Daughter says I’m ‘controlling’

[Menopau]

I have 2 young adult children who live at home and both work.

preface is they never borrow money from me, they pay a small amount of rent, they don’t have mad house parties or anything and are pretty good sensible kids otherwise.

They help in they house but only really when asked or given instructions despite years of me getting them involved to be independent adults so I am not a total soft touch. The rest of the house is mostly kept tidy by me, but not ‘show home’ standard.

Youngest has a messy bedroom and this at times drives me mad. Her room is her business if she doesn’t change the sheets, but it does often affect everyone else. She takes all the glasses upstairs, leaves food and milk out, her room smells, the dog has got in by accident (the smell of food obviously tempting for a dog to jailbreak in) and eaten mangy food, she hoards smelly used towels, caked on food plates, charges phones on the bed etc. She is not depressed she just doesn’t really care about these things.

I will ask and ask her to sort it and she might take down the plates and glasses, but essentially I end up going in there and taking out the food and smelly damp laundry (mainly towels) when it’s smelling out the upstairs or I have run out and need to clean them.

She got cross with me today for going in her room and says it’s ‘controlling’ of me to take things out of her room, as I asked for the used towels and threw some of her damp dirty clothes in the wash as well. We are at a stalemate where each other is saying it’s disrespectful. She used to have her own towels but she does use the nice, new ones I bought. I also don’t really want her to be the smelly girl at work so I try to encourage her to wash her clothes.

How do other parents of adults manage this?
No I am not going to kick her out before people suggest this I just want to get on better with her.

I would make a list of your hard rules, try to keep it fairly small. Have a talk with her at a mutually convenient time and calmly explain these are non negotiable. If she refuses to do them increase her rent by £25 a week and do them your self.

Ok, so you're talking about a teenager here .. you phrased it as adult so I'm thinking 24. Just turned 18? Meh. She's behaving like a teenager, revolting though that is

If she's unable to respect your rules then the compromise is that you can trot into her room to retrieve stuff whenever you want to. Not sure what else you can do?

I've been called that for the same reasons as my DD. Drives me nuts.

The cheek of it! She doesn’t like where your dining table is, so she won’t eat there. How rude.

I can see how it easily slipped now but it’s no excuse. I think you’ll just have to implement hard rules on no eating upstairs at all. And prepare to have an argument about it. Tackle this first and stop doing her washing. Then just ask her for towels every day. She’s being really disrespectful and you’re being very nice about wanting to improve your relationship. Maybe have a sit down family meal together? Surely she doesn’t eat every main meal on her own upstairs?

She is at that age where she is selfish, so thinks you are being unfair. My DS1 is 19 and thinks I shouldn't complain about the state of his bathroom since I don't need to go into it or use it. I told him clearly it is my house and I want it kept to a hygienic standard, and I don't care if I don't use it. You need to be clear with her that it is still your house with rules around the state of rooms. I would not do any more of her laundry though, and hide your good towels from her if you must.

I had a long response but my screen refreshed and I lost it. 😥

I would bring in new house rules if she is planning on living at home.

1. Put the dog out when it's your dinner time. Eat where you have your table.
2. Make space at the table for her. She is family, everyone eats at the table.
3. Tell her that if she brings anything (food/plates/cutlery) to her room, you have the right to go in at least twice a week to gather anything up that shouldn't be in her room. She wants the privacy, she keeps the room tidy and you won't have a reason to go into her room.
4. There is no such thing as a floordrobe going forwards. Clothes are either folded and put away in a tallboy style dresser or hung up in her wardrobe. Anything left on the floor is fair game to be washed. (if she starts using this as a way to get her clothes washed, every so often I'd throw in a top/dress/pair of jeans you know she will want to wear before the time they are dry, maybe then she should stop using the floor as a laundry basket if you do)
5. Charging her phone - I'd see if I could get a narrow type of bedside table that she could leave her phone on overnight to charge. It is a fire hazard and should not be allowed. That would be non-negotiable.

They are the easiest things I can think of.

Also, tell her that when she gets a place of her own, you'll be straight around to do this:

@VanillaSpiceCandle
i eat by myself most of the time! I make it they collect it. Or I will leave it in the microwave for them. DD2 has always been slightly gross. She doesn’t have that thing about nice clean bedsheets she likes her really cosy lived in ones she’s been in for a month or 2 or 3 🤢

If I charged her more for cleaning services she would probably just pay it, so she didn’t have to do it. But then she’s paying me to do her cleaning of her mess? 😑🤣

Yes she is really young - and same age as my dd - but my dd does not do this, because I won't have it in my house. Only water is allowed upstairs and this has been the case since they (I was worried about tooth decay) but actually it has been a brilliant rule. Unless they are ill. So we don't have the festering food. I would be worried about getting rats op - I think you need to show her photos of rat infestations and tell this is what she will end up with in her room, the food absolutely has to come out and food should be eaten a table downstairs like the civilised adult she now is.

If she is paying I would be charging her 15.00 extra for the collection of dirty towels and clothes. That might change her way when she feels the pinch of paying out the extra money (I would probably save it for her further down the line) and a one off fee of x amount if there is rotting food etc.

If she feels you are controlling she is welcome to live elsewhere, but your standards are your standards are not up for neg.

I wouldn't dream of throwing out a barely adult young person of this age, no, but you should confidently put your foot down and insist on respectful living.

I worked with a young woman like your daughter. She told me how she would take sandwiches up to her bedroom but not use a plate and she didn't stop doing that until she woke up one day and there was a mouse on her bed. It was only then that she realised what a disgusting slob she'd turned into. Ugh, I remember once she got a hanky out to blow her nose and it looked like it had been kicking around in the gutter for weeks 😖

As for her 3-months on the bed sheets, my younger sister was like that too. One time I was visiting and used her room because she was away and I don't think the sheets had been changed for a very long time. Even though I'd brought a sleeping bag I didn't really get any sleep because of the smell.

She's treating you like a skivvy and this has been going on for years.

This behaviour isn't going to change because you've enabled her for 5 years.

I think you have to tell her - and her sister- that there is a new routine or they leave. Even if her sister isn't a slob you're charging them bugger all and they do bugger all around the house. They're adults.

I would set up a series of house rules:

No food upstairs ever
Change sheets weekly
One set of towels per person - put a lock on your bedroom door and store the nice ones in there if they keep taking them.
House cleaning rota

Give them two months. If they don't stick to the rules kick them out. They're taking the absolute piss.

I know it's a classic reply but the mess, hygiene and plate hoarding are both classic Dyspraxic and sometimes ADHD symptoms.

I'd set some ground rules, plates/ cups down once a day but be aware you will have to remind her.

Towels not to be kept in the room or out once a week.

Encourage her to find a little side table for her phone so she can have by bed to use instead of on the bed.

Help her to navigate a few simple rules. You're entitled to your boundaries and they will help her, but understand it's also likely she's not being naughty. Try and work at as a team to make it livable and workable for both of you.

The floordrobe wouldn’t bother me. The rotting food/hoarding of towels/not taking cups and plates down and washing them after use would make me crazy. She’s being extremely disrespectful to your house, and sounds spoilt. It’s ok if her room isn’t tidy, but it’s not acceptable for it to be dirty like that.

Calling you controlling is and easy way of gaslighting her way out of taking responsibility for her behaviour and the way it’s affecting others in the house. She’s not 12, she has a job ffs. You need to make it clear where the boundaries are, if she wants to stay living at home then she can’t live like a pig.

I would up her rent and charge me for cleaning it.

Just to offer a different perspective she sounds like me. I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 30.

Refused to eat with you? At 13??

Do you perhaps think that you've let her get away with far too much? So now she ignores you?

You HAVE to start putting your foot down. And if she doesn't like it she is absolutely old enough to look after herself.

On a mat on a table. Or on a table next to you when you are awake and there.

NOT on fabric or carpet.

@suzyscat ADHD is not an excuse - also you can’t diagnose someone you don’t know over one behaviour. ADHD is complex, and there’s a lot more to it than organisational issues alone.

My partner has ADHD and I have ADD, and we struggle so much with organising the house, it’s a cluttered, unfinished tip- but I don’t let it get dirty. When I lived at home with my mum I was tidier as it wasn’t my house, and I only had 1 room to look after. ADHD makes things harder, but it’s also not an excuse for everything. Also, describing an adult’s behaviour as not trying to be ‘naughty’ is ridiculous and infantilising, and it excuses her from the choices she’s making.

Nobody is trying to diagnose, I merely mentioned it as something to consider. You're right ADHD is complex and differs from person to person. For me it's a lot like the OP describes with her daughter. I have systems in place to help lessen this but it's a struggle. And that's without someone being upset/angry with me. I'm upset with myself plenty.

The older one has ADHD and she’s chaotic sometimes but she is not disgusting. The older one is very H in the spectrum 😑 so she’s always ‘on the go’ and doing stuff, she’s like a Tasmanian devil.

The younger one was assessed for dyspraxia when she was younger and diagnosed with an auditory processing disorder! She can’t follow instructions very well and is forgetful which has allowed her to become quite self centred/self pleasing. We used to have to use picture stories to get her to do things in the right order at the right time (like get dressed, brush teeth).
in part she dislikes eating in a room with other people, the TV etc as it’s just a jumble of noises and she finds it annoying. She likes her room as it’s peaceful but I think she goes off into a dreamland

Tell her to comply with your standards or move out. Then she can be as stinky as she likes !

You are definitely not controlling but you have basically created a nightmare housemate!!

Could you give her a list of expectations? So bring dishes and glasses down every day, put dirty clothes in wash basket etc.

Literally spell it out to her what she has to do.

I once told my dd if she didn't put her dirty clothes in the wash basket I would assume she didn't want them so would bag them up for the charity shop 😉 that worked.

Also check your cables and plugs so they are safe to use, if the cable starts playing up or breaks Chuck it immediately and get a proper one.

I thought my 15 yo DS was gross, but I think I’d better cut him some slack. You sound anything but controlling! She wouldn’t like me at all.

my brother tried this stunt. My parents said: fine. We'll halp you pack. You have a month.

And magically, he stopped doing it and stayed.

You're not being controlling. I totally hear you! I have a similar daughter, same age! Our dog adores her revolting bedroom. Dirty clothes, used cotton wool pads, sometimes even used pantyliners (boak), plates, dirty glasses, stuff absolutely everywhere, fake tan all over the bedsheets for weeks. It's so bad that I won't let the cleaner near her room, A. because I'm too embarrassed; and B. because I don't think anyone should clean up after her if she's just going to keep doing that. She actually loves her room clean and tidy but just can't seem to do it herself.

Luckily for us she's currently at uni, and it's bliss having all our towels, crockery, and cutlery to hand when we want it. All her housemates are so lovely but have the same attitude to basic cleanliness. You can imagine the state of her uni house. We're all dreading Christmas when she comes home...

We have a large family and have always had a rota for cleaning the kitchen and other household tasks which has worked really well. She used to try really hard but in the last couple of years it's really got bad. She'll do her bit around the house but is deaf to our calls to sort her own room out. Her siblings, even the 8 year old, are all on board with the rota and they all keep their rooms clean, if not exactly tidy. I do believe in 'their room, their choice' etc, but when you can smell it even with the door closed...! We all hate it. Apart from the dog.

So I don't really have any advice, except to think about why she's doing it. This may or may not be relevant but my daughter's recently been diagnosed with ADHD. She's always been a maelstrom of chaos in all aspects of her life and has to try so much harder than most to cope with the day to days of life. This is not an excuse by the way, but I think I can see why it happens. She gets incredibly angry/touchy when I mention her room and says anything hurtful that will move me away or change the subject, so perhaps I can see why your daughter said you were controlling!