SAHP not doing enough and should work harder.

[Hottubby]

AIBU?
I am the main breadwinner, work up to 80 hours/6-7 days a week sometimes. My DH works part time (potential to earn and work more but just doesn’t and hasn’t for many many years) and contributes very little financially.
I am frustrated he isn’t doing enough, but friends think I am being unfair.
I do all the life admin, finances- literally everything, pay for most things including all holidays, meals out etc on top of usual mortgage and most bills.
I do cleaning and some cooking.

He does- dog walks, all washing, takes and collects ironing from ironing service, DIY, occasional food shopping and meals only if brown and goes in the oven or mindful chef, occasional gardening, ferries kids to activities (kids are older).

I think he should do more, either work more and contribute financially or help with cooking and life admin.

AIBU or do we have the balance right? I’m increasingly frustrated with it all.

Did you miss the bit about the OPs long hours, and him looking after the kids,
Doing the school runs, all of the sports events, cooking etc?

Yep this. My husband gets to spend time with colleagues, gets bonus, pay rises , management do’s away.

I do an admin job working from home so I can be there for the kids after I had to step down in my career to pay second fiddle to DHs career and long hours. So I don’t really speak to anyone, get fuck all with regards to feeling valued,, and certainly don’t get pay rises or promotions because I work for the NHS.
if my husband spoke about me in the way this OP speaks about her husband I’d be devastated.

What rubbish- how has he “enabled” op to “progress her career”? Why does he get credit for her hard work?

You wouldn't be saying that if she was a man and he was a woman. You'd be saying the woman had sacrificed everything to allow the man to pursue their career and the man should be grateful for that.

how can you be a sahp if you work?

He's a cock lodger doing a hobby job.

He takes the kids to their activities and the ironing to the ironing service

Absolute waste of space.

I am sorry regardless or how many hours each works. rule in our house who ever is first home cooks dinner. if you are cooking for a family it's not hard to pit some food on a plate to be heated up later. you can also batch cook so you have enough for two days worth of dinner etc reagrdless of what dinner is i am delighted to come home to a meal that i dont have tk cook. I am on your side op your other half is not doing their fair share. you need to have a serious chat with him can he increase his hours if not he has to take some of the load off you.

You are projecting I think

OP days he does some cooking (only if briwn and can go in the oven. She also sayd he ferries kids to clubs and does not mention school run (older DC can probably take themselves to school I would imagine). She also says he does the occassional food shop.

So many posters making up all of this wonderful stuff that this man must indeed do - none of which is mentioned by the OP at all.

Like others, I’m confused about why you’re doing these horrendous hours. But your description of what he contributes time-wise is really grim.

He does- dog walks, all washing, takes and collects ironing from ironing service, DIY, occasional food shopping and meals only if brown and goes in the oven or mindful chef, occasional gardening, ferries kids to activities (kids are older).

He walks the dog, gives kids a lift and does the laundry. He sometimes buys food and sometimes cooks. WTF?! What on earth is he doing for the many, many, many hours each day when he’s not working?

You’re at opposite ends of a nasty spectrum here. Time for a serious chat.

He’s not a SAHP and it’s bollocks that all kids need when they’re older is lifts and money. If both of you worked 80 hours a week they’d lack something very important. It’s very important he’s around for them.

If the thing he spends 25 hours a week on doesn’t actually earn any money, that’s a valid but separate complaint and it’s reasonable to suggest he looks for a real part time job rather than pouring time into a failed business.

You definitely shouldn’t be doing the cleaning. I do question how much cleaning you’re actually doing if you’re working 80 hour weeks. I don’t know many families who send their kids to private school, use an ironing service and don’t employ at least a weekly cleaner.

I wouldn’t be saying any such thing. Nor do I think that’s true. In either case. Op is responsible for her own career success

If he’s barely making any money, could he change career. Whilst he may be working 25 hours a week, it’s not really a job if he’s not earning anything from it - it’s more like volunteering. Or if it’s his own business it’s unfortunately not working so he needs to change to something that does (sorry that sounds a bit harsh).

That being said, there aren’t many people who actually need to work 80hrs a week. Just say no. You cannot be forced to work that many hours so if you want a better balance, where you can help out more with stuff at home and your DH can earn a wage, perhaps you need to stand your ground at work and do less hours. Be more efficient, say no to stuff you don’t need to do and delegate.

If your children are at private school and it’s getting tricky to pay the fees, other stuff like Mindful Chef, holidays and ironing service can all be removed.
Only iron what really needs ironing & Marie Kondo the rest into neat folded envelopes.

Get the kids cooking if they’re living at home & not boarding. There’s three of them, they can each make a meal once a week to take the pressure off.
Divide the chores between the family, not only you and DH. Kids can do their own washing to start with. Give each child their own laundry bag and a day they do theirs on.

If housework seems overwhelming, spend some time decluttering - the less inventory you have, the easier it is to keep in order.

The OP tells us that he works 25hr per week.

What rubbish- how has he “enabled” op to “progress her career”? Why does he get credit for her hard work?

He has looked after the kids whilst she works. Isn't that how it works?
Or did she magically rise to this position, whilst working 12 hr + days a still managed to look after the children? Or is this only for women?

No one has the right to except to live off someone else.

I agree, maybe she should LTB?
It would mean that he would get the kids, No worries as the OP rarely sees them. 12 hr + days etc.
He would probably get the house as the main carer.
He would get a big chunk of her pension.
And given the amount of money she makes he may even get spousal support.

@SueVineer it doesn't sound like a very successful career if she's working 80 hours a week to just get by with a family of 4

Same way that many stay at home mothers will say they have enabled a man to pursue his career unfettered by childcare considerations.

Honestly if a man came on here saying that he works 80 hours a week, gets angry if his dinner is not on the table, refers to his wife that works 25 hours a week as a stay at home parent and complains about how much she earns and that she cannot afford to treat him to dinner, well he would have have been torn to pieces.

I am the main breadwinner, work up to 80 hours/6-7 days a week sometimes

I'm married to someone who works similar hours to you. He does the odd school/preschool pick up on the days he's wfh and some extra curricular activity drop off/pick ups. I do everything else whilst studying, volunteering and working a limited number of hours a month.

Not projecting at all.

But you are also missing
get angry if I get home after a 14 hour day and there is no meal made for me.

But if the OP is working these hours, then her husband must be doing the cooking and looking after the kids, because she isn't their to do it.

Having been in your shoes, yes I think he should/can do more. Definitely you should see how he can help more and balance responsibilities.

no meal made for me suggests that he isn't cooking though?

OP hasn't actually confirmed the ages of her children though has she (sorry if I have missed it) they may well make themselves something and then get fed when OP comes home.

Anything is a possibility really isn't it but everyone seems sure that this man is some sort of saint. In truth he is a cocklodger, living off of a woman who has to work long hours through necessity because he earns little to no money.

But hey he picks up the ironing, what a fucking star!

Maybe he shouldn’t be doing ‘more’ per say so much as ‘more productive’?

it seems like his job is an act of being busy but without being productive and gaining any income. So either becoming a full SaHP if they both agree that’s what they want (and doing more if the chores) or doing a properly paid job -part time hours still to contribute financially
that way the OP would have the option to reduce her hours and actually see her family.

She doesn't have to work 80 hours per week. There's no way on earth she's doing any parenting at all if she works 11 hour days 7 days per week. Most men who do this are utter dick head workaholic arrogant narcissists supported by actual sahm.

If he's not contributing financially, the number of hours he "works" per week is irrelevant. He sounds super self-indulgent.

If you aren't happy financially supporting the household on your own, he needs to get a job. And I don't care if some will scream "financial abuse," you need to keep your money separate. Dole out the minimum necessary.

If he is so dependent that he can't even organize a special meal for you and pay for it, I don't know, that wouldn't sit well with me. He sounds like a drain rather than a partner.

Yeah, this screams cocklodger to me.

Of course he isn't a saint, none of us are.

However plenty of women with several school aged children work 25 hour weeks to support husbands who work full time. It's a completely legitimate model.

The sainthood of this man is being pushed by you and others.

You could also read the statement as the the OP being controlling and abusive as the OP gets angry if its not done for her every night.

OP hasn't actually confirmed the ages of her children though has she (sorry if I have missed it) they may well make themselves something and then get fed when OP comes home

I am sure that the OP would have said if this was the case.

Well of course it is, but those women are getting actual money for their 25 hours work, so a completely different situation