To think we've lost something by not having a standard funeral outfit

[Sleeptightnightlight]

So, this is musing really. Over the last couple of years I've been to a few funerals and at all there has been the request for no black/dark colours. (Several specifically asking for bright colours etc).

I'm not in any way criticising the individual choices of the bereaved people (frankly if they'd asked me to turn up in a gimp suit and tutu I would have if I thought it would help them through the day). I absolutely think people should choose whatever dress code they want.

But I can't help wondering if this move to colour/'normal clothes' means we lose something in terms of other people recognising people who are in mourning.

For example I remember being at a service station barely holding it together and it occured to me that being dressed in what was basically festival garb no one serving me etc had any idea we were on the way to a funeral.

I think in the past people would wear a black armband on their suit so everyone would know and perhaps that person would be treated more kindly/gently?

AIBU to think having recognizable 'mourning clothes' had a social function that we have lost/are losing? Maybe on a society level we need some new sign that someone has suffered a loss?

@knittingaddict the title of the thread is clear. I lost my dad 6 weeks ago and as was his wish, he had a direct cremation. If reading this thread would have proved upsetting for me, there was enough in the title for me to know to have avoided it.

I would certainly follow guidance from the bereaved family in terms of dress code but I definitely prefer to dress in a more formal way for funerals. It’s my personal way of showing respect. When my mother died I remembered that she had previously stated that she would prefer people not to wear black. But I FELT black. She died in tragic circumstances and I was devastated. But having said that, I agree with a previous post, that I can recall who came to the funeral but I have no idea what they were wearing!

When my father died we were lucky to have a funeral that more than 4 people could attend.

i just asked people to wear whatever they wanted, no need to wear black. people weren’t supposed to be traveling etc

let people mourn as they see fit, one of my daughters wore black the other didn’t

but op I doubt the service assistance will notice what you’re wearing

YABU. I think people feel how they feel, whatever colours anyone wears.

It seems the celebrating or mourning of the loss of the lives of people are being limited to just 30 mins of service.

its a very busy service as not enough crematoriums & a large aged population.

many funerals back in the 1970s and 1980s were conducted within a week, 10 days was seen as a delay. Now you’ll be lucky to get a slit within 3/4 weeks, so time is limited

6 weeks for my mum. I think that's too long to be in some kind of limbo, which is how it felt.

Poor you, 6 weeks is too long to wait.

I don't like the whole formal forced nature of funerals so I don't want people to do that whole performative nonsense for my sake. I doubt anyone will mourn me, maybe miss me once or twice, but that's that. I know some people get comfort from these events but I find it's day to day life that reminds me of the loss. Formal events are confusing and full of interactions with others rather than for reflecting.

It seems strange that some people actually feel offended when someone else is wearing the "wrong" colour to a funeral they are both attending. You would think they would have other things to think about such as grieving the person who had died or supporting other family members or friends.

What if someone looked too happy or if they laughed would that cause offence?

My mum always said she wouldn't want people to wear black at her funeral. We respected her wishes as it's one of the last things we could do for her. A lot of older people disregarded this but many did follow her wishes. My friend wore a scarlet jacket and her husband a bright coloured waistcoat. It meant so much to me that they did this.

So you think you should be able to ban People talking about death? I would say this approach leads perfectly into the OP question.
Death however hard affects us all. We can not pretend it doesn't happen nor fail to discuss it because it may cause offense.

The title is clear, it is about funerals. There are whole university courses on death and dying, society's way of dealing with death is an important part of understanding the population.

Whilst some replies have been quite rude and unable to discuss the issue without personal attack the OP has been sensitive throughout. @knittingaddict

To return to the original OP, there’s nothing to stop mourners adopting a standard funeral outfit if that fits with what the people close to the deceased want.

Personally I’m glad that as funeral arrangers and mourners we have the freedom to design the kind of funeral need or attend as fits. Mum in law wanted us to each wear an item in bright blue, so we did, as accessories to our smart dark suits. A friend spent her life wearing red so we all wore red in homage to her and brought wild flowers to decorate her coffin. Every funeral is different, and very appropriate to the deceased in their own way.

I see several posters have said they don't want people to know they are mourning, which is fair enough, but I wasn't thinking it would be mandatory. (I suppose in the past not wearing mourning would have been judged so it's good we have moved away from that).

I feel there would be social value on having a completely optional visual signal that someone is in mourning

But any visual signal that someone is in mourning only works if enough people buy into it to make it obvious. Given that people have such divergent opinions on whether they'd want to observe it, it's questionable whether it could actually be achieved without some level of judgement or shaming of those who didn't.

Of course people can talk about death. I've posted on other threads about death and dying.

I think the op has been quite respectful in her posts, but it has inevitably opened up the subject for some to judge other people's personal choices. I don't have a problem if a whole funeral is full of people dressed completely in black. Of course I don't, but equally don't expect those people to judge others who do it differently.

I'm happy that we have moved away from rules about mourning. It wasn't without its issues 100/200 years ago. Really it was a rule for the rich. Poor people couldn't afford to go into deep mourning for months on end. I think it's important to consider the socio-economic factors at play here. Many people couldn't afford to do it now.

It's not a conversation about death. It is - let's cut to the chase - a thread about people's sartorial/fashion choices at funerals.

It's for the individual to decide whether this is in bad taste or not. My conclusions are quite clear.

Agreed.
It’s not a conversation about death and mourning. Some people (not the OP!) seem to think they can pass judgement on people who may be going through one of the worst experiences of their lives.
It is also very closed minded as religions and cultures do things differently, even within the same country.

I don’t read the OP that way at all. I’m interested in the question of whether visible symbols of mourning are useful. I don’t think anyone would argue that they should be obligatory, but do they help some people? I think they must do. If your world has recently fallen apart, maybe the structure of mourning customs can be comforting. Personally, I like the idea of choosing to wear a (small) symbol of mourning. At least it ought to stop the “cheer up love, it might never happen” comments.

I wore a black trousers suit with a sequined top underneath for my late dp's funeral because he loved me to wear the top & I felt it acknowledged the love between us.

When my dad died I couldn't care less what people wore to his funeral. I wore black because he was staunchly traditional and would have wanted that but other mourners could have turned up in swim wear for all I cared.

@Nat6999 that sounds lovely