SAHP not doing enough and should work harder.

[Hottubby]

AIBU?
I am the main breadwinner, work up to 80 hours/6-7 days a week sometimes. My DH works part time (potential to earn and work more but just doesn’t and hasn’t for many many years) and contributes very little financially.
I am frustrated he isn’t doing enough, but friends think I am being unfair.
I do all the life admin, finances- literally everything, pay for most things including all holidays, meals out etc on top of usual mortgage and most bills.
I do cleaning and some cooking.

He does- dog walks, all washing, takes and collects ironing from ironing service, DIY, occasional food shopping and meals only if brown and goes in the oven or mindful chef, occasional gardening, ferries kids to activities (kids are older).

I think he should do more, either work more and contribute financially or help with cooking and life admin.

AIBU or do we have the balance right? I’m increasingly frustrated with it all.

It sounds like your husband does quite a lot and works too. I think you are being unreasonable to call him a kept man.

Well clearly this has to change, either he goes FT and you reduce your hours, or he takes over all household tasks (probably reducing his hours a bit.)

are you running your own company?

What would happen if you gave him an ultimatum?

The only reason you are able to work 14 hour days is because he is there to look after the kids. Why are you working the equivalent of two full time jobs? It seems crazy to me if you don’t want to do it and resent your partner. I’ve been in a similar position to your partner, working 3 days a week and doing the childcare, diy, gardening, running around etc whilst my partner worked long hours (not 80 hours a week though!). It’s not as easy as you seem to think and we always considered that we both contributed to the family equally and any money was joint.

I would love to work less but I am just about covering what we need to live for a family of 4 with these hours. I am so so resentful

Well start working less. Bring home less money and then it's on him too to bring it back up.
He wont feel so "kept" then. But whilst you have everything sorted theres no fire under him to help more.

Maybe it needs to get uncomfortable for him to realise.

I feel like he should also wear a pinny and let you put on your white gloves and run your finger over surfaces to check for dust when you get home, too. Seriously OP!!

He works the equivalent of 3 days a week, then appears to do a lot of house stuff, too, including ferrying the kids to activities. Which also presumably means being there for the kids if they need a parent around, even if they are older. He's not lazy and I think you'd soon miss what he does if he stopped.

You just sound like you look down on him and resent him and that you're a type A and he is not. Perhaps you just grew apart, which happens...

I seem to have a different take to most posters but I wouldn’t be happy if he was spending plenty of time ‘working’ at his self employed endeavour yet making next to nothing while I had to work double full time hours to make up the difference!

perhaps he needs to swap to earning an actual wage for the hours he works?

Of course he’s not doing enough. If you’re working long hours and he’s part-time, then he should be picking up fat more of the housework and family admin.

He doesn't do plenty at all!

Dropping ironing at an ironing service doesn't even count as a chore and dog walking is a hobby/lifestyle choice.

He doesn't do life admin and he doesn't do any cleaning. He does the washing which means putting clothes in washing machine and pressing the on button which is not difficult nor time consuming.

He's a lazy fucker who is taking the piss.

You forgot to add that the OP will also need to take 50% of her partners duties to allow this to happen.

You just sound like you look down on him and resent him and that you're a type A and he is not. Perhaps you just grew apart, which happens..

Yes we are very different, I’m driven. He is not.

It sounds like there are a few issues here.

You are doing a lot of hours, you must barely see DH and the kids! Are you happy with your hours or would you want to work less?

You see your DH as a SAHP but he isn't, he's working upto approx 25 hours.

You think he could work/earn more. Do you need the extra money? If he worked more, you would have to pay for more chores to be outsourced. You could not have committed to your work so much if he hadn't been at home for the children.

I am currently a SAHP and frankly I am not the best housekeeper of the two of us, or the best cook, but my DH earns more so that is why I am at home. He works some long hours too.

Something that stood out in your post is him not having a meal ready for you after a long day. This often happens in our house because my DH never let's me know when he will likely arrive home, which makes it tricky to have a meal ready.

I think you need to dial down the anger/resentment and have a conversation with your DH about what you each need/want and how that fits around your children. Communication is the only way yo solve this.

Weekly ironing service, multiple holidays and Mindful Chef are luxuries you could easily do without. You may of course want these extras and that's absolutely within your right but no need to make out your barely making ends meet.
You sound like many (mostly male) partners who insist their long hours are essential - they never are.

25 hours is a part time role, it’s 3.5 days worth of work. When you say he’s barely making any money but he’s self employed, are we talking minimum wage or is he making £25k but you view that as too little? If he works for himself, he should be able to set his own rate so if he is earning minimum wage then he’s devaluing what he’s doing and it probably comes under a hobby. If around or less than minimum wage then I’d say it’s in the region of MLM and he needs to get a proper job or put his rates up. If it’s an OK salary but not near yours then that’s a different matter.

If you are genuinely struggling at the minute then it’s fair to have the discussion about him working more. I think there will be a lot of people having that chat. It’s not always easy to just earn more but as someone working for himself he certainly has more flexibility than most people.

I don’t think it’s far that DH should do less childcare or housework because he’s not prepared to respect boundaries with his work, even if he does earn more than me. It’s a bit more even with us because I work 34 hours and he works 37.5 (or is scheduled to work 37.5) but I do a full day of childcare that he doesn’t do. It looks like you do all the admin and invisible work though. So it sounds like part of the problem might be getting him to recognise that paying bills, organising things, meal prepping, making sure you having cleaning materials in all takes time and is equal to the physical stuff.

When you say the DC are "older" do you mean 11 or 17? Because I think that makes quite a big difference.

It sounds to me as though your issue is that he is nominally "working" but isn't actually earning anything/much as a result? If you compared what he's darling to a minimum wage job, how many hours in that job would he need to work to earn the equivalent?

If he did the same amount at home as he does now but contributed more financially, would you consider things to be more balanced?

You get paid hourly? I doubt it

You don't need to work 120+ hours a week between you to sustain a family of four, surely?

How much does he actually earn OP, more than minimum wage?

I am the only worker in my house with 3 mid teen DCs. DH does do all the cooking, washing and ironing though and I work about 50 hours.

You forgot to add that the OP will also need to take 50% of her partners duties to allow this to happen
No I didn't forget to mention that. Ideally they would to get as close to 50/50 on everything as they can.

Do you want to be married to someone like yourself in terms of ambition and work ethic?
I'm not sure it would work well.

You're working all the hours under the sun and only just covering your family of 4's living costs?! Surely not? Has your lifestyle crept up with your earnings and you can't possibly do without private school/ massive house/ exotic holidays? If it hasn't, god, why bother? Live is for living. That's no life for anyone

Why do you work a 14 hour day. Is it really necessary?? Is it every day, are you not able to spread your work out or delegate?
You sound super stressed tbh.

Slightly off topic, isn't mindful chef one of the more expensive subscriptions? Easy one to cut back on right there...

Lifestyle could definitely be paired down, although it’s never as easy as withdrawing teens from private school and downsizing overnight is it.
Potentially a massive drip feed but he doesn’t really make anything, sometimes makes a loss. I can’t understand it as his actual skill/work is in demand.

To be honest you sound that you do not like your DH much and are quite resentful and really are not compatible. How old are your children? Do they still need someone to do the school run/to be there after school/to cover holidays? Hard to comment really without knowing. Also did he take a 'step back' when they were younger so you could continue in your role? My late DH did and it worked well for various reasons but people still struggle with this role reversal. There are lots of threads on mumsnet about how hard it is to just pick up full time work again and rejoin the workforce after taking a career break (or going part time).

How old are the children? If you’ve been working such long hours for a long time, is it possible you’re under-estimating how much input they actually need?

When I went back to work after being a SAHP and DH needed to step up a bit, I think he was quite surprised at how much “work” was involved in caring for our children, despite them being older primary age.