SAHP not doing enough and should work harder.

[Hottubby]

AIBU?
I am the main breadwinner, work up to 80 hours/6-7 days a week sometimes. My DH works part time (potential to earn and work more but just doesn’t and hasn’t for many many years) and contributes very little financially.
I am frustrated he isn’t doing enough, but friends think I am being unfair.
I do all the life admin, finances- literally everything, pay for most things including all holidays, meals out etc on top of usual mortgage and most bills.
I do cleaning and some cooking.

He does- dog walks, all washing, takes and collects ironing from ironing service, DIY, occasional food shopping and meals only if brown and goes in the oven or mindful chef, occasional gardening, ferries kids to activities (kids are older).

I think he should do more, either work more and contribute financially or help with cooking and life admin.

AIBU or do we have the balance right? I’m increasingly frustrated with it all.

Did he work more or did you work less when you chose to put the children in private school and buy a massive house etc? Did he push for these things and that lifestyle or was it you?

The obvious problem here isn’t your DP’s hours but the fact you are working 14 hours 6 or 7 days a week. Do you ever see your children? Surely no private schooling is worth more to their lives than actually being able to see their mum and spend quality time with her? Education isn’t worth much in adulthood if your emotional well-being wasn’t considered by your parents. If your DP worked this many hours too would your children ever see either parent or would you just outsource their care?

It sounds like you live to work and your DH works to live. Who would walk the dog, be there for the kids, do the washing, DIY etc if he worked all the hours God gave like you?

Oh yes she is sooooo abusive and controlling that this man gets away with earning no money and doing very little around the house.

Ok then.

Of course she gets angry, so would I.

The OP said that the children are "older" but still need driving to "activities" by her husband (whilst simultaneously claiming that they don't need parenting, just money).

We don't know what she means by "older" but as she didn't say and chooses to describe someone working a 25 hour week as a SAHP, I suspect at least one is quite young - probably pre teen.

I get angry if I get home after a 14 hour day and there is no meal made for me.

I agree that this part isn't reasonable at all. He's capable of learning to cook a bit better.

This is important

What's a healthy model for the children?

Which parent do they talk to and have a relationship with?

Lots of people telling me I’m a shit mum because I work so much. Probably. Possibly.
I do all school stuff, homework, emotional support, sports on my day off, spend proper 1:1 time (trips away, breakfast, trips out) on my day off and after work. Covid they went to school as my job meant they were eligible and DH didn’t manage the school work. He did more than me of sick days when they were little for sure and I am grateful.
And ultimately I alone make sure they have a roof over their head.
But yes lots to reflect on as I probably am being a rubbish mum. This makes me very sad.

You're a living saint OP

It sounds like has an MUJ!

A made up job. This is where someone claims to work, talks a big talk about whatever it is they apparently do, but in fact is not actually earning meaningful money (eg at least minimum wage for the hours they claim to be engaging in said MUJ).

You're just another one of those people that only sees value in work and how much money is coming in.

He does loads. You are being very unreasonable.

You are not a shit mum. You are fucking funding the roof over their head and the food on the table.

Whilst he may be working 25 hours a week, it’s not really a job if he’s not earning anything from it - it’s more like volunteering

Well, it might be that he's tinkering with a "job" so he can have some free time and is a bit of a CF.

But 25 hours a week is basically within school hours, and then there are school holidays to cover where OP is clearly not there most of the time so is this job adaptable to term-time versus holiday-time demands?

Or it might be, as is the case for many people who are the main carer parent and have been for some time (more often women), that even if it's a hobby-job type arrangement or might as well be volunteering, it is nevertheless good for his mental health, his future job prospects, his NI contributions for a state pension if the children are over 12 and he's not getting his pension protection for being the main carer (which he might not if you are over the Child Benefit threshold). And that it would be hard to get a "proper job" at present that actually fits around their precise family needs, especially if the other partner isn't ever available to pick up children or look after a sick one.

I really appreciate all the replies.
Trying to answer lots of points- Kids are 14 and 16. They walk to school. No school runs.
I also don’t get angry that I don’t have a meal cooked after work, I am resentful. If he is home 3-4 hours sooner than me that is it really that unreasonable? I cook for him if I finish work first or am off.

Ok, so it looks like it's more complicated than your initial post. I will retract my vote.

You can work from home you know lol.

Op doesn’t say he does all the cooking and sports days at all though. These are just things you made up.

its obviously hit a nerve as you maybe are a sahm. But that’s not relevant to ops position

Do they walk in all weathers and to all clubs? Who takes them to friends houses/exercise/extra curricular stuff?

You said your kids don’t need anything but lifts and money. Then later said you provide all emotional support, do trips out , etc etc. How can anyone form a proper opinion when the info keeps changing or being drip fed ??

But a sahm is surely one that doesn’t work outwith the home. Ie someone who doesn’t have a job and isn’t self employed

Have you suggested he needs to stop ‘working for himself’ earning basically nothing and needs to get a proper job?

Seems like the issue here is you’re pissed of, tired and resentful you have to work so many hour to pay for the families needs because his self employment isn’t paying enough if anything at all.

Would you be able to cut back on hours and have more of a quality of life if he would earn more by working for someone?

I have a feeling you would and it might help the situation you’ve found yourself in. Yes he may work for himself but if he’s not bringing home any money then that needs to be addressed.

I don’t think you sound like a shit mum, but if you’re working 80 hours 6/7 days a week you’re not a very present one. You seem to think holidays/ meals out/ day trips etc are needed to have ‘quality time’ on your single day off each week but honestly, if you worked less and couldn’t afford those things anymore surely in the long run that would be better for your kids than having a great mum who you hardly get to spend time with. You sound like a ‘Disney dad’ type of parent. It’s not the big flashy days out that your kids will come to value once they’re adults, it’s more likely the time spent with all the day-to-day stuff which you’re missing out on if you’re working 14 hour days 6 days a week. Cut back your work, ditch some of the holidays and days out and you’ll probably all be happier.

I'd be really pissed off if my partner worked 6 or 7 days a week every week. It's not fair on the rest of the family to be essentially opting out of family life.

Some amazing posts on here. Pretty certain if the words 'husband' and 'dad' were switched for 'wife' and 'mum' lots of the responses would be quite different.

OP, you don't say what it is you do or what your husband does, so it's hard to say if he is being U by not being more ambitious in the way you would like. I mean, this is the man you married. Presumably you knew what he was like and what he was likely to do? Did it not bother you then?

Could it be that him doing the "lesser" career when the kids were little suited you back then because it meant less inconvenience for you and you could plough ahead with your 80 hour weeks. Now the kids are older, you are using it as a stick to beat him with? If so, this is unfair. If he had facilitated your 80 hour weeks, there is a trade off - ie. his earning potential has been compromised. You can't just click your fingers and say, "Right come on then, kids done, earn the same as me now...," You've had years of progress in a way he's not (regardless of whether he would have wanted ti if 80 hour weeks or not).

It depends what he does. Put it this way - if, as if tomorrow, he was out of the house from 7am to 9pm or something like that, can you honestly say you would cope? It's hard to say how much "headspace" he carries for the family, without knowing his personality and what he does.

For what it's worth OP, I don't think you are coming across as a shit mum. I don't think you are doing anything different to all the dads that work all the hours to be bread winner and you are providing for your children financially.

However, I do think like many breadwinners who value their career in the same way, you are forgetting that your DH is not working as much which allows you to work as much as you do. Your DH isn't able to work more hours if you work all hours as someone needs to be around for the kids. If this isn't what you want anymore, the it's time for a chat with DH. If your not sure of the hours he works, you need to ask and he needs to be honest. Sounds like a lot of resentment has built up from not knowing what hours he does and what he is doing with his days.

Tea on the table if you are working part time from home is pretty easy, slow cooker dump bags are so easy so I do think your DH can manage to do that.