suit so everyone would know and perhaps that person would be treated more kindly/gently?

AIBU to think having recognizable 'mourning clothes' had a social function that we have lost/are losing? Maybe on a society level we need some new sign that someone has suffered a loss?

I think I probably take wearing dark colours to extremes but - I take a lot of funerals, so all any of the mourners see on the day is the black cassock etc. However, underneath I tend to wear something dark as a mark of respect. As I always do when making the funeral visit (which was tricky in 40 degree heat when my only summer clothes are bright!)

I prefer funerals to be predominantly black. It's part of the mourning ritual - all cultures have one, and rituals are there to mark occasions and help us navigate our way through life.

FIL was a keen walker, and at his funeral there were a number of people in colourful waterproof jackets. At first I thought it was inappropriate, but then I realised that's probably exactly what he would have worn to someone's funeral, so I guess it was appropriate after all.

I think it's entirely up to the family of the bereaved.

Whatever provides them comfort.

And if that's bright clothes then that's what you do. Same if it's black head to foot.

You don't get to chose for anyone else.

You say you genuinely want an answer, but I have not said that anyone should wear anything in particular, or that wearing any particular clothes would change how you (or anyone else) would feel, or that you should care what anyone thinks, or that your choice of clothes has anything to do with your feelings. It honestly feels like an attack on a completely different premise to the one I raised in my OP.

I feel there would be social value on having a completely optional visual signal that someone is in mourning, something I believe used to be conveyed by people wearing black, but agree that black doesn't convey that anymore.

I thought that. I've had mother and MIL's funerals recently so obviously older generation and I was shocked at how casually some people dressed. A couple were in jeans and t shirts.

I think the rituals are really important to the grieving process and we seem v intolerant of them and show little respect. It's a shame

Casual dress permeates every part of life, including funerals.

I agree. Dark, smart clothes is a mark of respect. Obviously if requested specially to wear bright clothes I would, but I would feel strange.

But why must everyone subscribe to a certain ritual? You're allowed to have preferences just as other people.

It's so odd how people are so rigid about what they like that they're closed to the fact that what they prefer isn't a standard.

The royal ladies at the queens funerals looked so elegant, I wanted to recreate that for my mums funeral and yes I had a black short veil.

I think it's more about paying respects. I would be more offended if someone didn't turn up to the funeral rather than what they are wearing. I won't forget who didnt turn up to my dad's funeral but I don't have a clue what people who came wore

This! I wouldn’t care what anyone wore to my loved ones funeral. The fact they came to pay their respects would be enough. What if it’s someone that can only get an hour off work and has to wear a particular uniform or clothes for work and had no time to get changed. Or someone that couldn’t afford something black or dressy and had to make do with the most appropriate thing they had in their wardrobe.

Would you criticize other countries for wearing red/white/purple/orange to a funeral? Or are you only going to insult England's traditions.

Obviously not, as I've already said I live in a country where most people wear whatever colour they want to a funeral. If people wish to wear black then that is fine. What I am objecting to are the judgemental posts on this thread about how people absolutely MUST wear black to a funeral, and some have even stated they feel differently about someone who didn't adhere to their strict codes. UK funerals to me are very old fashioned, but if that's what you like then that's fine, but not when it means funeral goers are sitting in judgement of what others wear or behave.

I have no respect for anyone who puts what someone wears to a funeral above the fact that they made the effort to take time out of their day to attend.

What if it’s someone that can only get an hour off work and has to wear a particular uniform or clothes for work and had no time to get changed.

Which is exactly what people do here - and with no fear of being judged for it.

I couldn't care less what anyone wore at my mums funeral. What people were wearing was the last thing on my mind. I'm just glad they came to say goodbye.

If you think only people dressed in black are grieving, you are very very wrong.

I get the impression that the importance of funerals is being eroded anyway. I know people recently who have refused to attend both parts of a funeral where it was a church service and cremation. For example, of their brother-in-law, of 60+ years. I've heard people complaining that the church service was too long.... too religious...

Funerals seem to be on a conveyor belt at crematoriums. One party leaving, another group queuing up at the other side.. . People worrying about losing their cool at their parents funeral... why are they under pressure not to even cry?

It seems the celebrating or mourning of the loss of the lives of people are being limited to just 30 mins of service.

And that is before you even worry about what people are wearing.

I totally agree. Also find it very awkward. The funeral of my late aunt and they requested to wear something bright. I wore black but had a lovely red coat. Wore that. Got there and most just had a scarf or the such one a different colour. Made me feel very bad for being so bold!!

To me clothes and dignity/respect are not related in any way. You can dress extremely smartly all in black and still be a complete arse. I realise other people feel differently but I don't value appearances in that way. I also never felt I wanted or needed other people to know I was mourning, what's it got to do with random strangers? I don't need people to be fake nice to me because someone they don't know died.

Agreed! I couldn't think of anything worse than wearing a black veil, closing the curtains and abstaining from talking to anybody for the next 6 months during mourning. I'd rather try and move on with life as positively as possible, but that's just my opinion.

If somebody has requests for their funeral it should be honoured - pink, black, flowers, balloon animals...who cares! It should be respected. I've always worn formal black to a funeral, but that won't have any effect on how you're treated at a petrol station. I went into work before a funeral years ago and nobody knew I was going to a funeral as I always wear black. To me it seems like you're vying for attention by specifically wanting everyone to differentiate you as going to a funeral.

And the comments regarding it being a "trendy" thing are just ridiculous!

I agree with all of this ☝️

Thinking about this a bit more, this thread is in very bad taste.

Op, you must realise that most of us here have had close relatives die and have to attend their funerals. We've had two close family members die in the last 6 months. Two more are likely to die in the next year. You can protest as much as you like, but I think this thread will be upsetting to a lot of people. Is that more important that having this debate? I don't think it is.

@SunsetandCupcakes💐💐💐

The OP makes it really really clear that she would turn up in anything requested and has no issue with what is worn at funerals. What she's saying, or 'musing' is that there's no signifier of attending a funeral or grief anymore and that might not be a good thing. Why can't we discuss the rituals around death and what they might or might not be useful for? I speak as a recent widow- we had to work it all out with the kids as well.

My thoughts precisely; look tidy and dress respectfully and if there’s a particular request for colours etc try to comply.
I’m having a direct cremation if my body doesn’t go for medical science, my family are aware.

I’ve thought this for a long time. Even primates engage in collective grief. I see it as an important aspect of the grieving process for those who would like to attend. I dislike the ‘denial’ of difficult feelings generally. I think it is very unhealthy. On a personal level, I also dislike being dictated to about how I should grieve by someone else, even if that person was closer to the deceased that me - my relationship was, after all, with the deceased.