Daughter says I’m ‘controlling’

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I have 2 young adult children who live at home and both work.

preface is they never borrow money from me, they pay a small amount of rent, they don’t have mad house parties or anything and are pretty good sensible kids otherwise.

They help in they house but only really when asked or given instructions despite years of me getting them involved to be independent adults so I am not a total soft touch. The rest of the house is mostly kept tidy by me, but not ‘show home’ standard.

Youngest has a messy bedroom and this at times drives me mad. Her room is her business if she doesn’t change the sheets, but it does often affect everyone else. She takes all the glasses upstairs, leaves food and milk out, her room smells, the dog has got in by accident (the smell of food obviously tempting for a dog to jailbreak in) and eaten mangy food, she hoards smelly used towels, caked on food plates, charges phones on the bed etc. She is not depressed she just doesn’t really care about these things.

I will ask and ask her to sort it and she might take down the plates and glasses, but essentially I end up going in there and taking out the food and smelly damp laundry (mainly towels) when it’s smelling out the upstairs or I have run out and need to clean them.

She got cross with me today for going in her room and says it’s ‘controlling’ of me to take things out of her room, as I asked for the used towels and threw some of her damp dirty clothes in the wash as well. We are at a stalemate where each other is saying it’s disrespectful. She used to have her own towels but she does use the nice, new ones I bought. I also don’t really want her to be the smelly girl at work so I try to encourage her to wash her clothes.

How do other parents of adults manage this?
No I am not going to kick her out before people suggest this I just want to get on better with her.

You don’t have to kick her out but you can make it very clear that if she feels controlled she can leave.
She lives at home- she shapes up or accepts your very reasonable ‘controls’.

She takes all the glasses upstairs, leaves food and milk out, her room smells, the dog has got in by accident (the smell of food obviously tempting for a dog to jailbreak in) and eaten mangy food, she hoards smelly used towels, caked on food plates

All of this is completely gross and she IBU. You've said she's using your nice towels so that's even more U. She wants nice things, she needs to respect them. Depriving other people of kitchen implements is selfish, and used food left out is a pest issue.

Don't bother caring about her being the smelly girl, that's her problem and you going into that territory gives her grounds to start going on about controlling - don't blur the lines.

charges phones on the bed

I can't see why this is a problem though.

'Yep, if not wanting a room in my house to turn into a fetid, smelly, rancid pit of rotting food and reeking laundry, guilty as charged.'

Charges phones on the bed??

*charges phones on the bed

I can't see why this is a problem though*

Chargers overheats and catches fire?

I'd sit her down and tell her that she:
Takes down kitchen items every morning
Puts towels and washing in the laundry basket each morning

If she thinks its controlling or says no, tell her that's the rules and she's free to leave if she doesn't like it.

@undernotover I’ve seen news reports about house fires caused by people leaving phones charging on beds.

I hate her charging the phone on the bed, it is a hazard. She will not listen to me about this though

she has made me feel IABU so I feel a little less now!

'charges phones on the bed

I can't see why this is a problem though.'

Possible fire hazard I would have thought.

She does sound very self centred. I would say let her get on with it, but it's affecting the rest of the household. Compromise? Give her the opportunity to sort out dirty dishes and the smell - if she does that you'll leave her alone. Failure to sort dishes and smell means you access her room on a regular basis to do some bio hazard sorting. If she still doesn't sort it, I do think you need to have the conversation about her moving out - flatmates would be unlikely to put up with it.

She sounds deeply disrespectful of you and your house. I bet she doesn't tell her employer about being controlling when she's told to do something she doesn't want to do.

She's clearly got no understanding of basic hygiene.

If you don't want her to move out then the only alternative is that she has her things, glass, plates, towels, bedding and isn't allowed to use anyone else's.

Why are you so reluctant for her to move out? It might transform your relationship with her and help her too

She sounds totally disgusting. You need to give her some sort of cleaning routine that she has to abide by.

She does have an understanding, it’s a choice

she does at least shower and she herself doesn’t smell, I think her clothes would smell. She also uses different towels, cups and plates so she knows about clean and dirty she just doesn’t want to do the cleaning!

She has a floordrobe and they all get mixed up so she gets annoyed if I wash the clothes as I just pick it all up and some of it isn’t really dirty and she wanted to wear it. The sheer size of her washing mountain shows me she does wear clean clothes 😑. Usually because I have barged in, washed them at some point

Point out that you wouldn't have to act "controlling" if she acted like an adult. She has two options:

= she decides to act like a proper grownup by respecting your house and the other people who live there

OR

= she moves out

She’s still really young, she’s only just turned 18

If she still doesn't sort it, I do think you need to have the conversation about her moving out - flatmates would be unlikely to put up with it

My thinking too. Flatmates will soon set her right if she tries that malarkey.

The dog got in and ate a load of jalapeños off a pizza on the floor then had the shits for 2 days. I did get really angry about that

Can I ask a question? What happens if you don't do it? At some point presumably she will run out of clothes / towels / crockery. What would happen then?

Might letting her get to that stage teach a longer-term lesson?

Fire hazard!!

Nonsense

At uni she'd be out of your home

One of my DC moved out at 18. All was fine - and when it's their home it's amazing how they look after it!

If you aren’t going to ask her to leave, don’t do her washing anymore and if she keeps leaving food, towels and plates in her room increase her rent everytime, or turn the wifi off for her. Tell her if she is going to act like a child… she’ll be treated like one

I think in bed would be dangerous but on the bed probably not.
She sounds very trying!

Think she is acting like a child but complaining about being disrespected and treated like s child. She needs to grow up.

I would have clear rules and if she doesn't want to follow them then maybe a stint of living in a share house will benefit her.

I wouldn't allow any food upstairs at all. People eat downstairs on the table.

I would wash her clothes or iron. She might need teaching to use the washing machine.

I would have a rota of household jobs.

That is not just a bit messy, that’s next level stuff. No one at Uni or anywhere I’ve lived has been that disgusting! The food thing for me would be a no-no, I think you have to have a rule of no food in her room and no leaving towels in there either. It doesn’t matter if she’s an adult, basic rules are still needed. My mum never ever let us have food upstairs even when we lived at home as adults for a while. Im the same with my kids.