To think we've lost something by not having a standard funeral outfit

[Sleeptightnightlight]

So, this is musing really. Over the last couple of years I've been to a few funerals and at all there has been the request for no black/dark colours. (Several specifically asking for bright colours etc).

I'm not in any way criticising the individual choices of the bereaved people (frankly if they'd asked me to turn up in a gimp suit and tutu I would have if I thought it would help them through the day). I absolutely think people should choose whatever dress code they want.

But I can't help wondering if this move to colour/'normal clothes' means we lose something in terms of other people recognising people who are in mourning.

For example I remember being at a service station barely holding it together and it occured to me that being dressed in what was basically festival garb no one serving me etc had any idea we were on the way to a funeral.

I think in the past people would wear a black armband on their suit so everyone would know and perhaps that person would be treated more kindly/gently?

AIBU to think having recognizable 'mourning clothes' had a social function that we have lost/are losing? Maybe on a society level we need some new sign that someone has suffered a loss?

As for recognising that people are mourning - I wouldn't actually want people to recognise that I am mourning. Everybody loses someone they love at some stage of their life, I don't feel the need for special treatment when it's my turn. Anyone close would know, that's all that matters.

I prefer to wear black. I went to a funeral recently where the widow asked that no one cry at any point in the day. I obviously tried very hard to adhere to this for her but it was so difficult

A few years ago two brothers nearby were murdered by their father. Their favourite colour was yellow so everyone was asked to wear something yellow to the funeral. One of the boys had been a pupil at DD's school so all the pupils were asked to do the same on the day of the funeral.

It was such an awful time.

People grieve differently.

Personally I prefer to wear dark colours to a funeral and I like the traditional and rites of passage because it's comforting. I would feel very awkward in bright colours, but wearing bright colours might help someone else.

I agree but the clothes are a symptom of something deeper. We are so busy “celebrating the life” of someone the grief is often not processed properly. I know someone who is still struggling 5 years on and is still in the very raw phase of it all. We bottle up our emotions so tightly in this country that the anguish we see in other cultures seems strange to us but I wonder if they work through it better?

I agree

Oh all of this.

I’ve never been to a “wear bright colours” funeral and I would comply but otherwise it’s always black.

We likely have a funeral in the next year that I’d like to take my DC to. I’ll dress them in dark colours too.

Still.. it just makes you look like you’re going to work doesn’t it? I do quite like that in the past you were expected to wear black for a defined period - a month or two - and that was that.

As a society we are so much more casual now. I find it funny to think that when my kids go up to high school they’ll be wearing a tie every day when DH doesn’t even wear one to work.

No. You didn't. A funeral is for the living, and should bring comfort to those closest to the deceased. If what you did was right for you and your joint families then you did it absolutely right.

And I'm very sorry for your loss

Some of the judgemental posts on this thread are revolting, and @HeddaGarbled suggesting that funerals go with 'fashion' is outrageous.

Times change, funerals do not have to be somber and depressing, it's what the living family of the deceased choose. I've unfortunately been to many funerals these last 2 years & the ones with everyone in black and a wake back at the local village hall have been quiet and respectful. The 'colourful' ones have been quiet and respectful too. Clothing doesn't change the grief being experienced but it may help to make the funeral feel more personal to the family who have lost someone

I totally disagree. We are a country of many cultures religions and traditions. Some cultures wearing black simply isn’t on our radar. Funerals are organised quickly, often with just a couple of hours confirmation of the exact time. People come as they are. It might be in formal wear, it might be in a football kit if you’ve come from training, or in jeans or your gym gear, whatever. Nobody cares. It matters that you come and you support the bereaved. I’ve never worn black to even a family funeral, last one I wore a lovely flowery dress and a fake fur jacket.

Funerary and mourning rituals grew up because they help people - it happens across cultures. Doing things like arranging funerals and answering sympathy letters gives people something to do (plus there's practical admin as well)

And gestures of mourning (such as clothing, armbands or hair ornaments) can show the world who is in mourning, giving a chance of extra consideration

I think there is still a point in life when you decide you need a good black coat.

When my Dad died I couldn't tell you what people wore to the funeral. It didn't bother me in the slightest. It was a massive funeral with over 500 people there and we had a service of thanksgiving after his cremation. Going on what people here have said all of that is disrespectful, however, it was what my Dad wanted.

If you are concentrating on what people are wearing then it just seems petty to me.

Exactly this. When my brother died in horrific circumstances I couldn’t have cared less what anyone wore to the funeral. I didn’t even notice. Can’t remember what I wore either. I was just so grateful to everyone who came to pay their respects.

And it was most definitely a celebration of his short life, Im sorry if that offends anyone.

When I was a toddler, my parents had friends whose same aged child to me died.

Members of the youth club that the Dads worked at turned out. These were, in my mum’s words, “tough lads” who strayed either side of the law. My mum always talks about the guy who turned up in full eighties black ripped jeans, black leather jacket, etc… “because it was the only black stuff I had, and I wanted to do it proper, do you think she’ll (the deceased toddler) mind?”.

Bring the attitude you need to the funeral, whatever that looks like, in a way that it as respectful as possible.

People obviously feel differently and strongly about this, but my take is that there's nothing wrong with wearing jeans to a funeral, what matters is that you care and you honour the person in your own way, you're not putting on a show. We had some people who didn't come to my Dad's funeral as they don't like funerals. No issue. Doesn't mean they care any less.

People are sad whatever they wear though. I don't believe in forced solemnity. People who are grieving go through a range of emotions which we carry around every day, not just on funeral say. Grieving is the real, devastating process of losing someone, 'mourning' is for show.

I've always told my husband that I want people to wear black at my funeral.

When my son died we all wore black, but as I always loved him in red we asked people to wear something red.

So the women wore red scarves and the men red ties. Even the funeral directors wore red ties at my request.

Everyone also wore odd socks as my son never wore matching socks.

Due to covid rules at the time, we could only have 20 people at the service, but at the burial there was a few hundred, there was even one of his friends dressed as a chicken! They had some silly pact, and he asked me beforehand if it would be ok and i said yes!

YANBU and personally, I’d prefer to wear a big black hat with a big black lacy veil that comes down to my elbows like a Victorian widow.

@MNMH

I can't help but feel that this thread has taken a bit of an different cultures wearing different cultures is fine, people wearing bright colours is fine, but people wearing black are fair game for snide comments about being all doom and gloom and somber spin.

There is no wrong answer on what to wear as long as respect is being shown to the deceased and their family.

My Gran died after injuries sustained in a care home. The whole incident was very traumatic, especially for my df. She hated block and loved colourful florals. The men at the funeral wore dark suits and df wore a floral tie (a nice small print in a dark navy like his suit, not a naff one). Dm and I wore black dresses with florals. That get right. Wearing plain black would have felt wrong for her.

my dsil’s father died during covid. For that funeral I wore all black as that get right.

it depends on the person/situation/ the deceased preferences if made known.

Thank you for the word purvy, that's a new one to me.

What I'm taking from this thread is that when people ask for colours/no black at a funeral, it's very deeply felt and you should comply willingly if you possibly can (not that I didn't think that before).

I did actually wear a kind of mourning after dh died, though I don't think anyone else would have noticed much. There were clothes and colours I didn't wear for months, and then about six months after he died I did start wearing some of them again. It wasn't very conscious, I just didn't want to wear those things in the early days, but I found it comforting. I've also never worn again a couple of things I wore in the first days after his death.

I've heard the view that people would treat the bereaved better if we still had visible mourning customs before, but I'm not sure it's true. I think it broke down after WWI/the 1919 flu pandemic because everyone was in mourning. The entire country. The fact is that loss is terrible and very painful and it feels like you're being ignored. A dress code wouldn't really help in my view.

@onlythreenow

Would you criticize other countries for wearing red/white/purple/orange to a funeral? Or are you only going to insult England's traditions.

It is not your place to tell us that our customs or culture it outdated, weird or wrong.

People should wear black if it is what makes them feel comfortable. Likewise, if they want to wear bright colours, again it comes down to what they feel comfortable in. And obviously the family of the deceased feelings need to be taken into account as well.

OP was merely saying that having a specific outfit or armband to signal to the rest of the world that someone is grieving and needs a bit of sensitivity and compassion might be beneficial to some people.

Well, the funeral business talks about “funeral fashions”:

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