Daughter says I’m ‘controlling’

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I have 2 young adult children who live at home and both work.

preface is they never borrow money from me, they pay a small amount of rent, they don’t have mad house parties or anything and are pretty good sensible kids otherwise.

They help in they house but only really when asked or given instructions despite years of me getting them involved to be independent adults so I am not a total soft touch. The rest of the house is mostly kept tidy by me, but not ‘show home’ standard.

Youngest has a messy bedroom and this at times drives me mad. Her room is her business if she doesn’t change the sheets, but it does often affect everyone else. She takes all the glasses upstairs, leaves food and milk out, her room smells, the dog has got in by accident (the smell of food obviously tempting for a dog to jailbreak in) and eaten mangy food, she hoards smelly used towels, caked on food plates, charges phones on the bed etc. She is not depressed she just doesn’t really care about these things.

I will ask and ask her to sort it and she might take down the plates and glasses, but essentially I end up going in there and taking out the food and smelly damp laundry (mainly towels) when it’s smelling out the upstairs or I have run out and need to clean them.

She got cross with me today for going in her room and says it’s ‘controlling’ of me to take things out of her room, as I asked for the used towels and threw some of her damp dirty clothes in the wash as well. We are at a stalemate where each other is saying it’s disrespectful. She used to have her own towels but she does use the nice, new ones I bought. I also don’t really want her to be the smelly girl at work so I try to encourage her to wash her clothes.

How do other parents of adults manage this?
No I am not going to kick her out before people suggest this I just want to get on better with her.

I had these moments too. Sometimes it's the only way to learn.

I don't think telling her to leave or telling her she could leave is the right answer (not unless it's said somewhat flippantly in a row like - 'well if you don't like it feel free to leave' type of thing in the way @KettrickenSmiled suggests, which is a good way of putting the point over in more of a 'if you think you have it hard then try X' - but without genuine threat) - not if you want to raise an adult who puts family first.

Hard to really argue that your adult child with her own children should put themselves out to visit, stay with you, spend Christmas with you, help you in old age - when you turfed them out at 17-18yrs old for being messy (even if it is extreme).

I'm sure, like me, you got over having your straightners cut, but you wouldn't get over your parents sitting you down to discuss you seriously moving out or handing you a suitcase.

But that's just me, I was still in education at 18yrs so perhaps different.

I was very similar to this when I was a teenager. My Dad would come in and look like a glass collector in a pub because he’d have three mugs in each hand which I’d left stagnant tea in. Often I would finish food and slide the plate under my bed. My bedroom was a tip. My personal hygiene was excellent though and I’d spend loads on good clothes which I’d then leave in a heap. Having said all that, my house now is immaculate and we all have a good laugh at how my bedroom in my parents beautiful home always resembled a squat. I can’t really remember them bollocking me, I just let them get on with taking plates and mugs and I’d have to tidy it and put away clean washing every few weeks.

One of my four AC where bit similar wet towels crisp packets cans , used to drive me potty, not nearly as bad as yours though, left home and has a beautifully kept home now, I know that doesn’t help but I’d be telling her I would be increasing her rent and if she didn’t want me in her bedroom then she needs to get her act together ,I’d put a stop to food being eaten upstairs too.

"Controlling" is now so overused and as a comeback for being called out on unacceptable behaviour.

It does such a disservice to those who really do experience it😡

Tell the dirty, disrespectful mare to shape up or ship out OP.

Perhaps a scalable charge of rent depending on tidiness of room..

charges phones on the bed
__
I can't see why this is a problem though.

Fire - charging batteries on beds can cause a fire.

Print her out some house rules and bullet points as reminders. Offer to help her get her bedroom clean and tidy and ask her once a week to keep on top of it or you will go in there and sort it yourself.

I had this when mine were teenagers. The rule was that they had to go hoover and dust their room during the weekend and change their bed once a fortnight. Towels had to be hung back up in the bathroom and last a week.

Every six weeks I warned them I was going to go in and everything on the floor was going in a bin bag. If they could tell me what was in the bin bag they could have it back. They never bothered!

When the eldest left for uni he wrote and thanked us as he said he was the most organised one in their uni flat and used to do the ironing for the others and they paid him. All thanks to our "controlling" parenting!

I once opened bedroom window and threw all teenagers clothes I found on the floor out into the garden. Then hoovered.

With another I videod the mess all of it. Then said it would be sent on social media to various places FB etc. He cleaned the room.

Mine are only allowed water in the bedroom no food.

Chargers, buy her one of these for Xmas
www.amazon.co.uk/iBlockCube-Universal-Extension-Electrical-Accessories/dp/B0855SN2V7?pd_rd_w=o1Lqk&content-id=amzn1.sym.7e1aba63-f32a-4d3d-8a78-f7fbbae425e1&pf_rd_p=7e1aba63-f32a-4d3d-8a78-f7fbbae425e1&pf_rd_r=8M5G8RMNF7XCMQCP7GT0&pd_rd_wg=kkWMW&pd_rd_r=b7126a23-babf-468e-b3b5-5bdecf979be0&pd_rd_i=B0855SN2V7&psc=1&ref_=pd_basp_bia_rpt_ba_s_1_sc

OH and put the rent up and stop washing her clothes. At university she'd have to wash her own

Pick your battles.
Tell both dc house rules are no food left in rooms, all crockery and cutlery to be washed at the end of each day.
Only use your own towels. If they get fetid enough she’ll soon wash them.
I’d ignore the phone charging.

Hi.
I went straight to your replies to work out if anyone has mentioned adhd. Because it sounded familiar! I see she has siblings who are adhd. … it runs in families ! Please consider this may be ( inattentive) a potential part of the issue xx

Lots of questions sorry ok..

I will have to replace the carpet in her room, yes. She likes art and it’s covered in paint, spilt food stains etc. I do make her clean it and she paid for her room redecoration.

The ‘rent’ is a small amount for utilities mostly. I supply an evening meal. They are meant to buy snack food for themselves, DD1 keeps this downstairs. DD2 keeps it in her room. 😑

I worry about pests and it might help to lay down some rice as poo although she would think mice are cute 🙄. She doesn’t like spiders and if there has been one on the floor she won’t move anything for a few days hoping it goes away

She is still like a sulky child. She is also the most stubborn person Ive ever met. Even as a toddler I couldn’t bribe her to do anything she didn’t want to do.

I’ve tried all of the advice here at one point in the last few years since it’s got like this. It started to get bad when we moved house then got much worse in lockdown. I do get cross about it but she’s my daughter I still love her, I wouldn’t want this to ruin our relationship, life is too short and I hope it doesn’t in the long run but I wish she would try harder.

I am out at work most days. I am not always home to nag, or she’s worked a shift and she’s asleep when I leave home or I’m asleep when she gets home so we are not always physically seeing each face to face. I will ask on text or wait till I see her but we can’t really get a daily routine of nagging to work as she works lates on a shift pattern.

I will try to talk to her like an adult and not a child as otherwise I can’t expect things to change!

How is it not depressed yo not care about the state she lives in? That is a very detached mental state

@Fleurdaisy you obviously haven't read all the replies so I will repeat. Do not charge phones on the bed. It's fire risk

I worry too much about this and it’s why I started getting anxious about it myself as I felt like it was a symptom of depression. She really isn’t bothered by it though and seems otherwise fine, unless you talk about her room then she gets annoyed

Having had this mess previously with daughters I would say just keep on reminding her but it’s probably not going to change that much!
Pick your battles, she is doing well in all other areas so you just have to lower your standards, I don’t get all the talk about making her leave she’s your daughter you want a good relationship with her.
Unfirtunately from my experience and loads of friends children then when they move into being adults this is another stage that many go through and those with younger children might not realise in the late teenage years we can’t just kick them out or lay down the law it’s part of normal development and maturity.
Just keep reminding her praise when she does it and don’t let it become a battle and you’ll get through it, relationship intact.

You sound appalling.

A friend told me that once they get their own place (which are usually then kept pristine! ) when you stay over take YOUR food and cups into your room and leave wet towels on their floor just as a reminder to them of the good old days! 🤣

What you say goes in your home. If she doesn’t improve, she moves out.

Your house and your rules.

OP I have a child with adhd ( inattentive) everything you describe sounds the same. she has a Lino floor to mitigate spills . We have done everything regarding bedroom / general mess . In advance I won’t be responding or even reading any rude comments about how lame I am! I have degrees in child neurodiversity so I feel I’m well qualified to consider if ive done enough to be stern enough/ teach her … This is purely for OP and her daughters benefit … regarding consideration of inattentive ADHD. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I have spent a lifetime defending my child’s disability

www.healthline.com/health/adhd-and-messy#messiness-and-adhd

She sounds like a spoilt brat, one that is being babied by you! Its you're house and she does what you ask. Whats so difficult !

When I was at uni the only people who lived like this were groups of lads. My uni boyfriend lived with some for a while and I hated going to his house. Their kitchen and bathroom were biohazards as well as the rest of the house. It was disgusting. Houses that were mixed seemed to be better as did all girl houses. Interesting back then boys seemed to find getting a house share really hard and we were advised on mixed houses. So to PP who said students don’t live like that, some do. But not all. Even when I’d left uni and visited friends in house shares in London where they had all got fairly professional jobs - see teachers, call centres, I hated visiting as their shared houses were awful. I’d got my own place by then (up north and no housemates needed as cheap).

As for your DD. She sounds like my 13 year old. I’m hoping to train it out of her by the times she’s 18. I’d definitely ban the eating in bedroom situation. For an adult this sounds harsh but as an adult in my own house I don’t ever eat in my room unless I’m in bed ill. Stop doing her laundry and remind her to only use her towels. If she doesn’t like it she can leave.

Any chance she has ADHD? I've known someone like this who was diagnosed at 20. They they were taught strategies. They really just didn't know how to start and standard teaching of those skills just didn't work.

No she doesn't.🙄