To think we've lost something by not having a standard funeral outfit

[Sleeptightnightlight]

So, this is musing really. Over the last couple of years I've been to a few funerals and at all there has been the request for no black/dark colours. (Several specifically asking for bright colours etc).

I'm not in any way criticising the individual choices of the bereaved people (frankly if they'd asked me to turn up in a gimp suit and tutu I would have if I thought it would help them through the day). I absolutely think people should choose whatever dress code they want.

But I can't help wondering if this move to colour/'normal clothes' means we lose something in terms of other people recognising people who are in mourning.

For example I remember being at a service station barely holding it together and it occured to me that being dressed in what was basically festival garb no one serving me etc had any idea we were on the way to a funeral.

I think in the past people would wear a black armband on their suit so everyone would know and perhaps that person would be treated more kindly/gently?

AIBU to think having recognizable 'mourning clothes' had a social function that we have lost/are losing? Maybe on a society level we need some new sign that someone has suffered a loss?

The idea of a mourning period may be right for some people, but the most difficult period of grief can often come later. The day that would have been their next birthday, going to an event without them that you always went together, Christmas, to think of three.

I'm not sure a symbol be it clothing colours or something else to signify recently deceased relative or friend would achieve what the OP wants to see.

Those who have posted about direct cremation and no service, if it is their choice, then fine by me. One aspect of funerals that is more usual over the last 20-25 years which I welcome is giving thanks for the life of the deceased and celebrating it, more than simply mourning their death.

We're off to a childs funeral next week, we will be wearing hints of pink, her favourite colour. We're always guided by what the family wish. If it's not stated then we wear dark colours.

Funerals are for the living. The closest to the one being buried gets to choose what they want or go with the request of their loved one. Bright colours are needed if that is their preference, especially if we are looking at the death of a child. Crass to suggest otherwise.

I wore all black to my mums funeral I felt it was appropriate and respectful.

I don't think it's about not wearing all black to a funeral - I think that's neither here nor there; do what will help those grieving the most.

But I do feel like we've lost a lot of the ritual around death which was designed for those left behind. I would have welcomed the opportunity to go into mourning after DM died, if it meant I had to make fewer decisions about everything and there was an unspoken signal that I would probably be struggling a bit. That's what it would have helped with; not having to explain to people that you're feeling raw and exposed (and why).

For example I remember being at a service station barely holding it together and it occured to me that being dressed in what was basically festival garb no one serving me etc had any idea we were on the way to a funeral.

And? Why would they need to know?

But more importantly, how could they tell whether you're on your way to a funeral or on your way to the office?

I don't thinks it's for others to decide what people should wear to a funeral, it's the families choice and to argue against their wishes is ,IMO, disrespectful.

My OH died on Tuesday. He wants to be cremated in his football shirt and jeans. He wants the mourners to wear whatever they feel comfortable in. If people want to wear suits that's fine, if they don't that's fine too.

It will bring me comfort to see his last wishes are being observed.

@ilovepixie I'm so sorry. No-one wants to be a part of that club. Hope the funeral goes well, it sounds great and as you say, in line with his own wishes.

I agree with@LBOCS2 that for me it’s about simplifying decisions.
If I’m going to a funeral, particularly someone close, then deciding what I’m going to wear isn’t something I want to have to think about.

After a couple of funerals where I was rushing around trying to find an appropriate outfit and worrying I wouldn’t find anything at short notice I now have the basics that are smart and I feel like ‘me’ in, iykwim, in my wardrobe so I don’t have to think about it and can concentrate on what matters.

Sympathies to everyone who’s currently going through this.

I was a bit unsure whether to come back into this thread. Several people have said they 'agree' with me then stated something I completely disagree with about 'disrespect' or appropriateness of certain colours/outfits. That's really not what I was saying. I am sorry if this thread made anyone feel judged about choosing whatever worked best for them, I tried to make it clear that was not my intention.

Completely seriously, I wish we had some kind of rule where we could wear black for X amount of time or something to signify mourning.

This is what I'm getting at (and no, it doesn't have to be black, and yes, obviously people wear black all the time now so it doesn't work as a grief signifier). I see several posters have said they don't want people to know they are mourning, which is fair enough, but I wasn't thinking it would be mandatory. (I suppose in the past not wearing mourning would have been judged so it's good we have moved away from that).

Personally I do want people to know I'm grieving. I can't bring myself to say the words most of the time. It's too heavy to drop on people making normal chatty smalltalk, but not saying anything and trying to carry on the conversation feels awful to me.

Someone asked Why would they need to know? I was going to a funeral. I don't think other people 'need to know' but I personally would like it if they did without me having to explain, 'sorry my world is falling apart right now and simple stuff like returning a smile or remembering what I'm supposed to be doing are really fucking hard.'

I'm glad some people got was I was trying to say and sorry again if this thread stirred anything up.

OP, please don't worry about stirring things up. I can see you wrote you OP carefully. One of the reasons Mumsnet is useful is that it helps everyone see that there are a million and one different opinions and a million and one ways to do things. Everyone just needs to be understanding and respectful of other peoples views.

There isn't a rule book on grieving. You have to work out what works for you and your family.

I agree and I think when someone is offhand or behaving 'rude' within an everyday situation (even if they are the one serving) they should be given some tolerance rather than being the subject of a complaint on social media...there are so many who are having to get on with their lives who have been through or still experiencing grief or a really stressful situation. I think when you've been through it you realise and find a bit more empathy for everyone, not knowing what they are dealing with...while carrying on

I went to my husband's grandma's funeral earlier this year. No dress code was mentioned on the invitation, so I assumed standard funeral dress and bought a dark blue dress to wear, and black shoes.

My sister in law was wearing a denim jacket and skirt. My husband's cousin was wearing leggings and an oversized t shirt. Loads of people were just wearing jeans and polo shirts. It was really bizarre. I felt like I was overdressed or had missed some sort of memo that grandma wanted us all to dress like we were going to the pub!

I agree. I live in Liverpool which obviously has a strong Irish heritage and we do grieve more formally. Friends from the south were coming up for a funeral and the women said they were going to dress in happy colours. I suggested they might want to rethink. They didn’t and ended up feeling self conscious amid the sea of black. One of the men in the group said as the cortège passed by, a young guy waiting to cross the road took off his baseball cap and bowed his head. He found that unusual.

No you didn't. You did what was right for your husband and you. Who could ever be better-placed than his wife to honour him in the best, most personal and meaningful way for him?

I'm sorry about your awful loss

My mum's funeral had a black dress code. I was 12 and my older brothers girlfriend took me shopping for the day to find a suitable outfit. We went to topshop etc and she encouraged me to try on tops and dresses and I just felt numb. Like what does it matter what colour I wear, my mum has just dropped dead? In the end we bought a black top in the sales and I wore my school trousers. I don't remember much else from that time, but I remember that shopping trip, my brothers girlfriend tried to make it a girly day but I was just a bit numb.

I think I will specify wear what you want for my own funeral. Black or not, up to you. Some people like to dress up for funerals, get a blow dry, make up etc, and some struggle with the idea of putting on day clothes. You do you.

When it is my time I want everyone to wear black.

I hosted my grandfather's funeral. At this point my granny and both their daughters, my mother and my aunt, had predeceased him. All his life he loved bright colour and cheer and wasn't keen on dull, drab or dark colours. This whole preference is indicative of the type of personality he had.

I came downstairs on the day of his funeral in a dress in bright red (his favourite). Then I wobbled, went back up, and came down again in a black one. My cousin, who knew my grandfather very well, told me to get back upstairs and put it back on: 'He'll love it!', she said. So I did. Nor do I regret it for a second; it was a lovely way to honour the man I'd loved as a father all my life. Might not be the right choice for everyone, and those who knew him less well may have disapproved. But it was right for him, and right for me.

There is no rule book on how to grieve and I'm very uncomfortable with trying to force everyone into a one size fits all approach. Grieving is hard enough as it is. Unless I'm instructed otherwise I will wear black, but just as happy not to if a family's way of honouring their loved one requires something different.

I do hope this thread isn't making anyone feel awful about the decisions they've made. You didn't get it wrong. There is no right or wrong way.

I think it's respectful to wear black to a funeral. My grandfather died last year, he was a lovely man who was always smart in a shirt and tie come rain or shine. I wore black as did my husband as I knew this would have been important to him. His (other) granddaughter turned up in a short dress, leopard print coat and strappy high heels - full on night out attire complete with heavy makeup and big hair. Granddad would have been devastated if he'd seen.
A friend also lost her father very suddenly in his 60s, absolutely horrendous, and her friend turned up to the funeral in a full on flowery summer dress with big wedge summer shoes.
Both people stood out like a sore thumb, which I think is probably what they wanted ...

I absolutely agree there is no right or wrong way - each funeral should be tailored to the wishes of the departed if known, and also what their loved ones are comfortable with.

I do think though that provision for grief and mourning past the funeral needs to be addressed somehow, and medicalisation of it is not necessarily the answer.

For whose benefit would I be dressing in black from head to foot. My mum died in the spring and I wore navy to the funeral and and so did my very elderly dad. His choice. In what way would wearing black have changed anything that we felt on that day? I would genuinely like to know. Why would I care what anyone else thought? Were my feelings not real because I hadn't displayed it for all to see?

Also someone mentioned a person wearing purple to a funeral. Purple used to be a mourning colour, so maybe they thought it was suitable.

I do hope this thread isn't making anyone feel awful about the decisions they've made. You didn't get it wrong. There is no right or wrong way.

Absolutely MarieIVanArkleStinks. That needed to be said.

Goodness, funerals are hard to get through as it is! Just dress as the nearest and dearest of the deceased request if you possibly can, or wear dark, smart clothes if there is no guidance.

💐

So sorry ilovepixie.

I've told my husband that I want to be buried in some nice comfy pyjamas with some knitting. If I could look down I would be very happy to see my family dressed as I would love to remember them - in their favourite outfits, not all in black.