Daughter says I’m ‘controlling’

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I have 2 young adult children who live at home and both work.

preface is they never borrow money from me, they pay a small amount of rent, they don’t have mad house parties or anything and are pretty good sensible kids otherwise.

They help in they house but only really when asked or given instructions despite years of me getting them involved to be independent adults so I am not a total soft touch. The rest of the house is mostly kept tidy by me, but not ‘show home’ standard.

Youngest has a messy bedroom and this at times drives me mad. Her room is her business if she doesn’t change the sheets, but it does often affect everyone else. She takes all the glasses upstairs, leaves food and milk out, her room smells, the dog has got in by accident (the smell of food obviously tempting for a dog to jailbreak in) and eaten mangy food, she hoards smelly used towels, caked on food plates, charges phones on the bed etc. She is not depressed she just doesn’t really care about these things.

I will ask and ask her to sort it and she might take down the plates and glasses, but essentially I end up going in there and taking out the food and smelly damp laundry (mainly towels) when it’s smelling out the upstairs or I have run out and need to clean them.

She got cross with me today for going in her room and says it’s ‘controlling’ of me to take things out of her room, as I asked for the used towels and threw some of her damp dirty clothes in the wash as well. We are at a stalemate where each other is saying it’s disrespectful. She used to have her own towels but she does use the nice, new ones I bought. I also don’t really want her to be the smelly girl at work so I try to encourage her to wash her clothes.

How do other parents of adults manage this?
No I am not going to kick her out before people suggest this I just want to get on better with her.

I'd explain that how she lives and has her room is up to her but only up to the point where it impacts on other people. If she's hoarding towels and crockery then they're not available to other people in the house to use. She either brings it out or you will go in and get it. If she wants privacy then bring the shit out and keep the door closed.

If she disagrees then she's free to find somewhere else to live (My eldest is the same age and just moved out to Uni. She's fine, loving the independence.)

It's very selfish of her to hoard crockery/cutlery/towels so that other run out.

That would really piss me off.

I had this with my oldest, I feel your pain. She would say ‘ you can’t go into my room without my permission’ but I’d reply that it’s her room, but my house, my name is on the deeds and I pay the bills.
So I bought her a washing basket to go in her room, and once a week I’d go in and Chuck everything off the floor on her bed, then I’d dust and hoover it and remove any plates etc. I’d also open her window every day.
I didn’t want my house getting dirty and damp, so I chose to do it myself. She would strop on finding her stuff on her bed. But I untold her she had a choice to leave, but I had no choice on how she treated her room. She moved out when she got a serious boyfriend

Fire risk if it overheat. We have lost our home for nearly a year now and approx 85% of of our belongings for that exact reason. And if it had happened at night the smoke would probably have killed us.

I don’t eat upstairs unless I am WFH where my office is but she has been eating upstairs since she was about 13 and refused to eat with me anymore

if I just leave it she will do it herself at some point, when she needs something clean or she will ask for my help. When wanted to decorate her room and I said to do that she would need to clear it all out, which she did and it was nice for about a week. Then she needed something repairing in there and a workman was coming, so jointly we cleared it all out again. Now it’s back to a smelly gross mess. I’m more annoyed she’s called me controlling and said I am ‘pretending to be helpful’ rather than just say thank you or do it herself

Where are we meant to be charging phones? Genuine question. Mine is usually on the floor or the arm of the sofa

I would just tell her that it does affect me and it's not acceptable because it's unhygienic.

I am so unlike you. I never would have allowed the above to happen. I just shout up, "I'm putting a wash on boys, anyone got anything. Strip beds please. Move your stuff off the floor, I'm coming to hoover in a minute".

Last night Dh finished decorating Ds1's room, now he's at Uni (I mean a quick refresh/lick of white paint). Then told ds2 he had to sleep in Ds1's bed, so Dh can then do the same to ds2's.Lifted his bed upright, found a few wrappers. Hoovered, only do that sporadically. I wasn't that bad. Took 2 minutes. Why would anyone let it get too bad?

Is she plannng on going to Uni next year?If not I would suggest a house share,she needsto grow.I wouldn’t put up with that,her behaviour is awful.You would be doing her a favour.For now stop going in her room,no washing or clearing up after.I would go to a charity shop buy towels, crockery,linen etc tell her these are hers.Lock on your lovely things.Noneof this is normal but you know this.18 is not young unless SEN.

At some point presumably she will run out of clothes / towels / crockery. What would happen then?

The rest of the family would also have run out of clean towels and crockery, because they are all festering in her room.

When she pays an equal share of the cost of running the household, then she can have an equal say in how it's run.

did she clear up after the dog when it had the shits?

Yes, you are controlling - "determine the behaviour or supervise the running of."
Since she cannot or (more likely) is unwilling to follow basic standards of cleanliness and hygiene, never mind show some respect for both herself and her home, it's left to others to do.

"Controlling" has become a very modern way to justify crappy behaviour.

On the kitchen counter.

I don’t really let it happen I end up doing it and nagging and being bossy, that’s why she is saying I am controlling. I went in there and said ok this is enough, clear up and give me towels for laundry. I ask her every single day. She moaned and whinged about it then got dressed and went out!

she isn’t going to uni

I do worry about fire hazard, I go and take away all the ragged old shit chargers and bought her a proper apple one to try reduce the risk.

You clearly aren't controlling though. She's living under your roof. I appreciate as kids get to adult age you need to navigate them having independence and being treated like an adult but then she needs to behave like one to. If her room stinks so much its starting to waft upstairs then she needs to do something about it. You don't want to chuck her out but where are the consequences?

I'd show her this thread tbh. I'd also call a family meeting be clear and set put your expectations for everyone. If she wants to live in a hovel that is fine but I wouldn't stand for it in my house.

In an ideal world you don't charge it when you are not there/unconscious. But think about the material the phone is on , if the phone is likely to get overheated- direct Sun, mirror/glass reflection, under bedding etc. shaded floor area should be fine ditto a settee providing it's not tucked in to side.

she has been eating upstairs since she was about 13 and refused to eat with me anymore

tell her that due to her disgusting habits she is not allowed food or drink upstairs anymore. Except water.

she is acting like a kid, so treat her like a kid. And if she doesn’t like it, she can move out.

do not pander to her slovenly habits any more.

And tell her that she is being the controlling one, and you have let her get away with it for far too long.

13 year olds do not get to decide they are eating in their room and leaving all their crap behind them.

My 23 year old lives at home and her room is often messy. I clean her bathroom once a week as I do the rest of the house but leave her bedroom, her bed and washing to her. I do this to make sure the bathroom is clean to my standards-she would do it but not that well! You’re not controlling at all. Tell her to buy her own towels and not to use the new ones. She has to respect your house-leave her to do her own washing. If she doesn’t like it, you can always suggest to her she might be happier having her own place. Tell her how it’s getting you down and to be an adult about it rather than a recalcitrant teen. If no result, increase her rent to pay for a cleaner😊

I’m going to hide behind my hands here and admit that I was messy like your young adult daughter. Must admit she sounds a little worse but I used to hoard towels, food, mess too…

My mum was also fuming with me a lot, and now I’m a bit older I can understand why! I’m 27 now. Have my own place with husband so now I can understand why it’s frustrating having that mess in your home!

First of all you’re not controlling! She’s probably just embarrassed.
My mum and dad sat me down and basically said they would either help me or i can do it myself but I had a deadline to have my room clean by.

I think mine was partly laziness but anxiety and mental health were also a reason I was very messy and kept food in drawers etc I was a bit of a hoarder. So maybe speak to her

When one of mine was in his late teens and moaning about me going into his bedroom to find towels and glasses he was told now that he is over 18 his room is a is a space I allow him to use and I expect a reasonable standard of decency. I also reminded him it is my name on the deeds and when he gets his on place he can choose how to live. Guess what? 5 years later he is buying a home and it is immaculate! There is not a cup out of place and all the towels get washed and pegged out on the line and smell nice and fresh!!

This has been going on far too long. Why did you allow a 13 year old to eat upstairs? I can understand an apple or packet of crisps but anything more than that is disgusting.

You’re not being controlling, you’re being a normal person who doesn’t want to live in filth. Don’t wash her clothes and don’t allow her to take crockery or food upstairs. I’d ask for the towels back regularly and for her to put them in the laundry basket. If she doesn’t like it, she can move out. I’m embarrassed for her and feel bad for you and the others putting up with it.

She doesn't have the right to hoard all the family glasses, towels etc.

She should be told to buy and use her own from now on. Anytime she takes anything not belonging to her into her room you take something of hers (phonecharger?).

Or She moves out.

My daughter (now 16) is on the spectrum, and we had this problem.

We started by saying any pots needed to be left outside her room on a tray … this has now led to her bringing her pots downstairs after use.

Her washing / towels were the same .. so again it was the same process “leave them outside your room” .. which is now a wash basket brought downstairs

Rubbish - now a bin bag in room.

She didn’t like us going in her room.. so we stopped .. and left it to her - it was awful at one point, but we are in a better place now. It was “I won’t go in your room, as long as you do the things listed”

@VanillaSpiceCandle
that's how it started out, snacks

then as I was at work and they got older she would buy or make food and eat it there. The bedroom to her is like a studio flat I think. She works shifts now so we don’t all eat at the same times. I think if I had space for a table in the kitchen she would eat there but it’s in the lounge so she usually takes her food up to her room now
no one likes eating on the sofa cos of the greedy dog

I expect my 17 and 19 year olds to clean well at least clear out their rooms once a week
We all use the cups so don't want mould and i do most of the washing so want it washed together and none of us want to live in a smelly house
Ds1 is now at uni and they have room checks there as well
Its just basic common courteously to consider others you live with
So they may not polish or hoover as much as I would like but cups : plates , washing are removed min once a week but mostly more and they know I will go in there if needed,

There are no consequences for her behaviour. And at 18 it's going to be hard to introduce any.

But as long as you keep going in and tidying up for her, she'll keep doing it.

Maybe as she wants to act like a child you should treat her like one and ground her/remove privileges if she keeps doing it.