To encourage my (ASD) DS to attend a party that he has only heard about via someone else, not the host?

[restorativejustice]

My DS (16) is autistic. He wasn't diagnosed until he was 11 and had left primary school. One of the key ways it manifests is issues with understanding social cues (and sometimes NT ways of behaving). He left primary school with a small group of friends (lets call them John, Tom, James and Jack here) but was slightly peripheral to the group. John is an unusually kind, sensitive and diplomatic boy and has maintained contact and meets up with DS now and then.

DS hasn't made friends in secondary school so John - and very very occasionally Tom, James and Jack too - are the only people he socialises with, and only once a month or less. My DS is a very happy, amiable and generally well-balanced kid with lots of interests including one particular area that he excels at, spends most of his free time on and is likely to study at university. I am fervently hoping he will make friends once he can focus on his special interest full-time.

John told my DS that there is a reunion next weekend of the whole primary school class (25 kids) in Tom's house and my DS was excited about this and at the prospect of seeing all his class again and going to a party as he has only been invited to a few small D&D/pizza type parties since leaving primary school, and only ever by the John, Tom etc group. But my DS didn't receive an invitation from the host himself, and so I wonder if they intended to include him or not, and whether I should dissuade or encourage him from going?

I know Tom's mum well, do you think it would be completely awkward overkill if I called and asked her? DS has often been excluded in the past, I'll assume not out of cruelty, but because he didn't engage much with others and would get upset at misbehaviour by others so he could have been a drag on other kids in getting very emotional about what they thought were minor things when he was 8-9-10 years old. He's more relaxed now.

Sorry for the long explanation - and if anyone has any ideas about how to encourage a boy with ASD to socialise more, please do let me know as he enjoys social contact but just can't seem to initiate it despite much encouragement and discussion of strategies. He's involved in lots of clubs and sport etc, so it's not for want of contact with others who have shared interests.

And for anyone who thinks I shouldn't be involved with a 16 year old's social life well, it's just how things are with my DS who needs a lot of support in this area.

Definitely don't try to arrange social gatherings for your son and his 16 year old friends Totally odd.

Have you considered your over-involvement in your TEENS social life might be one of the contributing factors to his lack of friends?

Phone Tom’s mum, she can confirm if it’s an open invite and if there’s any issue with your DS attending.

Check with the mum

I think if he's been invited by John (who is definitely very nice) I think it will be fine and he could certainly go along.

I imagine at 16 his parents aren't really involved with who is invited or anything of that nature (assuming they even know it's going ahead at all and they aren't away for the weekend or something!). Is it actually a hosted event or is it a bunch of 16yos going to be boozing and snogging?

Could DS message Tom and say "ok if I come along?" rather than you contacting Tom's mum?

Don't encourage him to attend things he isn't invited to, how horribly awkward for everyone.

Silly answer. The OP has explained the circumstance.

OP just ring the mother explaining that you weren't sure and didn't want to put anyone out etc. I am sure you will receive a warm response.

He should text the host and say “Alright if I come along?” or similar.

Would Tom's mum even know who was invited/not invited though?

I've let my teenaged kids have parties before, but I wouldn't have had a clue about personal invites!

Encourage your DS to message Tom, or clarify with John

It sounds to me that it could be a word of mouth type of gathering. I'd speak to the mum if that's something you can do easily

This is very unfair to the op.

Put your claws away

Good God , did you even bother to read the post?
In these circumstances I'd probably speak to John to check what he actually said before I rang
Hard line to walk

In answer to the OP, Johns invited him so he should go, would he be going with John?

Either do what @Chomolungma suggests -it's good practice for your son to put himself out there (but in a slightly safe way - by text!), or call Tom's mum.
My son is in the same boat as yours only he's 21 - he has absolutely no friends and I wish I'd been more involved when he was younger - I kept thinking it would 'happen' and it didn't, not even at uni. He's very lonely, and the onus is on DH and me to be his social life!

Oh look everyone. A post which deliberately ignores all context so they can snark at the OP.

What an unusual sight. Well done. Was getting bored with all of the kind non-bitchy posts on here lately.

Is your son happy to turn up? If he is, why create an issue when there isn’t one yet.

I've read the circumstances. How would the friends mum know if OPs son was invited or not? Teenagers don't normally inform their mums of their party guest lists.

How awkward if his friends find out his mum rang up and asked if he could come - and even more awkward if he wasn't invited in the first place.

OP is just trying to do what any caring parent would in her situation. I don't think she's being odd at all. I'd have given my right arm to have a mum like that. Good advice on here particularly @TrentCrimm

I agree either your DS checks with Tom if ok to show up, or if he’s not up to that having ASD that you offer to check with Toms mum.

I think though that you do need to be mindful of how much social interaction your ASD teen actually wants and/or can cope with. The way you write how you’re constantly encouraging him to do more socialising is a bit off.

It should be 100% led by your DS how much socialising he wants and you just coach or support him. It just sounds like you’re trying to get him to socialise as much as you think a 16yr old should socialise? To some level you have in your mind?

There’s nothing wrong with having ASD and mindfully socialising less than a NT teen would because it is draining and difficult to navigate.

Leave your son to go to the party & don't micromanage. My older teens arrange their own catch ups & it's all word of mouth, I might know a couple of lads who are due to come when it's held at ours but inevitably there are always others who appear towed along by other friends. Teenagers parties don't come with formal invitations! Also it's standard for them to be disorganised & only know a party is happening last minute - my 18yr old has just told me he's out tonight to a friend's 18th which he just found out about & thats one of his close friends!

🙄 I can only assume some posters are not having to guide an autistic teenager through the nuances and subtleties of society!

I think if you know the party hosts parent well I'd pick up the phone and say this is awkward but can I double check if X is invited. Obviously make it very clear that you just don't want him turning up uninvited. They may well have guest limits.

I'm sure the hosts parent can have a conversation with their parent to discuss.

Life is more complicated for ASD teens (and God knows it can be complex enough for NT teens) - very silly to pretend otherwise.

She can ask her son, Tom, if it’s ok for the OPs child to come along?

Can he meet up with John and they go together? He can also text Tom, but I think showing up with John will make him feel more confident.

Ignore posters who can't get their heads around autism.

You're being a great mum to help him along socially. Isolation in ASD teens and adults needs to be actively prevented.