To encourage my (ASD) DS to attend a party that he has only heard about via someone else, not the host?

[restorativejustice]

My DS (16) is autistic. He wasn't diagnosed until he was 11 and had left primary school. One of the key ways it manifests is issues with understanding social cues (and sometimes NT ways of behaving). He left primary school with a small group of friends (lets call them John, Tom, James and Jack here) but was slightly peripheral to the group. John is an unusually kind, sensitive and diplomatic boy and has maintained contact and meets up with DS now and then.

DS hasn't made friends in secondary school so John - and very very occasionally Tom, James and Jack too - are the only people he socialises with, and only once a month or less. My DS is a very happy, amiable and generally well-balanced kid with lots of interests including one particular area that he excels at, spends most of his free time on and is likely to study at university. I am fervently hoping he will make friends once he can focus on his special interest full-time.

John told my DS that there is a reunion next weekend of the whole primary school class (25 kids) in Tom's house and my DS was excited about this and at the prospect of seeing all his class again and going to a party as he has only been invited to a few small D&D/pizza type parties since leaving primary school, and only ever by the John, Tom etc group. But my DS didn't receive an invitation from the host himself, and so I wonder if they intended to include him or not, and whether I should dissuade or encourage him from going?

I know Tom's mum well, do you think it would be completely awkward overkill if I called and asked her? DS has often been excluded in the past, I'll assume not out of cruelty, but because he didn't engage much with others and would get upset at misbehaviour by others so he could have been a drag on other kids in getting very emotional about what they thought were minor things when he was 8-9-10 years old. He's more relaxed now.

Sorry for the long explanation - and if anyone has any ideas about how to encourage a boy with ASD to socialise more, please do let me know as he enjoys social contact but just can't seem to initiate it despite much encouragement and discussion of strategies. He's involved in lots of clubs and sport etc, so it's not for want of contact with others who have shared interests.

And for anyone who thinks I shouldn't be involved with a 16 year old's social life well, it's just how things are with my DS who needs a lot of support in this area.

My son has ASD, I can assure you his friends already know he weird... but are ok with that which is why they are his friends... its hardly going to be news to them he handles thing differently.... thankfully some people ( unlike you) get this and are able to like and support their friends despite their disability...

That's a good idea thanks - and to check if he should bring something, definitely.

I haven't read all the comments but I totally feel for you OP. I have a 16 year old ASD DD and she went to a party last night that she was specifically invited to and even then, I had to call the mum (friend of mine) to make sure about the arrangements. She (mum) called me when she arrived and when she left the party to come home. My DD also knew (because I told her) that she could leave the party whenever she wanted and come home. Her friends know she has ASD though they are NT and that might help. But clearly some of the comments above have no clue how difficult it is to navigate the social life of an ND teenager. I would call the mum. Ask your DS if he minds if you share some info (E.g. my friend knows that my DD has ASD and can get overwhelmed in social situations) and if he is okay, let her know what you are worried about. I hope your DS has a good time. I had to encourage DD to go yesterday (even though she wanted to) and she did have a great time and stayed until the end (midnight).

That's a good idea thanks - and to check if he should bring something, definitely

I now have images of the OP trying to source some weed on behalf of her DS before the party! 😀

Hi I have a child with asd and completely understand why you need to be involved. I think encouraging him to take the lead and text the child and go from there.

Yep! Turns out some 15-16 year olds are kinder and more mature than some of the posters here. Paracetemol, kids with ASD are told they're weird and odd all their lives. Conforming to social norms for fear of being thought different just isn't part of some people's make-up, and we should all be grateful for that.

I take it your kids aren’t autistic

haha...I have a little stash someone gave me as a gift that I could dig out (not sure if it goes off after a year, it's not part of my life since I was a young 'un). It's more likely that I'll have to remind him not to call the police if he sees any under-age drinking!

I would encourage your son to message either of the boys himself . Either email John - hi just checking I’m definitely ok to come to Toms party. Are you taking anything. Or if he’s more confident message Tom - hi Tom, John told me about your party and that I was invited too - looking forward to see you, anything you want me to bring.

They sound like nice kids so I’m sure he’ll be fine.

Thanks for your understanding, and I am so pleased your DD had a good night. My DS hasn't disclosed he has ASD to his friends I think but in general the ones he stayed in touch with are nice kids and John always looks out for him. I'm still torn over calling the mum due to the fuzziness about the invitation and as I haven't seen her in a few years. If she was a very close friend who I saw very regularly I'd feel able to have a chat about it, and check if DS could go to her if things got a bit much and he needed a bit of peace and quiet.

At 26 I doubt there were invitations, it will be messages or word of mouth

26!

16. Fat fingers!

Yes, he's autistic, and in your eyes, doesn't have many friends. But have you considered that he's happy like that? My older sister sounds very like your son, and apart from her (also autistic) partner, she doesn't have friends either. She has a number of what I'd call "friendly acquaintances", but that's it. She's 41, and apparently quite content. She spends all her time either at work, or doing her special interest - which is trains and buses.

Really, I think, your DS is 16, and if he's considering uni, he's not daft. And there needs to come a time where he manages these sorts of things for himself. The NT teens won't be having their mum phone up the hosts mum.

Unless your DS has specifically asked you to help organise this, I'd stay clear.

It’s so difficult when other parents don’t understand ASD but I would contact the mother. You say the boys are nice and fond of your DS so hopefully they won’t make fun of him.

My DS is 18 and I still have to contact his friend’s mum to organise their very infrequent trips to Pizza Express. If I didn’t he just wouldn’t bother. I tend to not be at all pushy about it because (just like his mum used to be), he’s on the sidelines and only good friends with one boy, whereas his friends has more friends. I don’t want to force the friendship but I also don’t want to assume the friend doesn’t want to meet up.

I’m not sure why NTs are even commenting on this post…how can you possibly think you have any idea?

You could really do with a school where the kids all stay in one group.

My son was at a little independent school for four years and he made a couple of friends. Now he’s at sixth form he still sees one of the friends but he hasn’t made any other friends because once they’ve left class they all go off and do their own thing. An autistic person would usually feel uncomfortable about asking someone to do something with them because they are used to being excluded and assume people don’t want to be friends. So if they’re in the same small class for everything they naturally hang around together at breaks and they feel more comfortable about doing that even if they’re not actively chatting.

Yes, I've considered whether he's happy or not. He has asked me to help him socialise more, and also asked me to talk through what teen parties are like and whether I think he'll be ok going to a party where there are more than 5 people and where there isn't a specific focus like dungeons and dragons.

He's not 'daft', no, but doing ok academically is different than understanding social situations. He's not an NT teen so just because a NT teen wouldn't have the mum phoning the host's mum doesn't mean a ND teen is the same - as many posters on here have pointed out.

It would be nice if he could manage this himself but before any social gathering he likes to discuss and workshop and prepare himself. It would also be nice if all this preparing has a cumulative effect and if one day he'll be able to organise and manage himself, but that day isn't here yet.

I don't know why people are making a big deal of you wondering if you should get involved.

Even with my socially confident NT 16 year old I'll sometimes message the DM if he has been invited to stay over to check it's ok.

It's a cuspy age and all of them missed at least a year of developing social interactions because of lockdowns.

I'd get your lad to go through John to start with. Is it okay if I come - haven't heard directly from Tom. Should I bring anything? any chance we could go together no worries if not?

If it all seems fine then do the coaching about how to politely make your excuses and let him know he can text you any time to collect if he can't walk home? Just as I did for my NT teens.

Just wow

Yes, thinking back on my fairly unboundaried and risk-taking teens, it was actually quite nice sometimes to feel my parents had my back and would see me safely home if asked! I imagine - but don't know yet - that when my super-sociable NT 12 yo DS reaches 16 he might well be happy to have me check in on him and I'd hope he could rely on me if he needed it.

I don’t think you should call the mum, you said you haven’t seen her in 3 years. You can’t be very close if you haven’t seen someone in 3 years.

Get your DS to text Tom direct and say Johns invited me bla bla, is it ok if I come.

Kindly, I don’t see how calling the mum is helping your son. At this stage in his life, he needs extra support to grow into an independent young adult, and not to be treated like a child. Teach him how to handle teenager parties, and don’t handle this like you would a party for an eleven year old. It does him no real good in the long run if he has to learn these social norms even later in life when all his peers are figuring out these complicated unspoken rules at 16.

The best approach here would be to say “Teen parties don’t typically have formal invitations and are done by word of mouth. You were invited by your friend and are a former classmate so should be welcomed, but if you get there and find yourself not having a good time don’t feel bad about making an excuse to leave!”

Ok, that’s good to know. I have an 18yo and 20yo with ASD so have been where you are. I would only add that the second part of my comment still matters- the amount of socialising he can cope with. If he wants more socialising than he has the capacity for, that is something you will have to help him with in terms of accepting and then how to prioritise what he does go to or for how long he goes to any event.

My 20yo faced this as she is extroverted but with ASD so as a young teen she pushed herself too much (with my encouragement) and that resulted in a few public panic attacks from being overwhelmed, and long term it gave her autistic burnout plus tons of negative feelings about not being able. ASD is a disability, and many people don’t fully understand that this means actual hard limits on certain capabilities.

I guess I don’t want you to make the same mistake I did, which was to blindly encourage her thinking that strategies and tools could get her to what she wanted…when the reality was she can only do around 75% of what she’d prefer. It was a bit of a shock for me to realise that encouraging can be pressuring, especially if the message is always “you can do it if we find right strategy/you work harder or smarter at it”. Because then the child becomes disappointed in themselves when it just isn’t happening or they just keep failing. There may be a bar that is lower than the desire/want.

So just saying be mindful of these things.

It's been such a refreshing read to see other parents of ND teens who have had to support and still help them navigate social situations.

My ND teen has been a bullying target by some insecure others at school (whole other thread) and has had some nasty rumours spread about them when she just keeps to herself, but it's tough sometimes being the only friend they have. She hates the bitchiness from other girls (14) and doesn't get banter, she sees it as bullying.

But she has just started to sit on the peripheral of a group of kids at school and I was delighted as she was starting to chat and sit in amongst them, she was asked for her number so they could chat after school, she refused as she doesn't want to have to be messaging people outside of school - she doesn't see the point 🙄. So having to explain why she was given the cold shoulder the next day was a bit frustrating but I still forget she doesn't think of these things.

Nice to know I'm not alone!