Daughter says I’m ‘controlling’

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I have 2 young adult children who live at home and both work.

preface is they never borrow money from me, they pay a small amount of rent, they don’t have mad house parties or anything and are pretty good sensible kids otherwise.

They help in they house but only really when asked or given instructions despite years of me getting them involved to be independent adults so I am not a total soft touch. The rest of the house is mostly kept tidy by me, but not ‘show home’ standard.

Youngest has a messy bedroom and this at times drives me mad. Her room is her business if she doesn’t change the sheets, but it does often affect everyone else. She takes all the glasses upstairs, leaves food and milk out, her room smells, the dog has got in by accident (the smell of food obviously tempting for a dog to jailbreak in) and eaten mangy food, she hoards smelly used towels, caked on food plates, charges phones on the bed etc. She is not depressed she just doesn’t really care about these things.

I will ask and ask her to sort it and she might take down the plates and glasses, but essentially I end up going in there and taking out the food and smelly damp laundry (mainly towels) when it’s smelling out the upstairs or I have run out and need to clean them.

She got cross with me today for going in her room and says it’s ‘controlling’ of me to take things out of her room, as I asked for the used towels and threw some of her damp dirty clothes in the wash as well. We are at a stalemate where each other is saying it’s disrespectful. She used to have her own towels but she does use the nice, new ones I bought. I also don’t really want her to be the smelly girl at work so I try to encourage her to wash her clothes.

How do other parents of adults manage this?
No I am not going to kick her out before people suggest this I just want to get on better with her.

I’d also agree with the neurodiverse comments. My DD is autistic so I do give some support and guidance without flying off the handles. I do go into her room (she’s still a child though but a teen) to collect her washing and crockery. I’ve since banned food other than drinks. My NT younger daughter does a lot more herself as far as tidying and it is hard with a ND teen. But she still needs boundaries and rules.

Life in the hills : see my above posts…. I wandered the same 😍 that people are beginning to consider this hidden disability

-Dont do her clothes, that should be her responsibility.
-she has designated towels, if they're damp and smelly, tough shit
-you are allowed to go in her room to retrieve cups etc if she is refusing to bring them down but I would suggest getting her her own set for xmas and she is not allowed to use anyone elses

She needs to learn to adult. She is an adult and old enough to understand the natural consequences of her actions.

Tell her she can clean her room herself or pay for a cleaner (you?) to do it every week.
Untidy is one thing but dirty and smelly is not acceptable.

For Christmas, of you exchange presents, buy her a set of towels that are for her own use. Then ban her from us8mg the family towels. If she does not ash her own towels, that is her problem - you are not controlling her, but giving her independence then.

I don’t think making her pay for regular cleaning is a good idea. She may start saying I’m paying for this and it’s not up to my standards. It may make her think she’s not doing anything wrong instead of learning to fit in. It just instinctively feels wrong somehow.

you can make it very clear that if she feels controlled she can leave.

It would sort of prove her point though!

There's mess and then there's disgusting filth...as weird as it sounds some people like living in filth.
They like their own smell and it comforts them. As for the people blaming ADHD...nope disagree.

Yes, ADHD people can be messy but not necessarily living in filth.

She is only 18, though - old enough to look after her room better, but young enough for it to be within the norm for her to behave totally irresponsibly with regard to some of the duller aspects of adult life. It’s difficult when still living at home to let teenagers learn from their mistakes, though, because the whole family has to suffer from them. So, you are kind of stuck not being able to treat her as the fully grown adult she actually isn’t.

Do you have any kind of roster agreed between you all for using washing machines, helping round the house, ensuring there are enough plates and cups in the kitchen for everyone’s use, and towels in the bathroom, etc? Because no house share works well if nobody has properly discussed expectations and responsibilities, and if she thinks she is now an adult, then she is house sharing, not being looked after by Mum at home. If she accepts she is not a fully grown adult, then she also has to accept that she needs to listen to the adults occasionally and comply better with their reasonable expectations of communal living, or she will have her personal space invaded.

As for other 18-year olds, some student houses really are utterly vile - plenty of them do fail to put the bins out, thus accumulating huge amounts of rubbish which attracts rats; have loud parties into the early hours; and generally behave in utterly selfish, self-centred ways that show no respect whatsoever for the people living around them.

The phone charging would worry me. Is there a video about the danger to show her.

Tell her she can move out if she doesn't like it. Let her be smelly. She needs to understand consequences of her choices.

When she wants a boyfriend/ girlfriend she might start thinking about her rank personal hygiene.

You’re really not controlling OP. If you were her room would be in a better state!

DD living under your roof so your rules. She should be treated the same as your other children. I once told my daughter I would take pics and put them on social media, worked for a few week

London Fire Brigade don’t appear to worry about charging on a bed.

How to stay safe

Firefighter safety tips for charging your devices

Always use the charger that came with your phone, tablet, e-cigarette or mobile device.
If you need to buy a replacement, always choose a branded, genuine product from a supplier you can trust. There are lots of fakes out there, and it can be difficult to spot the difference.
Avoid storing, using or charging batteries at very high or low temperatures.
Protect batteries against being damaged – that's crushed, punctured or immersed in water.
Don’t leave items continuously on charge after the charge cycle is complete – it's best not to leave your phone plugged in overnight for example.

Never cover chargers or charging devices – that includes using your laptop power lead in bed.

When you travel, avoid keeping all your items containing lithium ion batteries together, especially on a plane. Check with your flight carrier for additional information or advice.
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Is she ok mentally? Sometimes when people are unable to look after themselves and their little surroundings they have some kind of depression

The more I read the more I think she is controlling you, not the other way round, she’s certainly got the upper hand not changing sheets on the bed for 2/3 months , how can you be clean sleeping like that, her room reeks wet towels mangy food dog eating some food and having the shits! Omg do you really condone all this, she’s manipulating you can’t you see that, shes stubborn but you love her, if you love her then you come down hard on her , you are far too soft op, rooms that have rotting food will attract vermin, what you going to do then, let it carry on! She’s 18 for goodness sake.

Why on earth not?

My DC was doing a pretty minimum wage job and they managed - shared flat. Absolutely loved it

Then it's fine to help and guide (not 'do')

Not really. If you eat in your bedroom, have a smelly floordrobe, , and it's YOUR HOME then crack on @CuriousMama .

Till it caught fire.

Ask the Fire Brigade...

I'm still not entirely sure what (if anything) you're going to 'do' about it.

Having little chats about is isn't getting you anywhere

I am currently dealing with this with my 11yr old. She has been told no food or drinks in her room and I now refuse to wash her clothes if she runs out that is her problem she is also not allowed to keep taking clean towels when she has towels in her room!
Sent the rules and when she argues just point out that are rules and you will stop nagging when she follows them!
Good luck though as I know it is really hard to keep repeating yourself on this x

I do appreciate the advice I think we all need to bear in mind that this is a little snapshot and not a whole picture of what a terrible parent I am or terrible person she is.

I don’t agree with some of the suggestions of the more hardcore parenting tips here but I am not calling people out on them, each to their own. I try to live life on the narrow edge of if I ‘get hit by a bus tomorrow people won’t just remember me for being a nagging controlling harridan’ vs ‘get your shit together kid you are disgusting’

l am going to show her videos of house fires from phones as I think this is so so important so thanks for reiterating it.

I’ve never wondered if she has ADHD. She is a fairly quiet introvert, she’s articulate she is just also quite lazy.

This isn’t me saying people with ADHD are not articulate! Just she is and she is doing this on purpose rather than not being able to

My Sis was like this for a while, growing up.

Mum started showing her mates straight up to her room when they popped round. Same when she got her 1st boyfriend. So I guess Sis was shamed out of it although nowadays this would be deemed a terrible thing to do wouldn't it. It solved the problem tho.

Tell your DD to buy her own towels and plates, and that she's not allowed access to yours. She doesnt respect you or the home, she's not clean so thats how it has to be.

Stand your ground.