To encourage my (ASD) DS to attend a party that he has only heard about via someone else, not the host?

[restorativejustice]

My DS (16) is autistic. He wasn't diagnosed until he was 11 and had left primary school. One of the key ways it manifests is issues with understanding social cues (and sometimes NT ways of behaving). He left primary school with a small group of friends (lets call them John, Tom, James and Jack here) but was slightly peripheral to the group. John is an unusually kind, sensitive and diplomatic boy and has maintained contact and meets up with DS now and then.

DS hasn't made friends in secondary school so John - and very very occasionally Tom, James and Jack too - are the only people he socialises with, and only once a month or less. My DS is a very happy, amiable and generally well-balanced kid with lots of interests including one particular area that he excels at, spends most of his free time on and is likely to study at university. I am fervently hoping he will make friends once he can focus on his special interest full-time.

John told my DS that there is a reunion next weekend of the whole primary school class (25 kids) in Tom's house and my DS was excited about this and at the prospect of seeing all his class again and going to a party as he has only been invited to a few small D&D/pizza type parties since leaving primary school, and only ever by the John, Tom etc group. But my DS didn't receive an invitation from the host himself, and so I wonder if they intended to include him or not, and whether I should dissuade or encourage him from going?

I know Tom's mum well, do you think it would be completely awkward overkill if I called and asked her? DS has often been excluded in the past, I'll assume not out of cruelty, but because he didn't engage much with others and would get upset at misbehaviour by others so he could have been a drag on other kids in getting very emotional about what they thought were minor things when he was 8-9-10 years old. He's more relaxed now.

Sorry for the long explanation - and if anyone has any ideas about how to encourage a boy with ASD to socialise more, please do let me know as he enjoys social contact but just can't seem to initiate it despite much encouragement and discussion of strategies. He's involved in lots of clubs and sport etc, so it's not for want of contact with others who have shared interests.

And for anyone who thinks I shouldn't be involved with a 16 year old's social life well, it's just how things are with my DS who needs a lot of support in this area.

That's a good update. I'd have felt so much better in your DS's position if I knew that Tom knew I was coming. It might still be nerve-wracking arriving alone, but at least he knows John will be there, and that you'll give him an escape route if he needs it. I hope it goes well and he has fun.

1.) you sound like a top mum. Well done.

2.) John sounds like a legend. what a nice chap

Glad to read a good update! I would say a lot of 16yos are really understanding about social differences now, so they are likely to be more accepting than some of the adults on this thread.

Just as a more general point, if he's in Y11 now, and he's considering sixth form, it might be worth looking at sixth form colleges too- they can be a great transition between school and uni, and a great way for him to meet new, like minded people. There's often more clubs etc than you'd get at a school sixth form too- which is again a great way to meet like minded people.

I know it can seem like a huge jump, and staying with familiar teachers etc might seem "safer" but it might help him prepare for uni whilst still living at home?

Obvious ignore if he's in Y12, and this doesn't apply!

I hope he has a good time at the party.

My honest opinion? I think contacting the mother is the absolute worst thing you can do.

It all sounds like a very nice, sweet "school reunion" at someone's house. But in reality, kids can change a lot in just a few months at that age, and regardless of how nice Tom and his mother are (or were), this might be more of a get together with vodka and girls rather than a nice, twee catch up over cucumber sandwiches and cherryade.

I understand it's a minefield and I think it's great that you're supporting your son, but I think at 16 extra considerations are sometimes needed.

I think the way to go here is for your son to mention it to John and ask if it's ok for him to go too. You're doing great by helping him - but teaching him how to deal with rejection, be direct with friends and cope with the spontaneity of social situations is also worthwhile, and at 16 it may be more important than carefully planning everything.

I think sometimes its important to remember that dealing with nerves, being unsure, being rejected and getting things wrong is perfectly normal behaviour of all teens.

I don't think it's always appropriate to try and completely remove these pitfalls from all situations, and trying to may just make things worse. Maybe it's best to see how to deal with things from that angle, rather than the initiation side of things.

That said, I'm not trying to minimise his need for your help at all. I appreciate it must be very hard for him.

he often says how much he enjoys socialising and wishes he could do more.

I would consider the thought that, actually, he may be in his best situation as things stand. We all want to socialise more until the moment we don't want to socialise - then we want to socialise less! You can have too much of a good thing!

He's probably in a minority in that he's holidayed with his friend before, so that's a big tick in favour of him and his ability to socialise.

Great update. I hope he enjoys the evening.

Good update OP. Really hope he goes along and has a great time 🤞

I hope the party goes well for him. My DD is 12 and sounds very similar. On the spectrum and enjoys being a passive member of a social group/activity, just lacks the ‘activator’ bit.
It’s interesting for me that your son has chosen not to share his ASD diagnosis with his friends. My daughter doesn’t want her friends to know either.

I’ll assume you don’t have a child with ASD or other social difficulties.

I’ve just seen your update, OP. I hope it goes well for your DS.

I’ve similar DC but a party with 25 people from his primary school in a house would be his nightmare and I’d have to pull out something truly irresistible for him to consider it ( and still say no, ha!).

Fingers tightly crossed for your DS

Yay good luck to your son! Hope he has a blast at the party 😃

Thanks! And thanks everyone. His little sister is now giving him some advice on what to wear so he can look 'cool'. DS couldn't be less interested, but he does want to chat about how the party might go so he's 'properly ready.'

Just saw the last two updates. I feel your DS is going to be alright with such a supportive family (go little sister!) and friends around him. I hope he has a great time ❤️

My Ds has Asd ..i try and support him in this kind of circumstances. Getting him to dm john.. ok if if i tag along sounds a casual way in.

Thanks, hope so too!

Also - turns out the party is just the kids from his class in primary school who he knew from the age of 4 and who were very sweet to him when they were younger and wrote nice things about him when they were leaving primary school, so while he was socially awkward and didn't mix with them during their early teens when snogging and group identity seemed super high on the agenda, I think by this age of 16-17 they may be happy to see him and just might be a bit more sensitive to helping him socialise. He's pretty excited at the prospect of seeing them all even though he barely spoke to most of them by the end of school! And if he doesn't have a great time, at least he'll know what a party is like.

As a mum with ASD parenting a DS15 also with ASD it was really nice to see the level of support the OP received (apart from a few notable exceptions!) Parenting an ASD teen can be challenging in so many ways and I have always relied on my NT DH to advise us both on social etiquette.

I'm glad that it worked out well for your DS and that he has a fab time x

Yay! Sounds like he’s definitely invited. What fun 🤩

How do you prepare him?

Ignore this it doesn't take into acc the nd.

Just by talking it through at whatever level of detail he wants eg in terms of the party so far we’ve discussed how he'll get there, who’ll be at the party, that it might be noisy, how he might feel, what he’d do if he feels overwhelmed, what sort of conversations he might have, funny stories about primary school that he might recall and that the other guests might enjoy chatting about, that many of the kids will likely be drinking alcohol and how he feels about that, that he might be surprised by the way some people behave. He likes preparing in detail!

Great mum work! And thank the gods for “John” who sounds terrific.

I’ve been the sister in this situation, it can be a lot of work so remember to thank her some time. She will probably do more of your role as they get older. Still scarred from trying to take my sibling shopping for a coat befitting a young person in their first job (to replace the worLd’s oldest mankiest fleece) and many other such adventures in persuasion.

I think you’re doing a really good thing by prepping him, especially for any “rule breaking” (people drinking under 18 for example) so he doesn’t get overly worried about it. Hope he has a wonderful time!!

This thread is awesome 😎 Great work OP. I hope your son had a great time at the party!

I'm pleased to see the update. That ds text John. but I would still expect a text to Tom - it's his house, it's his party, that is polite.

They're 16 @Oblomov22 , so I wouldn't expect him to text Tom too!

You sound like an idiot

Love this. Very similar set up here, including the younger Dsis, who has ended up very mature because she’s had to be.

New situations always warrant as thorough a discussion of ´what ifs’ as possible. I’ve come to learn there’s always done thing we don’t cover though, and that’s ok. That’s how we’re kept on our toes!

You’re doing great, OP. So is DS.