To encourage my (ASD) DS to attend a party that he has only heard about via someone else, not the host?

[restorativejustice]

My DS (16) is autistic. He wasn't diagnosed until he was 11 and had left primary school. One of the key ways it manifests is issues with understanding social cues (and sometimes NT ways of behaving). He left primary school with a small group of friends (lets call them John, Tom, James and Jack here) but was slightly peripheral to the group. John is an unusually kind, sensitive and diplomatic boy and has maintained contact and meets up with DS now and then.

DS hasn't made friends in secondary school so John - and very very occasionally Tom, James and Jack too - are the only people he socialises with, and only once a month or less. My DS is a very happy, amiable and generally well-balanced kid with lots of interests including one particular area that he excels at, spends most of his free time on and is likely to study at university. I am fervently hoping he will make friends once he can focus on his special interest full-time.

John told my DS that there is a reunion next weekend of the whole primary school class (25 kids) in Tom's house and my DS was excited about this and at the prospect of seeing all his class again and going to a party as he has only been invited to a few small D&D/pizza type parties since leaving primary school, and only ever by the John, Tom etc group. But my DS didn't receive an invitation from the host himself, and so I wonder if they intended to include him or not, and whether I should dissuade or encourage him from going?

I know Tom's mum well, do you think it would be completely awkward overkill if I called and asked her? DS has often been excluded in the past, I'll assume not out of cruelty, but because he didn't engage much with others and would get upset at misbehaviour by others so he could have been a drag on other kids in getting very emotional about what they thought were minor things when he was 8-9-10 years old. He's more relaxed now.

Sorry for the long explanation - and if anyone has any ideas about how to encourage a boy with ASD to socialise more, please do let me know as he enjoys social contact but just can't seem to initiate it despite much encouragement and discussion of strategies. He's involved in lots of clubs and sport etc, so it's not for want of contact with others who have shared interests.

And for anyone who thinks I shouldn't be involved with a 16 year old's social life well, it's just how things are with my DS who needs a lot of support in this area.

I would encourage him to ask his friend the details so he can come along. Sometimes these are just word of mouth things and there isn't a guest list really. With ASD it can be impossible to know that, especially when you've been excluded in the past and rely on being invited to things.

It's tough because people on the outside like a PP 🙄just see a 16 yr old, rather than a 16 yr old with ASD who hasn't had the life their kids have had socially and finds it tricky to navigate.

"There’s nothing wrong with having ASD and mindfully socialising less than a NT teen would because it is draining and difficult to navigate."

This is a good point and one I have to bear in mind whilst advising my daughter. But in this instance the Ops son is excited about the party.

He can always attend for a short time.
I always provide an emergency exit.

Believe me Paracetamol, I wish I didn't have to be so involved. But my son has a disability and needs my support in navigating social situations.

OPs son might have ASD but his friends don't. His friends will think he's weird if his mum continues her over-involvement in his social life.

It needn’t be. We’re all autistic in our house and haven’t had the same experience as you.

Thanks, yes. If he's going to go we will have a chat about what 16 year olds might get up to at parties, and he knows that in any situation he can call me if he needs to, and a few things to say if he wants to leave politely and early.

It's a casual meet up of everyone in their old class and nice John says it's OK for him to go. I think that means he's in the Venn diagram of 'ok to go' and 'second hand invited to go' which means it's fine. People will probably be pleased to see him.

Just run over a few things with him before he goes, like if he doesn't feel comfortable he's perfectly entitled to stay half an hour then leave. Teach him how to frame that as 'just wanted to pop in and say hiya but I've got <something else> I need to do.'

My DS is similar and in that situation I've told him to say 'mum's out and I have to get back for the dog, but it was good to see ya, thanks for having me' and then just go. (Being able to beat a hasty exit would have saved me from years of misery at shit parties when I was a teen so I'm keen to not put DS in the same situation.)

I'm sure his friends already think he's a bit weird, thank you for your insight. But guess what he's beloved by John and the others often express how fond they are of him.

To repeat - it's not over-involvement, it's necessary support to help him navigate social situations more easily. He has had intensive SLT and a lot of effort on his and our family's part. To not check things out and workshop situations with him would be like withholding an inhaler from an asthmatic.

You sound like a lovely Mum op. Hope he gets to go to the party and has fun. Let us know 🙂

Thank you - just popping in is a good phrase for him to use. He used get very overwhelmed when playing boardgames and I didn't know until one of the other mums said it to me - and then we rehearsed how to recognise when things were getting a bit much and strategies to deal with that, so I'll also tell him to go to the loo and do some breathing if it's a bit much but he doesn't want to leave.

Thank you so much. We're very close and he's an absolute sweetheart and I would absolutely love for him to go and enjoy himself without me. I've often felt hurt and shed many tears in private around him being excluded and invitations etc although I try to see it from the other NT kids' perspectives which really helps.

I think you need to either get him to check, or check yourself, with John, Tom or Tom's mum. If he can actually arrived with John, and John has invited him on behalf of Tom, that's fine. But to arrive alone, when people aren't necessarily expecting him, would be very hard to navigate socially - even if they're happy for him to be there. If that happened to me, I'd be so stressed about whether I was wanted, whether they were expecting me, whether anyone minded etc, that my brain would be full of that anxiety and I'd not be able to cope with anything else all day, let alone navigate the party itself.

Maybe you can speak to John, explain the uncertainty, ask what he thinks about it all? If your DS won't/can't/doesn't want to, that is.

It would be even more humiliating to show up (especially alone) and find that he wasn't wanted or expected.

You sound like a great mum @restorativejustice. If he can arrange to meet john beforehand and go together that sounds perfect.

Lots of good advice on here. I agree that you shouldn’t message the mum - if you feel a clarification is necessary, and I don’t think it is, then he should text Tom (v short, “john mentioned the party, ok if I join you?”). Ignore the people calling you or your son weird. It’s amazing to me how much ignorance there still is.

It will be fine, they are 16 year old boys so will be a spread the word type thing instead of an actual invite.

they may be boys but are mini men and often don’t think about feelings, organisation, ect. They are focusing on having fun. Encourage your son just to go with the flow and go have a good time. X

This is a totally inappropriate comment because the OP’s DS is autistic. The Op outlined his social communication difficulties and so of course she, as his mum, is going to be supporting him in those very types of situations.

My autistic DS is almost 18 and has not a single friend he sees in real life. He suffered 24/7 anxiety and has multiple comorbid difficulties because of his autism. He looks to me to support and help him, including things such as calling the GP and going with him to appointments, arranging therapy sessions for him, and even talking to grandparents on his behalf because he doesn’t always easily know what to say next in a conversation.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the OP supporting her son.

Does Tom's mum know about the ASD diagnosis? If so, I would hope that she would be diplomatic and understanding if you called.

Don't call the mum. I'd get your son to text John or if he can't then you text from his phone for him. Then get him to turn up with John.

I understand - our family are almost all my DS has socially and 80% of the time he's the one who gets in touch with John (and Tom etc), and that's at my prompting. It's strange to still be almost silently managing playdates for a 16 year old. That said, the friendship with John is very genuine - he invites DS to the cinema or to play games, and came on holidays with us for a fortnight last Easter and the two of them chatted away and for once I'd the delightful experience of being ignored which I understand is often the norm for NT teen behaviour!

I hope things get better for your DS. I wouldn't change mine for the world but I'd love him to have more friends.

Solidarity Verbena17, I think I understand how things might be with your DS, mine often asks me to accompany him to appointments and so on and it's sometimes tricky to know whether to encourage him to go alone to facilitate independence or if I absolutely have to go so he feels supported. In our case, I think that if it wasn't for John my DS would barely see anyone - John is pretty much the 'gateway' to the group of primary school friends.

I think given the circumstances, if you can discreetly check with the DM, that's the best way to go.
16 is a tricky age even for NT teens and if you can smooth the way a bit, why wouldn't you.

Definitely call her!

Get from her though whether this is just a bit of an oversight, or just not really thinking, so that your DS isn’t walking into a situation where the boys are not happy that their decision not to invite him wasnt’ over ridden. You don’t want him walking in uninvited. As you know her well, you can suss this out.

I think a lot of posters are ignoring the fact that your son is autistic and may need extra support around social situations.

In your shoes I would ring the mum. You already know her well, does she know about your son’s diagnosis? I’d say something like ‘DS has been told about the party but due to his ASD isn’t sure whether it’s an open invite. Would you mind checking with your DS?’.

Unless she’s the biggest dick in the world I can’t see why this would be a problem.

You sound like a lovely mum and I hope your DS gets to go to the party.

I would check with his mum, I can’t see any harm in doing that.

I wouldn't advise checking with the mother. She probably doesn't know who is coming and may well just say 'yes, of course' leaving you none the wiser as to what her son thinks. Best if he asks John if it is ok - if he actually wants to go. Does he? Many non neurotypical people would regard a party with horror.

At that age I think is fine for friends of friends to go anyway. One of mine is 17 and just gets told about parties by friends. At her 17th party, even she didn't know who all the guests were.

Thanks. Maybe I should just call her then - I feel I know her well although I haven't seen her in a few years as the kids tend to organise their own meet-ups since they've started secondary (my DS is in a different school than the others). My only reservation is I might make her feel awkward (and me upset!) if DS is not invited, and if she doesn't know about the party I might be landing Tom in trouble - which will be traced back to my DS.