SAHP not doing enough and should work harder.

[Hottubby]

AIBU?
I am the main breadwinner, work up to 80 hours/6-7 days a week sometimes. My DH works part time (potential to earn and work more but just doesn’t and hasn’t for many many years) and contributes very little financially.
I am frustrated he isn’t doing enough, but friends think I am being unfair.
I do all the life admin, finances- literally everything, pay for most things including all holidays, meals out etc on top of usual mortgage and most bills.
I do cleaning and some cooking.

He does- dog walks, all washing, takes and collects ironing from ironing service, DIY, occasional food shopping and meals only if brown and goes in the oven or mindful chef, occasional gardening, ferries kids to activities (kids are older).

I think he should do more, either work more and contribute financially or help with cooking and life admin.

AIBU or do we have the balance right? I’m increasingly frustrated with it all.

He does plenty, I think the issue is you over work yourself and then resent him for not equally overworking.

How many hours a week does he work?

Think this is a case of listing jobs each of you have. There is a lot of unnoticeable jobs in the home that goes on.

Do you have a cleaner? Gardener? Childcare? Etc.

How is he a SAHP if he works part time?

If he was a woman you'd probably be told he does loads.

But as he's a man you'll be told he does nothing and you should chuck him out.

@busybody yes I think that’s right. I get angry if I get home after a 14 hour day and there is no meal made for me. I sound like a Neanderthal I know, I feel so resentful.
He works about 25 hours a week, not really sure as he works for himself. Possibly less.

How much DIY? Couple of hours a week? 6 hours a day (that's what my OH did when we were renovating our house).

I think the biggest issue here is the hours you work. He isn’t a sahp if he is working. Have you discussed what you would like him to do at home? Have you discussed you decreasing your hours and him increasing his?

Well between you you are working 105 hours a week which is more than 2 full time jobs yet you describe him as a SAHP? Isn’t the problem that you work too many hours?

If he's a SAHP then his main household task if to be a SAHP. The kids need looking after more than the dusting needs to get done, depending on ages and if they are at childcare/school obviously. They also need entertainment like soft play/classes etc. so when you take that into consideration with all the jobs listed how many hours will he have left? Also I'm guess as SAHP he will be managing children admin like drs appointments/dentist etc.

He isn't a SAHP.

How much free time do you each get? Do you need to work such long hours?

@upfucked Have you discussed what you would like him to do at home? Have you discussed you decreasing your hours and him increasing his?

Yes- Repeatedly and for years. I earn much more than him currently and I think he has got used to being ‘kept’. He does not seem to have much motivation to work more or earn more, yet has the potential. He has taken me out for a meal that he has booked and paid for twice in the 25 odd years I’ve known him.

I think you are a mug for working 80 hour weeks - where's the fun in your life? I'm amazed your husband has stuck around for so long he'd probably do very well in divorce and then might have a chance to enjoy a relationship with someone who is present. I know a few couples with one working these sort of hours and it's a miserable existence for everyone.

He isn't 'kept', he works 25 hours! That's two thirds of the FTE where I work. It isn't insubstantial. You wouldn't be able to work all the hours you do without him there picking up the slack at home. YABU.

I work about 70 hours a week. DH works about 16-20. The only housework I do is the laundry because I am fussy about how it is done. We both do small bits at the weekend. Other than that, he does absolutely everything. Shopping, meal planning, (I come home to tea on the table) cleaning, sorting out kids in the morning. Literally everything.

It wouldn't work for everyone but it does for us. If he works less hours and brings in less money, he makes up the slack elsewhere.

The issue is he barely makes any money despite working, 25 hours is probably being a very generous estimate.
Kids are older so don’t need as much, other than money which I provide.

And what does he say about the situation? You haven’t mentioned this.

Do you not share finances?

How old are the kids? What your working pattern? 14 hours 6 days a week? Potentially 7 until 9, 6 days a week?

Elon Musk vibes!

There’s more to life than work OP!

What job are you working 7 days a week, 80 hours a week? Is it badly paid so you're doing that to cover the bills or for a lifestyle you want etc?

Personally I'd be telling him you're cutting your hours to X so your salary will drop to X. He can either find the extra money or you need to downscale your life. No meals out, cheaper brands, cutting kids clubs etc. Tell him it's this or you break and don't work at all

I would love to work less but I am just about covering what we need to live for a family of 4 with these hours. I am so so resentful.

Any on earth are you doing all the cleaning???

you’re getting lots of shot in here so far OP be sue some of men can’t bear the dynamic where a woman works more than a man

he is absolutely taking the piss

25 hours is only marginally less than full time and he does a lot of the cooking cleansing and presumably childcare since you’re working 14 hrs 7 days a week.
I don’t think the other person should be a complete skivvy just because you have chose to work such extreme hours. And working those hours doesn’t complete opt you out of family life.

Are you paid hourly?

You definitely work too much.

You cant force him to work more hours so you have two options, put up with it or leave.

It is the default mn position that where the man has a job that take significant hours the women does Thr bill of the domestic duties

He’s taken you out for dinner twice in 25 years, and yet you married him… ooops!

The most immediate practical suggestions I have are:

• stop doing as much admin. If it’s stuff “for him”, let him do it.
• if all he’ll cook is Mindful Chef, fine - up your delivery to 5 meals a week and tell him to crack on
• don’t expect him to do the same hours as you
• really look at why you’re doing the hours you do