Daughter says I’m ‘controlling’

[Menopau]

I have 2 young adult children who live at home and both work.

preface is they never borrow money from me, they pay a small amount of rent, they don’t have mad house parties or anything and are pretty good sensible kids otherwise.

They help in they house but only really when asked or given instructions despite years of me getting them involved to be independent adults so I am not a total soft touch. The rest of the house is mostly kept tidy by me, but not ‘show home’ standard.

Youngest has a messy bedroom and this at times drives me mad. Her room is her business if she doesn’t change the sheets, but it does often affect everyone else. She takes all the glasses upstairs, leaves food and milk out, her room smells, the dog has got in by accident (the smell of food obviously tempting for a dog to jailbreak in) and eaten mangy food, she hoards smelly used towels, caked on food plates, charges phones on the bed etc. She is not depressed she just doesn’t really care about these things.

I will ask and ask her to sort it and she might take down the plates and glasses, but essentially I end up going in there and taking out the food and smelly damp laundry (mainly towels) when it’s smelling out the upstairs or I have run out and need to clean them.

She got cross with me today for going in her room and says it’s ‘controlling’ of me to take things out of her room, as I asked for the used towels and threw some of her damp dirty clothes in the wash as well. We are at a stalemate where each other is saying it’s disrespectful. She used to have her own towels but she does use the nice, new ones I bought. I also don’t really want her to be the smelly girl at work so I try to encourage her to wash her clothes.

How do other parents of adults manage this?
No I am not going to kick her out before people suggest this I just want to get on better with her.

There is a big gap between nagging harridan and a being the in control parent. Your job as a parent is to teach them to be well functioning adults and at the moment it appears you are enabling her to be a selfish snob instead of understanding cause and effect of being an adult.

She’s not your friend she’s your daughter who needs guidance in having skills to leave the nest and sometimes that means being the nag who has boundaries

Adhd doesn’t effect intelligence :) but does effect planning, organising, self confidence and self belief. It doesn’t matter if people
are organising clothes or mouldy apple
cores… it’s just stuff that hasn’t been noticed or remembered . 😄 adhd children hear thousands more negative comments about them during thier years . It can look so different in girls, the most common way it can look is lazy, daydreamy, unregulated emotions, messy, forgetful,
disorganised, and due to the level of activity the brain is constantly under …’depression/ tired often. Often mistaken for dyspraxia, as can look similar. I see your daughter was tested for that. You sound like a lovely firm and fair parent, I am the same in my opinion and that’s why I began to question why all my best efforts had not worked. My daughters report shows she’s on the 99th centile for ADHD . That’s with results from 3 settings.( not just a parent view) Yet anyone else would think she is Lazy, fairly grosse and needs to grow up. - because sadly that’s what it looks like!…. To add, the irony is adhd girls are often more vunerable
to negative feedback, carry that more than others…. And highly empathetic and creative people pleasers. so brutal to be so kind and want desperately to make people happy, yet magnify thier disappointment and soak it up more. I’m so glad we got the understanding my child needs. It’s been a hard and messy(!) road. I won’t post further, because I don’t want to sound like I’m trying to convince you! Just wanted to add a little more info for you to consider! Good luck with all.
xx

You are far from controlling.

My Sis was like this for a while, growing up.

Mum started showing her mates straight up to her room when they popped round. Same when she got her 1st boyfriend. So I guess Sis was shamed out of it although nowadays this would be deemed a terrible thing to do wouldn't it. It solved the problem tho.

I was wondering if DD has friends round, & if she takes them to her room ... @DeeCeeCherry makes a good point here 😁

Problem is u created this mess u let her start eating in her bedroom from 13 years of age u allowed it up until now u need to either put your foot down and tell her to buck up or find elsewhere to live or u just keep acting like a doormat and keep letting her walk all over u remember u are the parent she is the child not the other way round.

I would not throw my child out either, but I sure would stop here from using my new towels if she was so careless with laundry. Vould uou put a laundrybasket outside her door? And then demand she put her stuff in it?

Right, look I am a single parent working full time raising two teenagers I did not have the luxury of time and being at home to manage the issue of eating in their rooms when I was just trying to make it through the day and all the other things I had to do. I don’t have a back up parent either.

I’ve spoken to her properly and today we are going out to buy an extension lead (for the phone/bed situation) and a bigger laundry hamper. she’s paying, I’m driving.

she said the reason she doesn’t do washing is she just hates hanging it out to dry. She is a bit of a little princess and I need to be harder on her. Her boyfriend said he hates how messy she is so he’s not going to want to live like that if they moved out so I think having him in the conversation may have helped. We will see!

I’ve spoken to her properly and today we are going out to buy an extension lead (for the phone/bed situation) and a bigger laundry hamper. she’s paying, I’m driving.

Ha ha OP there is a huge bracing whiff of "no nonsense" in how you have phrased this - well done!

Take no notice of the Parenting Scolds btw - it's standard in AIBU, all the joys of projection with a side dose of judgy twatdom -

🤣 thanks
ok we have a HUGE laundry basket a 3m extension lead, a sage green folding crate to contain some of the floordrobe, I have all the towels cups and plates out of there and it’s only been a 3 day mission 💀

Is it laziness or procrastination and poor executive planning ability both of which are associated with ADHD

@Menopau excellent progress. Rome wasn't built in a day. Well done 👍

She didn’t charge it on the bed! Whooooo!
🤣

Yay!!!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

Right, look I am a single parent working full time raising two teenagers I did not have the luxury of time and being at home to manage the issue of eating in their rooms when I was just trying to make it through the day and all the other things I had to do. I don’t have a back up parent either.

Have great sympathy for that. But didn't you also say that she then refused to eat with you at the table when she could have done? That's what I wouldn't have allowed.

My dd has ADD and her room is a total tip, she can't get to grips with the basics at all, so I do completely understand. She also can't deal with too much noise. I have had issues with her hygiene and I have had to really stand my ground about that, and now check every single thing is done every night, brushing teeth, showering, deo use etc - which I did not expect to be doing at this age at all (14) but there we are.

One thing that stood out to me, you said you don't want to 'ruin' your relationship over this, but why would it ruin your relationship? Surely she wants you to be happy and comfortable as well? Your needs matter as much as anyone else's and whilst I totally get why you can't manage no food rule, and getting through it all is clearly more important - letting her know she is now an adult and you expect higher standards IS okay.

It is bloody hard work, one day we might miss the mess??? Or maybe not!

I have an adhd 15 year old … could have written your post regarding the morning routine …. It’s relentless and so draining …. And people just . Don’t. Understand .

Hi, ok the questions

she was eating upstairs when I was home or not, and tbh I asked her to sit at the table but she did not want to and I wasn’t able to physically force her. I don’t really believe in physical force for these things and yes I would take away the WiFi and it didn’t bother her, she would just read a book or draw or something (she is not really much of an online girl). What would you suggest, giving her no food?

She will come to spend time with me randomly just appear and start a convo but if anyone eats she will leave the room as it makes her uncomfortable. I hoped she would grow out of this but she has not yet. She will eat with others in a busy restaurant or if I played loud music and no one was eating in her direct eyeline

I don’t want to ruin our relationship as I think she’s very sensitive and doesn’t have a father present in her life. I have a poor relationship with my parents (I was a testing child!) so I hope this is more of a growing up phase that we can come out of rather than me forcing her to leave home before she really wants to by nagging. But I am right to nag about these things, I know I am not in the wrong for that, I just don’t want to go too far. With this in mind and more of a proactive approach this seems to have had a positive outcome. We didn’t argue and I got some of what I wanted - I do appreciate the advice thanks

so for anyone in this situation, perhaps just finding solutions can help you rather than constantly circling round in the same arguments! I also have made a housework rota