Daughter says I’m ‘controlling’

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I have 2 young adult children who live at home and both work.

preface is they never borrow money from me, they pay a small amount of rent, they don’t have mad house parties or anything and are pretty good sensible kids otherwise.

They help in they house but only really when asked or given instructions despite years of me getting them involved to be independent adults so I am not a total soft touch. The rest of the house is mostly kept tidy by me, but not ‘show home’ standard.

Youngest has a messy bedroom and this at times drives me mad. Her room is her business if she doesn’t change the sheets, but it does often affect everyone else. She takes all the glasses upstairs, leaves food and milk out, her room smells, the dog has got in by accident (the smell of food obviously tempting for a dog to jailbreak in) and eaten mangy food, she hoards smelly used towels, caked on food plates, charges phones on the bed etc. She is not depressed she just doesn’t really care about these things.

I will ask and ask her to sort it and she might take down the plates and glasses, but essentially I end up going in there and taking out the food and smelly damp laundry (mainly towels) when it’s smelling out the upstairs or I have run out and need to clean them.

She got cross with me today for going in her room and says it’s ‘controlling’ of me to take things out of her room, as I asked for the used towels and threw some of her damp dirty clothes in the wash as well. We are at a stalemate where each other is saying it’s disrespectful. She used to have her own towels but she does use the nice, new ones I bought. I also don’t really want her to be the smelly girl at work so I try to encourage her to wash her clothes.

How do other parents of adults manage this?
No I am not going to kick her out before people suggest this I just want to get on better with her.

I wouldn’t be doing her washing. If it’s stinking the house out, just collect it up in a bin bag and put it outside or in the garage. You have had lots of other suggestions so I won’t repeat what you need to do.

I think it’s natural to think she’s being disrespectful but o don’t think it’s her intention or that it is deliberate. She seems to seek the instant gratification of say eating and leaving the plates there rather than effort to finish the process. Her mess defines her not in that she’s a mess but she has control over it so it’s become part of her space that she owns. As a mother it’s worrying frustrating and hard to break the stalemate ask her if u can have 3 non negotiables (wet towels, food/crockery and worn underwear ). Forget the phn etc etc. your attempts to control reflects your anxiety/fear for her sake. do u celebrate her positives? Get her to make u tea etc so u feel less resentful when doing stuff for her. Seems disorganisation is how her brain works and there is some emotional coping mechanism like avoidance at play. Surely she’s adhd?

My 17 year DD and 13 year old DS are like this;they are both also autistic.

I've had to take a seriously hard line on what they can and cannot do upstairs.

No food is allowed upstairs;no drinks aside from water in a water bottle is allowed upstairs;following on those rules no crockery,cutlery is allowed upstairs.

As soon as laundry is done it has to put away;my 13 year old I divide into sections eg pyjamas,underwear and give it to him section by section to put away.

Storage is really important;I've brought them both a 16 cube Kalax cube from ikea.The cubes are labelled eg T-shirts,jeans etc

They both have a laundry hamper in their rooms.

I remind them about towels after I know they've been in the shower.

I have to be strict with them both as they both share a room with a sibling of the same sex (said siblings are expected to follow these rules too);my elder son is 18.

I'd strongly suggest DD buys herself a set of her own towels and use of household towels is banned if she can't be trusted with them.

Also don't do her laundry;it's her responsibility;my 17&18 year olds do their own.

She might be 18 but her habits are disgusting and it's affecting the rest of the household.

We live in the countryside and get quite a lot of mice.

My kids are therefore told they can't take food up to their rooms.

Just be a bit tougher with her. It's your house!

Maybe you get a routine together for your dd?

I used to go into a dream world as a teen. I still clock out of conversations mid way through some of the time and struggle with following one thing, easily distracted etc. I also find a lot of sound overwhelming.

It took me until I had my dd and forced myself into a routine with her before I was good at time management. I was like your dd but not as bad in my teens. We didn’t have much, I had my specific towel, was taught to always hang it on my chair to dry and not many clothes so this helped.

I’m not the best at tidying now but I learned probably to pick up things as I go from one room to another so they aren’t left there - again since having dd and not wanting mess etc. Having dogs also helped as they’d pinch food scraps.

One thing, which would be useful is some kind of bullet point guide, maybe written and stick on her vanity mirror? So your dd does these things every day - brings all dirty washing down, brings all dirty dishes down, hangs her towel to dry in a specific spot and puts her clean clothes away. If she needs visual cues, what about a couple of collapsible crates that she puts them in when used? www.argos.co.uk/product/9610604?istCompanyId=a74d8886-5df9-4baa-b776-166b3bf9111c&istFeedId=30f62ea9-9626-4cac-97c8-9ff3921f8558&istItemId=plprtltmw&istBid=t&&cmpid=GS001&_$ja=tsid:59157%7Cacid:844-913-7556%7Ccid:16627503725%7Cagid:135140859016%7Ctid:pla-1644654608856%7Ccrid:588746567475%7Cnw:u%7Crnd:4901518026408838229%7Cdvc:c%7Cadp:%7Cmt:%7Cloc:1006867&utm_source=Google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=16627503725&utm_term=9610604&utm_content=shopping&utm_custom1=135140859016&utm_custom2=844-913-7556&GPDP=true&gclid=Cj0KCQiA99ybBhD9ARIsALvZavV0xmYg9nu4FDVGk8b8Kqkt6xYLQTNcxZdsiyp-X7rljI4zyA1cOlEaAjFZEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

Posted too soon. I would also increase your dd’s rent to pay for a cleaner and buy her 2 towels of her colour choice. The cleaner will have the job of clean, tidying a bit, changing sheets etc. Also do the same with your other adult dc if needed. If she your dd doesn’t organise herself, the other option is to get the cleaner to do this if she pays. I would look at bullet proofing as much as possible. I really like natural consequences so in this scenario she then has no towels and loses money to pay for things she can’t be bothered to do.

She is being totally disrespectful to you and the rest of the household. You need to set rules like

• no food upstairs - only drinks or water
• glasses brought down every morning
• towels and washing into a washing basket every morning

you could also get some black rice (uncooked) and scatter some about her room especially at edge of bed etc. OMG mouse droppings!!!!!!!
that might shock her into keeping it clean

I wouldn’t have dreamed of doing this when younger. Sit her down and have a conversation about this. Tell her it’s your house and isn’t acceptable behaviour and is having consequences I.e the dog being poorly.
If she eats and drinks in her room and brings the stuff down when she’s finished and the same with towels. If she can’t manage this then she can eat downstairs! If she keeps disrespecting you I’d tell her she can’t life with you as she’s being rude and ungrateful!

I think living at home as a young adult is difficult - it’s hard to get out of the ‘child’ role (I used to regress to grumpy, messy teenager every time I came back from uni for the holidays, I hated that I did it but as soon as my mum started nagging it kind of flicked a switch in my brain). Does she want to be living at home or could you explore the possibility of her living in a flatshare with friends? I remember at 18 absolutely relishing the independence of living away from home (and managing surprisingly well). I would ask her what she’d rather do, whether she’d rather live independently (not as a threat but in a ‘I know it can be hard living at home when you want more independence’ kind of way). If she would rather stay with you, then it’s her choice to accept your house rules, as others have said, I’d have non-negotiables (like no food upstairs).

I honestly would try starting a routine with her. Dicuss with her washing arrangements and the fact no food must be left more than a day as it will attract more unpleasant creatures than the dog. At least twice a week you need dirty towels or her to leave the laundry basket outside her room whenever she has wet towels. Only one glass or plate in her room ad its not fair on everyone when there are no pots left for anyone else. You can also leave dark grains of rice or dried shrivelled raisins on her leftovers when she's not looking and in her clothes or around the edges of her room to look like rat and mice droppings it might make her clean up more often x

She is playing you hy using words like controlling. I would say "i am not controlling enough as you are leaving your room in that awful state despite me 'controlling' you. Get the dishes in the dishwasher and the laundry in the basket now"

Every day stand her room and complain until she does the basics. You aren't being controling you are making her meet minimum hygeine standards.

Times have changed so much.

If I had lived like this and was working my parents would’ve told me it was time to move out, find my own place and then I can live how I want. Why is that not an option?

You’re not being controlling, you just expect your adult daughter to live like an adult and not a young teenager.

Ah just read she’s only 18. I had presumed she was early 20’s. In that case I can see why moving out isn’t an option.

OP I was like this, all I can say is that I did grow out of it. I don't think I was as bad as your DD but only because my Mum would have thrown me down the stairs along with the wet towels....

Things I think that helped me:

Every Saturday from me being a teen my Mum would bellow up the stairs 'WASHING'. It then became a very funny game (which we stil do now if she's staying with me) for me to throw washing over the bannister rail and for it to fall on her head, while she tried to catch it. She'd occasionally prompt - 'towels' or 'bedding'.

Pots had to come down whenever the dishwasher went on. It's not really controlling to just say - dishwasher going on - get your pots from your bedroom on a daily basis.

Also my Mum would be upstairs emptying the bathroom bins to take out and she'd come into my room and say 'rubbish please' and I'd have to stop whatever I was doing and throw anything in - usually with her pointing - pizza box, wrappers etc

Honestly though I'm not sure how much conversations actually work. If I was told to do something but with no real immediacy I would have forgotten. If I was told to do something 'now', it would get done.

Sometimes it's just about habit forming. I got used to bringing my mugs and cups down daily before the dishwasher went on. I got used to throwing my washing over the bannister rail on a Saturday morning. I also got used to jumping up from my bed to put my rubbish in a bin liner on a Saturday morning.

Beyond that - my Mum would always survey my room and say good grief before closing the door.

I did grow out of it. I'm nothing like my teenage self in that respect now.

The sheer size of her washing mountain shows me she does wear clean clothes 😑. Usually because I have barged in, washed them at some point

Why would you do that if she is old enough to know how to use the washing machine herself? Perhaps if you leave her to become the "smelly girl at work", which is the natural consequence of her behaviour, she would be motivated to up her game without all the strife.

And me - eating in a bedroom is disgusting.

Stop the eating upstairs and you won't have a dog issue (and you can ignore the mess!)

Stop doing this - just collect the towels and leave all her crap on the floor!

There is another thread on MN right now about a terrible lodger, and most of the advice is to get her out fast and change the locks. Anybody with a lodger like your daughter would have thrown her out ages ago. I'm not saying you should throw your own daughter out, but her cleanliness and hygiene standards are unacceptable, and you're not being at all unreasonable (or controlling) in demanding much better from her. Your house, your rules.

You are definitely not being unreasonable - but just to say this is probably quite normal for an 18 year old who has always had you cleaning up after them and has no experience of living somewhere else.

I was exactly the same when I was 18 - moving out did wonders for my relationship with my parents.

Though saying that, I've never really become tidy like my mum. Instead I married someone who is tidy, and he basically does all the household tasks.

So I'm not saying your daughter will drastically change, but after she's moved out she'll realise how difficult she acted and appreciate you and your help a lot more.

This was me as a teenager! I was so messy.

I kept leaving my hair straighteners on despite my step dad repeatedly asking me not to.

I remember he said for the 50th time, please turn them off, if I find them on again I'll cut the lead.

Needless to say....I had to buy a new pair!

Funnily now I'm very careful and I'm a complete neat freak. My home is a 'show home' type and I feel awful if it's a tip.

Start bagging up her dirty clothes in bin bags and leave them in the laundry. She’ll run out soon enough.

Sit her down and say if she chooses to live with you there is no food upstairs, wet towels must be washed/dried and that she must contribute to chores. If that’s too “controlling” for her liking she can move out.

My parents had to ask my parents to leave when she was 18. They gave her two weeks notice. She had a full time job and it was fine. Her first set of flatnates kicked her out within six months. She learnt fast.

She has a floordrobe and they all get mixed up so she gets annoyed if I wash the clothes as I just pick it all up and some of it isn’t really dirty and she wanted to wear it. The sheer size of her washing mountain shows me she does wear clean clothes 😑. Usually because I have barged in, washed them at some point
Why are you doing this?
I get that you need to go in & 'rescue' wet towels as the stink the top floor of your house out.
But why are you enabling her with her laundry & floordrobe?
You said you were worried her clothes will start to smell. Just let them. Her friends will soon tell her she whiffs. Her family can point it out too.

She got cross with me today for going in her room and says it’s ‘controlling’ of me to take things out of her room,
"ha ha ha nice try DD. You clearly don't understand what controlling behaviour consists of. It's manipulative of you to take MY things into your room, misuse them til you are stinking the place out, refuse to care for them properly & then complain that somehow I'm at fault. Maybe you need to move out, & start finding £800 for private rental? For that money it will be a shared place, so when you stink that place out too, let me know what your housemates think of your habits."

That's what I was going to suggest.

You should stop washing her clothes, that's not a health issue for anyone else, let her be smelly, she'll soon learn. I'd also tell her if she doesn't keep the house to the standard you expect, she should leave. Wherever she lives in the future, she'll find there are rules, so best she learns that now

Sounds exactly like my DS ...he hates the mess with a passion but gets total overwhelm when it comes to cleaning it, and gets very defensive about it. He's borderline asd.