SAHP not doing enough and should work harder.

[Hottubby]

AIBU?
I am the main breadwinner, work up to 80 hours/6-7 days a week sometimes. My DH works part time (potential to earn and work more but just doesn’t and hasn’t for many many years) and contributes very little financially.
I am frustrated he isn’t doing enough, but friends think I am being unfair.
I do all the life admin, finances- literally everything, pay for most things including all holidays, meals out etc on top of usual mortgage and most bills.
I do cleaning and some cooking.

He does- dog walks, all washing, takes and collects ironing from ironing service, DIY, occasional food shopping and meals only if brown and goes in the oven or mindful chef, occasional gardening, ferries kids to activities (kids are older).

I think he should do more, either work more and contribute financially or help with cooking and life admin.

AIBU or do we have the balance right? I’m increasingly frustrated with it all.

@thelobsterquadrille as I said, conjecture. There's nothing in OP's posts to support your assertion. She has been asking her H to step up for years. She doesn't make any comment on how successful her career is, only that she would prefer to step back but she can't afford to while her H has a hobby-job.

OP, think you underestimate how much time your teens still need. I have older teens (both finished school) and when they are not here, I have so much time. Yesterday I went to work, came home and cooked dinner. All I wanted to do was zonk out, but I ended up testing DD for an exam she has today.

A few days ago, I spent a few hours helping DD with some stuff to do with her uni application.

The week before, I spent again some hours dealing with a medical matter for her.

Then of course there is all the obvious stuff like cooking extra food, more washing etc.

You work so many hours, so you need somebody on hand.

Everyone again just totally ignoring that the OP does not want to work these hours. She does not talk of having some high flying career (thanks of course to the selflessnes of her DH). She talks about working all the hours god sends while also doing the majority of things around the house and for the DC.

All of the people ignoring this are simply too blind to their own narrative to actually pay attention to what this scenario is actually about. A lazy arse husband who won't get a real job.

If indeed he did all the DC related things while they were small (and it's an if because OP hasn't confirmed this - she may well have been PT for all we know - saying she has worked those hours for years doesn't mean for the DC's full lives as people seem to have assumed) then that was then and this is now. Now he is just a leech, doing the bare minimum around the house and earning no money.

Maybe could afford to step back if she didn't insist on paying out for two lots of private school fees 🙄

She's hardly on the breadline and being forced to work those hours.

She wouldn't have to work those hours if she didn't insist on sending her kids to private school either.

Does she insist alone? Has her DH had no say in this decision? Did I miss where the OP said how he wanted them to go to state school?

Or has he just been happy to do fuck all and let her pay for it all because he has an easy ride?

Should she disrupt her DC's schooling at a key time or should her lazy DH just get a job?

Sorry you chose a life not conducive to having kids... doesn't mean SAHP don't and can't have jobs.

Really struggling to understand how people can't grasp the basic concept that people can have jobs AND look after children... people have been doing it forever, dumping your kids elsewhere to go off all day is the realitively new fad in history.

The point was that she doesn't have to send them to private school if she doesn't want to - her DH can hardly force her to pay the fees, can he?

She's not on the breadline and working 80 hours a week to put food on the table. She has choices she can make here.

I think we need more information to be honest.

You say you are driven. So when you had young kids did you have the conversation that most couples end up having? It’s very difficult for two people to do 80 hours of work with younger children. Something has to give. Did you say you wanted to stay full time in crazy hours or did your DH insist he wanted to scale down?

Did you benefit out of this situation in terms of career progression? Your DH must have given up some kind of career? Have you acknowledged that? You just sound so resentful of him it’s as though you’ve never spoken about the set up.

Who decided on private schools? Both of you?

You imply you don’t have shared finances?

If you switch this round to the man doing 80 hour weeks and then being resentful and dismissive of his wife then the answers would be different. Imagine a man moaning that his wife who earns very little/nothing never takes him out for dinner.

Mindful chef is cooking. I do this 3 times a week. It definitely doesn’t make itself! It just means I don’t have to think about what to buy.

The only thing I agree with you is that he should do more cleaning as he has time.

Who cooks the food for the kids?

I’d love to know how long you’ve been working these long hours as he could have been doing years of childcare/school pick ups etc. whilst you focused on your career. And now resent him for it..

OP what are your usual hours? 50 hours a week with no commute is really just working from home 8:00-6:30 5 days a week. It's much like working 40 hours FT plus an hour's commute each way - which loads of people do and still then come home and cook themselves dinner.

80 hours is really quite different.

We need to know what you actually work to make sense of this.

@thelobsterquadrille are you the lazy freeloading H? You think it's acceptable for an adult to contribute nothing financially and that his children should change schools to facilitate his leisure time?

All of the people ignoring this are simply too blind to their own narrative to actually pay attention to what this scenario is actually about. A lazy arse husband who won't get a real job.

Except the OP didn't come on and say something like this:

I'm currently working very long hours and whilst we are fortunate enough to afford private education for DC, I'd really like to reduce my hours a bit at work because it's all a bit intense. DH currently worked part time, which worked well when the children were younger, but now I think we really need to have a discussion about his hours so I can have a bit more balance.

She started a thread moaning that a SAHP (that isn't actually a SAHP) doesn't have her dinner on the table when she gets in, he's a bit lazy, needs to do more at home, needs a better job, and has probably got far too used to being a 'kept' man.

The OP doesn't have to work 50/60/80 hour weeks and when resentment is building over a family set up, it's good to review the circumstances for the family, but the OP's posts seem a bit woe is me when actually they have a huge amount of choice as a family.

Why does she have to make these choices though when her DH could just get a job that actually pays something?

Yes they do have choices and if it no longer works for the OP for her DH to 'work' yet earn no money and do little around the home then it no longer works for either of them. These type of set ups need both parties to be on board. OP no longer is and is somehow painted as some ungrateful, abusive work aholic who is entirley responsible for her own unhappiness when in fact she is unhappily bankrolling a hobby job for someone who doesn't seem to contribute much to the home beyond lifts for the DC and picking up ironing.

This in spades!

Yeah, that's exactly what I said

The set up worked for her when the kids were younger. But now, despite him being out of the job market for a good 10 years she wants him to work more and earn more money. What kind of job do we think he’ll be able to get? A minimum wage job.

This happens in reverse quite often. Workaholic husband is more than happy for the DW to give up her job and cover all the childcare/parenting when they are young. (And this is a big job). But when the kids are older suddenly she’s not pulling her weight, she’s a leech on him! Only what job is she qualified to do now? This situation is as much as the OP’s doing as the husbands..

Why are you working so much?

To be fair, OP might well be happy if her OH did not work at all but instead did more around the house. They would be no worse off.

He hasn't been out of a job though has he. He apparently already works in a sector that can make money but he does not.

I don't know how old the OP is but in a few years time both DCs will likely be at uni or working, if they are say mid forties or even early 50s now is it acceptable that the DH never contributes financially again, OP could have 20 years to retirement while the DH does not even pull his weight around the home and instead uses a large chunk of his time on an uneconomic business.

If the OP was to leave despite sharing assets the DH would be obliged to find work to support himself.

Of course he doesn’t!
How in the grand scheme of things, and when working part time, is what he does considered plenty?

Sounds like he needs to get employed work rather than a hobby he doesnt make money from. Quite the life of riley it sounds like.

Tell him he needs to start contributing so you can pare down your hours or hes getting close to being shipped out. No ifs or buts. He needs to get a job.

This one just depends on lifestyle aims. Does DH want a simple lifestyle, no holidays, kids in state school? It’s not wrong to want this.

But if he does want his kids at private school, he is being unreasonable about not contributing more at home OR financially. He does sound a bit lazy. OP could work less and downsize or something maybe?maybe OP should plan to reduce expenditure so she can work less.

These type of set ups need both parties to be on board. OP no longer is and is somehow painted as some ungrateful, abusive work aholic who is entirley responsible for her own unhappiness when in fact she is unhappily bankrolling a hobby job for someone who doesn't seem to contribute much to the home beyond lifts for the DC and picking up ironing
I agree both parties need to be on board, but I'm also a little cautious of taking OP at face value given she describes someone who works 25 hours a week as a SAHP, a 'kept' man, decides his cooking doesn't count as cooking etc.

It's seen a lot on threads with a SAHM where the workaholic dad puts in long hours and then likes to complain that his wife hasn't done X, Y, Z to his standard/ he thinks she should have done more housework/now the children are teens he's suddenly annoyed and resents being the breadwinner but the reality is that in many situations he only managed to work those sorts of hours and build his earnings because there was another parent picking up the slack at home.

A man who wrote a post about how lazy and awful his wife is for only working 25 hours a week, saying she's too used to be 'kept' and when he's working 80 hours a week he wants his tea on the table would rightly be told where to go.

Division of employment, financial responsibilities and domestic responsibility should always be up for discussion between a couple though.