To encourage my (ASD) DS to attend a party that he has only heard about via someone else, not the host?

[restorativejustice]

My DS (16) is autistic. He wasn't diagnosed until he was 11 and had left primary school. One of the key ways it manifests is issues with understanding social cues (and sometimes NT ways of behaving). He left primary school with a small group of friends (lets call them John, Tom, James and Jack here) but was slightly peripheral to the group. John is an unusually kind, sensitive and diplomatic boy and has maintained contact and meets up with DS now and then.

DS hasn't made friends in secondary school so John - and very very occasionally Tom, James and Jack too - are the only people he socialises with, and only once a month or less. My DS is a very happy, amiable and generally well-balanced kid with lots of interests including one particular area that he excels at, spends most of his free time on and is likely to study at university. I am fervently hoping he will make friends once he can focus on his special interest full-time.

John told my DS that there is a reunion next weekend of the whole primary school class (25 kids) in Tom's house and my DS was excited about this and at the prospect of seeing all his class again and going to a party as he has only been invited to a few small D&D/pizza type parties since leaving primary school, and only ever by the John, Tom etc group. But my DS didn't receive an invitation from the host himself, and so I wonder if they intended to include him or not, and whether I should dissuade or encourage him from going?

I know Tom's mum well, do you think it would be completely awkward overkill if I called and asked her? DS has often been excluded in the past, I'll assume not out of cruelty, but because he didn't engage much with others and would get upset at misbehaviour by others so he could have been a drag on other kids in getting very emotional about what they thought were minor things when he was 8-9-10 years old. He's more relaxed now.

Sorry for the long explanation - and if anyone has any ideas about how to encourage a boy with ASD to socialise more, please do let me know as he enjoys social contact but just can't seem to initiate it despite much encouragement and discussion of strategies. He's involved in lots of clubs and sport etc, so it's not for want of contact with others who have shared interests.

And for anyone who thinks I shouldn't be involved with a 16 year old's social life well, it's just how things are with my DS who needs a lot of support in this area.

That's funny about the fleece! And yes my DD does deserve thanks - I sometimes have to remember to focus on her and my other DS as the 16 year old often needs more involvement. Thankfully they're pretty close and get along together so far.

The 'rule breaking' is definitely a thing, my DS probably alienated some of the kids in his class at primary as he'd get upset if people weren't following school rules etc. He's calmed down a bit on that front but it's best if he knows not to be too concerned if there's people at the party drinking alcohol, vaping etc

How did the party go?? 😀

I hope no additional needs child or their parent ever comes within ten metres of you.

Thank you! Can't say it's always easy but hopefully the party will be an interesting experience as DS's world has been relatively narrow and it might help demystify what many of his peers get up to socially. And yes, there always has to be a proviso that unexpected things might happen, and that we can chat about that afterwards.

It's next week, so will update then if you like!

I hope your ds has a great time at the party. What a lovely friend and family he has!

I hope he has a lovely time.

Yes please do update us. I hope your ds and friends have a great party!!

Sounds great.
have you ran him through what alcohol feels like? And also what tiredness and overwhelm feels like. I know you probably no all this but with us it was every last ladder rung of detail that we had to do and some completely missed.just because you don’t think of them do you. So the overwhelming and tiredness they didn’t understand and got them feeling worse and panicked and even more overwhelmed! So we had to go right down to explaining what or figuring out what their tiredness ques were and overload.
we did the code too.that if they felt off they sent the word to us and we figured a way out of there or to settle them. Teenage years are tough aren’t they.

Is this his first.
do you think it would be easier if his friends or others he meets new about his diognosis ?

Yes, first proper party. And maybe it would be easier if they knew but I’m leaving that up to DS. Besides, they’re aware that he’s a bit different and of the whole group only 3-4 are his friends.

Well with the alcohol he says he doesn't ever want to drink and I've just said maybe he could try a beer at home some time and see what he thinks, it's not something to be scared of but probably not a great idea to have more than one or two, and about how it affects people if they are drunk. Not sure if that's the right way to handle it tbh!
We've talked about how to recognise if you're tired or overwhelmed and he has a good sense of that now, he used get meltdowns quite frequently before we understood his profile and he hasn't in a few years, I think since we're all more attuned to him. He's definitely an example of why diagnosis can be very helpful.

@twoandcooplease @DistrictCommissioner @roundtable @XelaM @GoldenCupidon and all you lovely people who wished my DS well at his first proper teen party!
It was last night and went fine, he was a bit nervous but looked great after styling advice from DD and seemed happier once he brought a gift for the host's mum (his idea, we knew she'd be there). Unfortunately his friend John decided he'd try out weed for the first time and had to be put to bed! But DS was ok with it (if a little taken aback) and ended up playing table tennis with other kids he knows well for most of the night. He was in very chatty form afterwards but needed to take it easy today as he was 'a bit peopled out.' So - all good, and thanks so much to all you lovely people for your support on here. When this place works, it really works.

@restorativejustice as if you just brought a little tear to my eye, I am so so happy ds had a great time. And, if anything, he's learned a lot from being there ❤️ great great update thank you for sharing xxx

That’s sooooooooooooooooo lovely to read!! Sounds like he experienced that kind of fun for the first time as a young adult and he navigated it perfectly. Well done DS, may you have many more delightful parties xx

This is such a lovely update and has given me hope for my own ND DD, nearly 16, who is on the cusp of party-going.

I’m so glad it went well for him! Sounds like he coped well with the surprises of a teen party & great he enjoyed it.

Brilliant update OP!

Don't know why I was so invested in this but thanks for the positive update and well done to him and hope John is OK 😉

So pleased about this update @restorativejustice. Sometimes reading mumsnet makes you believe the world is a hard place and no one cares about anyone else, you have reminded me that people are generally excellent. So very glad for your son.

Yes please.
I'm over invested in this.
Even if he doesn't enjoy it that much (and I very much hope he does) it will be a great step for him.
I do so hope he does enjoy it.
Your dd sounds lovely.

Brilliant to read. Thank you for coming back to us. Well done to your DS! And to you and his Dsis! Dream team.

OP I was following your thread but didn't post - however just wanted to say thank you for the update and I'm so glad things went well for your DS😊

Yay 😀 so glad it went well!

Yeah I'd ring Tom's mum and just say ds came home talking about it and you want to steer him right so you wanted to check if it's a closed invite party or if its open and ds can attend. Make it really clear either is fine you just wanted to get the lay of the land so you can advise him as he doesn't pick up on social cues and seemed to hear about it from a mutual friend.