To encourage my (ASD) DS to attend a party that he has only heard about via someone else, not the host?

[restorativejustice]

My DS (16) is autistic. He wasn't diagnosed until he was 11 and had left primary school. One of the key ways it manifests is issues with understanding social cues (and sometimes NT ways of behaving). He left primary school with a small group of friends (lets call them John, Tom, James and Jack here) but was slightly peripheral to the group. John is an unusually kind, sensitive and diplomatic boy and has maintained contact and meets up with DS now and then.

DS hasn't made friends in secondary school so John - and very very occasionally Tom, James and Jack too - are the only people he socialises with, and only once a month or less. My DS is a very happy, amiable and generally well-balanced kid with lots of interests including one particular area that he excels at, spends most of his free time on and is likely to study at university. I am fervently hoping he will make friends once he can focus on his special interest full-time.

John told my DS that there is a reunion next weekend of the whole primary school class (25 kids) in Tom's house and my DS was excited about this and at the prospect of seeing all his class again and going to a party as he has only been invited to a few small D&D/pizza type parties since leaving primary school, and only ever by the John, Tom etc group. But my DS didn't receive an invitation from the host himself, and so I wonder if they intended to include him or not, and whether I should dissuade or encourage him from going?

I know Tom's mum well, do you think it would be completely awkward overkill if I called and asked her? DS has often been excluded in the past, I'll assume not out of cruelty, but because he didn't engage much with others and would get upset at misbehaviour by others so he could have been a drag on other kids in getting very emotional about what they thought were minor things when he was 8-9-10 years old. He's more relaxed now.

Sorry for the long explanation - and if anyone has any ideas about how to encourage a boy with ASD to socialise more, please do let me know as he enjoys social contact but just can't seem to initiate it despite much encouragement and discussion of strategies. He's involved in lots of clubs and sport etc, so it's not for want of contact with others who have shared interests.

And for anyone who thinks I shouldn't be involved with a 16 year old's social life well, it's just how things are with my DS who needs a lot of support in this area.

Maybe John telling DS about the party is a way of inviting him - I might check DS's phone to see the texts from John if I can. I know what you mean about friends of friends, but this was specifically framed as a reunion for the primary school class so that's a fairly defined group. DS said that Tom told someone to invite everyone and 'they must have forgot' to tell DS.

Sending solidarity as a fellow mother of a teen with ASD. For the people that need educating on this thread, ND young people often have an emotional age of two-thirds of their chronological age, hence the extensive degree of emotional involvement and parental guidance still needed in the older teen years.

Thanks! You know how it is then...
I never heard about the two-thirds thing but often say he's more like someone 3 or 4 years younger emotionally, so that makes sense although he still doesn't care about dressing cool or about popularity the way his 12 year old peers were!

People saying Toms mam doesnt know LOL.

If my 16 year old was inviting 25 people into my house damn sure I either know and agreed or want another responsible adult to tell me they are secretly planning it so I can stop it.

Why WOULDN'T you talk to another mother about a huge event being held in her house that you believe she might not know about?

I do assume she knows and it might even be her idea - in primary she was always the one who'd organise whole-class parties for the last day of school in the summer or for Christmas. I just really don't want to force the issue or embarrass anyone, especially my DS. I might see if he can go with John although I wouldn't mind having a word with the mum.....it really is a slight dilemma

I agree with @Waitingfordecember I think the mum would understand and be diplomatic and if your son wasn’t invited I’d hope she’d fine a nice way to put it that wouldn’t embarrass your son or hers. But that’s how I would handle it and I am a considerate mum of a boy with ASD.
I’ve been reading this post with interest as my son is 10 currently and has a good group of friends at school. I do worry the high that as they all mature those friendships will fade and my son may struggle to establish/maintain friendships, so it’s been really helpful to read about the experiences of some of the other mums with older sons with ASD - great advice for me as my son gets older.
I suspect my son will leave all his primary friends behind when he goes to secondary as I’m hoping to find a smaller school for him and nearly all his friends will go to the big local secondary. But hoping he finds a few new and like/minded friends at his new school!

Best solution would be for him to go with John. That way they can arrive together. You could offer them a lift there and back if driving is needed

Oh good luck SuperSue77. I understand the worry as my son got a bit more isolated at 11-12, the person who talked me through his diagnosis said that with age his ability to meet social demands exceeded his capacity to do so or something like that.
As I said, my DS hasn't really made friends in his secondary but it's great you know about your son's diagnosis now so you can maybe start putting some things in place to support him.

Please don’t call the mum. She will mention it to her DS and it will humiliate your son. There are literally three viable options.

• Your son calls Tom and asks him directly. they don’t see each other often so not awkward
• Your son ask John if he’s invited, or ask John to find out for him
• He risks it, goes and hope that if he wasn’t invited that Tom feels too awkward to say anything

I understand why your involved. 16 typically is an age where you aren’t as involved but if DS is autistic and needs your support in this way then fine. But the other kids don’t know this and won’t understand it, your involvement will make him the odd one out

Thanks everyone, I've to go now to help my DS with his homework - another issue with his ASD is planning tasks etc...

What I might do is call John's mum as I still know her very very well and she's a very kind, wise and sensitive person. She's unlikely to have the details on the party but I might ask if she thinks it's ok for DS to go with John. I don't want John to feel restricted or that he has to be in a big 'minding' role, but as he and DS do get along and are friends, maybe it's not that big a deal.

My asd son had a couple of friends (but rather more bullies..) in primary school, then in secondary no friends - but still some bullies, he was mostly left alone. He did have a sport outside of school but didn't really socialise there either. Once at uni he continued the sport and did socialise with the sports club, not really with flat or course mates. Usually the nights out would involve pub then club after, he tried the club once but it was more than he could cope with, so he would usually just go to the pub with the group and go home once they moved to the club - he was happy with that. He has a lot of online friends, many linked to the activity which he started as a teen, studied at uni, and is now his career.

He's now mid 20's. His interest which became his job, he's very good at - job is in London, he's really 'found his tribe' and they are fantastic with him. He's only in the office once a fortnight or so but there are lots of comms. He lives at home and goes into the office as needed - quite a common thing with those who graduated during covid. If his team go out after work for drinks or there's a specific thing like a leaving so then he goes along and enjoys the nights out - I think because there's a wide age range and they've all got a common interest. He's very well paid for his age (cyber security) - and still trains in the sport that he started as a teen and continued through uni.

I think I'd WhatsApp the party organisers mum - if she's been involved with the group and likes to organise stuff she'll be aware of your son and will probably be helpful x

I'm autistic. I think you or DS should ask John to check with Tom that DS is invited.

It would look odd if you would do anything as 16 year olds organise their own events. Either he should go with John or message or ask John to message and ask if it's OK if he comes along too.

Mine is the same with ASD and doesn't socialise at all but gets on fine with people at school.

As John is gateway friend and the one who mentioned it I would get DS to ask him to check with Tom if it's ok for him to come. I think asking the mum is awkward as she can't really say no, and if Tom doesn't want him there it could then be awful. But if Tom says it's ok for him to go then that will be better IMO.

I know how much support an autistic teen requires OP, ignore anyone who tells you you're over bearing - they have no idea.

I’m going to assume you have no experience of SEN kids. Lucky you. It’s a minefield and much harder for parents. Perhaps stick to commenting on subjects you know something about.

Don't call Tom's mum. The guest list won't be up to her.

I think if it's a whole class reunion and John told your son about it, he should go.

My 15yo is similar so I understand your need to be involved. Mine is more reluctant to attend parties and gets overwhelmed by too much noise and social activity, but as long as he knows he can turn around and leave, it's usually fine. As for helping your DS to attend, I think the 'pop in' strategy is a sound one. Social gatherings tend to be more flexible and especially a reunion of that size.

Thanks everyone, I've to go now to help my DS with his homework - another issue with his ASD is planning tasks etc...

@restorativejustice

Does your son have an EHCP? Also has he ever had social skills training from an autism trained Speech & Language therapist?

Thank you - that's lovely to hear that your son is doing so well now and he has such good friends. Teen friendships are trickier to navigate, so I'm hoping that as my DS gets older and hopefully finds a career path in his area of interest the world will open up a bit more for him. Unfortunately or not, he has zero interest in IT which often has good diversity hiring initiatives and the field he's passionate about is very competitive and can be hard to break into, but he has an encyclopaedic knowledge about it and the depth of his passion is quite something to behold and makes him very happy.

Thanks again for sharing your story, it's really helpful to hear about positive experiences about someone of that age as I've had a few sleepless nights about how my DS will fare as an adult.

Didn’t anyone ever tell you that not all attention is good attention?

I would get your son to check with John that it's OK for him to come - perhaps word it as a shall we meet up and go together or shall we meet there message but absolutely don't contact the hosts parents.
My son also has asd and I get it, you want to support them with what they struggle with, but equally at 16 they need to do things themselves even though we see how hard it is for them.

Hi OP

I think at 16, from the other teens point of view, their mum wont really be involved in who is invited or isn't (outside of maybe asking their son who is coming round) so I wouldn't contact the mum for that reason, their son probably wont have told her who is explicitly invited and not.

But if your son has a phone I'd help him construct a message to his friend to check it's ok that he goes. Along the lines of 'just checking that it's ok I come along on Friday, do you know if I need to bring anything?' or something.

@Paracetamol have you ever met an autistic teenager?

I am mindful of how much social interaction he wants, thanks, I said he enjoys social contact but just can't seem to initiate it despite much encouragement and discussion of strategies - to elaborate, he often says how much he enjoys socialising and wishes he could do more. I encourage him and discuss strategies in response to him expressing that he would like to socialise more but isn't sure how to go about it.

He probably socialises once a month or so, and would prefer once a week.

It sounds like an open invite to me Op, but I understand your concern and wanting to check.

I hope he is invited, goes along and has a great time.

You sound like a lovely mum and no doubt your son will thrive if you've got his back.