To encourage my (ASD) DS to attend a party that he has only heard about via someone else, not the host?

[restorativejustice]

My DS (16) is autistic. He wasn't diagnosed until he was 11 and had left primary school. One of the key ways it manifests is issues with understanding social cues (and sometimes NT ways of behaving). He left primary school with a small group of friends (lets call them John, Tom, James and Jack here) but was slightly peripheral to the group. John is an unusually kind, sensitive and diplomatic boy and has maintained contact and meets up with DS now and then.

DS hasn't made friends in secondary school so John - and very very occasionally Tom, James and Jack too - are the only people he socialises with, and only once a month or less. My DS is a very happy, amiable and generally well-balanced kid with lots of interests including one particular area that he excels at, spends most of his free time on and is likely to study at university. I am fervently hoping he will make friends once he can focus on his special interest full-time.

John told my DS that there is a reunion next weekend of the whole primary school class (25 kids) in Tom's house and my DS was excited about this and at the prospect of seeing all his class again and going to a party as he has only been invited to a few small D&D/pizza type parties since leaving primary school, and only ever by the John, Tom etc group. But my DS didn't receive an invitation from the host himself, and so I wonder if they intended to include him or not, and whether I should dissuade or encourage him from going?

I know Tom's mum well, do you think it would be completely awkward overkill if I called and asked her? DS has often been excluded in the past, I'll assume not out of cruelty, but because he didn't engage much with others and would get upset at misbehaviour by others so he could have been a drag on other kids in getting very emotional about what they thought were minor things when he was 8-9-10 years old. He's more relaxed now.

Sorry for the long explanation - and if anyone has any ideas about how to encourage a boy with ASD to socialise more, please do let me know as he enjoys social contact but just can't seem to initiate it despite much encouragement and discussion of strategies. He's involved in lots of clubs and sport etc, so it's not for want of contact with others who have shared interests.

And for anyone who thinks I shouldn't be involved with a 16 year old's social life well, it's just how things are with my DS who needs a lot of support in this area.

This is so nasty and completely blind to the fact the OP’s son has social communication disability. Op you sound like a great mum trying to do her best for her son.

Thanks, that's all good to keep in mind, and I definitely made the mistake of thinking 'mind over matter' when DS was younger, particularly pre-diagnosis.DS has sometimes 'over' socialised and had to lie in a dark room afterwards so working on how to recognise signs of burn-out are important. He has also now and then tried too hard to be social and got rebuffed which I think is one reason why he can be very wary around people. When I say 'socialise' it could be as simple as having lunch after he plays his sport with the one person there that he has a bit of a bond with, or going to the cinema. It does usually take a fair bit of discussion first and as long as he learns more about himself and what he can tolerate and enjoy I think it's ok.

Thanks for the advice @Dreamsoffreedomjoyandpeace unfortunately I am finding that choosing a school isn’t as straight forward as I had hoped ☹️ Of the 3 small private schools I have approached, 2 have said they don’t think the school would be right for him, and so won’t offer a place, despite them selling themselves as nurturing and supporting SEN, specifically high functioning ASD. I’ve got my fingers crossed for the third, but if they won’t take him either I am going to have to fight for an EHCP and see where that takes us. I can’t afford private specialist schools (generally £50k a year!!) and am terrified by the thought of him in a large state secondary with no additional support.
I will check with the private school still in the running to see if they keep classes together, but I know they stream and set, and that children will be in different classes based on their GCSE choices. But as it is a fairly small school I imagine he’d be with familiar children most of the way through.

I have found the whole secondary process very stressful and upsetting. As my son is bright, he is now in year 6 without an EHCP but showing signs he will not cope in a large state mainstream secondary school (they’re all 8 form + entry round here). I fear we’ll arrive at the last day of year 6 with no suitable school confirmed and only just having an EHCP agreed - if we’re lucky. The EP assessment is next month so once we have that I can apply for an EHC needs assessment, but I understand they take months, especially as we have a particularly tough LEA.

Very helpful advice OP 💐

Actually meant to write UNHELPFUL ADVICE! You're friends with the mum organising, give her a call, it sounds like everyone is invited but your DS being a bit on the periphery may have meant he was overlooked 💐

Thanks @restorativejustice and sorry if I hijacked your post a bit! I hope you get it resolved and that your son is able to attend the party for a bit and see his old friends. xx

@HostessTrolley a bit off theme but wanted to say delighted to see your DS has found his niche in Cyber Security. I work close to that space and diverse hiring is a big theme at the moment, non-NT folk in early careers stage really are thriving professionally and doing fabulous work

I'm so grateful to everyone who responded with their experiences.

I hope your DD getting on ok now, and sorry she was bullied.

That's funny about your DD and the chatting outside school. When DS started secondary he got on w a lad in his class who then texted him outside school hours and when DS replied the other boy wrote back immediately. DS stopped texting him as he said the speed with which the other boy replied meant he might get trapped having to write back quickly himself and he wanted to go and read instead! The other boy pulled back on the burgeoning friendship

Agree @RFPO77 unless the mum is a total cow, and doesn’t sound like it from what OP has said about how she was when they were in primary, I imagine she will be sympathetic and help clarify the situation.

Oh, no need for sorry, it's really interesting and helpful to hear about other people's experiences. DS working up to texting his lovely friend John right now, so fingers crossed all goes ok.

Yep exactly right. I’m so glad you got what I was trying to say. I had same definition of socialise as you do in mind as well.

Ha - what's the opposite of 💐? Because whatever it is, that's what I'd post to paracetemol! I think DS is going to text nice friend John who usually knows what's what. Please cross your fingers for him that it's all ok!

This is a great post.

From the thread title I only opened it to say "No! you should teach dc never to go to someone's house party unless invited by the host" but reading everything you've written, it is a completely different situation from that which most parents of teens are dealing with.

I think checking in with 'John' - whether that is you directly, or helping your ds to compose a text - is the best way forwards.

Probably this one 💩 one of my faves 😂🤣

I totally get this OP - I have two teens with ASD and it's been a long hard road getting them to negotiate tricky social situations, especially when other teens can be very unaccepting of anyone a bit different (not all, some are lovely and both of mine have had a few amazing friends).

Take no notice of the ignorance of people on here who don't have the experience of ASD - they'll be the same ones that complained all the way through primary school about ALL the PARTIES their kids were being invited to every weekend, and how TERRIBLE it was that they have to ferry them endlessly to social and sports events every weekend (for those who don't know, this is something akin to bragging about your month long holiday in the Seychelles to someone who can't afford a weekend in Margate)

They have no idea that what you're effectively doing is negotiating for someone with the social skills of a 11 year old, not a 16 year old.

They also maybe don't realise that loneliness kills, and that suicide rates for kids with ASD are much higher because of it.

I'd phone the Mum and hope she's on board with it and can steer her teen to behave with some empathy if they don't already.

Thank you x

He could easily have been quite the bedroom hacker, but he got involved with cyberchallenge UK, did very well in their online challenges and then their masterclass and has blossomed. Cyberchallenge have since changed direction due to funding and now mostly work in schools, but back in the day they inspired quite a few like my son to get involved in the industry.

I went from 'whatever will become of him' to 'he's so lucky to be so well paid for doing something that he's passionate and talented in' - and hugely happy that he's found his people - he did his first conference talk this year, I never thought he'd be able to stand up and talk to a room full of people.

Sorry to go OT - but I'm sure other parents of young adults with ASD have the same worries for their future that we had.

I love this post - well done to your DS, it gives me great hope!
In the area my DS is passionate about he finds it much easier to be social and initiate conversation than he usually would. It's so great when someone finds their 'thing' and can communicate about it and hopefully be appreciated for it.

Thank you, in general, the level of understanding on this thread has been really heartening.

As a fellow parent of a 16 ASD son with no social skills, I would say phone the Mum, or the friend who mentioned it, to see if they're ok with him going.

Chances are he'll stand off to one side and watch from there then he'll tell you later that he either hated it or loved it - but you can guarantee that it will be an awkward situation for him/his friend if he was specifically excluded.

Hopefully it was an oversight and he is invited/goes/has a fantastic time!

To those saying keep out of it, you haven't got a clue what parenting an Autistic child is like so until you've walked a mile in our shoes...

The chances are, if it’s a reunion, it really has been organised by friends telling friends, as Tom is not going to have everyone’s contact details after several years. Yes, it is possible that Tom is not convinced the OP’s ds should be there, or that he would enjoy it, if it is John who has passed on the message, but as John did pass on the message, it also sounds like John thinks the OP’s ds has every right to attend and would be supportive of him if he chose to go.

I think Tom is brave having such a reunion at his house, as who knows in what ways those 25 children will have changed in the last 5 years and therefore how they will all behave together? It is unlikely to be like the sort of reunion they might have 20 years later, with their teen angst and rebellion a thing of the past. As unpredictable events go, therefore, I would probably be wanting to know John was supportive of the OP’s ds being there, if things did get difficult, as it is quite hard to be prepared for what might be a somewhat unpredictable party.

So, tbh, I guess I’m saying, it’s more important what John thinks than what Tom thinks, as Tom has chosen to take the risk of inviting friends of friends into his house, even though he may not actually like all of them much himself!

Check with the mum. My ASD teen is 15 and rarely goes out. He has 3 friends who are very similar to him (unsure if they have ASD though as he doesn't go to a special needs school). They mostly socialise online. It's hard isn't it! My son seems happy though. He said socialising all week at school is hard so weekends he just wants to be in his room recharging.

Shedding a tear at how lovely a mum you are OP. I think the fact that John has invited him means he can go without directly checking with Tom, as John is clearly a lovely boy and probably wouldn’t have mentioned it to your DS if he thought Tom would mind (assuming John is still good friends with Tom).

Hope your DS has fun.

Ah thanks - you mightn't say that if you heard me half an hour moaning at the DCs for not putting wet towels away! I've learned a lot about patience and being considerate from my DS himself.

Update!
DS has texted John about going together and what to bring and John has said 'sorry pal I'll be at my job before then so won't be able to meet you first but looking forward to seeing you at the party and I've told Tom that you will be going. You don't need to bring anything'
So - I guess that means I won't phone the mum, just send DS off with advice to call or come home if he's not enjoying it.

Praying it goes ok and DS has fun, he has been studying hard and helping his grandma out a lot lately so here's hoping...

Parenting a child with ASD is totally different to a NT child, your comment is totally uncalled for and shows an immense lack of understanding and empathy.

OP I completely understand you wanting to find out if it's an open invitation as if your DS is similar to mine you'll have to build him up to attending