SAHP not doing enough and should work harder.

[Hottubby]

AIBU?
I am the main breadwinner, work up to 80 hours/6-7 days a week sometimes. My DH works part time (potential to earn and work more but just doesn’t and hasn’t for many many years) and contributes very little financially.
I am frustrated he isn’t doing enough, but friends think I am being unfair.
I do all the life admin, finances- literally everything, pay for most things including all holidays, meals out etc on top of usual mortgage and most bills.
I do cleaning and some cooking.

He does- dog walks, all washing, takes and collects ironing from ironing service, DIY, occasional food shopping and meals only if brown and goes in the oven or mindful chef, occasional gardening, ferries kids to activities (kids are older).

I think he should do more, either work more and contribute financially or help with cooking and life admin.

AIBU or do we have the balance right? I’m increasingly frustrated with it all.

So he’s fannying about with some hobby business, making a loss and refusing to pull his weight in the house? Is he fuck facilitating your working, he’s forcing it.

Do you love him? Does he make you feel cared for? Does he act like your needs matter? Point blank, is this a relationship and a way of life you want to maintain longer term?

Your thread title is very misleading and YABU

I agree the thread title is misleading. He’s fiddling round with his hobby and shirking, rather than actually working at anything. The OP however is not being unreasonable l don’t think

I imagine if this was the other way round there would be different responses. You DH is the one there for your DCs if you are working 80 hours. They need a parent around to listen to them, to talk to them. ExH and I were like this. Now separated he has no real relationship with DS as he never spent time with them.

What are both your jobs?

They say you can't change another person, only yourself. Perhaps think about changing your own behaviour to bring about a change in your husband. From experience of being a SAHM, I know there were days when I was busy doing stuff around the home with very little to show for it. When my DH is decorating, it takes three times longer than I expect. I would have been demoralised if my husband had come home and said I wasn't doing enough.

I don't have answers but you need to have a think about what you can do differently. Communicate without it coming across as nagging and discontent on your part.

Exactly and it is what will be bringing some defensive replies from actual SAHP's which this man is clearly not. Perhaps she could spend some time with her children if he went and got an actual job or worked harder at his business.

What does he actually do all day?

25 hours a week is quite a lot.

He has 2 days more than the average working person. It sounds like he does a fair chunk, but the issue is that you have less disposable time as you work mad hours.

He needs to step up financially so you can outsource more, or step up and do more, or step up so you can reduce your work hours.

You have left out all the parenting OP. If this has been going on for years then he has been parenting them solo.

If he hasn’t been there there is no way you would have been able to work the hours you have and to presumably progress in your career and increase your earning potential.

You have mentioned that you pay for everything and that he has only paid to take you for dinner twice. So, you are married with DC, he has been the primary carer for years (as well as working part-time, although you are scathing about his business), you claim he doesn’t earn anything - what access to money does he have, if you have separate finances?

Who looked after DC during the pandemic ? Did you stop working then or did you carry on?

Who did sick days, emergency pick ups, school events, kids admin?

They are teenagers. Teenagers still need a LOT, in a different way. How would you know that though? you are not there on a day to day basis.

Who is there for them when they come in and need to chat about their day? Who checks that they have done their homework? Who ferries them about to their clubs? It isn’t you.

What is his skill/work?
You can afford an ironing service. How many hours ironing is that?

How do you even have a relationship if youre working so many hours? Do you even see each other much? Hes not your staff.
If you think he needs to contribute more money then thats fair enough, but would the children look after the dogs if he went full time?

So how many hours does he actually put in?

25hrs work
how many ferrying kids around?
how many DIY?
how many cooking/cleaning?

he’s facilitating you working 80 hours a week.

If you work 80 hours a week 6-7 days a week then I assume all of the parenting has always been left to him?

I think the balance is very unfair but it sounds like he isn’t able to get more hours due to childcare reasons.

The PT person should absolutely be doing the majority of housework and cooking etc and I would start with this as a conversation.

If the DCs are old enough that they can get themselves to and from places and be left on their own then maybe it’s time you both did a 40 hour week.

If you've been working 80 hrs a week, then at least he has 'been there' for the kids. He has been there after school when they tell you stuff, when they mention that important thing.
Let's not underestimate the important job the parent in the home does.
He's been the anchor, sitting there in the car after school, after the activity etc.
The free/part time/flexible parent is the one who provides the anchor point in the home.
That's of utmost importance when you have kids.
Parenting is much more than the allocation of jobs. If he wasn't able to be free to collect them and ferry them about, then that'd be a grave loss to your children's lives.

If he's working 25 hours a week but making hardly any money and sometimes making a loss (I quote! 😯) then that is absolutely ridiculous. A very serious conversation needs to be had.

So this leech has enabled the OP to progress in her career to the stage where they have enough money to send the kids to private school, have many holidays and eat in a way that many families can only imagine.

The man has even gone to work after the kids are of an age to go to school and does the majority of the work at home including providing meals as soon as the OP walks in.

If the OP was a man they would have had their balls handed to them on a plate.

But this post shows that for some on MN men just can't win.

I really hope that this is a reverse. just to see the egg on the faces of those that are slating this man.

She has to work though as her dh doesn’t make any money and even a loss.

op I think he needs to step up and get a job. Being self employed isn’t working for him

If you hadn't mentioned private school I'd have thought you were a friend of mine.

Her DH had his own business that went down the pan because of lockdowns, and he spends his time being SAHP to two teens who are at school all day. He seems to have just settled into the role whether she likes it or not!

Well aren’t you delightful. I work 25 hours a week and I also race around after two young children doing school runs, classes after school etc. I’m not a fucking stay at home parent- I work part time and contribute to our bills and also ensure our kids get to and from school. I literally don’t bloody sit down.

if my husband spoke about me the way you speak about yours - I’d be utterly livid.

you are able to work the hours you do precisely because your husband does the hours he does. I’d love to work more hours and get a better job, but you know, supporting the main earner and all that?

but apparently I’m just a SAHP

All of this!

80 hours a week - so basically no time with the children, completely opted out of parenting.

I'm a sahp who part-time brings in roughly 18k a year it would be more but DH always plays the trump time card.

I never know what time he's getting home so I've stopped thinking about food for him. He's generally gone out with colleagues and not told me, or got home early and not told me, he just doesn't think I'm worth informing in advance.
He's pretty critical of anything - Jamie Oliver recipe, Hello Fresh box, standard meals stretched with lentils and veg.
So there's no joy in surprising him with a little le creuset dish, kept warm.

He'll say about all the life admin but the mot is always a panic but he won't calender flag it or hand it over.
I booked the complicated Disney trip, organise dog & Childcare schedules for single nights away. But adding me to a work flight or booking an airport carpark is him booking holidays.

DH gets a packet and promotion and a generally positive appraisal, I get no acknowledgement for quietly restocking the loo roll and herding the dust bunnies. I got no credit for supervising his brother's dogs for a fortnight and being there over and over again for tired teenagers, insecure teenagers or heartbroken teenagers. I'd like my husband asp much more if he actually said something positive about my contribution to supporting & totally facilitating his life.
I hope my girls grow up to lead happy, single, child free lives so they can focus on themselves.

I am also the main breadwinner, I work long hours, 7 days a week, including on holiday, it’s my own company so needs must and it means we have a nice life.

My DH works approx 25-30hrs a week and I don’t know how we’d function if he worked full time as well! I am grateful that he is there to pick up the slack I drop from the hours I work. We are a team and there is no resentment either way.

Some of the replies on here are mind blowing, and would be very different if the roles were reversed. If someone posted on here saying my DH wants me to work more and do more round the house there would be LTB left, right and centre!
Does your DH demand and expect the holidays and lifestyle you fund? If so YANBU. if it’s you wanting him to support lifestyle choices you have made and he doesn’t want/expect then YABU.

You shouldn’t put up with a relationship you are deeply unhappy in but you also shouldn’t be trying to change your partner to be who you want them to be.

Working 80 hours a week is your decision, though, surely? Why do you work such long hours? When do you see your h and dc?

You need to sit down and talk to him about this. Say what you'd like - a meal at night, for example.

You should have equal amounts of free time, and it's reasonable to expect him to work 37 hours a week (or work 25 then do chores, housework etc for 12 hours) but don't expect him to overwork himself to match you.

Did you miss the bit where he makes hardly any money in spite of his skills being in demand AND SOMETIMES MAKES A LOSS??

I don't think many people on here are going to have egg on their faces...

What rubbish- how has he “enabled” op to “progress her career”? Why does he get credit for her hard work?

op tells us he works very little as self employed and often doesn’t make any profit at all. He doesn’t seem to do a disproportionate amount of chores. I would say the same if the sexes were reversed. No one has the right to except to live off someone else.

But why are you putting up with this? You have a choice.