To say no to this ‘invite yourself’ play date?

[sorenlorenson1]

My DD and her friend are 9. Earlier I received this message from of her school friends Mum:

’Hi. My DD has been asking if she can come over yours after school. I said I would ask you what day you can do? Can you let me know please. Can’t do Tuesdays as she’s got football. Xx’

I was quite taken aback. I am not friends with this girls Mum, but the girls have been in the same class since nursery so I’ve obviously known her a long time. We used to chat a lot at the school gates, but now my DD meets me at the car so I no longer go in to the school grounds. I am on the WhatsApp group chat, that we’ve had since reception, but it is rarely used now. Years ago, we all used to chat a lot, a few group meet ups in holidays and even go out for a meal together at Christmas. But as the years have gone by, that’s all stopped. So I would not class her as a friend. My DD is not close friends with her daughter either, although they get along at school…

My first thought was to reply exactly what I thought about the message - that it’s rude to just invite your daughter to someone else’s house like this, and then say no to it.

My DH said that would be petty of me, and that some people just communicate differently and she’s probably just being direct as opposed to rude. He said I would just be causing an issue and making it awkward for the girls.
I said fine, I won’t message what I think, but will politely decline. He said that would still be petty, and punishing the girls…

I asked DD if she would like her friend over and she was a bit surprised and said they don’t really play together much anymore, but she was fine with her coming round if she wanted to..

So I haven’t replied yet.
What would you reply to a message like this?
If she had been invited round to their house, then we would have invited her back. She has been to our house a few times but not for a few years (when close friendships began to form, and they each have their own friend groups.) those times we always invited her. She never got invited back. I don’t mind that - but I do mind this self invite. It’s irked me (although I know there are far worse things going on in the world. But it helps to vent here.🤣)

I think your DH is right and she is just being direct. If your DD wants to, suggest a day and be similarly direct if you want to be. If your DD does not want to then decline but make sure shes happy with how you do so it doesn't cause issues for her

A lot of waffle about your friendships before the actual issue appeared. Your girls aren't really friends, If they were, I'd be OK and invite, if they aren't, I wouldn't.

There are many reasons people can't reciprocate. But if your DD isn't interested, don't.

She’s just being direct

If your dd wants to do it, say yes. If she doesn’t say you have a pretty full schedule and can’t fit in play dates right now, but your DD will look forward to seeing hers at school

Keep in mind her DD may be struggling socially, and that may be why she’s taking the initiative, so don’t be aggressive in your response - there is no need.

You are also overthinking all this, it’s not a big deal - don’t be one of those people whose always looking to be offended, it’s really tedious.

I think she's being quite rude. You don't invite yourself or your child to someone else's home. If her DD was keen on a play date she could have asked your DD to her house. It's particularly strange as you say the girls aren't even really friends anymore.

I know, sorry. It was a long post for a quite simple question.🤣 I was just trying to get across how well I know the mum. But I could have just said ‘girls been at school together since nursery. I’m not friends with the mum.’

I think DD friend has implied to her mother that DD wants her to go over and the mum has assumed you know about both DDs planning it.

At that age most children plan get togethers then go off and "con" their parents into making it happen. Its similar to playing off one parent to another (dad says no so they go ask mum).

Since your DD doesn't really want it then don't make it happen. Perhaps reply along the lines of "I think you sent this to me by mistake, unfortunately our DDs are no longer close friends anymore. Thought I would reply so you can resend to the right person! xx"

Literally anyone would be irked by that - it might be direct, but it’s rude. You don’t ask for an invite - you offer the invitation to your house and hope it’s reciprocated.

I’d reply something like ‘We’ve got a lot of after school commitments so we’re not hosting much at the moment, sorry. But I’ll ask DD if she’d like to arrange something and let you know.’

Good grief.
No wonder people can't make new friends.

I'd your DD said she's fine with it then invite her.

No need to be so snobby.

But I could have just said ‘girls been at school together since nursery. I’m not friends with the mum.’

I think at 9 whether you are friends with the mum is irrelevant. Whether the girls are friends is much more. DD has a few friends now at 11 I don't know the parents at all. Apart from the creepy dad I won't let her near, I manage very little.

Sorry for being blunt. Wine has been had.

Haha that’s ok. My son is 12 and same thing, I’ve never met his friends parents and they organise things themselves.

How is it snobby

I'd just reply "No thanks"

Perhaps reply along the lines of "I think you sent this to me by mistake, unfortunately our DDs are no longer close friends anymore. Thought I would reply so you can resend to the right person! xx"

Oh god that is awful, and so bitchy, please don't send that OP!

I'd try to put aside my own reaction to the way the question was approached and just be guided by DD's wishes. She seems a bit on the fence about it, can you ask her again and get her to commit to a yes or no?

She's being direct. Directly very rude! Fine if she's taking the initiative, but she could have offered to host your child. That would have been the polite thing to do.

I agree its awful and very clumsy but in no way is it bitchy. It was supposed to be a light way of saying no thanks whilst saving face for both sides.

How would you word the reply considering the DD doesnt particularly want the playdate?

It's not snobby to be annoyed that someone invites themselves to your house-- and not even asking if it's okay, but just saying basically "tell me what day is good"!

I'd wonder if the mum needed some time alone. It could be that her daughter really wants to visits, but who knows! Usually kids arrange these things themselves at that age, and then ask their own parent if their friend can come over to play.

You could toss it back to her and say things are busy at your house for the foreseeable, but your daughter would be happy to go 'round to hers. (Only if your daughter would, of course.)

Oh my god, don’t do this!

Lots of other much better suggestions on this thread!

I don't know, OP said her DD was surprised but said she was fine with it, I'm not sure that can be construed as not wanting it? Agree it needs some clarifying.

I think @NoSquirrels and @Luredbyapomegranate 's suggestions are good, though - noncommittal but won't cause awkwardness between the girls and leaves the option open for the friendship to rebuild if they want to.

Say ‘first I’ve heard of it. DD hasn’t mentioned it sorry’

Over the two decades of having children I’ve met all kinds of weirdos.

If you cut it dead straightaway it’s easier all around. She’s socially inept & you need to be firm.

If her child wants company she should invite your DD to hers. She shouldn’t be teaching her DD that she can just do what she wants & you shouldn’t teach yours to bow down to the whims of others. She doesn’t have to be friends with anyone.

I agree that it's rude too. My daughter has a friend who does this (and her mum does too), never an invite to their house but always trying to invite themselves to my house.

I just keep saying No.

I would say I will speak to my DD and get back to you.

This or suggest meeting up on neutral territory like the park at 3pm on Saturday, I bet they won't nake it.

It's unbelievably rude. I would ignore the message. The part about not being available Tuesdays makes it so much worse- like she's assumed she's coming and that's that. I can't stand people like this.

I would be 'direct' right back

Hi X, I asked DD when she would like X to come round but she said that her and your DD don't play that often anymore. They get along okay but DD was surprised to hear that your DD wanted to have a playdate. Are you sure you have the right kid/family?

My only issue here is with experience of this scenario it was the friend making up to her mum that she had friends because her mum was bugging and being quite nasty about it/her/expectations.so the poor friend said“oh but so and so wants me to come round”
so I wouldn’t want the mum to then get this.