SAHP not doing enough and should work harder.

[Hottubby]

AIBU?
I am the main breadwinner, work up to 80 hours/6-7 days a week sometimes. My DH works part time (potential to earn and work more but just doesn’t and hasn’t for many many years) and contributes very little financially.
I am frustrated he isn’t doing enough, but friends think I am being unfair.
I do all the life admin, finances- literally everything, pay for most things including all holidays, meals out etc on top of usual mortgage and most bills.
I do cleaning and some cooking.

He does- dog walks, all washing, takes and collects ironing from ironing service, DIY, occasional food shopping and meals only if brown and goes in the oven or mindful chef, occasional gardening, ferries kids to activities (kids are older).

I think he should do more, either work more and contribute financially or help with cooking and life admin.

AIBU or do we have the balance right? I’m increasingly frustrated with it all.

Do you have equal leisure time? Surely that is the measure as to whether you contribute equally?

Me and DH try and work an equal amount because we know we’ve resent each other and grow apart if we didn’t split everything down the middle. You need to have a proper conversation about life goals and work life balance rather than focusing on the small issue of chores.

Is your job very low paid OP? If you have to work so many hours to manage a family of 4 then perhaps you need to look for something better paid.

Why don't you encourage him to find an employer rather than being self employed?

He works 25 have ours per week - he isn't a sahp so your title is inaccurate and deliberately misleading.

If you work 80 hours per week in the UK or Europe and barely making enough to put food on the table you're making a very poor choice indeed. You want to be seen as a martyr but it seems more likely you're a workaholic.

Your children need an emotionally available parent and you can't be that working 11 hours per day, 7 days per week. As evidenced by the fact that you think they don't need anything from either parent except money. Unless they're over 18 this just shows how out of touch with your children you are.

Of course her job isn’t low paid, she has kids in private school. The obvious answer is he stops doing the ‘job’ which is actually costing you money and picks up all the home tasks. It’s ridiculous to do all life admin when you’re working those hours.

This paints you in an absolutely terrible light.

I suspect that anyone who voted that you're not unreasonable haven't read this far.

He isn't a SAHP at all.

So essentially he's 'working' but not contributing anything financially? In which case he needs to stop his hobby (because it's not work) and take on the complete running of the house.

It would be lovely to sit around and spend time on something you loved to do but unfortunately life happens and he needs to contribute to the household. And he's happy to watch you work yourself into the ground to support this?

I bet youv

If a bloke said he expected dinner on the table when he got home there would be uproar!

To the posters saying he isn't a SAHP - no he's not he's even worse. He can't take on the running of the house because he's wasting time doing something that means he cannot even contribute financially. A complete leech.

25 hours isn’t a sahp. Issue seems to be he’s not making money in those 25 hours. Full time is 35/37 hours a week. Obviously depends on kids/activities but that could be hours of ferrying a week plus he sounds like he does more than 50% at home. Your hours aren’t sustainable. You need a total rethink.

So essentially he's neither - not a working parent that contributes or a SAHP. So what the actual fuck is he?

I bet you’ve got a big old chunk of equity in your house though.
Remortgage on a fixed rate, longer period, bring your repayments right down, bigger mortgage (effectively drawing out from the equity if necessary) to cover private fees until end Y11. Loads of teens transfer to state at Y12, some to game the contextual offers system.
Work less hours.
Divorce husband.

If my husband got 'angry' with me for not having his dinner on the table, he'd get a cold plateful of fucks

So in reality then there are 2 options.

1. his ‘job’ is merely a hobby, not a money making opportunity
2. he is earning, but keeping it for himself

either way, it IS an issue and need addressing properly. Just getting stroppy and resentful achieves nothing

We had almost this exact set up for a decade, DH crazy long hours and me on 25. DS was dropped off by a mixture of both of us and I always collected. He had a 25 mile commute each way, I had a 5 mile commute each way.

I did all food shopping and cooking
He did all bill paying though I sorted out my own car insurance, MOT, tax.
School stuff like world book day costume and signing for trips was me
He had a direct debt to pay for school dinners
Laundry was very much shared
We had a cleaner once a week
He did most gardening and bins
Stuff like birthday presents for family was very much if it’s your side then you sort it same at Christmas.

I was earning about 21k and he was on about 52k, this was over a decade ago.

I think if you’re kids are ‘older’ but still kids that need taking to activities (I’m thinking younger teens?) then they need much more than money and lifts. How sad. Do you really just transfer money into their bank accounts and consider your job as a parent done?

Well, you're spending money on private school - that is a luxury, not an essential. 25 hours a week working makes him not a SAHP. You both need to sort out your lives - by cutting your cloth and you by greatly reducing your hours, because if nothing else yours are not healthy. Your teens will survive state school.

And your DH needs to learn to cook things which are not brown and shove in the oven, but so should your teens.

The only parent present in their children's lives by the sound of things

You sound very resentful that you work 80 hours and earn most of the money. Can't you work less and have a better quality of life? There's more to life than work. I don't anyone who works 80 hours a week!! My DH is a complete workaholic but I don't think he does more than 50 hours (60 on a bad week).

I think there are 3 options:

1. He alters the way he works so that it generates a proper income (at least minimum wage for the hours he works). He might need advice from an accountant business coach to achieve this. If this option is taken I'd put a time limit on it, say 6 months.

2. He stops working and takes over all household duties and you drop the paid support for this (ironing service etc)

3. He gets a normal part time job that actually generates an income (and comes with paid holiday etc).

If you go for option 1 and it doesn't work out then he goes for options 2 or 3.

Sounds like my huband but I appreciate we’re different as I know I couldn’t get on with someone like me!!! Haha.
I do all the life admin but he’s useless as it, apart from that if I want him to do something I am very direct and ask him, it’s tiresome in itself but better than being resentful. If you want a meal when you get home text him when you’re about to leave work and ask him to cook you dinner? If he starts being arsey about specific tasks you’re asking him to pick up then I’d be having a word. Good luck!

The DC might be older now but when they're younger they can be quite demanding with the amount of time taken up to fulfill all the parenting requirements. You haven't said your DC are screwing up so I assume your DP has done a good job whilst you've been doing your bit working to pay the bills.

It's not so easy for the DP who stayed focusing on the dc to hit the ground running in terms of career/work after this responsibility - as many MN threads have proved, it's a situation that needs to be eased into. I'm not disagreeing that a new work/life balance between both of you needs to be found, but mutual respect is the best way to find this.

Another way of looking at it is, that if your DP had been more 'work-driven'' than you, you might have been the one left to bear the dc responsibilities and be even more resentful thaan you are now.

I think people are being harsh OP. He sounds lazy and uselss and I would be pissed off also.

Your DC are teens so no childcare or taking them to bloody softplay. He isn't doing housework or life admin. Isn't cooking and isn't earning money.

What is the point of staying with him?