Daughter says I’m ‘controlling’

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I have 2 young adult children who live at home and both work.

preface is they never borrow money from me, they pay a small amount of rent, they don’t have mad house parties or anything and are pretty good sensible kids otherwise.

They help in they house but only really when asked or given instructions despite years of me getting them involved to be independent adults so I am not a total soft touch. The rest of the house is mostly kept tidy by me, but not ‘show home’ standard.

Youngest has a messy bedroom and this at times drives me mad. Her room is her business if she doesn’t change the sheets, but it does often affect everyone else. She takes all the glasses upstairs, leaves food and milk out, her room smells, the dog has got in by accident (the smell of food obviously tempting for a dog to jailbreak in) and eaten mangy food, she hoards smelly used towels, caked on food plates, charges phones on the bed etc. She is not depressed she just doesn’t really care about these things.

I will ask and ask her to sort it and she might take down the plates and glasses, but essentially I end up going in there and taking out the food and smelly damp laundry (mainly towels) when it’s smelling out the upstairs or I have run out and need to clean them.

She got cross with me today for going in her room and says it’s ‘controlling’ of me to take things out of her room, as I asked for the used towels and threw some of her damp dirty clothes in the wash as well. We are at a stalemate where each other is saying it’s disrespectful. She used to have her own towels but she does use the nice, new ones I bought. I also don’t really want her to be the smelly girl at work so I try to encourage her to wash her clothes.

How do other parents of adults manage this?
No I am not going to kick her out before people suggest this I just want to get on better with her.

She has all her own things and isn’t allowed to use the nicer communal stuff - if nice stuff is missing you are going to go into her room. Otherwise tell her that you will leave everything to her and will no longer wash her clothes or in anyway clean her things. Also, if the dog gets sick from going in her room, she has to clear it up or pay any vet bills.
You sound like you are being too soft and she is taking advantage and being lazy. Make it all her problem and she might buck up.

@Oblomov22
I would just tell her that it does affect me and it's not acceptable because it's unhygienic.

I am so unlike you. I never would have allowed the above to happen. I just shout up, "I'm putting a wash on boys, anyone got anything. Strip beds please. Move your stuff off the floor, I'm coming to hoover in a minute".
^^^
THIS
We had 4 kids (weekends and 2 fir the week)
They weren't allowed to eat in their rooms until they were mature enough. And they would have to brings plates and cups down, or the rule would be reinstated.
They kept their rooms tidy - including hoovering etc when they were older.
All washing went in the laundry basket - no exceptions.

In return they got no rent, regular healthy meals , and treats ,laundry all done - they had an ironing rota between.
A comfortable, clean house and once 16 plus could come and go as they liked.

When my teens have accused me of being controlling, I say yes, I am and that's my job as your parent so suck it up.

She has all her own things and isn’t allowed to use the nicer communal stuff

agree. She gets the oldest, scratchiest towels, and one set of crockery & so on. She is not allowed to put other people at a disadvantage.
And I'd make her do her own washing.

At 18, she's old enough to be read the riot act.

Tell her, in no uncertain terms, that her room stinks, her clothes stink and that means she will stink. People will talk behind her back and say she's a dirty get. Nobody will want to hang out with her, let alone date her and all because she's too lazy to bring her washing downstairs.

Don't pussyfoot around any longer, this is for her own good.

She sounds pretty gross.

However, i think you need to choose your battles, and not overstep boundaries.

Plates, glasses, cutlery - they’re your belongings and especially if you’re being left short, of course you can go and take them (although she should be bringing things down daily).

Towels, also your belongings - same as above.

I’d make her use her own bedding so that if it gets strained and wrecked from being filthy, it’s only her that it affects.

Laundry - none of your business. You might not like her lack of washing etc but if she smells, she smells. It’s not for you to protect her from being the smelly woman at work - when/if she smells, just tell her. Going into her room and collecting her clothes, doing her laundry is overstepping and babying her.

I couldn’t get worked up about charging her phone on the bed. Fair enough if you’re worried about it, but the fact that you know she’s doing it, means you’re going into her room which I can understand she’d feel weird about.

Simple solution to stop you going into her room is to stop hoarding plates, glasses, cutlery, towels etc

I wouldn’t kick her out. But I’d make it clear that there are other options for living, if she’d be prefer. It would cost her a lot more money though.

This! The OP is far too soft for far too long. I'm appalled actually. This filthy behaviour doesn't happen overnight. It's going to be harder to set boundaries now when the OP has been such a soft touch for years.

Ugh sounds vile and exactly like me at that age 😅. She’s lazy and she knows you will do it so you’ve got to be tough. First of all, tell her to stop behaving like a disgusting slob and give her a warning that if food is eaten upstairs, wrappers, plates, cups must be downstairs and washed that evening. If this rule is broken even once from this point on, you will ban food from going upstairs at all. Secondly, she can buy her own towels, she is banned from using yours. Get a door hook or similar so she can throw hers over there. Thirdly, you will never do her washing, she is responsible for it from this point on and let her live like a minger if she chooses. I promise she will grow out of it.

Put mouse droppings or a fake dead cockcroach in her room. If she's at all squeamish that should fix the problem 😁

Tell her to grow up, that's not being controlling it's called ground rules and respect. As others have said, invite her to leave if she doesn't like it.

I wouldn't allow this no matter what insult was aimed at me. I'd be more either you do it or I'll do it until you take responsibility. Currently have this battle with 12 year old son but he is beginning to sort it out.

Up her rent.

Tell her the extras are for buying crockery etc when she takes it and it's not available for the rest of the family.

Tell her whatever isn't used because she takes its down and pin lid space equipment can be used publicly will be returned to her on payday.

If you don't want to ask her to leave the only way you can motivate her to act responsibly and public spirited is by giving her a motivation.

Currently she gets to do fuck all for herself, gets it done for her and gets to moan about it too.

She has no motivation to change because currently it's great for her

The OP is far too soft for far too long. I'm appalled actually. This filthy behaviour doesn't happen overnight. It's going to be harder to set boundaries now when the OP has been such a soft touch for years.

Exactly. The Op is totally unreasonable to have raised an adult who thinks living like this is reasonable.

I knew someone who had a big house, she installed a washing machine and dryer om the top floor where her four children had their bedrooms. Once they were sixteen they were responsible for washing their own clothes. I wouldn't do any of your daughters washing, if she wants to live in a tip let her, and stop her taking food upstairs, it's disgusting.

You have every right to impose reasonable rules in your house, even if she is over 18 and paying rent. If she wanted to smoke in a nonsmoking house or adopt a cat when another household member is allergic or run a crack den out of her room, no one would be defending that. You can't have a health or safety hazard in your house; it's not fair to you or the other daughter (or apparently the dog). And it's reasonable for you to make sure she's not doing perm damage to a room in your house. All of these things would apply if she were a lodger somewhere or in a share house, so she might as well start practicing.

Stop doing her personal laundry, ration the bedding and dishes if you have to (she only gets a new set when she's put the old ones in the wash, or she buys her own), put some kind of closure on her door so the dog can't get in (she pays). If her room smells or attracts insects/vermin, she gets one warning and (let's say) 24 hours to deal with it or someone else will. Otherwise let her keep the door closed and do her thing. It's perfectly possible to eat in her room without dirty dishes and food waste accumulating - maybe she needs some kind of handled carrier tray so she just puts/leaves everything in it when she's done eating and takes it down. Little kids learn good habits, she can too.

Seriously at 18 she needs to buck her ideas up!
All washing brought down every day or at least put in a hamper, no matter what! If she doesn't, she buys her own towels and uses a laundrette. Stop doing her washing unless she does this.
All plate and cups taken down in morning and evening.
She opens the window once a day for 15mins & hoovers once a week. Tell her this is to stop damp and non negotiable. I wouldn't overly worry about her room otherwise though.
If I cook for my 19 year old I expect her to come and sit with me, not always at the table sometimes just in front of the tv.
If she can hold down a job she's completely capable of doing all this.
If she was living on her own and living like this she would soon realise she needs to step up as she would run out of clothes etc.

My DM used to charge my Dsis a cleaning fee as well as rent. Her room was just how you described. She paid the fee too. She was given the choice to sort it herself first,with me and DM helping with the initial deep clean but she chose to pay.
May help to wrote her a cleaning rota, every day remove dishes and washing, polish on Monday, hoover Tuesday and so on. Offer to help deep clean it and follow that rota, if she'd rather not or fails to keep up then clean yourself and charge for it.
There's also not much excuse for continuing to eat upstairs if you no longer all eat at the same time. She could alone downstairs, keep the dog away and the TV off.

I'm thinking about the carpet. If it gets too minging and needs cleaning, or replacing, does she know the cost of these and is she prepared to pay?

You don't have to kick her out, but this dynamic is why it is preferable for adults not to remain living in their parents home. Surely you'll all be happier if she moves on to live as an independent adult?

The problem with this thread in a nuushell:

1. Because you made her pay "rent" she has rights now

She has paid for her room. That is hers. You have no right to intrude now without her permission.

1. This is why I always tell parents making their kids pay "rent" is a bad idea. Contributing to utilities and other common expenses is fine, but do not fall into the trap of making them pay for their room.

Once you do, you cannot enter their room without permission.

Because by LAW, they have rights.

OP YANBU your house your rules, you can do whatever the fuck you want and if she doesn't like that tell her to go, she's an adult, not 14.

Really great that your ADHD doesn't effect you in that way, that's nice for you. Hooray for your executive function.

O have - she’s 18! Not really a proper adult. I was a bit like your daughter I think up until was about 25. Just encourage her to find a flat, find her own way and you’ll get on fine and dandy.

If you don't want her to move out then the only alternative is that she has her things, glass, plates, towels, bedding and isn't allowed to use anyone else's

this could attract mice and there will still be a smell.

That was meant to say ‘Och…’ (I’m Scottish!)